Im def a god sometimes

So tonight was proof. I was at work, I lost about a hundred and then one it all back, got like 4 bottle of alcohol and then a ride home. Sat at home, talked to my sister online and watched some really depressing videos and then I get a call from a friend of mine. She wants me to go out with her. Actually, her friend told her to call me cause she wanted to see me. The 29 year old girl I was talking about last week. Helloooo. I was so right. This girl wants me. We were chillin, then I was like I'm going home, then she's like no we're going to my apartment, we all went there. And I didn't want to really stay there and fight over her with this other dude that was there, but she obviously wanted me, she kept touching my leg and staring me in the eyes and shit, classic signs after calling me. But my friend wanted to leave and I wanted to walk her home so I left. I can only hope that I see her this weekend, with no other guys around to fight with. Its annoying, dudes are always trying to get with girls so its hard to find a cute girl with no competition. But I think I have that shit in the bag if I try. Which is good. I'm really just happy to know that my 19 yr old ass can scam on a 29 yr old cute girl and have a chance at all. Its redic.

Hm, I had something to say but I forget what it was. I yea I remember. I think I purposely do things like walk my friend to get out of difficult situations. Like I could have stayed but then I would have had to find a way to make sure I get this girl and if I didn't I would have been all upset and shit. You know? So I am like running away so that I dont set myself up to possibly fail. I possibly could have been to shy to fight for her, unless she came to me, I probably wouldnt have gone to her, you know? I mean I am 10 years younger. So I think I probably do things like that just so that I dont see myself fail, I need to work on that. Just be more of a risk taker. I dont really want to discuss christmas. It wasnt too great, same as every year. A little depressing. So, I am going to skip that blog. Til another day when I feel like talking about family shit. So I am going to go to bed almost four in the morning already. Catch you later.

<3

Im a sucker.

I'm giving you two days worth in this blog. What an intense two days, what an epic two days. Ha, you will be disapointed by the word epic, because it certainly was not. Obviously, I'm ending the night at 1am writing a blog...That says it all.

I am remembering that the last time I wrote was at my work, writing a brief blog. Well that night was so great. I think I mentioned how I was looking forward to work, and how great it was. At the end of the night I was drunk, getting free drinks for me and my friends, my friend max and his friend nick came by, and I really love those guys, Max is such a great person, I dont know nick to well but he is a good friend of Max and he seems real cool. Anyway, I was drunk and I made so much money playing C-low, it was sick. Then my coworkers friend was there and I was just flirting a little bit with her, but in the end of the night after we left my place of work, me her and my two coworkers went to her place to drink a little more. And we played jax and I did some guitar. I am giving all the details away so if anyone involved reads this they'll know, but I dont really care right now. So anyway, I was feeling this girl, I always thought she was cute, but I was getting a vibe from her, and I know the vibe. I was really putting the game on her in the end just telling her im interested...I find out shes 29! Shes way older then me! More then 50 percent my life! Thats alot, but she seriously did want it, she was asking my co worker, "is he really 19, is he really 19?" I was like NO! But it is the truth so too bad, missed out on that cute girl,I want her, maybe soon. She wont, too old, damnit!

So then we went to Shana's, yup I have up a name, my coworker, I'm to drunk to care about secrecy right now. We hit 711 and got mad food, I paid since I made that money, and we talked like all night about how I like this girl who's party I hit up tonight. Its like, ahhhhhh, you know, ive written multiple times, I love this girl, shes too much for me! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! i'll never get it, I hate this whole thing. its killing me, thats why I'm here early tonight. Typing. So stupid. I could be having a good time getting drunk where I work or something, If I was over this girl I could be at her place having fun. I'm so stupid. So fuckin Stupid. I'll never get over it, and I'll never learn.

Lets roll over to today, (ps last night I went to bed at 6 and slept on my friends floor), ok so today I woke up, got my contacts in and got some food.

I really dont understand some people, I ordered coffe and a bagel at dunkin donuts, and I saw this girl and she was definately feeling down, my order cost me 3 dollars, and I felt bad for her so I tipped 2 dollars, 66 percent. Thats good. And she didnt even acknoledge me, stilll! Like really! say thank you? look at me? anything, she didnt even look at me! And then I got my bagel and neither did the guy who got it for me...like im nothing? No attention to me. I said thank you so much, he doesnt even look at me, piss me off.

Thats that. I went to go see the girl I'm hooking up with off. Went to chill a bit. Shes leaving for Cali. So I went there, chilled, she's cute, but she complains too much. Lets continue...I proceeded to go buy kegs like a bitch for the girl I like, I fucking hate it, why did I help her? I'm a bitch, I'm really getting upset right now, this is going to be the longest blog I have. She makes me feel so low. Like scum. Why do I deserve to try so hard, and get nothing? I really want this girl, and I cant have her, I never will, and I'll never give up, ahahdg;alkjg;aoidjga;odisjf! I couldnt even write ahhh, too frustrating. Insane. So work was alright, just played CLow made some money and hung out, drank plenty of vodka on the job, but its all good,. Ate some whipped potatoes, normal night. I dont know where my train of thought was, but I am going to steal so much stuff from work now that I know were closing, I'm stealing the shit out of it, fuck that place! fuck it!

I am going to miss my co workers so much.

Fuck the manager.

Fuck. So after work, I went to Rachel's, thats code for the girl I love from now on. Rediculous, I had a real good time with my boys, but thats not enough, I need attention from the ladies, pretty much rachel especially but it doesnt happen. The only girl I get any attention from is girls I'm not interested it. I would hook up with some of them, but its not enough for me when the big R is around. Not enough. I'm a sucker. I'm changing the title right now. I can't win. I cant wait for new years eve, I'm getting so drunk. SooooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOoooOOOOOooooo DRUNK! I think maybe I may be an alchy soon. I hope not. Listen, I cant even express my feelings right now, I need to go to sleep. Good convo,loove you, good night!

I must have ADD or something

I was reading my last post, and I really must have ADD. I read it and its like, what? And I wrote it haha. Sometimes I just get distracted, talking online or to my roommate while I write my blog so my train of thought is interrupted. Sorry about that.

So I am at work right now, yea I know its wierd, blog writing at 3:48, usually thats AM for me, not normal to write a blog in the afternoon. But, I'm at work and I'm closing so no ones here and I just need to buy time before my next job cause I can't close up just yet, and I have no other work to do! Fun.

Really I wrote like 13 hours ago so I have nothing to say, maybe Ill post a picture up cause thats what I said I was going to do from now on so I guess I should. Here goes:

The Week Is Over

Well, here we are, its thursday, or I guess friday early early morning. And my week is over. I am looking forward to work tomorrow, I am excited to be done with exams, and its great. I'm in a pretty good mood right now, but I am feeling a little confused and weary.

As Ive mentioned before this girl I'm having sex with, I just hope shes not looking for more then what we have now, its like chilling and friends and sex, no real obligations. I dont really want a relationship with her, so I just dont want to have to hurt her. I hope I don't. Ill keep ya updated. Regular sex is certainly nice.

I think that I have to big of a head. I think too much of myself. I mean I think that I am like the nicest guy in the world, that I dress so nice, that I look so good, that I have a huge dick, that I'm so smart, and so insightful, the list can probably go on and on. Does everyone think these things of themselves? I mean sure I'm exaggerating it a little bit but that is really almost how it is. Obviously I do see my negatives though, and maybe thats where the balance is. I know my strengths and weaknesses? Or is thinking that in itself too pretentious and arrogant. Who knows. I only ever express this stuff in my blog which no one reads.

I wrote something good on guitar today, a nice chord progression, I like it. I'd love to write lyrics, but why should I? I am too shy to sing in front of people and especially when words that I wrote, my own expressions are involved. Thats way too much. Showing my emotion through my guitar is a lot for me in itself. Talking to that girl right now. You know the one, the one I'm in love with, not the one that I am hooking up with. Too bad they can't be the same person right??? God, how does that happen. I love religion. Love it. I really find it to be the most intruiging thing ever.

I'm going to post up a few pictures I think every blog now, just pictures that I see around that I think are great. Often I find great ones on MSNBC.com but its all flash! So I cant get those but here are some other good ones.








Thats good for now, I really like those pictures. Yea I'm deep. Ha Just kidding. Love you, bye!

And then I knew I was in hell

Last night, at 3 in the morning Alicia Key's new album began to blare through the thin layer of sheet rock that separates my room from the neighbors part of the house. Not at any normal volume, and not with just one person singing along joyfully to the tune, but with a basement full of friends and uninvited guests to a party where drinking, games, and music would endure the dark and cold. Its finals week. This was a problem, with an 8am exam( turned out it was a 12pm exam), and hearing this ridiculous song for the 100th time since last Saturday at work, I had definitely entered hell. Ironically, my New testament exam was the next morning.
This morning I woke up at 7am, grabbed a bagel from abp for the second morning in a row and sat by myself to complete my studying for this exam. As I read my eyes drifted to the top of my study sheet where I discovered that this exam was at 12pm. I went back to bed until 11am. Did well on that exam, I can feel it.
After a total of atleast 16-20 hours of studying in the past three days, I am so over the whole studying thing. Thats why I am taking a break now to write for a bit. One more exam later tonight at 8pm, and then one on Wednesday morning at 11am. Work Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and a paper due Friday morning. Fun. Christmas is coming. Thats good, maybe I'll get some money towards my car, get my car, and take a quick vacation. Sounds too good. I was thinking earlier this week about writing a blog about how I am probably just like pretty much a regular old person. I mean, I am. What does set me apart? Not really anything. I like to do normal things, I have fears, I can be embarrassed and tickled as much as I clam that am resistant to both, and I pretend to be confident as often as I pretend to be modest. You know like, just looking around there are so many different types of people that I am not really one set apart from the rest. I probably try my hardest to fit in, and not be set apart anyway, right?

I am reading a very interesting book, I have been reading it since the summer, "Stumbling on Happiness." It's so interesting to learn about the way we think. You know, I mean why do I spend all this time and energy studying, am I going to be that much happier if I get an A on my exam, or have extra money in my pocket, or have a girl friend, or get a college degree. I think I would be happier living like Siddhartha or something. But why would I be? lol. I can't gauge anything like that with any accuracy. Well, I am meeting my sister and her roommate for dinner in an hour so I guess I should get back to studying and get some more done before dinner.

Thanks for listening.

Saturday

Saturday night. I love um. I love work, I love it all. Oh angelina jolie's legs are sexy. Ha random but true, tomb raiders on the tv. I just got back from work, lost all my money in C-Low, I really am dumb. I was up and then I lost it all, just like I always do, so stupid! Whatever. So, yea one of the bar tenders made me take like 4 shots. I love when they make me take shots lol. Alright, so today I was informed that January 3rd would be our last day as a restaurant. Phew, crazy right. I almost am relieved that I might not need to work there next semester. I can find another job maaaybe, or just not work. Maybe find a job and just work 2 or 3 nights a week. Maybe not work at all, eh? We'll see what happens. I sorta have to work to pay for insurance on the car that I plan on buying.

But the thing is now, of all the people in the restaurant, only the bar tenders know. So I can't tell any of the other waiters, I cant tell the kitchen, the bouncers, I cant tell my sister! Insane eh? So I have to watch what I say, cause I was told not to tell anyone and I have to keep it a secret. Maybe I can convince them to let the others know. We'll see, but its not like official official, its just 95%, if they buyers don't have the money or they want to hire us all or something then its gonna be different. Hm. I dont want to work with anyone else, I love the people I work with. I feel like I may never see them, I almost know that I wont. Terrible. They do go to Clyde's alot, I can get in there, maybe I'll go there with them one day. New Years Eve with everyone will be so much fun! Exciting. Drunk all day :). I love this girl.

She texted me again today! Thats an angry exclamation, not a happy one. It annoys me its like a tease, even though obviously its just a text. Whatev. So I need to study, I just ordered food online which always takes atleast an hour so that I can force myself to study for a little while. Night!

Whatever

Just another night, like any other, had work, didn't study for exams like I should have, and remembered about how I love this girl and need to get over it. Never ends. I hate that girl. She sucks so so bad. I really hate her. I cant do anything about it. Whatever. Ha, I definitely write whatever like all the time in these blogs I'm gonna change the current title of this blog.

Currently I'm listening to 'Gravity' by John Mayer, really good song. John Mayer can really play guitar, some people really don't realize that, not that I'm like way above others in musical talent spotting, but I just think a lot may over look it because he also is a talented singer/songwriter, but his guitar player surpasses it. He can play great blues, and you feel it, he feels it, something I have a hard time doing. I can play well, and feel it when I'm really on, but not always, I need to always have that heart and passion.

I really wonder like, when and where will I ever find a girl that I'm going to fall in love with? Will it happen? I hope so.

Lately, I have been really contemplating just saving up to give myself a really great vacation. I'm so over school, I almost want to take a semester off, or drop out. What am I paying all this money for? I work so hard, and it pays off, but is it all worth it? Just for a degree? When will I see the true benefit of this? I like waiting and bar tending, why dont I just do that? Hm? Ha I know I cant really be satisfied in life by doing that, but I love it so much now, why not for my future. Fuck being a successful business man. I just want to go on vacation ok. Thats where this all stemmed from. My mom mentioned giving me like a 2 day ski trip for Hanuka instead of like a regular gift, and I'm so down for it, made me feel like, well why dont I just go alone, and relax? I want more time to my self as of this year. I like eating out alone now. I really just enjoy time on my own. I think I'm gaining enough passion here to write a good song, obviously an acoustic look at how emo I am. I am a total emo bag. Lol.

By the way, I am only half Jew, I think you knew that already, I'm not like a spoiled Jewish kid or anything.

I really planned on only writing like one paragraph. I'm going to try to write more often. Give my many readers more to enjoy. Personally, I just enjoy typing away here, my roommate is right there, has no idea that I have this blog...atleast I dont think haha, that would suck. This is really for my eyes only, and maybe people who have no idea who I am. If anyone who knew me read this, they probably would knew immediately who it was. Thats why I try to leave specific names and shit out. Like, steve or jessica, lol. You like those decoy names? Haha. I crack myself up sometimes, lol. I made a lot at work this week. Makes me feel good to make money for once lol.

Maybe I should start adding text adds to this blog. I already have a google adsense account, Why not? Just click um up for me. Give me a break, starving college student over here. Has no true love, no substantial income, works hard, and no real friends. I live a totally fake life. Completely. Its weird.

I hate awkward sex conversations. Why does this girl I was hanging out with tonight love talking about how much sex everyones had. Its annoying. Especially because she has herps and licks peoples faces. Its so annoying.

Ay. Where are the values nowa days? The only 'good girls' nowa days are like total religious freaks who wont even have sex til 5 years after marriage, are totally right wing just because of rediculous social issues like abortion and prayer in school. Its frustrating. Girls are on my mind a lot. Def constantly. Guess I'm not gay, eh? Well I know that much. But I know that I am a man of values, something that not many people I run into have. I'm good looking, value ridden, and personable. I'd think I would find a good girl, too bad theres nothing for me out there. If your a good girl, give me a hollar. Leave a little comment over here, maybe Ill get to ya ; ). Its time for bed. Catch you tomorrow.

Never a dull moment

My life, past two days, way too much drama, get on my nerves. I thought I was in trouble tonight, I really did. 5 hours ago I was talking to my sister and her roommate about this girl I'm hookin up with and how I'm gonna be in trouble cause I dont want a relationship with her and they think "its obvious" that she does. How can they know? Tonight she texts me, "I need to talk to you." I thought that was it, this nice arrangement has gone down the drain. But nope. I got lucky this time. She was just apologizing to me for what she did last night. Let me tell you what she did last night. She told this girl, the girl who my friend hooks up with, and she has a boyfriend, how I said, "I think shes just there to hook up with him," but guess what? I never said that. Bull shit, really pissed me off.

I am extremely serious about my credibility and honesty.

I need people to trust me, I don't know why its so important to me, its not that important to most people, but I guess its like if I have anything I have my word, you know? And I like to have that, even if people don't see it immediately, I feel that eventually I will be able to gain a level of trust with people that will help our relationship in the end. Even if I dont feel completely comfortable trusting them. I realized that really the only person I think I can trust right now is my sister. Who else could I and would I trust? The people I'm closest to is my friends from work who are become better and better friends to me and my sister. Sucks that I'm so much younger then them and we will obviously eventually never see each other again, AKA this summer. A lot worries me. I don't know why. I have mood swings. I don't know why. Whatever.

Just saw 'I Am Legend' It was pretty damn good. I was pretty stressed the whole movie lol, just because the movie was intense and this whole girl text shit came during the movie. Ah, so stupid, life is stupid. Life really is weird. I think I may want to be a politician one day. Guess I should keep any of my real craaazyy things out of this blog eh? Or maybe this can be used in my favor to show my true colors, my real honest, youthful, and sincere side. Probably not. One thing that really destroys me is watching these presidential candidates, and especially the republican ones who try to mix religion with the presidency and with politics. Prayer in school! Are you crazy! Ever read the constitution? I think any president should have a good grasp on the constitution, other wise maybe him and the supreme court may have some issues, eh? Eh. For sure. Its all too much for me. This election is too serious for me. I always forget what I have written about in the past, but these are the things on my mind, so If I write it twice, just deal with it. Got me? Thanks. So I am going to go to bed now, its pretty late. Thanks for reading although, I def know that know one is reading this lol. Maybe I should make it more interesting, I dont know how, if anyone reads this let me know how I can interest readers. Ill do my best. This SWAT show is pretty interesting lol. Well, Ill write again soon. Byyyyeee!

Giving up is the hardest part

Life is definitely on the upslope now. As far as I can tell atleast. I mean i think lately I have had more chances to spend time with friends, I have been putting more of an effort forth. My friends have also been easier to get along with lately. I have a girl to waste my time now with, which is nice, i do like spending time with her but she's not really girlfriend type for me. Just a good girl to hang out with, talk to, have sex with, chill with. Its all good. Work is good, not pulling in an intense amount of money, but I am having a good time there, and I'm making good friends there, its nice to be there, not really a chore. I got so wasted there last night It was great, but then I took it too far haha threw up at work and then outside my house. My stomach still feels like shit and its been almost 24 hours since I stopped drinking lol. But the bartenders were way too good to me, make me free drinks and then take care of me all night, come on, thats too much. I love em. I can't wait to get a car, its going to make my life somewhat easier and more luxurious. I love sleeping, im thinking about it right now, I just want to go to bed but I think potentially my roommate may need his privacy right now. We'll see in a few minutes.
So as for the title, Its a lyric from a John Mayer song, "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" and I have definitely feeled what he describes in the song multiple times. You have a dream with you and this girl and shits so good, your so happy, but then bam you wake up, that girl and you arent gettin together, not going to happen, and that just sucks. Giving up really is the hardest part, like I'v wanted this girl that I have mentioned a few times I feel like for atleast a year, its not going to happen with us, and Its just so hard for me to give up on it. I mean I have given up, but I still see a glimmer of hope, and feel a little wierd and spiteful toward her. Well im tired gonna relax and sleep and shit. Catch ya later blog.

This is what real men keep quiet

Hm, life has been very different lately. I guess consistent with this whole semester tho. Tonight I'm back at school, in my bed wearing a hat and gloves cause our heating is broken. No good, but i guess im OK right now, not too cold. I'll review this weekend, it went by so slowly i feel like, I can't believe that thursday was only a few days ago. Wierd. Anyway, so Wednesday was a really good day, I mean its the biggest drinking holiday of the year supposedly, 'thanksgiving eve', and I got to bartend the back bar with one of our old managers who is a ballin bartender, so that was cool. Didnt make extravagant amount of money, but we didnt do so bad either. That was fun anyway, just enjoyed myself and very relaxed. Then Thursday was thanksgiving and I usually am not much for family, but lately I just take my family a little lighter and I am more of a sarcastic person around then, usually Im just shy around them which is not fun. But that was fun for the first half and then I just switched moods and wanted to get out of there lol, I dont know why. But I stayed home that night and woke up, went to the gym, and then out to work. Work was alright, I made alright money and then blew it all on C-low lol, im stupid but its ok, its really all for fun. I feel like most of my fun is at work. I cant help but think about how my friends are going to move next semester and I have to decide where I am going to live now. I cant keep my mind off of it. I feel a bit betrayed really.
So hm saturday I luckily had off, and I had a nice day, I went out to lunch with an old friend, went to see a movie with my mom and sister and then went to chill with my homies for a while, and then went to my work to chill, and I didn't plan on drinking and I got forced to by one of the bartenders, which was fine with me haha. I love it there. Like who goes to a place where they work for fun? Only us, or probably a lot of restaurant workers, but that really was lots of fun. I felt really accepted by the veteran of bartenders because he gave me all those drinks ha, it was nice of him to accept me that way. I wish I was 21 so I could really go out with my work friends. Whatever though, I have a good enough time. After that I went to chill with this girl, didn't bring a condom so nothing real serious happened. Stupid. I've been waiting for shit to go down, and it turns out so was she so thats good to know for next time. Woke up and brought the car home since I didn't want to drive after drinking. Mom didn't ask too many questions which was nice. Just slept off my exhaustion til like 1 this afternoon. But im so tired again now. I think I may have come down with mono, my sister has it, and I just have a terrible head cold, real stuffed up, my nose, ears, and my head hurts a bit, we'll see. Hopefully I get better soon. This cold house wont help.
I have been having a lot of religion talks lately. A really good one with my friend hanna, and a bad one with my boss lol, he wont listen to anything, I don't really understand the whole religion thing so much, imparticular right now christianity and judaism. Too many holes.
On to the title. I named it that because its a lyric from a song but it is something that relates to two parts of my life right now. One: If u listened to the song ud understand but you wont right now but because I am currently hooking up with this girl who I think wants more, and I don't, at least not right now. and Two: because I am considered a "nice guy" an image that I dont want to get rid of, an image that is true to my personality, but its not what girls want, I am considered and I quote a, "cute, hott, gentleman", and thats all I am. Not that I have trouble getting girls really but, the nice guy thing does not work in my favor, its more a friend attribute if you know what I'm saying.
Last but not least, my ex imed me today which was actually pretty surprising and really nice. I do actually think about her a lot oddly enough, Its been over a year, but she was everything that I want, and I have not found that again, I just feel so much like I would date her again in an instant, but I shouldn't nor should I make her make a decision like that, what if I hurt her again? That would be terrible, really. So Im tired of typing and Im going to bed, just wanted to get all of that out there. Hope nobody actually reads this. Later.

Tell me im only dreaming, tell me hes just sleeping

Another one of those days I guess. Can't really get enough of them. I'm trying to type and listen to music at the same time and its not working to well lol. So, I woke up as usual, ate way to much for breakfast, had a bad first half of my work out and a good last half. Went to the library, pretty good library time. I got to thinking about a lot of stuff at the library. Really brought back some old memories of mine, with some strong feelings, really weird. I was thinking about this girl that I was in love with, and I can't tell anymore if I am, but it doesn't matter cause thats not going anywhere anytime. But what matters is how I felt at the peak of my feelings, so much confusion, it was so crazy and they just come rushing back very suddenly and then also very dull, like I know intense the feelings were at the time so I feel it but its just an image of feelings. But, its just crazy thinking of that again, I barely talk to that girl anymore, it really sucks. It sucks how every things changed. The only stable good thing in my life is my work relationships, and my sister. I love the people I work with and I love my sister. Shes always there for me, I had to go spend time with her tonight. My roommates have really just completely lost themselves I feel like. I mean maybe its me but how can I tell? They want to move, they want me to move with them, but I don't want to. I have friends in this house, we would be ditching 4 of our friends, just to move two blocks away, and for what? I personally have nothing to gain by moving, moving is only going to have me lose my dignity as far as I can tell. Ditching friends of mine, fuck that. They say, "its too dirty here," "we'll get more girls if were in a frat." Wow, the two lamest things I think I maybe have ever heard. Maybe I'm just not up on that whole deal. Maybe smoking weed and being in a frat are two really cool things to do. I would join a frat, but to get away from idiots like my friends, not to get girls. Maybe I would get more girls, but thats really a plus. I can get girls now. God damn.
I really am so glad to have my sister. It's the best thing for me right now to have her, family is really great in the end. I don't care if im not so close with my other relatives, my immediate family is really great. Im so glad to have them. I can talk to my mom and my sisters when I need. Its nice. My older sister is smart, and she can give good advice if she is feeling level headed. Who knows when shes level headed though haha. She's pretty sick right now, still there for me though, and I am there if she needs me. Its good. And her roommate is real great too. I hope that my sister doesn't go to grad school in California, I sometimes think I want her to go there so that I can visit her, but fuck that also, I can go there myself, she doesn't need to live there. Her and I will always be best friends.
Life is really such a weird thing for me. I never know really whats going to happen next, very unpredictable life. Last year I would have predicted this year to be better then last, and last year was great. Too bad. This is like a 80% worse year then last year. I have my guitar, I was really inspired to play today, I played so well. I love days like that. Its like I am a god on guitar on days like today, I feel like no one can do better then me on guitar. I think I should be famous or something haha, Its so great. I also think about how one of my roommates who's being a dick can't touch me on guitar, he thinks he can, but he ain't got it. Sorry bro.
I'm glad that I'm talking to this girl right now. She's not the best girl in the world, but shes smart, cute, and interesting. Enough for me to allot some of my time to her. Life is a little easier with someone to hook up with from time to time, it can also be more complicated. I'm bad at deciding when its right to take it to the next level. Whatever, I don't really care, I think its next level time though. I like the next level, its a bit more fun.
I love blogs because on a day like today, I can really just get my thoughts out. Oh life. I have probably said that like 30 times throughout my blogs. Interest in this blog has diminished, I'm going to go to bed. Later blog.

Sundays

Sundays are the best. I used to hate them because it meant I had to prepare to get back into the swing of things. Not anymore. Sundays are days where my obligations are at a minimum. I mean, today I had to go to the gym and go home, but both aren't so bad. Its not work or school, and I'm taking this Sunday off from school work again. My family is so unreal. Lets just take a snap shot, my parents are divorced, my dad lives in NY, never really see him, good dad though, but he's overly spontaneous, every time I turn around he is either in Mexico or Poland. Such a weirdo, we won't get into that now though. My mom is just conservative, white mother, not spontaneous at all, still unsure of how to keep proper control of a household after the divorce(9 years ago). Its troublesome. My older sister has always just been to stubborn. She laughs too much around friends, and not enough around family. She claims to hate my mom, but I think she's half over it. She doesn't know right from wrong when she's dealing with family though. I love her. My younger sister is just a 5 x worse reflection of my older sister. She hates my mom to no end, and has to live with her so it makes it real hard on her. She's so immature, just like my older sister. Same ways. I know its hard for her to live with my mom, and she's not especially close with me, but we can talk, and my older sister hates her as well. It's real hard for my younger sister. I try to help. Not easy.
Today when I was home, my mom wanted to talk with my sister, me essentially serving as a mediator. I am the only one who can actually talk between all three of them. Tell them how things really are without getting yelled at. Its a good position, and its a hard one. I can't talk to any two of them at the same time however, because they cannot rationalize together, only separately, and even then its difficult, if not impossible. My sister, of course, ended up freaking out during out little meeting. She always thinks my mom is wrong in questioning her...maybe she's questioned to often. Maybe she's just not disciplined properly, but, its impossible to really keep her disciplined. I have no solutions, I just hopefully can serve as someone to comfort each of them when they need it. My mom and younger sister in particular. My older sister is less sensitive, is not especially receptive towards comfort. Life is so weird sometimes.
Seeing my sister so upset really sucks, worries me. As does it worry me when my mom gets upset. When my sister lashed out at my mom is just not possible for my mom to be upset, she can say terrible things, exactly the way my older sister used to. Its obviously a direct reflection. My older sister now just needs to grow up and give help to my mom, just by showing love towards her is enough. Knowing that she has atleast 2 children that appreciate her. I once heard that with each extra kid you have your life becomes progressively unhappier, a sad truth. I would like to at least show my mom that she has some people who appreciate how hard she tries. A solution I just thought up would actually be to send my sister to my fathers more frequently. Get her away from my mom, its much better for the both of them. But my sister, I'm sure, because I was this way, will not always want to go to my dads, she's growing up, needs time with friends on the weekends. Sigh, well see what happens. Haha well I guess I showed some of the negative side of my family, eventually we'll take a view at the idiosyncratic and comedic side of my family. Such a weird set up. I'm such a product of it. From where I came from, I am so surprised at how easy a time I have making friends, getting jobs, working hard in school, I would love to have someone analyze how all that came to by.
The end, Im too tired to write anything else. Peace.

Love, what is love without trust?

Today was an interesting day, a good day. I know that my blog probably consists of a relatively large array of useless, pessimistic feelings about the current state of my life, but, I'll hopefully throw some good things in there. For one, I exaggerated a bit with that whole pancake ordeal, she did bring back some delicious pancakes, and I do love that girl, shes great. Second, on Sunday I skipped the gym and choose to just rest, nap, and play Halo with my homies. It was really a good time. Just a nice relaxing Sunday, and I had a good time with my house mates. Hm, and third, I went out today with a girl who I never really knew that well and we had a good time, three good things. There we go. I also did really well on the last exam that I recieved. I don't really know where else to go with this paragraph so I'm going to end it.
When thoughts just end like that It reminds me a bit of that song by Jacks Mannequin, where he says "and this is the first verse, its not very long but I'm ready to move on," Im just ready to move on. Good band. Anyway, I figured out what that song One: Twenty-Seven is all about. Its a reference to the first corinthians, chapter 1 verse 27. Very interesting song, I'm definitely not religious at all but the bible is really starting to interest me. I am taking a class now about the New Testament and its really quire interesting. It is written nothing like I expected, and Jesus is depicted nothing like I would have imagined. For example, in the gospel of John, so far the most interesting gospel, Jesus is really extremely pretentious and a bit womanizing. He actually says, "Woman, what concern is that to you..."and she responds, "Do whatever he tells you." and this is speaking to his mom! Its pretty interesting. He's always referring to himself as the best and greatest and is trying to show everyone. It's odd that a faith is based on this man.
The title of this is blog is from a song, and that line always stood out to me. I always thought he was saying 'what is love without drugs?" which is more interesting. But really lets review, what is love without trust? I actually think you can love someone and not trust them, but its not a good type of love. Its not like true love. I guess what is true love without trust. In my visions, true love is someone that you can really always share everything with, special moments, sad, happy, whatever, someone you feel completely at home and comfortable with. A perfect fit. A perfect fit is completely imperfect without trust. Its like trying to tell a mouse to go into a cats mouth. It will fit perfectly, but theres no trust. It's so imperfect in the end. Haha, thats so lame. Thats the lamest analogy I every heard. I really am super lame sometimes. I can't help it. Whatever. I miss highschool a little bit. Highschool would actually be nice for a little while. Working 13 hours a week, not 40, and not needing to study for anything. Sweet life. Real sweet.
I got new strings for my guitar, its great. I play too much Halo, thats great, and now I am officially addicted to coffee, I don't really mind. Life is so interesting sometimes, now I don't think is really one of those times. Its a very rough plateau that Ive reached. Hopefully this weekend it will smooth out, get some good times in Im hoping. I really just need to find out if maybe I can get a day off. I hope Rutgers does real good against WVU. We'll see. Im out, its fuckin hot in this room. Gettin' up early for the gym. Catch you soon.

I never used to do that

I have been meaning to post up another entry for a few days but I get real lazy and don't feel like it a lot. Not unless I think I have something really important to say, but I rarely do. Something I realized this morning is that I just can't think of a way that my life will just pick up again. Lately, I'll just look at it through optimistic eyes, I say, "hey its looking up," or "its going to be the way it was soon," I just don't see it any more. Good thing I'm writing this because I realize if I want things back the way they were I need to be more proactive. I really need another day off, thats key. Work is the main cause of my distance from my friends, the second cause is a whole multitude of things ranging from their own current insecurities to a physical distance between us which makes things difficult with such busy schedules.
Anyway, recently and regretfully I have been using the word fagot. Honestly, I never, ever used to use that word. My friends would use it, along with many other offensive words that they use regularly, but I would not. It's not me. I have no hate towards homosexual people, not at all. Often I would use the word 'gay' with a negative connotation but I couldn't really help it, it's something I took from high school, everyone used it and you catch one to those things. But I just see a correlation between my new current use of this word and my new anger and discomfort with life.
I wish that I could find new friends. Evidently, however, I cannot. My life doesn't really allot for time to search and penetrate a new group. Nor does my selective choice for friends allot for anyone else that I have seen in Rutgers. These friends were surely the best. I was really so glad to have them. Too bad.
This blog was all sparked by a phone call, then a doorbell ring, just for some pancake mix. I just realized that my friends who is picking up the mix, called my other friend first who also lives with me. He wasn't even home. Lets list:
1. He wasn't home
2. She called him first
3. Normally in the past, I would be
4. Borrowed our mix, did not invite me for some
5. The kid who went home, never even told me he was leaving,
6. Neither did my other roommate
Final result is just lameness. So, I'm sitting here typing away. Work, thats really why my real best friends are at work. Maybe instead of getting a day off I should get another job and make more friends there.

How dare I call this love, and not bear my cross till the end!

I'm at the library, I should be studying but I thought I would relax and get my most up to date thoughts out. Today has been a pretty regular day, went to three of my four classes, no work, ate, went to the gym, whatever. Last night I smoked, and I really rarely smoke, I have been trying to give it up for good, but I guess every once in a while is no big deal. It was like 20 after midnight and my friend called me up(I got caught up playing Halo 3), and forgot to go over to her place to drop off and application to the restaurant where I work. But anyway, of course they were rolling a blunt right when I walked in haha, I'm pretty sure everytime I have been there this year they were about to smoke. Everyone smokes even more then last year now, its weird. For some reason, I feel like smoking is just childish. Personally, I feel like its something that if you do it a few times, you have the experience and you should move away from it. But then why don't I feel the same way about drinking? I like to drink usually twice a week, maybe because its much more socially acceptable? If you smoke weed your a pot head, but if you dont drink your probably not fun. Maybe thats just it, I dont really want to be categorized as either of those. Where I am not however, not smoking, does get me categorized by some as not fun.
Sunday was a good laid back day I guess. Don't have to work sundays, just have to get to the gym after I wake up, and get to the library. Lately, music has been on my mind more. I'm always listening to music if I'm alone, set up the playlist on my iPhone. This one song really strikes me, or really this band has caught my attention for a while now. As Cities Burn is the band, and their song, "One: Twenty-Seven" is one that really gets me thinking, its super emotional, as all of their music is I guess. The line that makes me think is, "...How dare I call this love, and not bear my cross till the end?" What does that even mean? I have been trying to figure it out. I need to listen closer to the rest of the song, then Ill let you know what I've discovered lol. I really really need to get strings for my guitar, I popped one, then popped one on my friends, it sucks not being able to play my baby, my one true love. Thinking about her makes me pretty happy. I spent only 440 dollars to get her, and shes just everything I ever wanted. Any experienced guitar player knows that you can't get anything good for 440, really for under 700 and some maybe go higher then that. But I ended up with a new Schecter C-1 Classic, so beautiful, just has a small chip, so I got a great price on her. Love it. Anyway, I really need to start my work, maybe ill write later tonight. I have really been wanting to write like a book for the longest time, my life from when I was little to now I think has been pretty unique and interesting, not very middle class regular old life, maybe ill write a bit about it, great comedic possibilities haha. Exciting.

Out of Mind Experience

Out of mind

So lately I have been having these out of body experiences. Really, they're more of out of mind experiences. Ill explain. I am not actually viewing my body from out side(watching myself walk or anything), I am really just watching my mind from another mind, another perspective. This other mind is ignorant to the life I lead, it knows not of my anxieties and experiences like my true mind, it only observes and comments. For example, it will take a look at my life and think out interesting it is to lead that life, how odd and useless life really is. I love this state that I have been occasionally entering into. It only happens for really a few seconds at a time, but that mind is so carefree, its truly easy going and its so simple. It feels nice.
My true state of mind, is filled with questions, anxiety, fear, schedules, thoughts and everything a normal state of mind should be I guess. Life has been different lately, or this semester. I guess you should know that I am a sophmore in college living with 7 of my good friends. First semester of college was so new and exciting. Meeting new people, working hard to get good grades, and partying on the weekends. Everyone was so new and nice and interesting. I got to know so many cool people and we just had a great time together. Second semester was a bit harder. I was bored more often, not too many new people to meet, still loved the old ones, but there may have been some more bumps along the road, no more girl friend, and not much girl around at all. Sucks. But my friends were still there for me and real great. Got a job though to keep my mind off of things, worked a lot, and now Im just working more. Been in love with the same girl, can't tell if I really even like her anymore, don't even really speak with her too often but shes definitely the only girl I have been interested in for over a year now. So now I guess back to the present.
I work 5 days a week at a restaurant and 2 days a week at a work study job. I love work, or at least I guess psychologically I may have had to convince myself that I do since I'm always working. The people I work with are great, makes me really attached to this place, even thought somewhere else I can probably make a lot more money. Well see what happens with that. We're all just always laughing and we go through it all together, thats what so great about work, and my sister works with me, that makes it nice also. I would say that the only person I can be honest with is my sister, I can probably tell her everything, she surely knows more then anyone else about my life. Thats my problem. I need someone else, a best friend, a girl friend, someone I can really be myself, trust and confide in. Its hard. Hm. I have a few good friends but we're growing apart, thats what makes this semester harder and different from the other two. Instead of getting closer were drifting. Its just that lately, our interests, morals, and focuses have changes. We're all looking for the attention of girls, but I'm not looking for a slut, or a girl with a boy friend, my friends morals and interests are different, they're convinced joining a frat would increase their chance of getting girls, I'm convinced joining a frat may make me some better friends. I'm not in search of a girl thats interested in a guy cause he's in a frat, I don't think at least.
I'm always questioning things like that. Maybe I do want a slut, or maybe I need a slut. Maybe I'm just worried that I can't even get with a slut and that scares me, but really I know that I can lol, I'm a good looking guy, and so are both of my main friends I just talked about, we can get girls with out fraternities or they being overly promiscuous. All these things are why I enjoy these out of mind experiences. No worries with that mind, it makes me feel so amazingly care free. Its weird to talk about, or I guess type about. Who knows what I want. Theres so much that no one knows about me, that I dont really share with people, I have never told anyone about most of this. My sister knows about some of it.
The one real absolute love of my life is my guitar. I'm so in love with it. It has a broken string right now which is just the worst thing, but soon well be reunited, lol. I really do just love it though; playing guitar makes me feel so carefree also. Brings back great memories, lets me get my feelings out better then typing them out on blogspot ever could. I know that this blog is pretty broad in topics, long and dragging probably, but I dont care cause its really just for me. I just need to get all of these things out of my mind, maybe one day ill get a more care free mind back, I think soon I will actually. Ill let you know when. I have not always been an anxious and stressed person. Stress works well for me however, I am making money, doing really well in school, and I do still sometimes meet new people, hopefully one of these girls may be someone I can really experience fully.
Its quite ridiculous how the time is flying right now as I type, its already 3:09 and I should be sleeping 2 hours ago but I couldn't fall asleep. It could be the coffee I drank earlier. I need to cut off caffeine. Alright, well honestly, I think Ill end it here until next time. If anyone does read this please go ahead and comment or whatever, I think you can comment haha, I don't really know how this works. I'll be posting again soon I hope.