Passive Aggressive Notes

This is a passive aggressive note. So annoying. When you live in a house, these things happen. People hate confrontation so much that these notes take the place of uncomfortable situations. This note has been sitting on the sink in my kitchen for at least 13 hours now. Annoyed? Yeah, I'm annoyed. I have to be the one to endure confrontation with the culprit because is so annoyed. If this was the house I was in last year I wouldn't have cared about the minimal mess. It took a lot more before we got these notes last year. But we had um. I'm going to keep documenting these notes and posting them up here and on this sweet website I just found Passive Aggressive Notes dot Com. Pretty baller website. I hate passive aggressive notes, I feel like it intensifies the tension and drama. Anyway, next topic.

Ew. Food { I love food // I hate watching people eat } . I was on the bus yesterday { or the day before } and I was sitting about a foot an a half from a girl who was eating, and I was facing her. It made me so uncomfortable. Watching her eat. I felt as if I was invading her privacy. It seemed so intimate. Satisfying you're self in that way just seems so intimate. It was as if I was watching her have sex right there in front of me. If felt that intense. I was disgused by it. I hope no one ever watches me eat.

Maybe its different while you're eating as well, or maybe it depends on the person, or you're relation to them. It's not as if I always feel this way.

The need for newness

I am always in search for something new. I recently pierced my ears 3 times myself in one week simply because I wanted something new. I consistently change my hairstyle and update my look because I get so easily bored of the old. I'm always in search of a new identity and something to grab everyone's attention. When I pierced my ears I thought 'hey, everyone will notice this new feature' but no one really did lol. But in the end do I change things more for myself or to get attention? I think it is a combination of both. I hate being the same all the time, it's so boring, and I have a great motivation to change things because I enjoy being the center of attention even if its for a moment.

Change can be good or bad. But when I change my look I usually take reversible risks. A reversible risk is a change in style, or my hair, or even my piercings because those are easy to take out, or I can easily regrow my hair. A tattoo is simply not so easily reversed. I drew up a new blue print. Here I'll show it to you. I think it may just be the one:

I sketched this one out in class and I immediately loved it. I really like the idea of having it in a frame for some reason, I don't know why but I think it looks cool, and it has the incorporation of the Pisces symbol, the representation of dark and light, and music. Really the frame and vines don't mean much their just for artistic purposes, just make it look cool. I think I'm going to get this on the back of my arm down my Triceps. I'm really happy with this one. I'm going to re-sketch it a few times and see if I can make any improvements but that is the basic idea for now. Anyone have any suggestions? I'm definitely open to them.

I'm just sitting in the Livingston library waiting for my group to get here. I have class here until 120 and we're meeting at 3 so I didn't want to go home and come back. The meeting will probably only last like 30 minutes so I'll try to get to the gym by 430 and be ready by 6 probably for this awesome night(I hope) lol. I always look too much forward to certain things and then I'm let down. Plus, I'm stillll sickk! I really hope its not anything serious. I should probably go to the health center today but I don't want them to tell me something that will ruin my night. I'll just go grab some mucinex and cough drops.

I'll leave you with this aweeesome video:

Getting Raw

Getting Raw. So I wanted a picture for my post and I typed in 'getting raw' into google and nothing with guitars came up so then I typed 'getting raw guitar' and this old thing came up. I thought it would be a good pick. Shes kind of sexy. Total slut though, not my type. If it were a real guitar it would be better. But anyway.

Quick rant related to my last post:

The other thing is that my house mate that wants to move out always says to my other house mate who is fake to her best friend, 'I took the garbage out all summer' or ' I cleaned the bathroom all summer' or I cleaned the kitchen all summer'. Which are all legitimate lies. I wont give him no credit, but honestly we all did all of that. And we all worked to keep things clean, and since it was only the three of us at that time(not the girl another roommate) it wasnt hard. We didnt even take garbage down that much only when the landlords complained and then I would do it on my own. Maybe once or twice he took it out without me, maaaaybe. At the max. And he's making it sound like I did nothing! Like he did it all, or like our other roommate did nothing, when we probably did the most. Bull shit.

Ok so to today. Overall I felt good, studied in the morning, went to class which was actually a little interesting. Made a rediculously good dish with potatoes, asparagus and garlic. Thats it with a few spices and a couple table spoons of olive oil and one Tbls of ranch. Sooo great roasted in the oven to perfection I was very proud of myself. Then I went to band practice. Apparently I'm in a band now. This band is really good its made up of a bunch of people I have been in bands with in the past except for one girl. But I've known her a while. The band has been around for I'd say atleast a year now and the other guitar player is out of this world and has a greattt set up for recording at his place. The bands name is 'Lux Astra' check um out, or I guess now 'us' out. I normally wouldn't link to something that so obviously can give away my true identity ha but whatever, what happens happens. I have about 1 month to learn all of the songs and get them tight which wont be easy because they are not easy to play. Unless maybe you're the guitar player form All That Remain(ATR).

It makes me happy to know that they want me in their band, and it makes me happy to finally know that I will be playing with a band again. Being in a band is like being in a family. You always see eachother, hang out, create together, fight, I mean its great. Everything about being in a band is really awesome even when its not. Lig-e-wis, life is good even when its not. I think I might get ligewis on my tattoo somewhere. Hm well something to think about, I think I'm going to pass out now. I'll see u when I see you.

Things do change

It was the first snow of the season today. The weather has been all out of wack. Blame global warming? Who knows. I woke up knowing that it felt weird, I specifically opened my window because of this feeling and bam! snow. I'm pretty much psychic. Just kidding. Anyway, I have been feeling good in general, hitting the gym every day which feels good, doing alright in school, connecting with old friends, but, something is off again. What you ask?

My housemates. This weekend when I went out Friday to my friends house( this first one) with my roommates when everyone was matched up as I described it earlier, I kind of just sat back, drank and observed. And it sucked hearing two of my roommates talk about how one of them wants to move out( first time I ever heard that), and the other one saying that she doesn't know what she would do without him blah blah, saying that she's not really friends with are other roommate(who is essentially her best friend). I mean I feel like both of them are just being soooo two faced. I make a really serious attempt to keep every thing clean and be respectful of everyones bounds, I truely do put in more of my share to keep things unified in the house so people don't run around blaming others for this and that, I'll just do it. Also, I make a serious attempt to be friends with, and spend time with everyone but it's obviously not reciprocated.

Lets just break it down. My one roommate wanting to move out and saying nothing to anyone about it, just staying like a silent bitch when I've been working to try and keep him happy pisses me off. Pretty much its a slap in the face saying, "I can't stand living with you."

My other roommate says that her best friend is not her friend anymore, but they are just pretending? We'll what are we doing then? I'm trying to be friends with you and make a closer knit house but you don't even care about you're best relationship what makes me think you give a shit about our relationship? Fuck that. It makes me feel that trying is senseless.

My horiscope on monday stated,
{{
"Hey, loosen up there! You can't become too obsessed with every little detail in life. Everything is what it is -- some things can be changed, but some things cannot be. You'll be doing yourself a huge favor by understanding the difference between the two, especially in your personal life. Problems could arise in a partnership if you are nwilling to just let things go. You cannot change a person, you can only communicate how their behavior affects you."
{{

I mean sometimes horiscopes are useless, I hate anything to do with money or finance in you're horiscope its so unspritual if thats the right word. But anyway, this really kind of communicated something to me. Should I just loosen up? Probably. I mean a lot of things with people just piss me off, my own roommate(in my actual room who I've talked about who I feel like is my teammate, my wingman, you know?) gets on my nerves sometimes. Too much politics with him, he gets lazy with going to the gym sometimes when we promised we'd go, and things like that sometimes just piss me off. But I do have to let it go or I'll end up pushing all of my friends away by being pissed at them half the time. I'll have to work on that.

Music.
On the music side of things I keep working to try and write a song and sing. Just doesn't work. But this kid can do it pretty good so check him out.



Definitely inspiring, there are so many talented people in the world. Glad youtube can bring a lot of them together.

I like to make changes

I have been always quite interested in astrology. In zodiac signs and what it all means. I feel like a true Pisces( I'm a march baby). The only thing I worry about is what if I feel like a Pisces just because I am one, I'm generally skeptical of getting caught up in things that are based on loose facts or faith. So how do I know I am really a representative of a Pisces? I think that I want to be because it is something that I can connect with on some level. I don't really have a race(im not white, black, Hispanic, or really I'm all of that).
But anyway, so today I looked over a website that essentially gives in-depth descriptions of each sign. I made sure to look over my sign, the signs of my family members, and a few others just to see what attributes of each I do see in myself and which I don't( and of course compared them to my family as well). It's really interesting how descriptive they are. In many of them there are many similarities however, each does have its over arching, encompassing theme, I definitely Identify with the attributes of a Pisces, the only attribute they discussed specifically that I don't believe is really me is 'Weak-willed and easily led'. These are the other positive and negative general traits of a Pisces:

Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic

On the dark side....

Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague
Weak-willed and easily led

Hmm, weak willed? Maybe. I don't think so, one thing that I have is will-power. If I want to get something done I will, and I can push myself to the brink. That's actually a defining characteristic that I hold and that I am proud of. My will drives me.

Easily led? Maybe. I can see that, most of my life I did not exactly take a leadership position. But I have made a point to change that, its not easy, its not in my comfort zone, but I do enjoy leadership. In fact, they describe Pisces as those not to work a '9-5' and that is exactly how I describe myself in relation to future working positions. I feel like that something I can't do. That's why I would like to run my own business, be a manager(and I enjoy management). However, they say that we are not meant to be leaders, mostlikely failed leaders, or are too scared to take on positions too high up in companies, potential middle managers at most. I can see that I do have fear of failure in a high ranking position, and maybe my Pisces trait of being idealistic makes me feal I can achieve these goals. Guess I have a lot to consider.

The whole point here right now is that I am pretty sure that I want to get a tattoo. For a long time I had no desire to get one, about a year ago that changed for some reason but I could never get a tattoo if it doesn't have some meaning close to me. I was thinking that maybe something that represents a Pisces symbol would be good because I feel that it would represent me. But I want to draw it. I don't want it to be too common and obvious. These are my doodles in class for possibilities, I'll upload more when I come up with them. So far my favorite is the one I boxed in on the bottom. It represents the fish swimming in opposite directions which is one symbol and also incorporates the 'H' pictured above. In the left 'fish' is a treble clef, and the right 'fish' has two dots next to it representing a bass clef, which represent my love of music(which is kind of cliche cause I don't think I know anyone who doesn't love music, not everyone plays it though!). Music is so powerful. I thought maybe get it down the side of my arm from the shoulder to the bottom of my tricep pretty much. I was going to keep blogging but, maybe later. I'll catch up with you soon.

Case of the Mondays

Monday night. Tired.

I picked up a new set of speakers for my room. They're awesome so far. You know I definitely kind of wish I had a single right now, most of the time I dont really mind I guess, but sometimes I want it. Like right now I wish I could blast my music, I want to just jam out or relax to my music blasted though. But I feel like, what if he doesn't want it that loud and shit you know? Its annoying, and you know if I ask of course he'll say yes because we're both just like that too nice. I think about living by myself completely a lot. Getting one of those apartments down the street, studios, like 700 a month. Probably like 800 or more with utilities and cable and everything. But it would be nice, and then I could get a dog lol. I really want a dog. I realize thought that I wanted a dog more before when I was lonelier, im not qite as lonely now. Things are still going well for me.

I've been tallying up the girls that I know I could make my girl friend If I really wanted to. I'm at 2 lol but I think I may be approaching 3 based off of some new knowledge. I'm going to try to make this list grow, the more girls I have on there the more likely I find one that I will actually want to make my girl.

So I did really bad on my Management exam, but I did really well on my operations management exam. I'm still waiting on exams in a few classes and I have one more exam to take for my midterms to be done. I really love this CD, its the 'Once' soundtrack. Great great CD. Mesmerizing. Both musicians really bring a ridiculous rawness and emotion to each song that you don't find in so much music nowadays. So many bands use so much electronic modification and touching up and don't leave the realness of the song to be had(I enjoy this music too) but 'Once' lets it be and its awesome!

I made reservations for me and the old crew from my fav job ever to grab some dinner. Im pretty excited, we havn't all been together in who knows how long. Atleast since last january... Almost a year its crazy. I miss um, I miss it. It was my jam, the greatest life I had I feel like. Personal opinion. But who knows, I feel like I was somewhat unhappy then to, just in a different way. Being there was always great. Isnt that wierd, like being at a job was the best. But it wasn't really a job, it was like hanging out with you're friends, drinking, getting starbucks, gambling, laughing, god and I never really took it for granted either. Normally, when you have something good you take it for granted, but at that time I knew how great it was. I'm just in one of those moods right now.

I tried to cook tofu with corn starch, didn't work out too well, I think I'm going to look up a recipe and figure out a good one. I just burnt the garlic too much I feel like, and the tofu didn't take enough of the flavor. I really need to get some soy sauce or timari. I need ginger lol now that I'm looking at some reciepes and some bread crumbs will do me well also...and more oil. I'm hungry, but I did eat a full meal about 4 hours ago. Definitely a good full meal, and I just had a slice of cake...I'm a fatty. But I have resolved to go to the gym daily, I went yesterday and today and I'm going to keep up with it like I used to. I'm going to try to write a song of sorts.

Earnest Makes Run

A whole new name. I don't know exactly what made me choose this name, it doesn't really have an exact meaning but I will come up with one, it represents my initials.

Market Watch
I'm watching a CNBC right now, 'Fast Money'! Boy is shit going crazy right now. It worries me, but at the same time, I'm confident that we will be bouncing back fairly soon. It's surely not going to be quick, but over a few months I think we will see markets stabilize and bounce back. I began investing more money actually. My portfolio is down 33%, but I can't let that stop me, I see all of this as an opportunity, everything is so down! Its like buying anything else cheap, cars, food, clothes, except instead of just stocking up this will end up worth a lot more then I purchased it at within a year I believe. I'm betting that I will be back up in two months from today.

Life Watch
My life is now stabilizing and will soon up turn again. I had sex with a new girl this weekend. Slam. Slam is my new word. So thats pretty good, it only happens so often haha, and im knocking down that to do list. Hopefully I'll get another girl this weekend(maybe tonight) or I'll get another one by next weekend is my certain goal. I attempted to write a few blogs but I got distracted. I feel that my game is at an all time high right now, and I believe its on the rise. I'll draw a graph when I get on my computer and post it up here. Day by day I see how girls really just want to fuck. They want to hook up, just like dudes do. My roommate(a girl) said a week ago before going out, "Can I make out with someone tonight?!" of course she can. Why not? And you know what making out leads to. Food. No, no, sex, duh. So, I'm pretty much banking on that theory. I just signed up for Twitter, under this name Earnest Meets Run, look it up, 'follow' me. I think I'm going to start spreading my seed around to all these social networking sites. They really interest me. They're fun, I read how they have surpassed porn, and that they 'are' porn. I believe it, its self gratification I guess. So what, I like being gratified lol. I'll tell you I do this more often then I do HW. I should be reading for class that I have in 50 minutes right now...but I'm not. I'll still get a 3.5, I believe I will. I'll do it.

I looked back to my old blogs a while ago, they really are all about the same thing, in the back of the day it was about girls, and my job, now its about girls and my life. Which was my job ha. I loved that job. But I wanted to specifically note about a blog I wrote about a year ago titled, "Out of Mind" experience. I haven't had any out of mind experiences any more. I used to have them consistently and now I no longer have them. I'm curious of what that means, no longer really viewing my life in that way. Anyway, I'm outtie mctoutie. I'll write again soon, don't you worry.

A new outlook.

This weekend, Thursday - Sunday, was so awesome. Everything I could have hoped for it to be. But it did start off a bit bumpy.

I'm an idiot. My flight to Cancun, Mexico was scheduled to leave 9:35am on 9/24. So you could imagine my dismay when I arrived to the airport excited to get out to Cancun, and the lady at the front desk says that my flight left yesterday. I was going to shoot myself in the face. How could I not look at the date? I just assumed I was leaving with mostly everyone else and ridiculously I thought that the date did not matter. Lucky for me, for a small fee of 150USD I was on the 811 to Cancun leaving 9:35 on 9/25.

Besides that every thing ran smooth. Right when I got there I hoped in the hot tub with my homies, got drunk, met some people, and went out to the sickest club, Coco Bongo. It was off the chain. Next night, I went speed boating, ATVing, drinking, eating, clubbing, and did it again Saturday. I ended up hooking up with this girl from Puerto Vallarta( if thats how you spell it? too lazy to check). She was fuckin cute, I've never met a cute girl from mexico(well one), and this girl was way cuter. So I was happy. Open bar, VIP everywhere we went. It was just great.

Change of heart. Obviously after this, I am just loving the company. I paid about 300 for parking, and tips and things like that, scuba diving, but thats all, thats it. Company hooked it up. And my friends with the company are so awesome too that it makes me not want to leave them. This expeirence make me look back on my expereince, and I know that all the torture I went through really was worth it for everything I learned and everything I experienced. I would never have gotten to go to mexico like this, or scuba diving, or sky diving, or possibly to Utah to ski and snowboard(if I stay with the company a bit longer). And with the money I made I paid for that trip to Canada(I'm not sure if I blogged about that but maybe I will later) Thats a current debate in my head.

Stay? Is it worth it? My time? I think that staying a bit longer is worth it...

But is it?

I would get to go to Park City, Utah for free also. It would be awesome. So awesome. That company values working you're ass off now, and getting rewards later. It teaches you the importance of relationships, integrity, and balance. Unfortunately, a lot of my life during the internship with the company went against these values. I lost some important relationships by working too much, compromised my intergrity(because I was working too hard to push further), and did very little but work at the time(no balance). Now I am pretty much just laxing out so work then party now. Thats balanced I guess, I do see now more then ever the value of my intergrity, and the value of relationships. So maybe I had to compromise these things to truly learn their value.

How does one learn value? Maybe it is like they say, when you lose something, you learn its importance. I know for certain that I do not want to stay through the spring, maybe helping out here and there. Helping out with a visit with an intern, showing them the ropes, but not everyday all day, and not every intern. My problem is when I do something I have to go all the way. And unfortunately, when you go all the way with this internship its far because everyone is so awesome. So I push myself to the very brink, and I break. I cannot experience that again, not with this company atleast.

A new out look.

I kind of feel really good right now. I feel like I am hopefully on an up slope like I was about a year ago at this time. In Cancun I realized something about myself and about regrets. I am me. About 2 or 3 blogs ago I wrote that I wasn't exactly sure who I even was, that I was fake, and I realized that is false. I am me, this is me. I may take on personalities of other people sometimes while I'm around them a lot, but that happens to all people, and even with their attributes I still have a light of my own. People see my personality, and people enjoy it. I believe that. I realized it, while I was hanging out with my friends in Cancun and we were all hanging out and talking by the water and each of us had our very distinct personalities.

Even though at one point I may be quite, one point loud, one point funny, and one point mean, doesn't mean that all of that is not me, I am all of that. I can be all of that. I also realized that regrets are for losers. I will no longer regret any actions of my past or of my present. Why am I doing this? Why am I sitting here? I should be out? I shouldn't have done that, or left her, or eaten that. It's what happened and whats happening and it must be accepted, and only be used constructively to propel myself to the future.

I believe that I now want to do something with myself. I do want to begin to think about my future. I believe that I do want to own a restaurant/bar and I think that I will love it. And I know it will be hard, I have to brain storm ideas, and I'm sure that I will come up with something good.

Um, I think I'm done for today. Later.

Appreciation

I am trying to really appreciate all types of things lately. I know that is a bit broad but for example: Art, Music, Life, Family, Friends. These are a few things that I am beginning to try and appreciate a bit more. We'll see if anything really changes, lol. I never was really into museums or anything like that but lately I have been really wanting to visit some. There is one right here at school and I think I'm going to try and go this week it always seemed really cool there. I decided recently that I wanted to smoke some weed, so I think this week my roommate and I are going to get some. I keep feeling like If I smoke maybe my eyes will be kind of opened to appreciating these things in a different way. I definitely want to watch this movie I borrowed from my sister, I think it will be cool. I was never big into smoking so I hope its fun and enlightening when we do smoke because I feel like it never really has been all that great.

I went to NYC with a friend of mine on monday. We kind of just wondered around for a couple of hours haha and then finally went to brooklyn to visit some of our friends at their apartment. Really, they are not so much mine as they are his friends, but I definitely had a good time and maybe I can consider them my friends as well now. Maybe, maybe not. Its kind of weird, like those kids went to highschool with me, and seeing them for the first time in 2 or 3 years didn't like bring back memories rushing back or anything, I didnt feel like it had been so long since highschool, but in reality it has been. Life is new now.

The lifestyle of those kids in the city is great. It's like freshmen year plus sex. I loved the newness and random drunken nights of my freshmen year. And I want to recreate that. I want to recreate that with more sex lol.

I had a pretty odd and cool dream last night. Two actually I guess that I remember. In one, I was in a kitchen, in my house or someone familiars house, and the girl I'v been hooking up with was there as well as some other girl who I can't remember, both asian. And I had been hooking up with her as well in the dream atleast. And then the second one kind of discretely because my ex girl friend and I didn't really notice the change. So my ex who I havnt spoken too for at least 4 years now was trying to play the dominant roll over the other girl and attempting to be possessive over me and to not piss her off, I allowed it. So in the end, it was awkward and weird and I told her that we're broken up, but it was really good to see her and we should hang out soon and that I missed her and her parents.

I believe that this dream has something to do with the fact that I have recently been talking to my other ex and she hasn't gotten back to my last message yet, and that makes me feel kind of awkward. It also bring about my feelings I think about the new girl I'm hooking up with because I do kind of want someone to bring me back to my past in a way, in a way bring me back to how I used to feel about some girls, but with a new girl. Which brings me to my next dream.

I was waiting in line for a sandwich at a very popular deli(similar to the one I was at in NYC). A lot of people were there in line and I ordered my sandwich and payed for it, and everyone was getting theirs except for me. And I asked the guy what was going on, he told me that we ran out of what I wanted and that I need to pay him for another one. I couldn't believe it. I pretty much just refuted what he said told him I already payed him 10 for a 5 dollar sandwich(and I can't figure out why I did that in the first place) and that I'll just take a Sub with provolone and swiss cheese. There was a girl next to me witnessing this whole debacle and she wasn't cute at all, I'd rate her a 4 and she was very close to me and touching me, it was a close quarters deli so it wasn't awkward and I just put my arm around her and we laughed about what had happened. Then she turned around and again like in my last dream discretely changed into a much cuter girl and we continued talking and flirting. I was having an awesome time talking to her in line and when we got out I just asked her, "Hey you know if I could get you're number that'd be cool and I'll give you a call sometime." or something like that. And I've never asked a girl for her number like that before, but I obviously have the desire to. During this whole thing also my roommate was also in the deli and I was watching him the whole time because I wanted him to see me talking to this girl and then I wanted to flaunt that I got her number. I remember that pretty clearly.

This dream I interpret as initially my feeling that I am kind of always last in line really because I am just 'too nice.' But it also shows how I know that I can be and am confident in many situations and can do something like the most important thing to me, meet a nice new girl. For instance, the other day on the bus I was talking to this really cute girl who I had known for a while but never really talked to all that much, shes friends of friends and all that. Anyway, I made a point to keep the conversation going the entire ride back and we exchanged numbers. I haven't actually hit her up, but I feel like the ball in kind of in her court in this particular situation.

Maybe thats one of my problems though, I almost always place the ball in someone elses court. Expecting them to shoot it my way. I have to keep more in touch with people, and expect them to keep less in touch with me. Thats important.

Its funny how often I think, "I am the perfect person." I really think that so often. I think its true. But I still have flaws, I'm just the best that you're gonna get. Sorry other people.

Thinking

So I have really been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I have a really difficult decision to make and I feel like I am looking everywhere for an answer and I'm just not coming to a conclusion at all. This is probably the first blog I've written in a long time and will actually post. Sometimes I sign on, write a paragraph or two and don't post it, I'm not sure why. I think that just typing it all out is therapeutic enough without posting it on the world wide web.

How do I want the next year of my life to play out? And how will this next year effect the next and possibly others beyond. In the end, I want to just be happy, and successful. I want to succeed most at being happy. You know, this may be a classic case of the grass is always greener, but I think I need a serious companion. Whether it be a dog(which I really want), a new awesome friend, or best of all, a new girlfriend. It is undoubtedly time for a new girl I feel like. I think anyone that reads this blog is pretty sure about that also. But in the end I have to decide which way am I going to reach this. I have a world of options infront of me, and right now it seems like so few. Its one or the other, a life with choices, or a life dictated as it has been this past year. With the internship I just endured, at a first glance, it is an internship of great freedom. On the inside however, it is more of a prison. Mentally it is a prison. You are so consistently confined to the stresses and successes and good times and bad, but all of this, all of these feelings are in relation to one thing, to one item in life, to this one job or intership. Thats the life I led the past 8 months. I just don't know if I can live that life again. I feel so close to being free of that, to making choices again. Do I want to take the day off? Do I want to go to this party? Should I get another job or an internship? Picking the right thing for me is something I'll have a hard time doing. I recently took a short trip on my own to sort of soul search and just explore and take time off. And most of the time I had only one thing on my mind, and that was work. That is not the type of life I would like to lead. Its unfortunate that I cannot seperate myself from work the way I would want to, if I could, then this decision would not be so difficult.

With girls, I need to set more serious goals. Find one. Find two or three. Hang out with some girls I used to chill with, and chill with some new ones. I need to be confident enough to meet girls in situations that I normally would not. Thats important for sure.

Day 2:

This is a two day blog because I passed out while writing it. This morning I got a text from a girl trying to convince me to stick with this job. We'll talk later. Also, last night I got a call from a girl who is a good friend of mine. Probably one of the few people who I would consider a good friend, and oddly enough, we're probably not even that great of friends, but we can always be open with each other about things, and thats something important to me. I am not very open with a lot of people, but I think that when people really begin to open up to me I am willing to open up with them. I was watching a show, and I really related to one of the people yesterday. Its a reality show of course.

'I have 150 acquaintances'

Thats pretty much my life exactly. What keeps me from getting close to people? Something funny is that people immediately take a liking to me for some reason. I wont do anything special but people begin to trust and like me within a short period of time. I really do not know what it is. But that trait is what gets me 150 acquaintances. Not 150 friends, or 150 best friends. Not even 5 people that I feel I can really depend on to be there for me, and that I think I can tell anything, or really see myself being life long friends with. Honestly, however, my friends from back home are certainly a step above my friends from school. Thats pretty weird right? All the people from my home town really remained good friends with their original group. Kind of strange. People always say you'll never talk to people from highschool again. And fortunately for me, I do. Maybe people from New Jersey are not the type of people for me. I doubt it, lol. People everywhere are pretty similar. Anyway, im getting distracted so I'm gonna go. Later babes.

Life Update

Word, Im at the library. Supposed to be studying but I thought I would take a quick blog break. I have been enjoying finals time lol. I feel like I have more free time to just relax, relax and study. I finished up at the restaurant, and last week I made it to number 1 intern in Jersey so I'm feelin pretty good about that. I have been enjoying just studying by myself and getting it done, no other people or distractions. My roommates have been annoying me worse then ever of course. I mean its all psycological, in my head I say their annoying and then everything they do gets on my nerves. Really Im just angry about the whole situation and I cant wait to get out of it. Moving is going to be nice, and now I am getting a bit nervous about that lol. But it should be fun I think. I gotta get to the gym lol. I have missed alot cause I was sick. But I gotta get out there before I move, I mean we're living with three hot ass girls, I gotta be lookin fly.
I am pumped to get over there tho. I'm pumped for tuesday when finals are over and school is done! Then Im just going big time internship on the ASAP. Its gonna be serious. I'm like a scavenger, watching out for like every girl. I have been thinking a lot about my ex. It sucks. I just want a girl like that. Whatever. I think I'll probably pull a 3.0 or 3.2(Im in the midst of adding labels and I ended up with a 3.5) this semester which I'm pretty damn happy with after working so much thats not fuckin bad dude. I do like being me. It's not bad. I just gotta get some chillin time in. Get away from the negativity of my house and get back to my roots. Chill with the homies. Find a good girl to settle down with. Hopefully something creeps up this summer. I'm excited to go see my dad this weekend. I'm taking off a bit early to go get some dinner with him in the city with my sisters. Thats the word.
I dont know I thought I had some more thoughts to go over but I really dont have that much. Maybe later I will. I always have the same thoughts anyway. You can read last weeks blog and itll be the same lol. I just need to periodically flush um out. Cool dude. Back to work. Later babe.

I can't wait to get out dude

Seriously, I cannot wait to move. And honestly, after the summer I just feel like transferring, this environment is really draining for me now. Life has been just been hard lately. You know I've got class, work, and the internship and its freakin busy as hell. I am currently one of the top interns in the nation though, so that feels good. Its starting to pay off. I can't wait for school to end. I don't think I really did all that well this semester. We'll see how it ends up. I'm gonna be getting a grade back on a paper today, that'll have a pretty serious impact on my grade. I'm a slacker this semester. The summer is going to be very stressful, but hopefully fun. I set a dollar goal for myself, and if I do that much in sales I will have made about 30,000 by the end of the summer. So thats not too bad for a college kid.
I had a dream last night which fuckin sucked. It was with the girl that I have been thinking a lot about lately, and she came up to me and my friend and starts talking to her and she invites my friend to go to this show or something that she's in and doesnt invite me to go. Everyone of my friends but me was really invited. And its pretty much just a reflection of reality. About 2 or 3 weeks ago I get home from work and my friends are heading out and they're like, 'are you coming', and I didnt know where, and they were heading to this girls house for a party that she said nothing to me about. Me and this girl used to be mad tight, me and my friends used to be mad tight, shit just got wack over this year. I don't really know how to fix it all you know? I mean I can see how I pretty much created this environment for myself by working so much. But you know I'm at the point where I have to work, and now I just can't get out of a lot of my obligations. Its not my fault that these kids are fuckin lazy, and privileged, and don't work a fuckin day, sit around and can still afford to smoke weed, with their parents money. Its ridiculous. Life man. What can I do. I have a lot to think about. I just know this last month in the house may just be miserable. Atleast the next 2 weeks during finals, if they move back home then shit will be good. Hopefully they do.

Tell me im only dreaming, tell me hes just sleeping

Another one of those days I guess. Can't really get enough of them. I'm trying to type and listen to music at the same time and its not working to well lol. So, I woke up as usual, ate way to much for breakfast, had a bad first half of my work out and a good last half. Went to the library, pretty good library time. I got to thinking about a lot of stuff at the library. Really brought back some old memories of mine, with some strong feelings, really weird. I was thinking about this girl that I was in love with, and I can't tell anymore if I am, but it doesn't matter cause thats not going anywhere anytime. But what matters is how I felt at the peak of my feelings, so much confusion, it was so crazy and they just come rushing back very suddenly and then also very dull, like I know intense the feelings were at the time so I feel it but its just an image of feelings. But, its just crazy thinking of that again, I barely talk to that girl anymore, it really sucks. It sucks how every things changed. The only stable good thing in my life is my work relationships, and my sister. I love the people I work with and I love my sister. Shes always there for me, I had to go spend time with her tonight. My roommates have really just completely lost themselves I feel like. I mean maybe its me but how can I tell? They want to move, they want me to move with them, but I don't want to. I have friends in this house, we would be ditching 4 of our friends, just to move two blocks away, and for what? I personally have nothing to gain by moving, moving is only going to have me lose my dignity as far as I can tell. Ditching friends of mine, fuck that. They say, "its too dirty here," "we'll get more girls if were in a frat." Wow, the two lamest things I think I maybe have ever heard. Maybe I'm just not up on that whole deal. Maybe smoking weed and being in a frat are two really cool things to do. I would join a frat, but to get away from idiots like my friends, not to get girls. Maybe I would get more girls, but thats really a plus. I can get girls now. God damn.
I really am so glad to have my sister. It's the best thing for me right now to have her, family is really great in the end. I don't care if im not so close with my other relatives, my immediate family is really great. Im so glad to have them. I can talk to my mom and my sisters when I need. Its nice. My older sister is smart, and she can give good advice if she is feeling level headed. Who knows when shes level headed though haha. She's pretty sick right now, still there for me though, and I am there if she needs me. Its good. And her roommate is real great too. I hope that my sister doesn't go to grad school in California, I sometimes think I want her to go there so that I can visit her, but fuck that also, I can go there myself, she doesn't need to live there. Her and I will always be best friends.
Life is really such a weird thing for me. I never know really whats going to happen next, very unpredictable life. Last year I would have predicted this year to be better then last, and last year was great. Too bad. This is like a 80% worse year then last year. I have my guitar, I was really inspired to play today, I played so well. I love days like that. Its like I am a god on guitar on days like today, I feel like no one can do better then me on guitar. I think I should be famous or something haha, Its so great. I also think about how one of my roommates who's being a dick can't touch me on guitar, he thinks he can, but he ain't got it. Sorry bro.
I'm glad that I'm talking to this girl right now. She's not the best girl in the world, but shes smart, cute, and interesting. Enough for me to allot some of my time to her. Life is a little easier with someone to hook up with from time to time, it can also be more complicated. I'm bad at deciding when its right to take it to the next level. Whatever, I don't really care, I think its next level time though. I like the next level, its a bit more fun.
I love blogs because on a day like today, I can really just get my thoughts out. Oh life. I have probably said that like 30 times throughout my blogs. Interest in this blog has diminished, I'm going to go to bed. Later blog.

Out of Mind Experience

Out of mind

So lately I have been having these out of body experiences. Really, they're more of out of mind experiences. Ill explain. I am not actually viewing my body from out side(watching myself walk or anything), I am really just watching my mind from another mind, another perspective. This other mind is ignorant to the life I lead, it knows not of my anxieties and experiences like my true mind, it only observes and comments. For example, it will take a look at my life and think out interesting it is to lead that life, how odd and useless life really is. I love this state that I have been occasionally entering into. It only happens for really a few seconds at a time, but that mind is so carefree, its truly easy going and its so simple. It feels nice.
My true state of mind, is filled with questions, anxiety, fear, schedules, thoughts and everything a normal state of mind should be I guess. Life has been different lately, or this semester. I guess you should know that I am a sophmore in college living with 7 of my good friends. First semester of college was so new and exciting. Meeting new people, working hard to get good grades, and partying on the weekends. Everyone was so new and nice and interesting. I got to know so many cool people and we just had a great time together. Second semester was a bit harder. I was bored more often, not too many new people to meet, still loved the old ones, but there may have been some more bumps along the road, no more girl friend, and not much girl around at all. Sucks. But my friends were still there for me and real great. Got a job though to keep my mind off of things, worked a lot, and now Im just working more. Been in love with the same girl, can't tell if I really even like her anymore, don't even really speak with her too often but shes definitely the only girl I have been interested in for over a year now. So now I guess back to the present.
I work 5 days a week at a restaurant and 2 days a week at a work study job. I love work, or at least I guess psychologically I may have had to convince myself that I do since I'm always working. The people I work with are great, makes me really attached to this place, even thought somewhere else I can probably make a lot more money. Well see what happens with that. We're all just always laughing and we go through it all together, thats what so great about work, and my sister works with me, that makes it nice also. I would say that the only person I can be honest with is my sister, I can probably tell her everything, she surely knows more then anyone else about my life. Thats my problem. I need someone else, a best friend, a girl friend, someone I can really be myself, trust and confide in. Its hard. Hm. I have a few good friends but we're growing apart, thats what makes this semester harder and different from the other two. Instead of getting closer were drifting. Its just that lately, our interests, morals, and focuses have changes. We're all looking for the attention of girls, but I'm not looking for a slut, or a girl with a boy friend, my friends morals and interests are different, they're convinced joining a frat would increase their chance of getting girls, I'm convinced joining a frat may make me some better friends. I'm not in search of a girl thats interested in a guy cause he's in a frat, I don't think at least.
I'm always questioning things like that. Maybe I do want a slut, or maybe I need a slut. Maybe I'm just worried that I can't even get with a slut and that scares me, but really I know that I can lol, I'm a good looking guy, and so are both of my main friends I just talked about, we can get girls with out fraternities or they being overly promiscuous. All these things are why I enjoy these out of mind experiences. No worries with that mind, it makes me feel so amazingly care free. Its weird to talk about, or I guess type about. Who knows what I want. Theres so much that no one knows about me, that I dont really share with people, I have never told anyone about most of this. My sister knows about some of it.
The one real absolute love of my life is my guitar. I'm so in love with it. It has a broken string right now which is just the worst thing, but soon well be reunited, lol. I really do just love it though; playing guitar makes me feel so carefree also. Brings back great memories, lets me get my feelings out better then typing them out on blogspot ever could. I know that this blog is pretty broad in topics, long and dragging probably, but I dont care cause its really just for me. I just need to get all of these things out of my mind, maybe one day ill get a more care free mind back, I think soon I will actually. Ill let you know when. I have not always been an anxious and stressed person. Stress works well for me however, I am making money, doing really well in school, and I do still sometimes meet new people, hopefully one of these girls may be someone I can really experience fully.
Its quite ridiculous how the time is flying right now as I type, its already 3:09 and I should be sleeping 2 hours ago but I couldn't fall asleep. It could be the coffee I drank earlier. I need to cut off caffeine. Alright, well honestly, I think Ill end it here until next time. If anyone does read this please go ahead and comment or whatever, I think you can comment haha, I don't really know how this works. I'll be posting again soon I hope.