What about the code of the ocean?

So here is the official update. Life has certainly changed a whole lot for me since the last time I've been here. I'm not sure how long ago my last blog post was, but it certainly must be atleast a month ago. From now on I feel like writing things in a business letter or paper format. I'll state my thesis and go from there to belabor my points.

Let me preface my thesis, which I originally did not intend on doing with a short excerpt from
My life. Within the past 3 weeks I have fallin for this girl. She's so cool, and I really like her. You have only heard me day that I like a girl about one other person, guarenteed. This is special for me. Luckily for me, she also likes me, and without getting into the details of the scenario we hooked up. She happens to be a good friend of mines ex. Did I make a mistake? No, I am really begining to see the light in this situation. Long story short, he is furious and has it out for me, more complicated then I can describe on this iPhone

Thesis: I am at an interesting intersection of my life because I have choices to make about my friends, my lovers, and myself that I have never had to face before.

My friends.

I can tell who my real friends are. Actually, I am in the process of discovering who they are. Most of my band is certainly in the circle, one of them is on a thin line currently because he betrayed me, but I understand how and why he did it, and he knows he is at fault. Some of my friends see my point of view, some care to take the time out to see it. Some choose to see only one side and sit back and assume the worst of me, that I fucked over my friend. Are they really my friends? Are they people I care to have as friends? If this situation did not shed light on who I can and cannot count on, then what about when I really needed someone in the future? What if something worse had happened? Who could I count on then? Now I know. I want to give a shout out to mikeyx, jimmy, anthony, dano, brett and pat. You'll never read this or know about it, but I sincerely appreciate your ability to recognize both sides of this fiasco.

At what point did I realize this would become a fiasco? This situation are the vines that climb up the bricks of a old brownstown building in Brooklyn. When the seeds began to sprout no one was aware that one day the vines would break apart the bricks and creep underneath the floors. I never realized. And now Im caught up inside the house wondering how I should handle this pest.

My lovers.

Is this girl worth all of the trouble? Does that even matter? Why should it? Why shouldn't I be with her even temporarilly if she's making me happy? We are having a good time. Who should tell me I can do that? I should stop out of a friends jealousy? Who is more selfish here, is it myself? Or is it my friend? I truly do not know the answer. Do I want a relationship?don't I know that this girl isn't right for me? Why do I want her so bad? Why do I have so many questions? All I know is that I don't need to sit around wondering what if, and what could have been?

What could have been?

I'll have to finish this blog later, fingers getting tired.

A weekend to make me think

I decided that I would try and exercise tonight.

I want to think of events that have shaped my life, shaped who I am today, now. And why?

I may just review some moments I remember of my childhood. Why am I who I am.

I was on metafilter reading a blog about life changing experiences and the events that shaped peoples lives actually made me almost shed a tear. And I dont tear very often. It was intense. Its intense hearing the little things, or sometimes big things that change how people are. And who they are now. Years and years later.

Well. Here goes.

Experience 1 : When I was younger I was disciplined seriously for being out of line slightly. Once, my sister and I brought a lighter to school. We were caught, and sentenced to a 2 month intense lockdown in the house, grounding. My dad also beat us when we were little, and for me, that definitely taught me what would be appropriate and what would not be. I really believe that, I work hard today because I felt what being out of line could be.

Experience 2 : I learned at an early age that my parents were real people. The realization struck, quick, and hard, mostlikely around the time of their divorce. I think divorce may be hard on children because it makes them see their parents for who they are before they can handle it. For me, I could handle it, and I knew it was for the best. But I was still worried, and confused. My parents were never the same to me after that. Now I'm almost 21, and both of my parents are complete people. I can see every flaw and every grace for what they are, and I can see them for who they are. I know that I will not be better parents then they were. None of us are perfect.

Experience 3 : My friend had told me at age 7 that he was going to do heroine when he was old because it was only as bad as smoking a pack of cigaretts per day. I couldnt comprehend his logic. I couldnt understand that thought process, and it hit me that I dont relate to the way most people think. Thats when I realized I was different, not only on the outside, but on the inside.

Experience 4 : I'll finish this up tomorrow.

Its been some time

I have been thinking about blogging a little bit lately. Not too much, but I figured maybe its time to get my feelings out. I have been enjoying life still I'd say. The band is doing really well, we have been playing all of our shows really tight, our live performance is better then it way, however it can get better. But everywhere we go we have been very good reception from people, definitely makes us feel really good. I appreciate everyone out there that comes to see us, and even does watch us but doesnt come out for us, and to those of you that may come out to see us in the future I am greatful. We have been asked to come back to play again pretty much everywhere. Its great.

Spending time with everyone in the band and that we meet has also been great. Sometimes its hard seeing people a trillion time in a row and and for 15 hours straight all weekend haha be sometimes its just a blast and although sometimes we're fed up with eachother in the end thats how it goes and its all gravy we're all happy to be playing together. Its absolutely the best group I've every played with.

Girls.Met this girl at a show, thought she was sweet. She was cute, cute voice, she may be almost too involved in activities though haha. More ambitious and curious then myself I'd say.But I do want to get to know her more and see what she's really about. I definitely would want to hook up with her at the least. And I think I can. There's only one problem. My boy. He also like her. Not sure how this is going to pan out,but I'll let you know. Its kind of like if he cant have her no one can is how I'm feeling but the deal that's just not legit so I think I'm going to explain to him that it is just being selfish, and I know its hard to see a friend hook up with a girl you like and shit but the if I cant you cant deal is not legit. So I would like to.

Anyway. I dunno. Not really into school this semester, not into business, not into thinking about a real future. I am into fantasizing about my band touring year round and shit like that. We are going to tour for a month this summer which is great. I do usually combine facts with fantasy though. With the way things are going if we pick up a bit more we can be signed Id say by next summer. About a year and half. My horiscope today said that my analyitcal and intuitive sides have been clashing lately. I feel that that's true, I have seen them clash lately, I have felt them clash, seen them clash. Ironically, I was answering questions for class today, and online survey which in a way describes what type of person you are and how you make decisions and all that ish. And I was conflicted on a lot of questions because I couldn't decide if I was leaning more towards my intuitive self or analytical. Very much so lately though I have been leaning towards my intuitive self. Overall I am an intuitive person, make much of my decisions on how I think they'll turn out. On my gut, just saying I trust that this is the right decision.

Version of myself

I'm not sure if I blogged about this already, but if I have forgive me, I'm too lazy to check my last blog.

Lately, I feel like another version of myself. Like and anti social, more observant version of myself. I haven't been feeling as conversational, and I have been feeling more cynical. Just thinking of reasons why the people I'm with don't really matter much to me anymore. And sometimes its been that way with people that I actually really like. I'm just in an odd emotional state. Who knows why? Overall things are pretty good, its just something that possesses me sometimes. Anyway, I'm considering taking this girl out on a date, either that or bringing her just out to a party with me to chill...which do you think? I can't decide, I'm thinking probably get to know her at party and then see if she's worth a dinner...that makes the most sense. Thrice is pretty good by the way, pick up some shit by them. later.

Monday

Life is just life right now. I'm openly avoiding my roommates right now. I've just been locking my door and trying to not hang out with them. It's kind of just the way things are right now. I'm not feeling especially social, nor do I see any benefits from their friendship, and I also know that friendship with them is always going to be shallow, so its useless. I think that all of my relationships are shallow. I'm just that kind of a person. I tried to chill with some of my friends today, but now its 10pm and no one hit me up. But the wierd thing is that even as I write this I'm not really upset about it, its just the way my life is. And i know that. I definitely know that my entire life will be this way. Its been this way since I had my first friend, and I'll be this way with my last friend. At least I had friends on some level. If I really need interaction I can have it.

I've been locked in my room now for literally 8.5 hours now. Since 11.30. I took two showers, watched some episodes of the Wire and played guitar. I think I blogged that I was going to work really hard at guitar. And I have been working. I need my electric though, its at my friends place and I only have my acoustic. But I guess when I get to my electric it will just be even easier to play the things I'm stuggling on. And i love my elec anyway. Should i go get some food? I'm not really hungry for anything. I could go for a drink of some sort. What if I just got drunk tonight by myself. I dont think I could do that. lol. Sounds boring. I got some dunkin donuts coffee yesterday and it sucked, I got some ABP coffee today, and it sucked. fuck that!

Blogging is a funny thing

I blog especially when there are things on my mind that I can't get out any other way. I can't really express this feeling to anyone yet. I want to. Getting it out will make me feel so much better, I know it is something that I can't fix. So, I'll just tell you..the internet.

I'm in this band Lux Astra and we are pretty ballin id say. But the thing is that, I am pretty much the Rhythm guitar player - or guitar 2. I am relatively new to the band( not to the players in the band or the scene ), but being guitar 2 sucks. And the thing thats even worse is that I am guitar 2 in life - I am never recognized for being a good guitar player. Not in my home town atleast. Only at school. I am much better school. At home, I'm a guitar nobody. I'm a guitar nobody even thought I'm really just number 3. I am the third best. Third best might as well be third worst. The worst. I might as well suck shit dicks. I get no recognition, and we all know I love recognition. This inner conflict may just be the death of me in this band. Every day I hear things like it sucks cause I can only work with our guitar 1. Or what if 1st and 2nd best guitar players got together to play. That would be crazy. Like fuck! Shouldn't it be crazy enough that guitar player 1 and 3 are together. Sorry now that I introduced this new guitar player I am 3 and the other guitar player in my band is 1, which he is tied for I'd say. Fuck! It's just so frustrating, I mean evvvvveryone says things like that. And I think people just don't realize what its like. I mean I have dedicated a lot of time and love to practicing and playing guitar. And first of all, when I'm not the best I hate it, and when I'm not the best at something I LOVE so much, it just hurts. It hurts to hear it. And I know it! But getting slapped in the face with it, and having people tell me im not the best all the time(in directly) and just never recognizing me and a best, sucks. I mean I'm not even in the other guitar players league as far as everyone else is concerned. Maybe I need to spend this break going crazy practicing guitar, I think thats what I need to do. I'll have a lot of time and practice makes perfect. I think I'm scared, or maybe I just know that practicing for 8 hours straight like it used to may not happen anymore. Especially when Im just affraid of failing, of never getting any better then I am now. What if I'm just not destined to be so good? Anything I've been good at, I've had to fight the shit for. Go crazy trying to be best. I'm just frustrated.

A day for reflection

Sorry.

I'm sorry I have forgotten you. I have forgotten what the freedom of writing can do for me. My life has been in a good place, the better things get the more I forget about you. I'm sorry for that. But I guess its good for both of us considering you are me. I control you, and if I'm happy you're happy. So I have decided to write today because the simplicity of a lonely phone call inspired nostalgia in me. Nostalgia which lead to reflection, nostalgia which made me recognize how quickly time is moving. It feel as though this semester just began, the fact that it's just ending feels rediculous. I remember everything that has happened over this fast paced semester, and it all feels so muted. Its memories without sound, like a montage in my mind. Although, it feels as though it all began yesterday, all the memories feel so far away. What is that? Why is that?

I have lost sight of many things. I have brought into focus many things as well. I have changed. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I changed. Last night, we were talking about how one of my friends has not changed at all, how he's just as he was 5 years ago. I'm barely the same person I was one month ago. Is the change in me necessarily bad. No. Infact, most likely it is necessarily good. I am happy that my mom accepts the way that I like to live my life. My current dilemma lies in the fact that I see a near sighted future with my band, and a long term dissapointment. What do I do with myself when we're not successful anymore? Hold on to the past? When is giving up the way to go? I'm finding some pretty good lyrics in this blog. I have a feeling that getting to bed is going to be hard on me tonight. I'm going to try soon though. Check my band out at http://myspace.com/luxastranj.