I never used to do that

I have been meaning to post up another entry for a few days but I get real lazy and don't feel like it a lot. Not unless I think I have something really important to say, but I rarely do. Something I realized this morning is that I just can't think of a way that my life will just pick up again. Lately, I'll just look at it through optimistic eyes, I say, "hey its looking up," or "its going to be the way it was soon," I just don't see it any more. Good thing I'm writing this because I realize if I want things back the way they were I need to be more proactive. I really need another day off, thats key. Work is the main cause of my distance from my friends, the second cause is a whole multitude of things ranging from their own current insecurities to a physical distance between us which makes things difficult with such busy schedules.
Anyway, recently and regretfully I have been using the word fagot. Honestly, I never, ever used to use that word. My friends would use it, along with many other offensive words that they use regularly, but I would not. It's not me. I have no hate towards homosexual people, not at all. Often I would use the word 'gay' with a negative connotation but I couldn't really help it, it's something I took from high school, everyone used it and you catch one to those things. But I just see a correlation between my new current use of this word and my new anger and discomfort with life.
I wish that I could find new friends. Evidently, however, I cannot. My life doesn't really allot for time to search and penetrate a new group. Nor does my selective choice for friends allot for anyone else that I have seen in Rutgers. These friends were surely the best. I was really so glad to have them. Too bad.
This blog was all sparked by a phone call, then a doorbell ring, just for some pancake mix. I just realized that my friends who is picking up the mix, called my other friend first who also lives with me. He wasn't even home. Lets list:
1. He wasn't home
2. She called him first
3. Normally in the past, I would be
4. Borrowed our mix, did not invite me for some
5. The kid who went home, never even told me he was leaving,
6. Neither did my other roommate
Final result is just lameness. So, I'm sitting here typing away. Work, thats really why my real best friends are at work. Maybe instead of getting a day off I should get another job and make more friends there.