Monday

Life is just life right now. I'm openly avoiding my roommates right now. I've just been locking my door and trying to not hang out with them. It's kind of just the way things are right now. I'm not feeling especially social, nor do I see any benefits from their friendship, and I also know that friendship with them is always going to be shallow, so its useless. I think that all of my relationships are shallow. I'm just that kind of a person. I tried to chill with some of my friends today, but now its 10pm and no one hit me up. But the wierd thing is that even as I write this I'm not really upset about it, its just the way my life is. And i know that. I definitely know that my entire life will be this way. Its been this way since I had my first friend, and I'll be this way with my last friend. At least I had friends on some level. If I really need interaction I can have it.

I've been locked in my room now for literally 8.5 hours now. Since 11.30. I took two showers, watched some episodes of the Wire and played guitar. I think I blogged that I was going to work really hard at guitar. And I have been working. I need my electric though, its at my friends place and I only have my acoustic. But I guess when I get to my electric it will just be even easier to play the things I'm stuggling on. And i love my elec anyway. Should i go get some food? I'm not really hungry for anything. I could go for a drink of some sort. What if I just got drunk tonight by myself. I dont think I could do that. lol. Sounds boring. I got some dunkin donuts coffee yesterday and it sucked, I got some ABP coffee today, and it sucked. fuck that!

Blogging is a funny thing

I blog especially when there are things on my mind that I can't get out any other way. I can't really express this feeling to anyone yet. I want to. Getting it out will make me feel so much better, I know it is something that I can't fix. So, I'll just tell you..the internet.

I'm in this band Lux Astra and we are pretty ballin id say. But the thing is that, I am pretty much the Rhythm guitar player - or guitar 2. I am relatively new to the band( not to the players in the band or the scene ), but being guitar 2 sucks. And the thing thats even worse is that I am guitar 2 in life - I am never recognized for being a good guitar player. Not in my home town atleast. Only at school. I am much better school. At home, I'm a guitar nobody. I'm a guitar nobody even thought I'm really just number 3. I am the third best. Third best might as well be third worst. The worst. I might as well suck shit dicks. I get no recognition, and we all know I love recognition. This inner conflict may just be the death of me in this band. Every day I hear things like it sucks cause I can only work with our guitar 1. Or what if 1st and 2nd best guitar players got together to play. That would be crazy. Like fuck! Shouldn't it be crazy enough that guitar player 1 and 3 are together. Sorry now that I introduced this new guitar player I am 3 and the other guitar player in my band is 1, which he is tied for I'd say. Fuck! It's just so frustrating, I mean evvvvveryone says things like that. And I think people just don't realize what its like. I mean I have dedicated a lot of time and love to practicing and playing guitar. And first of all, when I'm not the best I hate it, and when I'm not the best at something I LOVE so much, it just hurts. It hurts to hear it. And I know it! But getting slapped in the face with it, and having people tell me im not the best all the time(in directly) and just never recognizing me and a best, sucks. I mean I'm not even in the other guitar players league as far as everyone else is concerned. Maybe I need to spend this break going crazy practicing guitar, I think thats what I need to do. I'll have a lot of time and practice makes perfect. I think I'm scared, or maybe I just know that practicing for 8 hours straight like it used to may not happen anymore. Especially when Im just affraid of failing, of never getting any better then I am now. What if I'm just not destined to be so good? Anything I've been good at, I've had to fight the shit for. Go crazy trying to be best. I'm just frustrated.

A day for reflection

Sorry.

I'm sorry I have forgotten you. I have forgotten what the freedom of writing can do for me. My life has been in a good place, the better things get the more I forget about you. I'm sorry for that. But I guess its good for both of us considering you are me. I control you, and if I'm happy you're happy. So I have decided to write today because the simplicity of a lonely phone call inspired nostalgia in me. Nostalgia which lead to reflection, nostalgia which made me recognize how quickly time is moving. It feel as though this semester just began, the fact that it's just ending feels rediculous. I remember everything that has happened over this fast paced semester, and it all feels so muted. Its memories without sound, like a montage in my mind. Although, it feels as though it all began yesterday, all the memories feel so far away. What is that? Why is that?

I have lost sight of many things. I have brought into focus many things as well. I have changed. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I changed. Last night, we were talking about how one of my friends has not changed at all, how he's just as he was 5 years ago. I'm barely the same person I was one month ago. Is the change in me necessarily bad. No. Infact, most likely it is necessarily good. I am happy that my mom accepts the way that I like to live my life. My current dilemma lies in the fact that I see a near sighted future with my band, and a long term dissapointment. What do I do with myself when we're not successful anymore? Hold on to the past? When is giving up the way to go? I'm finding some pretty good lyrics in this blog. I have a feeling that getting to bed is going to be hard on me tonight. I'm going to try soon though. Check my band out at http://myspace.com/luxastranj.

Down

Im feeling down right now. It's really only because I'm really tired and my roommate situation has been increasingly frustrating for me. I just keep getting the feeling that he's only here because he has to be you know? And its like, why am I going to try to get him to come out or set up things to do, and things if its just not going to make anything change. I shouldn't do it if he's just going to go home every chance he gets because that attitude is a drain on me. I just need to do things for myself. I mean its not like he ever sets plans himself unless they're to go home, and usually the only time he's interested in going out is if our friend ange is involved. I have been procrastinating a lot! I just cannot focus on anything because I'm so distracted by making things like that up top. That Banner is pretty baller too! I'm so ballin at this. I think I blogged yesterday? Right? This weekend was awesome and this has been a great semester. Haha Dharma and Greg, gets me everytime lol.

I'm going to take some NyQuil, shower. And passout. Peace.

Sorry I've been gone

Hey bros. I know its been a while, I'm sorry. I've been busy, less enthused to blog for some reason. Been playing music, playing with pictures { aka top photo } hangin with friends, studying and drinking. Going on the official start of week 4 of being sick. Kind of curious if I'm just still sick because of my bad habits. We'll see. But anyway, that banner is pretty baller right. I'm pumped about it I love it. I think I'm going to make it our top pic on the page. Click on it and check out the myspace.

This was another great weekend. Absolutely aweseome. This is officially one of the best semesters of my college career. Probably first semester freshmen year and then this semester, second semester freshmen year, and first semester sophmore year. Thats the top semesters order probably...Hmm not sure though. But I think thats about right, yea. I've got to take a shower. I was petting my dog and got her dander all over me and I get so allergic and itchy. I should shave too. I'm like a grizzly bear.

I love the song Paper Planes by MIA. Awesome.

I feel like I've been gone a while

I know I only skipped one day but I feel like I haven't really blogged in a while. My space bar is hard to press down right now and is rising back up slowly, its pissing me off. So.

I mentioned how I went to spend some time with my dad this weekend. My dad is big into astrology. So we we're talking about how I was getting interested in astrology and that I related with Pisces a lot, and I said the only part that I don't feel is really me is 'weak willed' which if you look into previous blogs I mentioned this. My dad, the genius that he is, said that's because of my 'ascending sign' { I think that's what he called it' which has to do with the time you're born and all that is Capricorn, and Capricorn's are extremely strong willed. You're ascending sign is the way people view you. Which is so interesting. Because I think that's definitely true. I have been called regularly almost every descriptive term of a capricorn. Specifically, they are looked up to as 'ballers' one might say { Really I would only say it like that, and that they tend to be Work-a-holics, they also mentioned that people see them as odd { and I believe that a lot of people probably see me as odd }. An odd-baller that is.

Personally, I do feel that I relate with a lot of parts of that sign, particularly, the idea of being hard working, always needing to strive to be the best and not knowing why. But I wouldn't consider myself a pessimist which is a characteristic of Capricorn. The funny thing is that Capricorn and Pisces are good match for relationships, I'm essentially an all in one combo right here.

I have finally been paid! Once it clears, and it may take a while... I'll get my tattoo, or maybe I will just use my CC and pay it off when the money transfers. I also want to buy a new pair of glasses.

Great Nights with no Plot

This weekend was actually really good. And I only drank one night out of the week. That's a record. It's because I'm still sick, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. But anyway, so Thursday did nothing, Friday went to see Role Models, and yesterday I went into the city for a nice lunch with my dad, his girl friend, and my sisters. After that my dad, sister and I went to go see Madagascar 2 which was honestly really funny. I need to go watch the first one now because I've only seen some of it.

My sister and I got back on the train home around {615} and we were both feeling sick. But spending time with my younger sister is always good for both of us. She needs time with me and as much as I need time with her. She is definitely the youngest. She needs me to be there as her older brother. And she needs my sister to be there as her older sister but our older sister can't see the value in accepting her. In the past our younger sister was a pain, and received a ton of special treatment, and now she does continue live a less restricted life then both my sister and I enjoyed, but that's just the nature of parenting. Its a learning process. And my younger sister is a special case. She may still stretch the truth, and she may still be a bit bratty sometimes. But some of what she learned is a direct result of watching my older sister. In no way is my older sister a liar, however, she does feel entitled to special treatment as far as doing her part around the house. So, anyway, one day my older sister will see that our younger sister needs her love, and that she is deserving of it. For my entire immediate family, the only family we have is our immediate family. My mom, dad, and the three of us. There is barely of glimmer of valuable family relationships past this. And in the future, my sisters will both be glad to have each other. Because whether they see it or not, the love between us is truly unconditional.

Ok, so after that tangent, I went to band practice, which was great for 15 minutes and then we just sat around and chilled. Got beer, went to my place, and had a blast chilling out. Some of my roommates friends came by and we just hung out drank, got food, played music and laughed and had a blast. Its those nights which make me feels so good. Makes me feel good to have these people that I love around me, and these people that I truely enjoy their company, and that enjoy mine. I most of the band yesterday that I was in for the long haul. That I was willing to quit school if we got signed, which I mentioned in the past I see as a far off goal { I don't want it to seem like I see it as an immediate possibility, a lot of things must change in the band first }, but we have the potential. And there is no group of people I would rather play music with. The music is great if you're into the genre and the music is continuing to evolve and everyone is awesome. Alright, I'm going to go take a shit and then get to work.