Blogging is a funny thing

I blog especially when there are things on my mind that I can't get out any other way. I can't really express this feeling to anyone yet. I want to. Getting it out will make me feel so much better, I know it is something that I can't fix. So, I'll just tell you..the internet.

I'm in this band Lux Astra and we are pretty ballin id say. But the thing is that, I am pretty much the Rhythm guitar player - or guitar 2. I am relatively new to the band( not to the players in the band or the scene ), but being guitar 2 sucks. And the thing thats even worse is that I am guitar 2 in life - I am never recognized for being a good guitar player. Not in my home town atleast. Only at school. I am much better school. At home, I'm a guitar nobody. I'm a guitar nobody even thought I'm really just number 3. I am the third best. Third best might as well be third worst. The worst. I might as well suck shit dicks. I get no recognition, and we all know I love recognition. This inner conflict may just be the death of me in this band. Every day I hear things like it sucks cause I can only work with our guitar 1. Or what if 1st and 2nd best guitar players got together to play. That would be crazy. Like fuck! Shouldn't it be crazy enough that guitar player 1 and 3 are together. Sorry now that I introduced this new guitar player I am 3 and the other guitar player in my band is 1, which he is tied for I'd say. Fuck! It's just so frustrating, I mean evvvvveryone says things like that. And I think people just don't realize what its like. I mean I have dedicated a lot of time and love to practicing and playing guitar. And first of all, when I'm not the best I hate it, and when I'm not the best at something I LOVE so much, it just hurts. It hurts to hear it. And I know it! But getting slapped in the face with it, and having people tell me im not the best all the time(in directly) and just never recognizing me and a best, sucks. I mean I'm not even in the other guitar players league as far as everyone else is concerned. Maybe I need to spend this break going crazy practicing guitar, I think thats what I need to do. I'll have a lot of time and practice makes perfect. I think I'm scared, or maybe I just know that practicing for 8 hours straight like it used to may not happen anymore. Especially when Im just affraid of failing, of never getting any better then I am now. What if I'm just not destined to be so good? Anything I've been good at, I've had to fight the shit for. Go crazy trying to be best. I'm just frustrated.