Heavens where you go when you die

It was such an intense weekend.



I know I've said this before, but it was like so much happened and so little happened all at the same time. My weekend was encompassed in about 36 hours with a good friend of mine. We left New Brunswick Friday afternoon and got back Midnight the next day. I feel like I learned a lot about the people from back home. The great thing about life is always learning. The great thing about being young is always learning, and being eager to continue learning. And the great thing about life is that learning is not rooted in the classroom, its rooted in living. Its rooted in other people, and in experience.

I love knowing about the intimate details of peoples lives. I think that's why I love listening. When someone wants to tell me something, I love to hear it, I want to know what others don't. Almost selfishly. I spent time with friends from home this weekend that I do not always spend too much time with, but spending time with them is great. And spending time with them is new, and that's probably what makes it great. I'm happy to be getting back home and seeing familiar faces. This band is really helping me to do that.

With the band I keep thinking about what if we did get signed? The only reason I think that is because the only reason I wasn't in the band earlier is because I said I do not want to be that serious, if we get signed I would want to stay in school and all that. But, continuing to work with the band, makes me feel differently. I'll keep you updated on this feeling, but right now I think I would be interested in leaving school if we got signed. Not that we would make it huge, but we could do a fun little tour, and sell some music, and live music, and that could be fun. School will always wait for me, but I shouldn't sit back while opportunities and adventures fly by me like seasons.

Fall brings by a lot of interesting weather. Leaves die and fall off of trees, cracking, and crunching when people walk over them like tortilla chips. Tree's now bare, wait for the snow like children. For me, its only a pre-courser to the Winter, an even more treacherous season. I like to bundle up in bed, and I hate bundling up outside. Which makes Winter probably my least productive season. Probably everyone's least productive season.

I wanted to quickly touch on a subject which everyone has thought about or talked about or heard about. When we finally arrived at the bagel place this weekend after noon we discussed what its like to recognize flaws in you're parents. Is it recognizing flaws that makes them become real? Or is it become real that makes us recognize the realness of our parents?

I'll rephrase. When we get old enough to realize our parents are flawed, does that finally allow us to recognize that our parents are people too? Or is it our age in itself, because now we are real people(assuming that young age is essentially only growing until we become our true selves), we are able to correlate our lives with that of parents more easily, and in essence relate to their true emotions.

I don't exactly remember when I realized that my parents where two people. I do however now know that they are two people, two extremely different, unique, imperfect, and however great people.

My mom, she is extremely kind heart-ed, and accepting. I sometimes believe my mom is naive, and she is certainly dependent on others. Luckily, she has been able to adapt to being alone. She is a survivor, and a hard worker, a bit of a complainer, and she enjoys being creative. Small things can trigger excitement for my mom, and small things can also trigger her to become extremely nervous. Family for my mom is a weird place, because she is not accepted there. She is a loner in many ways, however, she finds friends to supplement the problems in her family relations. She is lucky to have her parents who appreciate her, and she is lucky to have me right now. In the future I know that she will be lucky to have my sisters as well. They just have some growing up to do. I think that for the two of them, recognizing my mom as a flawed person, and recognizing themselves as flawed people will help them accept her.

My dad is a free spirit. He thrives on his independence, but in his heart he needs to be embraced. Searching for himself will be the goal until he passes, because the search will never end. Its not a matter of maturity, or growing up, for my dad its a matter of purpose. What is his purpose? When my parents got divorced he lost a lot. Namely, he lost his children. We are still there for him, and keep in communication, but when you don't see someone everyday, or rely on them for money and food, the connection slowly fades. My dad will always be a spiritual person, much like me, he is a lover of learning. Unlike me, he is also very much a reader. He is not one to plan, he is a lover of travel, and he will always wait until the last minute. My dad will also stretch the truth even when it is completely unnecessary, however, diluted by his imagination, he believes much of it to be the truth. My dad has a gigantic heart, and will always help a friend in need, he is a great person, and I can only hope that his search is finite, however unlikely that may be.

I know that recognizing my parents as people allows me to treat them accordingly, and it allows me the privilege of relating to them on a different level. On a very genuine and honest level.

I decided that the tattoo I drew I am going to get. Hopefully this week but maybe next, I want to wait until I get better because I am currently sick. I'm going to get to bed now, I'll leave you with this awesome song by 'The Spill Canvas' enjoy:

Daily Dose

Its been a wild and crazy day. Ha, not really. I pretty much woke up late, went to class, library, chilled, gym, home. And here I am.

Here I am. So, I am keenly aware that every time I spot a girl, I immediately decide if I would fuck her or not. Under one second and my decision is made. I also realized that they type of girl I am most attracted to is probably in the 8 range. Not a 10. Why is this? My theory is that by basic psychological theory you are automatically attracted to someone at you're level, and you subconsciously know essentially what the best you can do is.

Ex. Fat people with fat people, pretty people with pretty people.

It is a rare occasion that we see fat people with pretty people. I know, it sounds mean. In general just calling someone a fat person is mean, but this is strictly unspecific so we're gonna let it slide. I guess I would consider myself an 8 then. Puts things in perspective.

I just ignored an IM from someone. I ignore IM's, calls, texts. I'm kind of douchebag(I know its two words but I prefer it as one). Look at me, striving to hit my goals. If being friends with someone doesn't really prove to be beneficial, I just ignore them. If being friends with someone proves to be beneficial, I'll embrace them. Sometimes I choose to embrace those who I ignore most of the time, out of convinence and need.

My relaxed life is great. My roommate is awesome, we both live a very lax life.

( Confession: All day I think of things in rhymes, like I'm a rapper or something, its wierd. Like im outty like mctouty. That doesnt even make sence. Just now when I wrote lax, in my head I thought lax like ajax. I mean, why? lol. I'm sure I'll stop doing that soon, I really only started thinking that recently. I'm also trying to think of a new catch phrase or word to begin using so thats partially the reason. I often create new phrases and words and people like it, so I keep doing it, but I have to continually update my vocabulary. )

My new profile picture is kind of creepy ha. Its a compilation of picture of myself mashed together and edited in paint. So, now you kind of know what I look like. I'm leaving for Mexico on Thursday and I'm so fuckin excited. It's gonna be so much fun. I hope it will be atleast. I read a book once about how we always overestimate how happy something is going to make us, and I am constantly trying to save myself from overestimating by resestimating. I am excited though. Hopefully I'll just be drinking all the time.

I told myself you know I'm not going to care about my health and this and that, maybe I'll start smoking, drinking all the time. But, unfortunately, I'm too cautious of a person. I can't bring myself to smoke all the time and shit. I have asthma and I know my risk for lung cancer is already increased by 50 percent automatically. Which is a staggering number. And I probably already smoke cigars once or twice a weekend. That's probably enough to increase my chances. I want to be a bad ass, and I'm just not. I wish being me was the coolest thing I could do.



Its funny how much things change from when we're little. Everything is nothing back then. That's my best friend and I when we were little. We'll he's not my best friend anymore, haven't spoken to him in atleast 9 years I'd say. When you're little, the difference between, right and wrong, bad and good, left and right, its so irrelevant, you're just innocent. I was walking to class, and a little girl out of a house delightfully bellowed, "Hola!" It made me feel so bright. I mean that girl said hi to me without knowing me, without even seeing my face, I was walking passed her 10 ft away, and of course I awkwardly replied, "Hola." She got so much pleasure from such a simple interaction, and she doesn't have a clue that screaming to strangers is probably not the smartest idea. But it definitely brightend my day. I walk down the street and I'll be standing next to someone, I'll be on the bus, smushed up next to someone, and neither of us will even recognize the exisitance of the other. We attempt to ignore eachother because thats easier, thats easier then getting to know eachother, its easier then communicating, its easier then a potential and likely awkward silence, its easier then judgment, its easier to enjoy the distant chatter, self provocing thoughts, and a 5 minute ride down 18 we've all enjoyed more then a few times.

Alright, we'll that'll be the thoughts for today. Thanks for hollarin!

Hangin with mr. cooper

Sunday night.

The weekend came and went like piping hot cakes. Tomorrow I have to get myself out of bed and down to college ave by 8:20. And earlier if I want to get some breakfast. Life has been easy. It's been simple. I feel like it has been at least.

I really just get up, go to class, try and pay attention, and go back home. Sit here, and think.

I go to the library for fun, for exhilaration, to hopefully knock into someone I haven't seen in a while and talk. I go to the library to blog and drink coffee.

I have a new attitude. I don't remember if blogged about this yet, I probably did, but my new goal of this year is to be a douchebag. I really want people to think that I'm 'not that nice.' That's the goal, if I can reach it is another story. I do enjoy myself, I also hate myself.

Today I found out the my sister now has a boy friend. My older one. This is her first boyfriend in all 22 years of her life. That's pretty serious. I think its a big deal, but she's not trying to make a big deal out of it. He's a pretty nice guy it seems like. Hopefully it works out so I dont have to kick his ass. I'm thinking about subtly revealing my identity soon. I'm sure if anyone that knew me read this blog they would know who it was, but whats the purpose of hiding?

Why do I hide?

I can't really say, its got to be a part of my past that doesn't allow myself to open up to people. My true personality is unknown to even myself. I'm a Pisces. Pisces have the tendency to take on others identity's without trying. I often find myself acting like people that I spend a lot of time around, even a few hours in a car with someone and I will absorb their personality. Who knows. Maybe mt personality is real. Maybe its my own but I just have a hard time clicking with people for all types of reasons. It's partially because of my middle years of insecurity. Made me insecure for a while, and it carries on I can't really get out of it. I'm going to read and get my chinese food. I'll see you when I bleed you.

Appreciation

I am trying to really appreciate all types of things lately. I know that is a bit broad but for example: Art, Music, Life, Family, Friends. These are a few things that I am beginning to try and appreciate a bit more. We'll see if anything really changes, lol. I never was really into museums or anything like that but lately I have been really wanting to visit some. There is one right here at school and I think I'm going to try and go this week it always seemed really cool there. I decided recently that I wanted to smoke some weed, so I think this week my roommate and I are going to get some. I keep feeling like If I smoke maybe my eyes will be kind of opened to appreciating these things in a different way. I definitely want to watch this movie I borrowed from my sister, I think it will be cool. I was never big into smoking so I hope its fun and enlightening when we do smoke because I feel like it never really has been all that great.

I went to NYC with a friend of mine on monday. We kind of just wondered around for a couple of hours haha and then finally went to brooklyn to visit some of our friends at their apartment. Really, they are not so much mine as they are his friends, but I definitely had a good time and maybe I can consider them my friends as well now. Maybe, maybe not. Its kind of weird, like those kids went to highschool with me, and seeing them for the first time in 2 or 3 years didn't like bring back memories rushing back or anything, I didnt feel like it had been so long since highschool, but in reality it has been. Life is new now.

The lifestyle of those kids in the city is great. It's like freshmen year plus sex. I loved the newness and random drunken nights of my freshmen year. And I want to recreate that. I want to recreate that with more sex lol.

I had a pretty odd and cool dream last night. Two actually I guess that I remember. In one, I was in a kitchen, in my house or someone familiars house, and the girl I'v been hooking up with was there as well as some other girl who I can't remember, both asian. And I had been hooking up with her as well in the dream atleast. And then the second one kind of discretely because my ex girl friend and I didn't really notice the change. So my ex who I havnt spoken too for at least 4 years now was trying to play the dominant roll over the other girl and attempting to be possessive over me and to not piss her off, I allowed it. So in the end, it was awkward and weird and I told her that we're broken up, but it was really good to see her and we should hang out soon and that I missed her and her parents.

I believe that this dream has something to do with the fact that I have recently been talking to my other ex and she hasn't gotten back to my last message yet, and that makes me feel kind of awkward. It also bring about my feelings I think about the new girl I'm hooking up with because I do kind of want someone to bring me back to my past in a way, in a way bring me back to how I used to feel about some girls, but with a new girl. Which brings me to my next dream.

I was waiting in line for a sandwich at a very popular deli(similar to the one I was at in NYC). A lot of people were there in line and I ordered my sandwich and payed for it, and everyone was getting theirs except for me. And I asked the guy what was going on, he told me that we ran out of what I wanted and that I need to pay him for another one. I couldn't believe it. I pretty much just refuted what he said told him I already payed him 10 for a 5 dollar sandwich(and I can't figure out why I did that in the first place) and that I'll just take a Sub with provolone and swiss cheese. There was a girl next to me witnessing this whole debacle and she wasn't cute at all, I'd rate her a 4 and she was very close to me and touching me, it was a close quarters deli so it wasn't awkward and I just put my arm around her and we laughed about what had happened. Then she turned around and again like in my last dream discretely changed into a much cuter girl and we continued talking and flirting. I was having an awesome time talking to her in line and when we got out I just asked her, "Hey you know if I could get you're number that'd be cool and I'll give you a call sometime." or something like that. And I've never asked a girl for her number like that before, but I obviously have the desire to. During this whole thing also my roommate was also in the deli and I was watching him the whole time because I wanted him to see me talking to this girl and then I wanted to flaunt that I got her number. I remember that pretty clearly.

This dream I interpret as initially my feeling that I am kind of always last in line really because I am just 'too nice.' But it also shows how I know that I can be and am confident in many situations and can do something like the most important thing to me, meet a nice new girl. For instance, the other day on the bus I was talking to this really cute girl who I had known for a while but never really talked to all that much, shes friends of friends and all that. Anyway, I made a point to keep the conversation going the entire ride back and we exchanged numbers. I haven't actually hit her up, but I feel like the ball in kind of in her court in this particular situation.

Maybe thats one of my problems though, I almost always place the ball in someone elses court. Expecting them to shoot it my way. I have to keep more in touch with people, and expect them to keep less in touch with me. Thats important.

Its funny how often I think, "I am the perfect person." I really think that so often. I think its true. But I still have flaws, I'm just the best that you're gonna get. Sorry other people.

Rememberance

What is the importance of remembering a tragedy?

Today is 9/11/08 so its been 7 years since the September 11th attacks. Why do people feel the need to remember? Especially those with no real connection to anyone lost. And I don't mean specifically this event, in general. You will see in peoples profiles, with wrist bands they wear, and etc. peoples need to show that they have not forgotten. Why is that something we feel is necessary?

I have never really lost someone to close to me, so that may be likely why I do not really see the need for this ritual. I always think that its probably better not to dwell on the past. I mean maybe thinking about it, and 'not forgetting', once a year is not so much dwelling, and more of a respectful action. However, I think that keeping in ones profile, like Danny Velloinzid 1987-2007 never forget. Or something like that is a bit on the dwelling side. What makes someone feel that writing that is a good idea. Its like reliving the tragedy over and over every time you're online. And forcing others to relive it.

Forgetting I really do not see as a negative. Its very different from sort of rejecting it or unhealthily pretending it never happened because its painful. Forgetting, in a way really just letting it slip into the backburner of you're mind is a way of allowing you're self to move on and bring new light into you're life. Remembrance is a negative thing in a way. Moving forward is a positive.

Alright so now back to me for a minute here.

So its game day here. And I realize of course its not exactly a development, but it does kind of sink in a bit more legitimately over time. I really don't have any friends and it definitely sucks a bit id say. I mean its game day, and I didn't get a text from anyone, or a call, or a facebook message, or anything about going to the game, drinking, tailgating, nothing and it definitely sucks. I mean, i just really don't have anyone who thinks that I'm fun enough I guess to contact. And you know, I'm not the type of person, and I dont feel that comfortable trying be more proactive and texting or calling people to attempt to invite myself along with them. I really feel like a douchbag right now. What did I get myself into? I am definitely lame. I will probably go to the game, drink, like I'm drinking now, and if I dont really meet friends there, besides the one I'm going with, then I will probably come back home and watch some tv, and go to bed. I just dont connect with people on a level beyond level one. Which is acquaintances, and I mentioned two or three blogs ago. I have about 2 friends that ever text or call me to hang out if I dont contact them first. And I do love those friends. I definitely do. I don't take it for granted. But I also think that our relationships, as much as I appreciate it, and I am sure they do as well. They also have other friends that I think are as close or closer the them and vice versa, then we are close.

I know that I complain a lot. But Its really just complaining to myself. I don't really complain to others, I kind of put on a persona. But It isnt exactly a persona, its really me. I'm just a bit depressed right now because I'm drinking and alone(well with my roommate). But I am generally happy. But I think that when I'm happy I am in a kind of imagining that everything is alright. But really its not. Anyway. I'm gonna go now. I'll have to catch up with you later.

Livin La vida Loca

I was sitting here, opened up to the blog page and then the title just came to me. Livin La Vida Loca, haha I don't know why. And then it made me think of the Thong Song by sisco, and now I'm watching the video which is a good deal. You know, its kinda weird how google owns everything. They own this website, they own YouTube, they own google lol.

Hmm, it's been a lazy ass day, just lazed the hell around. Did nothing, didnt go out to any parties tonight. I drank thursday and friday so that was enough I guess. Thursday holy crap, I drank this old ass liquor I had sitting around and ended up tossing up in the morning 3 times haha. I had to leave class and I didnt even make it to the bathroom lol. What a day that was, and then I was drinking by 8 oclock again lol. Thats whats good. I have also been really trying to push myself to flirt with girls better/ more naturally is probably a better description. And I've been doing pretty well, holding good conversations and not really leaving room for friendship trying to keep more a dominant roll in the conversation which I think has been good. I'm determined to get better at closing the deal by the end of this semester, hopefully by the end of the month, I just need to keep meeting new people.

Meeting new people, not even just girls, mostly though, is going to be the theme of this year. I want to broaden my social horizons. I need a type of action plan to do this, but I am positive that I can pull it off and meet a lot of new homies. Make mad homies, that is the plan. Bring some love into my life. Today I just lazed around with my roommate and watched like 50 movies haha, that not exactly meeting new people but it was pouring rain out, and actually, I met two new girls this morning and did awesome with keeping the conversation going and I think I put myself in a sort of good place in their minds. Success.

I need a life. I need a girl. I need to keep up my grades and motivate myself. I need to practice more guitar. I need a new toy. I need to sleep better. I need to be more comfortable with myself. I need to leave each day with no regrets, and progress with each day. I have to eat healthier. I have to go to the gym. I have to keep writing this blog.

I would like to buy myself either a new guitar, or something flashy like a nice big new tv. I do spend a lot of money, and I have to stop. But I have all this money coming to me now and I love buying new things haha, its a problem. I'm like a girl. I can't wait to pass out tonight, I think I'm going to take that melatonin and see how it works. I really love my bed, thats a plus right? Life has been pretty good lately, I feel really good about my decision to take some time off. I have been working nonstop since second semester freshmen year, and now its first semester junior year, I'll make sure to get a job before I turn 21 so that I just dont drain my bank account on alcohol.

Anyway, also, my ex girl friend messaged me on facebook. Which I thought was pretty damn cool. I'm sure she is just thinking about me and trying to see how I am doing, I know that there is no sort of romantic premise to the message but it was nice to hear from her regardless. We all know that I miss her and feel that the break up was mostlikely a mistake, but really, it was something that had to happen. I grew because of my time alone, and I did a lot of things I would not have done had we been together. Thats something that I never really realized before now. One great reason to write about you're feelings is that you open up areas of you're life and come to realizations like that, that normally you never would think of. Its pretty cool really. I told her we should hang out, and I really do want to, I think we can be good friends like we used to without and romantic involvement. And I think we should try to be friends like that, I am definitely mature enough and ready to hear about her boy friend or whoever and feel genuine happiness for her. Thats something I know in the past I was incapable of.

Damn my chest is so fuckin sore, I dont remember the last time I was this sore. I worked out hardcore at the gym like wednesday and today its fuckin hittin me, actually maybe thursday. I mean worked out both days, and today too but I did chest thursday. I'm trying to get myself back into the gym, back in shape. I'm gonna go because im getting tired. Goodnight.

Thinking

So I have really been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I have a really difficult decision to make and I feel like I am looking everywhere for an answer and I'm just not coming to a conclusion at all. This is probably the first blog I've written in a long time and will actually post. Sometimes I sign on, write a paragraph or two and don't post it, I'm not sure why. I think that just typing it all out is therapeutic enough without posting it on the world wide web.

How do I want the next year of my life to play out? And how will this next year effect the next and possibly others beyond. In the end, I want to just be happy, and successful. I want to succeed most at being happy. You know, this may be a classic case of the grass is always greener, but I think I need a serious companion. Whether it be a dog(which I really want), a new awesome friend, or best of all, a new girlfriend. It is undoubtedly time for a new girl I feel like. I think anyone that reads this blog is pretty sure about that also. But in the end I have to decide which way am I going to reach this. I have a world of options infront of me, and right now it seems like so few. Its one or the other, a life with choices, or a life dictated as it has been this past year. With the internship I just endured, at a first glance, it is an internship of great freedom. On the inside however, it is more of a prison. Mentally it is a prison. You are so consistently confined to the stresses and successes and good times and bad, but all of this, all of these feelings are in relation to one thing, to one item in life, to this one job or intership. Thats the life I led the past 8 months. I just don't know if I can live that life again. I feel so close to being free of that, to making choices again. Do I want to take the day off? Do I want to go to this party? Should I get another job or an internship? Picking the right thing for me is something I'll have a hard time doing. I recently took a short trip on my own to sort of soul search and just explore and take time off. And most of the time I had only one thing on my mind, and that was work. That is not the type of life I would like to lead. Its unfortunate that I cannot seperate myself from work the way I would want to, if I could, then this decision would not be so difficult.

With girls, I need to set more serious goals. Find one. Find two or three. Hang out with some girls I used to chill with, and chill with some new ones. I need to be confident enough to meet girls in situations that I normally would not. Thats important for sure.

Day 2:

This is a two day blog because I passed out while writing it. This morning I got a text from a girl trying to convince me to stick with this job. We'll talk later. Also, last night I got a call from a girl who is a good friend of mine. Probably one of the few people who I would consider a good friend, and oddly enough, we're probably not even that great of friends, but we can always be open with each other about things, and thats something important to me. I am not very open with a lot of people, but I think that when people really begin to open up to me I am willing to open up with them. I was watching a show, and I really related to one of the people yesterday. Its a reality show of course.

'I have 150 acquaintances'

Thats pretty much my life exactly. What keeps me from getting close to people? Something funny is that people immediately take a liking to me for some reason. I wont do anything special but people begin to trust and like me within a short period of time. I really do not know what it is. But that trait is what gets me 150 acquaintances. Not 150 friends, or 150 best friends. Not even 5 people that I feel I can really depend on to be there for me, and that I think I can tell anything, or really see myself being life long friends with. Honestly, however, my friends from back home are certainly a step above my friends from school. Thats pretty weird right? All the people from my home town really remained good friends with their original group. Kind of strange. People always say you'll never talk to people from highschool again. And fortunately for me, I do. Maybe people from New Jersey are not the type of people for me. I doubt it, lol. People everywhere are pretty similar. Anyway, im getting distracted so I'm gonna go. Later babes.

You know its wierd

Life is just wierd. My life is wierd., I fuckin messed up tonight at work, and last week at work was wierd, and I just feel like quiting. My roommates fuckin married to this chick and she's cool but it fuckin sucks that they are always around always. Sigh, who knows, how did my life turn out this way? Its surreal, its wierd, I feel like the characters on lost. How did they turn up there, how did I turn up here? Sorta wierd how I did get to this point, I remember what led me here. Its all got to do with money and a girl. Mostly a girl. I had to get away, and I did. Too far away. But I found something in the process,something I loved, and hated, and now I am just stuck in something that I regret. Somethere far from where I want to be. But I have to be. I hope I find my way out of this soon. I know this is all very ambiguous but for me it doesnt matter because I only really write this for me. I can read it and understand, if you read all of my blog you may be able to decifer this. Over time I have spoken much about this girl, and work, and life. How it all fits together. Not easy, and very hard, I do not know where I am going to go from here, you know? Where am I headed after this semester? For the summer? Probably not the beach with my college buddies like last year. Probably lots of work, and fun fun fridays with my coworkers and such. Wierd how you are already friends with people you work with, its so easy to be friends with them...and often times, all you can find to discusss, is work. Why is that such a solid base for a friend ship. I'm not really so sure. I lover writing these because they make me think really deeply about my position and i get dragged around through many aspects of my life, I think I might theme every blog from this week, we'll see. I am tired and going to sleep. Laaaaater.

I thought it was a good day

I was looking out of the crowded bus today, listening to music, and just looking through the trees at the sun. It was so beautiful out today and it really made for a good day. It made all of the walks between class and meetings and everything so pleasant. It enhances life quite a bit. I met with zack today, had a good meeting. Over viewed the weekend. I had a fairly successful weekend I would say. Booked a job, did 7 estimates, and we got 19 leads. My marketers do such a great job for me, but its hard to afford them. Working at daryl has not even covered the cost of marketers yet. Well, hopefully everything runs even better next week. Im pumped cause I have Zach coming out with me to 3 estimates this weekend. Its good to have him come out cause I guess it gives me an excuse to not book it. If hes there then I am not to blame for not booking the job. I just realized that thats the reason. But really even more importantly it give me a better chance at booking it I feel like. I mean he wants to book me a job bad since he didnt the first weekend so hopefully we book all 3 this weekend and I'll be so happy. I mean if we book one of 3 ill be pumped and then hopefully I can book atleast one more from next weekend,and one from last.

I have been thinking non stop about girls, honestly it haunts my thoughts. I just want a good girl. Someone to chill with. I would make room for her in my schedule and cut things out. I just want to have someone to connect with. Currently, I need that connection more then ever. I realized that I am back to junior year of high school.You know? I thought that I had never been in this type of position before, but I have. Junior year I had no solid friendships, plenty of friends but nothing super strong, I never really do anyway, but I also had no girl and pledged that the next girl that shows interest in me I'll date. And I did that, and it turned out great. I can't do that now though. I need a stong relationship. Someone I can really connect with and talk to, and have sex with of course. Hm, its interesting how everything works out. Here I am, 17 years old. I am just much more ambitious and driven then I was, I push myself to my limits instead of being bored. Its good, but I'm also ready for that vacation. Ready to hit europe. Get drunk. Smoke. Have fun, be a kid. I spotted some Wendy's cups and bags sitting down in the parking lot, and it just reminded me of when I was in HS going to Mcdonalds and taco bell and eating in the parking lot on a nice day. And just having aimless nights and days, who cares what we're doing now, cause we dont know where we're going after this. Once we had a hide and go seek game in our town! With cars, just for fun. It was such a good time, and a waste of time. I mean, I want to have more time for those wastes. Less for work. I'm gonna bounce cause my bat's dying. I'm gonna shower and get to bed. <3

No World For Tomorrow

I came to a realization. It's really just the way that I am programmed. When I meet people who I believe I may actually have a future with, people whom I envision, or can clearly see that we will spend time together in the near and distant future, I withdraw. Psychologically, my mind can tell that I am in a situation where my impression matters, where what I say, how I act, and who I am with, matters. And with that I worry, and I withdraw, I become shy, I cannot make comments and questions and be who I like to be, have the same level of confidence, intelligence, or charm. I do not often meet people who meet these requirements, people who matter right off of the bat, people who I can tell may impact my life. For instance, my family is one case, not my immediate, but only my more distant family...aunts, uncles, cousins, even grandparents. Only recently have I come more out of my shell with these people. And only for one reason, I have unconsciously realized how little they may impact my present and future. I can avoid them all I want, they do not often contact me exclusively, only my parents. I can really enjoy my time with them more easily because they do not have a necessarily long term or consistent effect on my life. Its interesting. I am certainly weird I feel like.

Its similar to the way I react to girl friends parents. When I meet parents of friends of mine I can charm them to no end, they always love me, mom's I would have to say especially, and I can get my personality out. I have a good time with them really. But once I am dating their girl, I get nervous making jokes, or comments, or anything, because they now may have a long term position in my life. And I may also have a position in theirs. It makes sense that I do not want to jeopardize my situation with them by screwing up with words, however, it doesnt make sense that the only people who actually matter, I can barely show my true colors to. I surely don't know my own self as well as I would like, but I would like the people who matter to see as much of my true personality as I can allow to come out for others. Its annoying. We'll. I think that may be all I really have to say for tonight.

I started this semester, and its hard already. Too much reading. What can I do? Also, I have been considering a few new career paths. I am becoming further and further immersed in the political field, in how it works, and who is involved, and why maybe I would like to be involved. I have considered becoming something in the field of law or politics. Maybe a lawyer or something in that field, maybe just a politician of sorts. I think I have the ability to stay honest and make good judgments even if I were involved in a field as dirty and corrupt as Law. Law may be one of the dirtiest and more corrupt fields to be in. But some good people have to be in it. And maybe I'll be one of them. Maybe not. We'll have to see. I've got time.

Out of Mind Experience

Out of mind

So lately I have been having these out of body experiences. Really, they're more of out of mind experiences. Ill explain. I am not actually viewing my body from out side(watching myself walk or anything), I am really just watching my mind from another mind, another perspective. This other mind is ignorant to the life I lead, it knows not of my anxieties and experiences like my true mind, it only observes and comments. For example, it will take a look at my life and think out interesting it is to lead that life, how odd and useless life really is. I love this state that I have been occasionally entering into. It only happens for really a few seconds at a time, but that mind is so carefree, its truly easy going and its so simple. It feels nice.
My true state of mind, is filled with questions, anxiety, fear, schedules, thoughts and everything a normal state of mind should be I guess. Life has been different lately, or this semester. I guess you should know that I am a sophmore in college living with 7 of my good friends. First semester of college was so new and exciting. Meeting new people, working hard to get good grades, and partying on the weekends. Everyone was so new and nice and interesting. I got to know so many cool people and we just had a great time together. Second semester was a bit harder. I was bored more often, not too many new people to meet, still loved the old ones, but there may have been some more bumps along the road, no more girl friend, and not much girl around at all. Sucks. But my friends were still there for me and real great. Got a job though to keep my mind off of things, worked a lot, and now Im just working more. Been in love with the same girl, can't tell if I really even like her anymore, don't even really speak with her too often but shes definitely the only girl I have been interested in for over a year now. So now I guess back to the present.
I work 5 days a week at a restaurant and 2 days a week at a work study job. I love work, or at least I guess psychologically I may have had to convince myself that I do since I'm always working. The people I work with are great, makes me really attached to this place, even thought somewhere else I can probably make a lot more money. Well see what happens with that. We're all just always laughing and we go through it all together, thats what so great about work, and my sister works with me, that makes it nice also. I would say that the only person I can be honest with is my sister, I can probably tell her everything, she surely knows more then anyone else about my life. Thats my problem. I need someone else, a best friend, a girl friend, someone I can really be myself, trust and confide in. Its hard. Hm. I have a few good friends but we're growing apart, thats what makes this semester harder and different from the other two. Instead of getting closer were drifting. Its just that lately, our interests, morals, and focuses have changes. We're all looking for the attention of girls, but I'm not looking for a slut, or a girl with a boy friend, my friends morals and interests are different, they're convinced joining a frat would increase their chance of getting girls, I'm convinced joining a frat may make me some better friends. I'm not in search of a girl thats interested in a guy cause he's in a frat, I don't think at least.
I'm always questioning things like that. Maybe I do want a slut, or maybe I need a slut. Maybe I'm just worried that I can't even get with a slut and that scares me, but really I know that I can lol, I'm a good looking guy, and so are both of my main friends I just talked about, we can get girls with out fraternities or they being overly promiscuous. All these things are why I enjoy these out of mind experiences. No worries with that mind, it makes me feel so amazingly care free. Its weird to talk about, or I guess type about. Who knows what I want. Theres so much that no one knows about me, that I dont really share with people, I have never told anyone about most of this. My sister knows about some of it.
The one real absolute love of my life is my guitar. I'm so in love with it. It has a broken string right now which is just the worst thing, but soon well be reunited, lol. I really do just love it though; playing guitar makes me feel so carefree also. Brings back great memories, lets me get my feelings out better then typing them out on blogspot ever could. I know that this blog is pretty broad in topics, long and dragging probably, but I dont care cause its really just for me. I just need to get all of these things out of my mind, maybe one day ill get a more care free mind back, I think soon I will actually. Ill let you know when. I have not always been an anxious and stressed person. Stress works well for me however, I am making money, doing really well in school, and I do still sometimes meet new people, hopefully one of these girls may be someone I can really experience fully.
Its quite ridiculous how the time is flying right now as I type, its already 3:09 and I should be sleeping 2 hours ago but I couldn't fall asleep. It could be the coffee I drank earlier. I need to cut off caffeine. Alright, well honestly, I think Ill end it here until next time. If anyone does read this please go ahead and comment or whatever, I think you can comment haha, I don't really know how this works. I'll be posting again soon I hope.