What A World You Love

What about the code of the ocean?

2009-03-03T00:06:00.001-08:00

So here is the official update. Life has certainly changed a whole lot for me since the last time I've been here. I'm not sure how long ago my last blog post was, but it certainly must be atleast a month ago. From now on I feel like writing things in a business letter or paper format. I'll state my thesis and go from there to belabor my points.

Let me preface my thesis, which I originally did not intend on doing with a short excerpt from
My life. Within the past 3 weeks I have fallin for this girl. She's so cool, and I really like her. You have only heard me day that I like a girl about one other person, guarenteed. This is special for me. Luckily for me, she also likes me, and without getting into the details of the scenario we hooked up. She happens to be a good friend of mines ex. Did I make a mistake? No, I am really begining to see the light in this situation. Long story short, he is furious and has it out for me, more complicated then I can describe on this iPhone

Thesis: I am at an interesting intersection of my life because I have choices to make about my friends, my lovers, and myself that I have never had to face before.

My friends.

I can tell who my real friends are. Actually, I am in the process of discovering who they are. Most of my band is certainly in the circle, one of them is on a thin line currently because he betrayed me, but I understand how and why he did it, and he knows he is at fault. Some of my friends see my point of view, some care to take the time out to see it. Some choose to see only one side and sit back and assume the worst of me, that I fucked over my friend. Are they really my friends? Are they people I care to have as friends? If this situation did not shed light on who I can and cannot count on, then what about when I really needed someone in the future? What if something worse had happened? Who could I count on then? Now I know. I want to give a shout out to mikeyx, jimmy, anthony, dano, brett and pat. You'll never read this or know about it, but I sincerely appreciate your ability to recognize both sides of this fiasco.

At what point did I realize this would become a fiasco? This situation are the vines that climb up the bricks of a old brownstown building in Brooklyn. When the seeds began to sprout no one was aware that one day the vines would break apart the bricks and creep underneath the floors. I never realized. And now Im caught up inside the house wondering how I should handle this pest.

My lovers.

Is this girl worth all of the trouble? Does that even matter? Why should it? Why shouldn't I be with her even temporarilly if she's making me happy? We are having a good time. Who should tell me I can do that? I should stop out of a friends jealousy? Who is more selfish here, is it myself? Or is it my friend? I truly do not know the answer. Do I want a relationship?don't I know that this girl isn't right for me? Why do I want her so bad? Why do I have so many questions? All I know is that I don't need to sit around wondering what if, and what could have been?

What could have been?

I'll have to finish this blog later, fingers getting tired.

A weekend to make me think

2009-02-02T22:43:00.000-08:00

I decided that I would try and exercise tonight.

I want to think of events that have shaped my life, shaped who I am today, now. And why?

I may just review some moments I remember of my childhood. Why am I who I am.

I was on metafilter reading a blog about life changing experiences and the events that shaped peoples lives actually made me almost shed a tear. And I dont tear very often. It was intense. Its intense hearing the little things, or sometimes big things that change how people are. And who they are now. Years and years later.

Well. Here goes.

Experience 1 : When I was younger I was disciplined seriously for being out of line slightly. Once, my sister and I brought a lighter to school. We were caught, and sentenced to a 2 month intense lockdown in the house, grounding. My dad also beat us when we were little, and for me, that definitely taught me what would be appropriate and what would not be. I really believe that, I work hard today because I felt what being out of line could be.

Experience 2 : I learned at an early age that my parents were real people. The realization struck, quick, and hard, mostlikely around the time of their divorce. I think divorce may be hard on children because it makes them see their parents for who they are before they can handle it. For me, I could handle it, and I knew it was for the best. But I was still worried, and confused. My parents were never the same to me after that. Now I'm almost 21, and both of my parents are complete people. I can see every flaw and every grace for what they are, and I can see them for who they are. I know that I will not be better parents then they were. None of us are perfect.

Experience 3 : My friend had told me at age 7 that he was going to do heroine when he was old because it was only as bad as smoking a pack of cigaretts per day. I couldnt comprehend his logic. I couldnt understand that thought process, and it hit me that I dont relate to the way most people think. Thats when I realized I was different, not only on the outside, but on the inside.

Experience 4 : I'll finish this up tomorrow.

Its been some time

2009-01-26T13:54:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about blogging a little bit lately. Not too much, but I figured maybe its time to get my feelings out. I have been enjoying life still I'd say. The band is doing really well, we have been playing all of our shows really tight, our live performance is better then it way, however it can get better. But everywhere we go we have been very good reception from people, definitely makes us feel really good. I appreciate everyone out there that comes to see us, and even does watch us but doesnt come out for us, and to those of you that may come out to see us in the future I am greatful. We have been asked to come back to play again pretty much everywhere. Its great.

Spending time with everyone in the band and that we meet has also been great. Sometimes its hard seeing people a trillion time in a row and and for 15 hours straight all weekend haha be sometimes its just a blast and although sometimes we're fed up with eachother in the end thats how it goes and its all gravy we're all happy to be playing together. Its absolutely the best group I've every played with.

Girls.Met this girl at a show, thought she was sweet. She was cute, cute voice, she may be almost too involved in activities though haha. More ambitious and curious then myself I'd say.But I do want to get to know her more and see what she's really about. I definitely would want to hook up with her at the least. And I think I can. There's only one problem. My boy. He also like her. Not sure how this is going to pan out,but I'll let you know. Its kind of like if he cant have her no one can is how I'm feeling but the deal that's just not legit so I think I'm going to explain to him that it is just being selfish, and I know its hard to see a friend hook up with a girl you like and shit but the if I cant you cant deal is not legit. So I would like to.

Anyway. I dunno. Not really into school this semester, not into business, not into thinking about a real future. I am into fantasizing about my band touring year round and shit like that. We are going to tour for a month this summer which is great. I do usually combine facts with fantasy though. With the way things are going if we pick up a bit more we can be signed Id say by next summer. About a year and half. My horiscope today said that my analyitcal and intuitive sides have been clashing lately. I feel that that's true, I have seen them clash lately, I have felt them clash, seen them clash. Ironically, I was answering questions for class today, and online survey which in a way describes what type of person you are and how you make decisions and all that ish. And I was conflicted on a lot of questions because I couldn't decide if I was leaning more towards my intuitive self or analytical. Very much so lately though I have been leaning towards my intuitive self. Overall I am an intuitive person, make much of my decisions on how I think they'll turn out. On my gut, just saying I trust that this is the right decision.

Version of myself

2009-01-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if I blogged about this already, but if I have forgive me, I'm too lazy to check my last blog.

Lately, I feel like another version of myself. Like and anti social, more observant version of myself. I haven't been feeling as conversational, and I have been feeling more cynical. Just thinking of reasons why the people I'm with don't really matter much to me anymore. And sometimes its been that way with people that I actually really like. I'm just in an odd emotional state. Who knows why? Overall things are pretty good, its just something that possesses me sometimes. Anyway, I'm considering taking this girl out on a date, either that or bringing her just out to a party with me to chill...which do you think? I can't decide, I'm thinking probably get to know her at party and then see if she's worth a dinner...that makes the most sense. Thrice is pretty good by the way, pick up some shit by them. later.

Monday

2008-12-22T18:57:00.000-08:00

Life is just life right now. I'm openly avoiding my roommates right now. I've just been locking my door and trying to not hang out with them. It's kind of just the way things are right now. I'm not feeling especially social, nor do I see any benefits from their friendship, and I also know that friendship with them is always going to be shallow, so its useless. I think that all of my relationships are shallow. I'm just that kind of a person. I tried to chill with some of my friends today, but now its 10pm and no one hit me up. But the wierd thing is that even as I write this I'm not really upset about it, its just the way my life is. And i know that. I definitely know that my entire life will be this way. Its been this way since I had my first friend, and I'll be this way with my last friend. At least I had friends on some level. If I really need interaction I can have it.

I've been locked in my room now for literally 8.5 hours now. Since 11.30. I took two showers, watched some episodes of the Wire and played guitar. I think I blogged that I was going to work really hard at guitar. And I have been working. I need my electric though, its at my friends place and I only have my acoustic. But I guess when I get to my electric it will just be even easier to play the things I'm stuggling on. And i love my elec anyway. Should i go get some food? I'm not really hungry for anything. I could go for a drink of some sort. What if I just got drunk tonight by myself. I dont think I could do that. lol. Sounds boring. I got some dunkin donuts coffee yesterday and it sucked, I got some ABP coffee today, and it sucked. fuck that!

Blogging is a funny thing

2008-12-17T22:29:00.000-08:00

I blog especially when there are things on my mind that I can't get out any other way. I can't really express this feeling to anyone yet. I want to. Getting it out will make me feel so much better, I know it is something that I can't fix. So, I'll just tell you..the internet.

I'm in this band Lux Astra and we are pretty ballin id say. But the thing is that, I am pretty much the Rhythm guitar player - or guitar 2. I am relatively new to the band( not to the players in the band or the scene ), but being guitar 2 sucks. And the thing thats even worse is that I am guitar 2 in life - I am never recognized for being a good guitar player. Not in my home town atleast. Only at school. I am much better school. At home, I'm a guitar nobody. I'm a guitar nobody even thought I'm really just number 3. I am the third best. Third best might as well be third worst. The worst. I might as well suck shit dicks. I get no recognition, and we all know I love recognition. This inner conflict may just be the death of me in this band. Every day I hear things like it sucks cause I can only work with our guitar 1. Or what if 1st and 2nd best guitar players got together to play. That would be crazy. Like fuck! Shouldn't it be crazy enough that guitar player 1 and 3 are together. Sorry now that I introduced this new guitar player I am 3 and the other guitar player in my band is 1, which he is tied for I'd say. Fuck! It's just so frustrating, I mean evvvvveryone says things like that. And I think people just don't realize what its like. I mean I have dedicated a lot of time and love to practicing and playing guitar. And first of all, when I'm not the best I hate it, and when I'm not the best at something I LOVE so much, it just hurts. It hurts to hear it. And I know it! But getting slapped in the face with it, and having people tell me im not the best all the time(in directly) and just never recognizing me and a best, sucks. I mean I'm not even in the other guitar players league as far as everyone else is concerned. Maybe I need to spend this break going crazy practicing guitar, I think thats what I need to do. I'll have a lot of time and practice makes perfect. I think I'm scared, or maybe I just know that practicing for 8 hours straight like it used to may not happen anymore. Especially when Im just affraid of failing, of never getting any better then I am now. What if I'm just not destined to be so good? Anything I've been good at, I've had to fight the shit for. Go crazy trying to be best. I'm just frustrated.

A day for reflection

2008-12-09T23:00:00.000-08:00

Sorry.

I'm sorry I have forgotten you. I have forgotten what the freedom of writing can do for me. My life has been in a good place, the better things get the more I forget about you. I'm sorry for that. But I guess its good for both of us considering you are me. I control you, and if I'm happy you're happy. So I have decided to write today because the simplicity of a lonely phone call inspired nostalgia in me. Nostalgia which lead to reflection, nostalgia which made me recognize how quickly time is moving. It feel as though this semester just began, the fact that it's just ending feels rediculous. I remember everything that has happened over this fast paced semester, and it all feels so muted. Its memories without sound, like a montage in my mind. Although, it feels as though it all began yesterday, all the memories feel so far away. What is that? Why is that?

I have lost sight of many things. I have brought into focus many things as well. I have changed. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I changed. Last night, we were talking about how one of my friends has not changed at all, how he's just as he was 5 years ago. I'm barely the same person I was one month ago. Is the change in me necessarily bad. No. Infact, most likely it is necessarily good. I am happy that my mom accepts the way that I like to live my life. My current dilemma lies in the fact that I see a near sighted future with my band, and a long term dissapointment. What do I do with myself when we're not successful anymore? Hold on to the past? When is giving up the way to go? I'm finding some pretty good lyrics in this blog. I have a feeling that getting to bed is going to be hard on me tonight. I'm going to try soon though. Check my band out at http://myspace.com/luxastranj.

Down

2008-11-24T20:04:00.000-08:00

Im feeling down right now. It's really only because I'm really tired and my roommate situation has been increasingly frustrating for me. I just keep getting the feeling that he's only here because he has to be you know? And its like, why am I going to try to get him to come out or set up things to do, and things if its just not going to make anything change. I shouldn't do it if he's just going to go home every chance he gets because that attitude is a drain on me. I just need to do things for myself. I mean its not like he ever sets plans himself unless they're to go home, and usually the only time he's interested in going out is if our friend ange is involved. I have been procrastinating a lot! I just cannot focus on anything because I'm so distracted by making things like that up top. That Banner is pretty baller too! I'm so ballin at this. I think I blogged yesterday? Right? This weekend was awesome and this has been a great semester. Haha Dharma and Greg, gets me everytime lol.

I'm going to take some NyQuil, shower. And passout. Peace.

Sorry I've been gone

2008-11-23T16:57:00.000-08:00

Hey bros. I know its been a while, I'm sorry. I've been busy, less enthused to blog for some reason. Been playing music, playing with pictures { aka top photo } hangin with friends, studying and drinking. Going on the official start of week 4 of being sick. Kind of curious if I'm just still sick because of my bad habits. We'll see. But anyway, that banner is pretty baller right. I'm pumped about it I love it. I think I'm going to make it our top pic on the page. Click on it and check out the myspace.

This was another great weekend. Absolutely aweseome. This is officially one of the best semesters of my college career. Probably first semester freshmen year and then this semester, second semester freshmen year, and first semester sophmore year. Thats the top semesters order probably...Hmm not sure though. But I think thats about right, yea. I've got to take a shower. I was petting my dog and got her dander all over me and I get so allergic and itchy. I should shave too. I'm like a grizzly bear.

I love the song Paper Planes by MIA. Awesome.

I feel like I've been gone a while

2008-11-18T17:44:00.000-08:00

I know I only skipped one day but I feel like I haven't really blogged in a while. My space bar is hard to press down right now and is rising back up slowly, its pissing me off. So.

I mentioned how I went to spend some time with my dad this weekend. My dad is big into astrology. So we we're talking about how I was getting interested in astrology and that I related with Pisces a lot, and I said the only part that I don't feel is really me is 'weak willed' which if you look into previous blogs I mentioned this. My dad, the genius that he is, said that's because of my 'ascending sign' { I think that's what he called it' which has to do with the time you're born and all that is Capricorn, and Capricorn's are extremely strong willed. You're ascending sign is the way people view you. Which is so interesting. Because I think that's definitely true. I have been called regularly almost every descriptive term of a capricorn. Specifically, they are looked up to as 'ballers' one might say { Really I would only say it like that, and that they tend to be Work-a-holics, they also mentioned that people see them as odd { and I believe that a lot of people probably see me as odd }. An odd-baller that is.

Personally, I do feel that I relate with a lot of parts of that sign, particularly, the idea of being hard working, always needing to strive to be the best and not knowing why. But I wouldn't consider myself a pessimist which is a characteristic of Capricorn. The funny thing is that Capricorn and Pisces are good match for relationships, I'm essentially an all in one combo right here.

I have finally been paid! Once it clears, and it may take a while... I'll get my tattoo, or maybe I will just use my CC and pay it off when the money transfers. I also want to buy a new pair of glasses.

Great Nights with no Plot

2008-11-16T10:50:00.000-08:00

This weekend was actually really good. And I only drank one night out of the week. That's a record. It's because I'm still sick, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. But anyway, so Thursday did nothing, Friday went to see Role Models, and yesterday I went into the city for a nice lunch with my dad, his girl friend, and my sisters. After that my dad, sister and I went to go see Madagascar 2 which was honestly really funny. I need to go watch the first one now because I've only seen some of it.

My sister and I got back on the train home around {615} and we were both feeling sick. But spending time with my younger sister is always good for both of us. She needs time with me and as much as I need time with her. She is definitely the youngest. She needs me to be there as her older brother. And she needs my sister to be there as her older sister but our older sister can't see the value in accepting her. In the past our younger sister was a pain, and received a ton of special treatment, and now she does continue live a less restricted life then both my sister and I enjoyed, but that's just the nature of parenting. Its a learning process. And my younger sister is a special case. She may still stretch the truth, and she may still be a bit bratty sometimes. But some of what she learned is a direct result of watching my older sister. In no way is my older sister a liar, however, she does feel entitled to special treatment as far as doing her part around the house. So, anyway, one day my older sister will see that our younger sister needs her love, and that she is deserving of it. For my entire immediate family, the only family we have is our immediate family. My mom, dad, and the three of us. There is barely of glimmer of valuable family relationships past this. And in the future, my sisters will both be glad to have each other. Because whether they see it or not, the love between us is truly unconditional.

Ok, so after that tangent, I went to band practice, which was great for 15 minutes and then we just sat around and chilled. Got beer, went to my place, and had a blast chilling out. Some of my roommates friends came by and we just hung out drank, got food, played music and laughed and had a blast. Its those nights which make me feels so good. Makes me feel good to have these people that I love around me, and these people that I truely enjoy their company, and that enjoy mine. I most of the band yesterday that I was in for the long haul. That I was willing to quit school if we got signed, which I mentioned in the past I see as a far off goal { I don't want it to seem like I see it as an immediate possibility, a lot of things must change in the band first }, but we have the potential. And there is no group of people I would rather play music with. The music is great if you're into the genre and the music is continuing to evolve and everyone is awesome. Alright, I'm going to go take a shit and then get to work.

Friday Night Lights

2008-11-14T22:08:00.000-08:00

It's been a day.

Just a day. One of those days. Not particularly stimulating. I went to bed feeling pretty sick, woke up feeling pretty sick, and now I'm feeling pretty sick. I have been feeling increasingly annoyed towards each of my roommates. For different reasons. If you read the last post about those passive aggressive notes then you'll have one reason. My roommate { the one actually in my room } has been getting on my nerves as well. Two reasons:

1. His lack of motivation: If I did not have a desire to go out, we would be staying in watching you tube videos all day every day. If I did not have a desire to go to the gym, we would be extremely fat. Those are a few prime examples, probably the ones that get me annoyed the most.

2. His need to watch news all day. He watches YouTube videos about Ron Paul and Bush, and Nader. Then we watch Jon Stewart, Colbert, and then turn it to MSNBC, CNN, Fox. Then when that's done, he'll watch more news related Youtube videos. I'm not sure exactly why this annoys me. It's just that it gets annoying to have to be around news all the time. And it consumes him. He gets all of his opinions from these videos. Whatever.

So Obviously its Friday night and I'm not out. Mostly, that's not by choice. I am glad that I stayed in. But the fact that it took until 1030 for me to find out about anything that was going on, kind of annoyed me. I texted a bunch of my friends to see what they were doing. And the only ones that texted me back were'nt doing anything either lol. Rutgers. What a place. I was stressing out because I couldn't find anything to do and my friends we're supposed to come up. They ended up not coming because by 9 I had nothing in the works. By 10 I went to the movies to go see ''Role Model's''. Good movie. I really did thoroughly enjoy it.

This morning { around 11am } I was at Au Bon Pain and I spilled Tea all over my laptop, my backpack and the table. It sucked. My laptop didn't function properly for a few hours. Now its completely back to normal. It was funny though, slowly things would get better, all of a sudden a function would start working again, and then another one. Now its back to normal. Then! I was at my house and I spilt water all over my phone. I think that's back to normal now too, but it wasn't for a while. Boo.

Passive Aggressive Notes

2008-11-13T21:07:00.001-08:00

This is a passive aggressive note. So annoying. When you live in a house, these things happen. People hate confrontation so much that these notes take the place of uncomfortable situations. This note has been sitting on the sink in my kitchen for at least 13 hours now. Annoyed? Yeah, I'm annoyed. I have to be the one to endure confrontation with the culprit because is so annoyed. If this was the house I was in last year I wouldn't have cared about the minimal mess. It took a lot more before we got these notes last year. But we had um. I'm going to keep documenting these notes and posting them up here and on this sweet website I just found Passive Aggressive Notes dot Com. Pretty baller website. I hate passive aggressive notes, I feel like it intensifies the tension and drama. Anyway, next topic.

Ew. Food { I love food // I hate watching people eat } . I was on the bus yesterday { or the day before } and I was sitting about a foot an a half from a girl who was eating, and I was facing her. It made me so uncomfortable. Watching her eat. I felt as if I was invading her privacy. It seemed so intimate. Satisfying you're self in that way just seems so intimate. It was as if I was watching her have sex right there in front of me. If felt that intense. I was disgused by it. I hope no one ever watches me eat.

Maybe its different while you're eating as well, or maybe it depends on the person, or you're relation to them. It's not as if I always feel this way.

Tattoo Finale?

2008-11-12T08:17:00.000-08:00

I think thats it. I do. I don't think that theres much more that can be done. It looks perfect. My favorite part now is the waves with the sun. Hopefully I can have some color [ I won't get it if it won't show up well on my skin ]. But maybe Red and Orange for the sun, dark blue waves, dark red mountains, and dark green for the vines [ including the treble clef ]. Shades of black for everything else. I'm really obsessed with this tattoo. In every class I try drawing it, and when I come up with an idea that I like I just stare at it continuously. I've been going back and forth between scrolling up and looking at the image and typing. It feels so right. Thats what I'm happy about. It feels so right to have this as my tattoo. I started looking up tattoos on dark skin, and someone brought up getting a keloid [ which is more common on dark skinned people ] but they generally develop on people who are prone to them, and I have never gotten a keloid and I have a good number of scars and piercings already so I doubt I'll have any trouble.

I'm really excited. I hope that I can get it this weekend. I'll have to call my friend and find out if she set an appointment and with which artist she used. There's a tattoo place near by which I've always heard good things about named 'Revolver'. So I'll probably go over there.

I want to plug my other blog again, { The Lucid Dream Experiment } because it is good. And it will become better and better. Dreamwise I was a bit disapointed last night but we'll see how things go tonight.

Unfortunately I have to skip band practice tonight because I have a TON of work to do [ I'm procrastinating at the library right now ]. I just realized how I have an exam tomorrow and I have to much reading to do, then at 5 I have to meet for a group meeting, and I have a difficult HW assignment due tomorrowm, AND I have one or two exams [ I'll have to confirm 1 ] on tuesday which I have to start studying for as well. My minds gonna explode but I NEED to bring in the grades. OK!

I've been looking into Salvia lately. It is a legal way to experience hallucinations. The scary thing is that has a high rate of having 'bad trips'. But it only lasts for about 3-5 minutes, and if I try the lowest dose it shouldn't be such a bad deal. It is natural, used by native americans and all that.

NEWS!

This is from an article on MSNBC.com which I think was writen by the NYTimes. Firstly, I thought it was hilarious. But to highlight what i think is awesome the next part mentioned how they we're saying 'Sunni's and Shiite's are brothers!' I think that's so awesome. This is all because a bridge had opened back up. I think its pretty awesome. This makes me feel like we are doing good over there. However, the only reason the bridge was closed, was because of violence about 3 years ago, which we can safetly assume was a direct resulf of the Iraq war. So are we doing more good then we did damage, I'm not sure. Maybe eventually.

The artical also mentioned that Iraqis were very happy to see Barack Obama elected citing that they hope that he can change the policies towards Iraq. I wonder if they are interested in a with drawal from Iraq? The interesting thing however is that the troops will go straight from Iraq into Afganistan. I can forsee Obama having a low approval rating already. No one wants our troops in another country. I dunno...we'll see, gotta keep our hopes high.

I'm so cliche' me. The above statement is from a post about a year ago. My first post in 2008 I believe. I'll still never find that girl. I still feel that statement. How come I have to wait so long to solve my problem? How come I have never solved my problem. I think maybe I'll do a low strength Salvia this weekend. We'll see how that goes.

A New Blog

2008-11-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

I just started up a new blog { The Lucid Dream Experiment } . I think its going to be good. I'm not sure if I mentioned in my last blog [which was an awesome entry if you didn't get to read it ] how this weekend one of my friend's mentioned how he has had a few occurrences lately of lucid dreams. His mentioning of this peaked my curiosity. As we all know a few things seriously intrigue me religion, drugs, hallucinations, girls, and I just really love dreaming. So lucid dreams are right up my ally. It is really the most vivid of dreams which are controllable, very much how drugs can interact with you're subconscious and how hallucinations can be peaked by you're imagination. Its awesome. So anyway, in that blog I will keep entries of dreams and hopefully I will lead myself into lucid dreams. Which will be awesome. I just have to make sure I keep up with it. I very much enjoy instant gratification and this will not be one of those scenarios.

I am too tired right now to blog here since I already wrote a quite substantial blog over there. So check that blog out and I'll be sure to be back here tomorrow.

Heavens where you go when you die

2008-11-09T20:45:00.000-08:00

It was such an intense weekend.

I know I've said this before, but it was like so much happened and so little happened all at the same time. My weekend was encompassed in about 36 hours with a good friend of mine. We left New Brunswick Friday afternoon and got back Midnight the next day. I feel like I learned a lot about the people from back home. The great thing about life is always learning. The great thing about being young is always learning, and being eager to continue learning. And the great thing about life is that learning is not rooted in the classroom, its rooted in living. Its rooted in other people, and in experience.

I love knowing about the intimate details of peoples lives. I think that's why I love listening. When someone wants to tell me something, I love to hear it, I want to know what others don't. Almost selfishly. I spent time with friends from home this weekend that I do not always spend too much time with, but spending time with them is great. And spending time with them is new, and that's probably what makes it great. I'm happy to be getting back home and seeing familiar faces. This band is really helping me to do that.

With the band I keep thinking about what if we did get signed? The only reason I think that is because the only reason I wasn't in the band earlier is because I said I do not want to be that serious, if we get signed I would want to stay in school and all that. But, continuing to work with the band, makes me feel differently. I'll keep you updated on this feeling, but right now I think I would be interested in leaving school if we got signed. Not that we would make it huge, but we could do a fun little tour, and sell some music, and live music, and that could be fun. School will always wait for me, but I shouldn't sit back while opportunities and adventures fly by me like seasons.

Fall brings by a lot of interesting weather. Leaves die and fall off of trees, cracking, and crunching when people walk over them like tortilla chips. Tree's now bare, wait for the snow like children. For me, its only a pre-courser to the Winter, an even more treacherous season. I like to bundle up in bed, and I hate bundling up outside. Which makes Winter probably my least productive season. Probably everyone's least productive season.

I wanted to quickly touch on a subject which everyone has thought about or talked about or heard about. When we finally arrived at the bagel place this weekend after noon we discussed what its like to recognize flaws in you're parents. Is it recognizing flaws that makes them become real? Or is it become real that makes us recognize the realness of our parents?

I'll rephrase. When we get old enough to realize our parents are flawed, does that finally allow us to recognize that our parents are people too? Or is it our age in itself, because now we are real people(assuming that young age is essentially only growing until we become our true selves), we are able to correlate our lives with that of parents more easily, and in essence relate to their true emotions.

I don't exactly remember when I realized that my parents where two people. I do however now know that they are two people, two extremely different, unique, imperfect, and however great people.

My mom, she is extremely kind heart-ed, and accepting. I sometimes believe my mom is naive, and she is certainly dependent on others. Luckily, she has been able to adapt to being alone. She is a survivor, and a hard worker, a bit of a complainer, and she enjoys being creative. Small things can trigger excitement for my mom, and small things can also trigger her to become extremely nervous. Family for my mom is a weird place, because she is not accepted there. She is a loner in many ways, however, she finds friends to supplement the problems in her family relations. She is lucky to have her parents who appreciate her, and she is lucky to have me right now. In the future I know that she will be lucky to have my sisters as well. They just have some growing up to do. I think that for the two of them, recognizing my mom as a flawed person, and recognizing themselves as flawed people will help them accept her.

My dad is a free spirit. He thrives on his independence, but in his heart he needs to be embraced. Searching for himself will be the goal until he passes, because the search will never end. Its not a matter of maturity, or growing up, for my dad its a matter of purpose. What is his purpose? When my parents got divorced he lost a lot. Namely, he lost his children. We are still there for him, and keep in communication, but when you don't see someone everyday, or rely on them for money and food, the connection slowly fades. My dad will always be a spiritual person, much like me, he is a lover of learning. Unlike me, he is also very much a reader. He is not one to plan, he is a lover of travel, and he will always wait until the last minute. My dad will also stretch the truth even when it is completely unnecessary, however, diluted by his imagination, he believes much of it to be the truth. My dad has a gigantic heart, and will always help a friend in need, he is a great person, and I can only hope that his search is finite, however unlikely that may be.

I know that recognizing my parents as people allows me to treat them accordingly, and it allows me the privilege of relating to them on a different level. On a very genuine and honest level.

I decided that the tattoo I drew I am going to get. Hopefully this week but maybe next, I want to wait until I get better because I am currently sick. I'm going to get to bed now, I'll leave you with this awesome song by 'The Spill Canvas' enjoy:

The need for newness

2008-11-07T10:40:00.000-08:00

I am always in search for something new. I recently pierced my ears 3 times myself in one week simply because I wanted something new. I consistently change my hairstyle and update my look because I get so easily bored of the old. I'm always in search of a new identity and something to grab everyone's attention. When I pierced my ears I thought 'hey, everyone will notice this new feature' but no one really did lol. But in the end do I change things more for myself or to get attention? I think it is a combination of both. I hate being the same all the time, it's so boring, and I have a great motivation to change things because I enjoy being the center of attention even if its for a moment.

Change can be good or bad. But when I change my look I usually take reversible risks. A reversible risk is a change in style, or my hair, or even my piercings because those are easy to take out, or I can easily regrow my hair. A tattoo is simply not so easily reversed. I drew up a new blue print. Here I'll show it to you. I think it may just be the one:

I sketched this one out in class and I immediately loved it. I really like the idea of having it in a frame for some reason, I don't know why but I think it looks cool, and it has the incorporation of the Pisces symbol, the representation of dark and light, and music. Really the frame and vines don't mean much their just for artistic purposes, just make it look cool. I think I'm going to get this on the back of my arm down my Triceps. I'm really happy with this one. I'm going to re-sketch it a few times and see if I can make any improvements but that is the basic idea for now. Anyone have any suggestions? I'm definitely open to them.

I'm just sitting in the Livingston library waiting for my group to get here. I have class here until 120 and we're meeting at 3 so I didn't want to go home and come back. The meeting will probably only last like 30 minutes so I'll try to get to the gym by 430 and be ready by 6 probably for this awesome night(I hope) lol. I always look too much forward to certain things and then I'm let down. Plus, I'm stillll sickk! I really hope its not anything serious. I should probably go to the health center today but I don't want them to tell me something that will ruin my night. I'll just go grab some mucinex and cough drops.

I'll leave you with this aweeesome video:

Looking Forward to the Weekend

2008-11-05T21:20:00.000-08:00

These weeks have been flying by. Its Monday next thing you know its Tuesday, then Wednesday night, and once Thursday comes the weekends over and I'm writing my Sunday night blog. Its outrageous. Is it good that these weeks go so quickly? I think so, I love it, its like not having to stress over wanting it to be the weekend already because it already is. I have a party for my boys birthday this weekend and its back at home so I'm looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to this whole weekend because I'll be spending it with my old friends, drinking, playing music, and reconnecting, hopefully hooking up with some young girl from back home. There's always promiscuous ladies at these parties with people back at home. For some reason getting with me is like a prize for these girls, so its never to difficult to find one. Good for me, good for them, that's what matters.

I know that tomorrow will fly by also, it feels like tomorrow night already, I'll go to class, nap?, gym, study, class, and I'll be back here popping some bottle most likely, sleep and Friday afternoon will already come. Its great how that happens, but thinking about it makes things go a bit slower. Maybe that's why things have been going slower, I have been living more in the moment and thinking less about craving a specific point in the week, something I used to do more often. Ohh I can't wait for Thursday! Now it just happens.

Band practice today was pretty good. I'm getting there, I definitely need to practice more but it'll come. I can't force it too much, I'm not good with learning songs, I just study techniques more but when I have a riff to study it is quite similar, just play it over and over until I get it down. That's my style, I can play one riff forever trying to master it.

So apparently my optimal lover is a Cancer.

{"PISCES & CANCER: - You belong together. You are both sensitive, weepy and love to dwell in self-pity. This is a great match, certainly lasting, however someone negative and moody."}

I'll be keeping my eyes out for ladies born under the Cancer sign. June 22 - July 22. I wonder who I know born during that time. One thing I was reading about is that Pisces in general get too caught up in a dream of a 'perfect' woman, which is something I definitely do. I have a pretty specific list of traits my girl must have. So I guess...maybe I should try to lighten up. Ok I can't stop being distracted, I'll see you later.

Pisceans and Politics

2008-11-03T19:29:00.000-08:00

I have been continuing my research of astrology and particularly my sign. It's so weird how much I relate to the qualities associated with my sign. I was reading some of the comments of the other Pisceans and so much of what they say I relate so directly too with my own personality and experiences. I have mentioned in this blog how I am considered 'too nice' by many people, and how I see my self as someone who constantly adapts my personality depending on who I'm with, and I always mention my love for music and need for creativity, my need to get away when I'm feeling drained. And I almost always make decisions based on intuition. Are these idea's that everyone feels themselves relating so closely to? I don't think so. It really doesn't end there but those are some things I know I have mentioned in particular. The other thing is thought is that obviously there are millions and millions of pisces out there, I mean thousands of people alone probably born the exact same day as me. Not all of them would identify with the atributes of a pisces. So what does this mean? Does it mean that its all a falicy? Or is it like any other generalization and stereotype, based off of truths that simply cannot always be right?

I stoped blogging and passed out so now its the next afternoon and I will continute blogging about something completely different. So I woke up yesterday feeling like I had a fever and my throat really had hurt since sunday. This worries me because I have been spending a lot of time with a girl who has herpes(just as friends) and I dont want to be like prejudice against her and ward her off or something but I fear getting herpes. Herpes is with you for life. Really limits sexual activity and prospects for love as well as I see it. One of the symptoms for onset of herpes is a fever, and another is swelling of the gland in your throat. Worries me much? Yes. I gotta get to hurtado and get um to check me out. I actually had this same scare when I found out about her initially having herpes. I do worry a lot about STD's as I have mentioned in the past.

MIA - Paper Planes, good song. I will go to the gym today. I skipped yesterday but I'm considering it my day off for the week so I will go every day til sunday now. I skipped 2 days last week, so bad. I attibute my sickness to a weekend of heavy partying and now legitimate excersize(walking between parties doesn't count).

It is election day.

I went to my home town to vote. In and out, no lines. I knocked into the drummer from my old band. Actually really good to see him. He is a really good guy, he's just getting back into school. I'm glad that I made the decision to go right to college, I can see from kids older then me that chose not to go right to college how hard it is for them. 2 classes here, a semester off, 3 classes, a year off back to 2 classes. But back to the election, I definitely will call it for Obama, I think most people are. If its not him then the system must be seriously flawed because every poll shows Obams in the lead. My roommate is taking a nap, I think I might try to take a quick nap too. I slept like shit last night. It was terrible.

Go Ask Alice

2008-11-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

I feel like that book, I think the title is 'Go Ask Alice' or something like that. One of the only books that have ever caught my attention long enough for me to finish it. I am not a reader, but anything related to drugs always interests me. I find it so fascinating how }ensnaring{ drugs can become, and how a person's entire life and personality can shift. So that's why I love that book. But I feel like her because it is essentially a diary and she has so many ups and downs and that's just life. Life is full of ups and downs and changes and stagnation's. So interesting; so different. I was reading back to some of my older blogs as I like to do from time to time, and the one year anniversary of my blog was Oct. 14th. If you go back to that blog, my life was so similar and so different back then. The 7 friends who I once considered my 'best friends' are barely a glimmer on my acquaintance radar, with the exception of my main man, my current roommate. He and I probably had more in common then we ever knew. This situation is a blessing that we are now stuck together, because I think we're good for each other. But lets remember, those who I considered my best friends a year ago, are now people who I rarely bother to wave to on the street. I can only hope that doesn't happen to my current roommate and I.

}I would be much closer to alone at that point.{

Don't really have to worry about that now. Reading about my life in the past is a good exercise I feel like. I enjoy it. I can see how things are so similar, my worries and fears are so similar and it feels sooo long ago. In reality, it's been barely a year. I can actually remember that night when I first wrote my blog.

I have been thinking a lot about the future. What am I going to do? More College? That almost seems like the easiest thing to do. It also seems like the most awesome, I feel that grad school would be great because I could focus more on my main interests, and discover what I want to do. But it will probably be only more scary to enter the real world, for failure would be still ever imminent. I never used to worry so much about failing in my future. Its one thing I have been consistently confident about, I do believe in my ability to succeed at what I do, but what will I do is the question? If I have no direction, failure won't be far from view.

I'm going to try to get myself to bed now. I'll catch up with you tomorrow.

This is a College Town

2008-11-02T09:50:00.000-08:00

Rutgers - - Such a college town. 3am hundreds of kids running form party to party dressed up in all different completely ridiculous and awesome costumes. Red cups float through houses like pollen in the spring and the smell of marijuana is evident in all areas. Pizza available til 4am and Deli's open 24/7. 3pm, kids just getting themselves up, heading down to the local bagel shop and dining hall for an all too available breakfast when most of the time zone is finishing lunch or fixing up dinner. The walk of shame even more obvious when still in costume and kegs being rolled back to their home at Pete's Liquors. Awesome. I love it all.

Sunday, we all try to make up for the long weekend marathon by getting to the library before it strikes one. But we're all so lucky because the clocks just turned back, giving us an excellent extra hour of sleep. Yet another good weekend here at Rutgers. I have been definitely enjoying my semester more then in the past. I realized that I am definitely happy. Which I'm glad about. It's an ever prominent goal in my life. Happiness is literally the goal highest on my list, and all subsequent goals are essentially tactical goals to achieve my greatest need.

I don't think I'm going to exactly review the weekend because I do that too often, it was a classic Halloween. Costumes and beer, I was so sick from drinking on Saturday that I threw up at least 4 times slept til 2, went to eat(didn't eat anything) came home and slept until 5:50. Woke up, went to Philly for a bit, came back, and went out again. The most important thing to note about this weekend was that I was chillin with the NoG from last weekend(see last weekends post for a definition. I am becoming more attracted to her which is a good sign, I just need to not fuck it up by becoming the friend. So far I'm not there yet, but being a pussy and not making a move is not helping things because she is making it perfectly obvious what her intentions are, but its a difficult situation because she just got out of a long relationship with someone I am familiar with and she is what is known as a nice girl. Of course my favourite type of girl.

I am also happy because I feel like there is some consistency in the availability of fun now in my life. I am also happy because I feel that my ambition to get out there and party is having a direct and positive effect on the life of my roommate. He was sticking in the room and now he's coming out all the time, really working towards the goal. He's having a good time and I'm really happy about that. Its funny that my ambition now adays is getting out and partying. I really need to set some higher goals for myself. I need to find myself a job and an internship for the summer. I can't move backwards as much as I would like too. When you drain yourself dry like a raisin, you feel the need to bring back you're life. I definitely felt that need and now I'm feeling a bit lazy. It is what it is for now though, I'll find myself something to do.

I'm scared to go back to work, work changes things. I feel like I want to keep my life how it is in a way, I'm worried that working will bring in a whole new range of changes to my life.

Music.
I'm on the verge, I'm on the verge. Jack's Mannequin is a great, great band. If you're looking for something to listen to, and you want to check out something ridiculously awesome, if you're ready for greatness, listen to Jack's Mannequin. Their first album 'Everything in Transit' - I think its their first album but I could be wrong, ill refrase, their most popular album listed above, is so great. It combines catchy piano and keyboard melodies with simple guitar leads and drum beats and simply amazing lyrics and vocal melodies. Pick it up, very good feeling music with mostly major key tonalities, but when they go minor its also extremely well done. You feel that you know the lead singer really well, and that's an important part of connecting with this style of music.

I have extremely diverse tastes in music. I think everyone says that because they think just because they listen to hip hop and indie rock makes them diverse. I'd say it makes them more diverse then some. But I listen to everything from old school rap, gangster rap, hip hop, r&b, hardcore, metal, classic rock, jazz, classical, blues, indie rock, getting into techno, progressive rock, acoustic, jam, indie girl singers, and jazz singers. I think that might be mostly all I listen too. The only genres I'm not that into are punk/ska(too upbeat I think for me), and I don't listen to too much country(just never really got into it), I like both of those genres but don't really have them on my playlists. I think what differntiates me musically specifically is the blues/jazz that I listen to, metal/hardcore, and the indie girl singers(which a lot of girls are into but not so much dudes).

Ok, I would like to blog further and I might add to this later with somethings I forgot but I should actually study now since Im at the library.
____________________________________________________________________

Sorry, I felt like being extremely immature for a minute there. It says 69 posts if you can't see it clearly. I kind of just wanted to play around with computer screen shots which I've never done before but I think I might do it more often from now on. I'm out of the library and feeling extremely tired. I felt like I slept pretty well too, this morning I felt so rejuvenate since I wasn't hung over as shit. Anyway, funny funny story. So I pierced my ears 3 more times. To literally quadruple my piercing count to 4. And no one had mentioned or noticed it, but I knew somehow that the girl that I slept with a little while ago that I mentioned would notice when I saw her. And less then 5 minutes into seeing each other again she noticed. Kind of weird right? Still the only one to notice. Strange how I knew she would notice and she did very quickly. I feel bad for her because she has been completely sucked in to this internship. It stinks but she loves it so let it be.

While I was at the library, the NoG was there, and I could swear that she saw me but didn't come say hi, and I was with my friend(who is like her bf) and they were texting but she didn't come by. This worries me. I know I'm being paranoid but either one of two things is happening, she is purposely ignoring me, or she just doesn't care enough to say hi. Both of which are bad by the way. I think I fucked this one up too. But there's plenty of time, I've missed golden opportunities with girls before and turned it around. It always depends on the girl. Chances are I will see this girl a lot more often.

I'm being really lazy right now, eating pasta, not going to the gym, not studying or socializing. I feel like I get this way alot by evening on Sundays. Lackadasical and somewhat depressed in a way. But really its not actually depression, just apathy I guess in a way. At the library I was talking with my friend, she wants to live together next year, seems like it might be a good idea. Just me, her and my current roommate. Or maybe one more, and a dog of course. I do like it here, but change is always good too. Something to consider.

Blogger

2008-10-30T22:55:00.001-07:00

Thursday night, or Friday morning 1:55AM. Which ever you prefer, take your pick. I think I'm funny. I wasn't going to go out tonight but I did. I do that almost always. I just like to go out. Anyway, I went to a party with a bunch of kids from back at home, it was fun. Its always fun hangin with those kids. They're great, I really love my friends from home, and my roommate is great too. I hope that I see those kids more often. My friends girlfriend said to me that the girls in her dorm love me...I honestly don't know a single other girl in her dorm, how is that possible? She said and I quote, 'they use her facebook to look at me'. Dude, where the fuck are these girls when I'm looking for them! God damn. Its like the other day, I was searching everywhere, even in the obvious and completely desolate areas of my room, couldn't find it. Turns out it was in the most obvious place where I had already checked but not close enough. Turns out these girls are right under my nose, just not looking close enough. Like a douche bag.

Halloween! Its finally here, the greatest day ever. Except, I'm not a kid any more? Yea that's a question. I'm not a kid anymore? It stinks. I'm too old to trick or treat, instead I have to steal my younger sisters grand bag of candy when I go home(probably to eat). But for us older folks it essentially means parties where we dress up(where the most stressful part is coming up with a costume) and drinking alcohol. Sometimes pumpkin flavored. Or apple cider oriented. Anyway tomorrow I'll be going out to some of these parties, and hopefully Saturday.

Of course as always I'll give you a complete review of my weekend top to bottom. Thursday - Sunday. Funny how in college a weekend starts a day earlier regardless of how early your class is Thursday is still a weekend. So now instead of 3/7ths of the week u have 4/7ths. Thats a big deal, only 3 days dedicated to work? I guess you have to count Sunday because regardless of its affiliation with relaxation, it is still a day often dedicated strictly to work that was put off. Even families put off work and save it for Sunday.

There my house mate was again(from now on I will attempt to refer to my house mates as housemates(ppl in my house) and roommate as roommate(person sharing my room)), alone. I feel for her. She actually said this time, 'I always end up alone'. Its sad. I wish she didn't because she is great. Maybe its because she has my same problem as a pisces of adaptability but not exactly the ability to really get close to everyone. So shes friends with so many people here but not overly close, also, shes is overly conscious of it which I believe makes her try too hard sometimes. Ok, I do have to go to bed, I have an earlllly morning. I'll hit you up tomorrow when I complete my homework and study at the library, AKA, blogging time.

<3

Getting Raw

2008-10-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

Getting Raw. So I wanted a picture for my post and I typed in 'getting raw' into google and nothing with guitars came up so then I typed 'getting raw guitar' and this old thing came up. I thought it would be a good pick. Shes kind of sexy. Total slut though, not my type. If it were a real guitar it would be better. But anyway.

Quick rant related to my last post:

The other thing is that my house mate that wants to move out always says to my other house mate who is fake to her best friend, 'I took the garbage out all summer' or ' I cleaned the bathroom all summer' or I cleaned the kitchen all summer'. Which are all legitimate lies. I wont give him no credit, but honestly we all did all of that. And we all worked to keep things clean, and since it was only the three of us at that time(not the girl another roommate) it wasnt hard. We didnt even take garbage down that much only when the landlords complained and then I would do it on my own. Maybe once or twice he took it out without me, maaaaybe. At the max. And he's making it sound like I did nothing! Like he did it all, or like our other roommate did nothing, when we probably did the most. Bull shit.

Ok so to today. Overall I felt good, studied in the morning, went to class which was actually a little interesting. Made a rediculously good dish with potatoes, asparagus and garlic. Thats it with a few spices and a couple table spoons of olive oil and one Tbls of ranch. Sooo great roasted in the oven to perfection I was very proud of myself. Then I went to band practice. Apparently I'm in a band now. This band is really good its made up of a bunch of people I have been in bands with in the past except for one girl. But I've known her a while. The band has been around for I'd say atleast a year now and the other guitar player is out of this world and has a greattt set up for recording at his place. The bands name is 'Lux Astra' check um out, or I guess now 'us' out. I normally wouldn't link to something that so obviously can give away my true identity ha but whatever, what happens happens. I have about 1 month to learn all of the songs and get them tight which wont be easy because they are not easy to play. Unless maybe you're the guitar player form All That Remain(ATR).

It makes me happy to know that they want me in their band, and it makes me happy to finally know that I will be playing with a band again. Being in a band is like being in a family. You always see eachother, hang out, create together, fight, I mean its great. Everything about being in a band is really awesome even when its not. Lig-e-wis, life is good even when its not. I think I might get ligewis on my tattoo somewhere. Hm well something to think about, I think I'm going to pass out now. I'll see u when I see you.

Things do change

2008-10-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

It was the first snow of the season today. The weather has been all out of wack. Blame global warming? Who knows. I woke up knowing that it felt weird, I specifically opened my window because of this feeling and bam! snow. I'm pretty much psychic. Just kidding. Anyway, I have been feeling good in general, hitting the gym every day which feels good, doing alright in school, connecting with old friends, but, something is off again. What you ask?

My housemates. This weekend when I went out Friday to my friends house( this first one) with my roommates when everyone was matched up as I described it earlier, I kind of just sat back, drank and observed. And it sucked hearing two of my roommates talk about how one of them wants to move out( first time I ever heard that), and the other one saying that she doesn't know what she would do without him blah blah, saying that she's not really friends with are other roommate(who is essentially her best friend). I mean I feel like both of them are just being soooo two faced. I make a really serious attempt to keep every thing clean and be respectful of everyones bounds, I truely do put in more of my share to keep things unified in the house so people don't run around blaming others for this and that, I'll just do it. Also, I make a serious attempt to be friends with, and spend time with everyone but it's obviously not reciprocated.

Lets just break it down. My one roommate wanting to move out and saying nothing to anyone about it, just staying like a silent bitch when I've been working to try and keep him happy pisses me off. Pretty much its a slap in the face saying, "I can't stand living with you."

My other roommate says that her best friend is not her friend anymore, but they are just pretending? We'll what are we doing then? I'm trying to be friends with you and make a closer knit house but you don't even care about you're best relationship what makes me think you give a shit about our relationship? Fuck that. It makes me feel that trying is senseless.

My horiscope on monday stated,
{{
"Hey, loosen up there! You can't become too obsessed with every little detail in life. Everything is what it is -- some things can be changed, but some things cannot be. You'll be doing yourself a huge favor by understanding the difference between the two, especially in your personal life. Problems could arise in a partnership if you are nwilling to just let things go. You cannot change a person, you can only communicate how their behavior affects you."
{{

I mean sometimes horiscopes are useless, I hate anything to do with money or finance in you're horiscope its so unspritual if thats the right word. But anyway, this really kind of communicated something to me. Should I just loosen up? Probably. I mean a lot of things with people just piss me off, my own roommate(in my actual room who I've talked about who I feel like is my teammate, my wingman, you know?) gets on my nerves sometimes. Too much politics with him, he gets lazy with going to the gym sometimes when we promised we'd go, and things like that sometimes just piss me off. But I do have to let it go or I'll end up pushing all of my friends away by being pissed at them half the time. I'll have to work on that.

Music.
On the music side of things I keep working to try and write a song and sing. Just doesn't work. But this kid can do it pretty good so check him out.

Definitely inspiring, there are so many talented people in the world. Glad youtube can bring a lot of them together.

I like to make changes

2008-10-27T16:25:00.000-07:00

I have been always quite interested in astrology. In zodiac signs and what it all means. I feel like a true Pisces( I'm a march baby). The only thing I worry about is what if I feel like a Pisces just because I am one, I'm generally skeptical of getting caught up in things that are based on loose facts or faith. So how do I know I am really a representative of a Pisces? I think that I want to be because it is something that I can connect with on some level. I don't really have a race(im not white, black, Hispanic, or really I'm all of that).
But anyway, so today I looked over a website that essentially gives in-depth descriptions of each sign. I made sure to look over my sign, the signs of my family members, and a few others just to see what attributes of each I do see in myself and which I don't( and of course compared them to my family as well). It's really interesting how descriptive they are. In many of them there are many similarities however, each does have its over arching, encompassing theme, I definitely Identify with the attributes of a Pisces, the only attribute they discussed specifically that I don't believe is really me is 'Weak-willed and easily led'. These are the other positive and negative general traits of a Pisces:

Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic

On the dark side....

Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague
Weak-willed and easily led

Hmm, weak willed? Maybe. I don't think so, one thing that I have is will-power. If I want to get something done I will, and I can push myself to the brink. That's actually a defining characteristic that I hold and that I am proud of. My will drives me.

Easily led? Maybe. I can see that, most of my life I did not exactly take a leadership position. But I have made a point to change that, its not easy, its not in my comfort zone, but I do enjoy leadership. In fact, they describe Pisces as those not to work a '9-5' and that is exactly how I describe myself in relation to future working positions. I feel like that something I can't do. That's why I would like to run my own business, be a manager(and I enjoy management). However, they say that we are not meant to be leaders, mostlikely failed leaders, or are too scared to take on positions too high up in companies, potential middle managers at most. I can see that I do have fear of failure in a high ranking position, and maybe my Pisces trait of being idealistic makes me feal I can achieve these goals. Guess I have a lot to consider.

The whole point here right now is that I am pretty sure that I want to get a tattoo. For a long time I had no desire to get one, about a year ago that changed for some reason but I could never get a tattoo if it doesn't have some meaning close to me. I was thinking that maybe something that represents a Pisces symbol would be good because I feel that it would represent me. But I want to draw it. I don't want it to be too common and obvious. These are my doodles in class for possibilities, I'll upload more when I come up with them. So far my favorite is the one I boxed in on the bottom. It represents the fish swimming in opposite directions which is one symbol and also incorporates the 'H' pictured above. In the left 'fish' is a treble clef, and the right 'fish' has two dots next to it representing a bass clef, which represent my love of music(which is kind of cliche cause I don't think I know anyone who doesn't love music, not everyone plays it though!). Music is so powerful. I thought maybe get it down the side of my arm from the shoulder to the bottom of my tricep pretty much. I was going to keep blogging but, maybe later. I'll catch up with you soon.