A new outlook.

This weekend, Thursday - Sunday, was so awesome. Everything I could have hoped for it to be. But it did start off a bit bumpy.

I'm an idiot. My flight to Cancun, Mexico was scheduled to leave 9:35am on 9/24. So you could imagine my dismay when I arrived to the airport excited to get out to Cancun, and the lady at the front desk says that my flight left yesterday. I was going to shoot myself in the face. How could I not look at the date? I just assumed I was leaving with mostly everyone else and ridiculously I thought that the date did not matter. Lucky for me, for a small fee of 150USD I was on the 811 to Cancun leaving 9:35 on 9/25.

Besides that every thing ran smooth. Right when I got there I hoped in the hot tub with my homies, got drunk, met some people, and went out to the sickest club, Coco Bongo. It was off the chain. Next night, I went speed boating, ATVing, drinking, eating, clubbing, and did it again Saturday. I ended up hooking up with this girl from Puerto Vallarta( if thats how you spell it? too lazy to check). She was fuckin cute, I've never met a cute girl from mexico(well one), and this girl was way cuter. So I was happy. Open bar, VIP everywhere we went. It was just great.

Change of heart. Obviously after this, I am just loving the company. I paid about 300 for parking, and tips and things like that, scuba diving, but thats all, thats it. Company hooked it up. And my friends with the company are so awesome too that it makes me not want to leave them. This expeirence make me look back on my expereince, and I know that all the torture I went through really was worth it for everything I learned and everything I experienced. I would never have gotten to go to mexico like this, or scuba diving, or sky diving, or possibly to Utah to ski and snowboard(if I stay with the company a bit longer). And with the money I made I paid for that trip to Canada(I'm not sure if I blogged about that but maybe I will later) Thats a current debate in my head.

Stay? Is it worth it? My time? I think that staying a bit longer is worth it...

But is it?

I would get to go to Park City, Utah for free also. It would be awesome. So awesome. That company values working you're ass off now, and getting rewards later. It teaches you the importance of relationships, integrity, and balance. Unfortunately, a lot of my life during the internship with the company went against these values. I lost some important relationships by working too much, compromised my intergrity(because I was working too hard to push further), and did very little but work at the time(no balance). Now I am pretty much just laxing out so work then party now. Thats balanced I guess, I do see now more then ever the value of my intergrity, and the value of relationships. So maybe I had to compromise these things to truly learn their value.

How does one learn value? Maybe it is like they say, when you lose something, you learn its importance. I know for certain that I do not want to stay through the spring, maybe helping out here and there. Helping out with a visit with an intern, showing them the ropes, but not everyday all day, and not every intern. My problem is when I do something I have to go all the way. And unfortunately, when you go all the way with this internship its far because everyone is so awesome. So I push myself to the very brink, and I break. I cannot experience that again, not with this company atleast.

A new out look.

I kind of feel really good right now. I feel like I am hopefully on an up slope like I was about a year ago at this time. In Cancun I realized something about myself and about regrets. I am me. About 2 or 3 blogs ago I wrote that I wasn't exactly sure who I even was, that I was fake, and I realized that is false. I am me, this is me. I may take on personalities of other people sometimes while I'm around them a lot, but that happens to all people, and even with their attributes I still have a light of my own. People see my personality, and people enjoy it. I believe that. I realized it, while I was hanging out with my friends in Cancun and we were all hanging out and talking by the water and each of us had our very distinct personalities.

Even though at one point I may be quite, one point loud, one point funny, and one point mean, doesn't mean that all of that is not me, I am all of that. I can be all of that. I also realized that regrets are for losers. I will no longer regret any actions of my past or of my present. Why am I doing this? Why am I sitting here? I should be out? I shouldn't have done that, or left her, or eaten that. It's what happened and whats happening and it must be accepted, and only be used constructively to propel myself to the future.

I believe that I now want to do something with myself. I do want to begin to think about my future. I believe that I do want to own a restaurant/bar and I think that I will love it. And I know it will be hard, I have to brain storm ideas, and I'm sure that I will come up with something good.

Um, I think I'm done for today. Later.

Life Update

Word, Im at the library. Supposed to be studying but I thought I would take a quick blog break. I have been enjoying finals time lol. I feel like I have more free time to just relax, relax and study. I finished up at the restaurant, and last week I made it to number 1 intern in Jersey so I'm feelin pretty good about that. I have been enjoying just studying by myself and getting it done, no other people or distractions. My roommates have been annoying me worse then ever of course. I mean its all psycological, in my head I say their annoying and then everything they do gets on my nerves. Really Im just angry about the whole situation and I cant wait to get out of it. Moving is going to be nice, and now I am getting a bit nervous about that lol. But it should be fun I think. I gotta get to the gym lol. I have missed alot cause I was sick. But I gotta get out there before I move, I mean we're living with three hot ass girls, I gotta be lookin fly.
I am pumped to get over there tho. I'm pumped for tuesday when finals are over and school is done! Then Im just going big time internship on the ASAP. Its gonna be serious. I'm like a scavenger, watching out for like every girl. I have been thinking a lot about my ex. It sucks. I just want a girl like that. Whatever. I think I'll probably pull a 3.0 or 3.2(Im in the midst of adding labels and I ended up with a 3.5) this semester which I'm pretty damn happy with after working so much thats not fuckin bad dude. I do like being me. It's not bad. I just gotta get some chillin time in. Get away from the negativity of my house and get back to my roots. Chill with the homies. Find a good girl to settle down with. Hopefully something creeps up this summer. I'm excited to go see my dad this weekend. I'm taking off a bit early to go get some dinner with him in the city with my sisters. Thats the word.
I dont know I thought I had some more thoughts to go over but I really dont have that much. Maybe later I will. I always have the same thoughts anyway. You can read last weeks blog and itll be the same lol. I just need to periodically flush um out. Cool dude. Back to work. Later babe.

I can't wait to get out dude

Seriously, I cannot wait to move. And honestly, after the summer I just feel like transferring, this environment is really draining for me now. Life has been just been hard lately. You know I've got class, work, and the internship and its freakin busy as hell. I am currently one of the top interns in the nation though, so that feels good. Its starting to pay off. I can't wait for school to end. I don't think I really did all that well this semester. We'll see how it ends up. I'm gonna be getting a grade back on a paper today, that'll have a pretty serious impact on my grade. I'm a slacker this semester. The summer is going to be very stressful, but hopefully fun. I set a dollar goal for myself, and if I do that much in sales I will have made about 30,000 by the end of the summer. So thats not too bad for a college kid.
I had a dream last night which fuckin sucked. It was with the girl that I have been thinking a lot about lately, and she came up to me and my friend and starts talking to her and she invites my friend to go to this show or something that she's in and doesnt invite me to go. Everyone of my friends but me was really invited. And its pretty much just a reflection of reality. About 2 or 3 weeks ago I get home from work and my friends are heading out and they're like, 'are you coming', and I didnt know where, and they were heading to this girls house for a party that she said nothing to me about. Me and this girl used to be mad tight, me and my friends used to be mad tight, shit just got wack over this year. I don't really know how to fix it all you know? I mean I can see how I pretty much created this environment for myself by working so much. But you know I'm at the point where I have to work, and now I just can't get out of a lot of my obligations. Its not my fault that these kids are fuckin lazy, and privileged, and don't work a fuckin day, sit around and can still afford to smoke weed, with their parents money. Its ridiculous. Life man. What can I do. I have a lot to think about. I just know this last month in the house may just be miserable. Atleast the next 2 weeks during finals, if they move back home then shit will be good. Hopefully they do.

Look into your eyes without shakin

My main issue in life is my assertiveness. I need to develop that part of myself. And I need to develop it this week. Ha, I have to be able to tell people how it it, and just be very a matter of fact about it. This is this and that is that, and its true, you can't question me cause I am right, take it or leave it. I pinpointed some major cracks in my estimating system and to fix a crack you have to caulk the seam by running a bead of caulk down it, smoothing it out with your thumb and then painting over that to protect the caulk and blend it in with the home. So I have to fill my crack and blend it in with myself. Be assertive while still keeping my original personality. Just having people trust me as I am. Two things I will break them down into two categories which were broken down for me.

1. Make them like you.
-Build Rapport, ask questions
-Include Facts about yourself
-Why are you doing this?
-Done at kitchen table.
-Must build trust.
-10 minutes minimum rapport building
-Keep asking questions about themselves

You know its wierd

Life is just wierd. My life is wierd., I fuckin messed up tonight at work, and last week at work was wierd, and I just feel like quiting. My roommates fuckin married to this chick and she's cool but it fuckin sucks that they are always around always. Sigh, who knows, how did my life turn out this way? Its surreal, its wierd, I feel like the characters on lost. How did they turn up there, how did I turn up here? Sorta wierd how I did get to this point, I remember what led me here. Its all got to do with money and a girl. Mostly a girl. I had to get away, and I did. Too far away. But I found something in the process,something I loved, and hated, and now I am just stuck in something that I regret. Somethere far from where I want to be. But I have to be. I hope I find my way out of this soon. I know this is all very ambiguous but for me it doesnt matter because I only really write this for me. I can read it and understand, if you read all of my blog you may be able to decifer this. Over time I have spoken much about this girl, and work, and life. How it all fits together. Not easy, and very hard, I do not know where I am going to go from here, you know? Where am I headed after this semester? For the summer? Probably not the beach with my college buddies like last year. Probably lots of work, and fun fun fridays with my coworkers and such. Wierd how you are already friends with people you work with, its so easy to be friends with them...and often times, all you can find to discusss, is work. Why is that such a solid base for a friend ship. I'm not really so sure. I lover writing these because they make me think really deeply about my position and i get dragged around through many aspects of my life, I think I might theme every blog from this week, we'll see. I am tired and going to sleep. Laaaaater.

I need to reflect

This week really does require quite a lot of reflection. A lot happened, and a little happened, and too much happened, and too little happened, my life was good, and my life was terrible. I was on the top and on the bottom, I don't really know. I am working so hard its not even funny, I must have done atleast 80 hours this week, I didnt go home for spring break, or hang with friends, or celebrate easter, I worked. Every day. Thats too much. But the fact is, I worked that much because I wasn't seeing results, and I need to see them. If I dont I have to work harder, and now I just need to work even harder, but I can't so I dont really know where to go with this. I'm getting really frustrated. I actually went backwards from where I was. Backwards! After all that work. This is in the internship by the way. After all that I ended up with a cancellation! AHHH so frustrating. Hm anyway. I dont feel like talking about that anymore. You know what imporant to me, girls. I can't figure out how im gonna find a girl that I like. You know whats wierd. I think for the first time I am genuinely happy for someone when I should be upset. I hope that means that I'm growing and maturing. I just got to get to bed im so fuckin tired and ready to sleep, I don't feel like having my roommates back, I dont feel like going to class, exams suck, lifes wierd, I want a girl, that I like a lot, good night.

Saturday

Saturday night. I love um. I love work, I love it all. Oh angelina jolie's legs are sexy. Ha random but true, tomb raiders on the tv. I just got back from work, lost all my money in C-Low, I really am dumb. I was up and then I lost it all, just like I always do, so stupid! Whatever. So, yea one of the bar tenders made me take like 4 shots. I love when they make me take shots lol. Alright, so today I was informed that January 3rd would be our last day as a restaurant. Phew, crazy right. I almost am relieved that I might not need to work there next semester. I can find another job maaaybe, or just not work. Maybe find a job and just work 2 or 3 nights a week. Maybe not work at all, eh? We'll see what happens. I sorta have to work to pay for insurance on the car that I plan on buying.

But the thing is now, of all the people in the restaurant, only the bar tenders know. So I can't tell any of the other waiters, I cant tell the kitchen, the bouncers, I cant tell my sister! Insane eh? So I have to watch what I say, cause I was told not to tell anyone and I have to keep it a secret. Maybe I can convince them to let the others know. We'll see, but its not like official official, its just 95%, if they buyers don't have the money or they want to hire us all or something then its gonna be different. Hm. I dont want to work with anyone else, I love the people I work with. I feel like I may never see them, I almost know that I wont. Terrible. They do go to Clyde's alot, I can get in there, maybe I'll go there with them one day. New Years Eve with everyone will be so much fun! Exciting. Drunk all day :). I love this girl.

She texted me again today! Thats an angry exclamation, not a happy one. It annoys me its like a tease, even though obviously its just a text. Whatev. So I need to study, I just ordered food online which always takes atleast an hour so that I can force myself to study for a little while. Night!