This is a College Town

Rutgers - - Such a college town. 3am hundreds of kids running form party to party dressed up in all different completely ridiculous and awesome costumes. Red cups float through houses like pollen in the spring and the smell of marijuana is evident in all areas. Pizza available til 4am and Deli's open 24/7. 3pm, kids just getting themselves up, heading down to the local bagel shop and dining hall for an all too available breakfast when most of the time zone is finishing lunch or fixing up dinner. The walk of shame even more obvious when still in costume and kegs being rolled back to their home at Pete's Liquors. Awesome. I love it all.

Sunday, we all try to make up for the long weekend marathon by getting to the library before it strikes one. But we're all so lucky because the clocks just turned back, giving us an excellent extra hour of sleep. Yet another good weekend here at Rutgers. I have been definitely enjoying my semester more then in the past. I realized that I am definitely happy. Which I'm glad about. It's an ever prominent goal in my life. Happiness is literally the goal highest on my list, and all subsequent goals are essentially tactical goals to achieve my greatest need.

I don't think I'm going to exactly review the weekend because I do that too often, it was a classic Halloween. Costumes and beer, I was so sick from drinking on Saturday that I threw up at least 4 times slept til 2, went to eat(didn't eat anything) came home and slept until 5:50. Woke up, went to Philly for a bit, came back, and went out again. The most important thing to note about this weekend was that I was chillin with the NoG from last weekend(see last weekends post for a definition. I am becoming more attracted to her which is a good sign, I just need to not fuck it up by becoming the friend. So far I'm not there yet, but being a pussy and not making a move is not helping things because she is making it perfectly obvious what her intentions are, but its a difficult situation because she just got out of a long relationship with someone I am familiar with and she is what is known as a nice girl. Of course my favourite type of girl.

I am also happy because I feel like there is some consistency in the availability of fun now in my life. I am also happy because I feel that my ambition to get out there and party is having a direct and positive effect on the life of my roommate. He was sticking in the room and now he's coming out all the time, really working towards the goal. He's having a good time and I'm really happy about that. Its funny that my ambition now adays is getting out and partying. I really need to set some higher goals for myself. I need to find myself a job and an internship for the summer. I can't move backwards as much as I would like too. When you drain yourself dry like a raisin, you feel the need to bring back you're life. I definitely felt that need and now I'm feeling a bit lazy. It is what it is for now though, I'll find myself something to do.

I'm scared to go back to work, work changes things. I feel like I want to keep my life how it is in a way, I'm worried that working will bring in a whole new range of changes to my life.

Music.
I'm on the verge, I'm on the verge. Jack's Mannequin is a great, great band. If you're looking for something to listen to, and you want to check out something ridiculously awesome, if you're ready for greatness, listen to Jack's Mannequin. Their first album 'Everything in Transit' - I think its their first album but I could be wrong, ill refrase, their most popular album listed above, is so great. It combines catchy piano and keyboard melodies with simple guitar leads and drum beats and simply amazing lyrics and vocal melodies. Pick it up, very good feeling music with mostly major key tonalities, but when they go minor its also extremely well done. You feel that you know the lead singer really well, and that's an important part of connecting with this style of music.

I have extremely diverse tastes in music. I think everyone says that because they think just because they listen to hip hop and indie rock makes them diverse. I'd say it makes them more diverse then some. But I listen to everything from old school rap, gangster rap, hip hop, r&b, hardcore, metal, classic rock, jazz, classical, blues, indie rock, getting into techno, progressive rock, acoustic, jam, indie girl singers, and jazz singers. I think that might be mostly all I listen too. The only genres I'm not that into are punk/ska(too upbeat I think for me), and I don't listen to too much country(just never really got into it), I like both of those genres but don't really have them on my playlists. I think what differntiates me musically specifically is the blues/jazz that I listen to, metal/hardcore, and the indie girl singers(which a lot of girls are into but not so much dudes).

Ok, I would like to blog further and I might add to this later with somethings I forgot but I should actually study now since Im at the library.
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Sorry, I felt like being extremely immature for a minute there. It says 69 posts if you can't see it clearly. I kind of just wanted to play around with computer screen shots which I've never done before but I think I might do it more often from now on. I'm out of the library and feeling extremely tired. I felt like I slept pretty well too, this morning I felt so rejuvenate since I wasn't hung over as shit. Anyway, funny funny story. So I pierced my ears 3 more times. To literally quadruple my piercing count to 4. And no one had mentioned or noticed it, but I knew somehow that the girl that I slept with a little while ago that I mentioned would notice when I saw her. And less then 5 minutes into seeing each other again she noticed. Kind of weird right? Still the only one to notice. Strange how I knew she would notice and she did very quickly. I feel bad for her because she has been completely sucked in to this internship. It stinks but she loves it so let it be.

While I was at the library, the NoG was there, and I could swear that she saw me but didn't come say hi, and I was with my friend(who is like her bf) and they were texting but she didn't come by. This worries me. I know I'm being paranoid but either one of two things is happening, she is purposely ignoring me, or she just doesn't care enough to say hi. Both of which are bad by the way. I think I fucked this one up too. But there's plenty of time, I've missed golden opportunities with girls before and turned it around. It always depends on the girl. Chances are I will see this girl a lot more often.

I'm being really lazy right now, eating pasta, not going to the gym, not studying or socializing. I feel like I get this way alot by evening on Sundays. Lackadasical and somewhat depressed in a way. But really its not actually depression, just apathy I guess in a way. At the library I was talking with my friend, she wants to live together next year, seems like it might be a good idea. Just me, her and my current roommate. Or maybe one more, and a dog of course. I do like it here, but change is always good too. Something to consider.

Getting Raw

Getting Raw. So I wanted a picture for my post and I typed in 'getting raw' into google and nothing with guitars came up so then I typed 'getting raw guitar' and this old thing came up. I thought it would be a good pick. Shes kind of sexy. Total slut though, not my type. If it were a real guitar it would be better. But anyway.

Quick rant related to my last post:

The other thing is that my house mate that wants to move out always says to my other house mate who is fake to her best friend, 'I took the garbage out all summer' or ' I cleaned the bathroom all summer' or I cleaned the kitchen all summer'. Which are all legitimate lies. I wont give him no credit, but honestly we all did all of that. And we all worked to keep things clean, and since it was only the three of us at that time(not the girl another roommate) it wasnt hard. We didnt even take garbage down that much only when the landlords complained and then I would do it on my own. Maybe once or twice he took it out without me, maaaaybe. At the max. And he's making it sound like I did nothing! Like he did it all, or like our other roommate did nothing, when we probably did the most. Bull shit.

Ok so to today. Overall I felt good, studied in the morning, went to class which was actually a little interesting. Made a rediculously good dish with potatoes, asparagus and garlic. Thats it with a few spices and a couple table spoons of olive oil and one Tbls of ranch. Sooo great roasted in the oven to perfection I was very proud of myself. Then I went to band practice. Apparently I'm in a band now. This band is really good its made up of a bunch of people I have been in bands with in the past except for one girl. But I've known her a while. The band has been around for I'd say atleast a year now and the other guitar player is out of this world and has a greattt set up for recording at his place. The bands name is 'Lux Astra' check um out, or I guess now 'us' out. I normally wouldn't link to something that so obviously can give away my true identity ha but whatever, what happens happens. I have about 1 month to learn all of the songs and get them tight which wont be easy because they are not easy to play. Unless maybe you're the guitar player form All That Remain(ATR).

It makes me happy to know that they want me in their band, and it makes me happy to finally know that I will be playing with a band again. Being in a band is like being in a family. You always see eachother, hang out, create together, fight, I mean its great. Everything about being in a band is really awesome even when its not. Lig-e-wis, life is good even when its not. I think I might get ligewis on my tattoo somewhere. Hm well something to think about, I think I'm going to pass out now. I'll see u when I see you.

Things do change

It was the first snow of the season today. The weather has been all out of wack. Blame global warming? Who knows. I woke up knowing that it felt weird, I specifically opened my window because of this feeling and bam! snow. I'm pretty much psychic. Just kidding. Anyway, I have been feeling good in general, hitting the gym every day which feels good, doing alright in school, connecting with old friends, but, something is off again. What you ask?

My housemates. This weekend when I went out Friday to my friends house( this first one) with my roommates when everyone was matched up as I described it earlier, I kind of just sat back, drank and observed. And it sucked hearing two of my roommates talk about how one of them wants to move out( first time I ever heard that), and the other one saying that she doesn't know what she would do without him blah blah, saying that she's not really friends with are other roommate(who is essentially her best friend). I mean I feel like both of them are just being soooo two faced. I make a really serious attempt to keep every thing clean and be respectful of everyones bounds, I truely do put in more of my share to keep things unified in the house so people don't run around blaming others for this and that, I'll just do it. Also, I make a serious attempt to be friends with, and spend time with everyone but it's obviously not reciprocated.

Lets just break it down. My one roommate wanting to move out and saying nothing to anyone about it, just staying like a silent bitch when I've been working to try and keep him happy pisses me off. Pretty much its a slap in the face saying, "I can't stand living with you."

My other roommate says that her best friend is not her friend anymore, but they are just pretending? We'll what are we doing then? I'm trying to be friends with you and make a closer knit house but you don't even care about you're best relationship what makes me think you give a shit about our relationship? Fuck that. It makes me feel that trying is senseless.

My horiscope on monday stated,
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"Hey, loosen up there! You can't become too obsessed with every little detail in life. Everything is what it is -- some things can be changed, but some things cannot be. You'll be doing yourself a huge favor by understanding the difference between the two, especially in your personal life. Problems could arise in a partnership if you are nwilling to just let things go. You cannot change a person, you can only communicate how their behavior affects you."
{{

I mean sometimes horiscopes are useless, I hate anything to do with money or finance in you're horiscope its so unspritual if thats the right word. But anyway, this really kind of communicated something to me. Should I just loosen up? Probably. I mean a lot of things with people just piss me off, my own roommate(in my actual room who I've talked about who I feel like is my teammate, my wingman, you know?) gets on my nerves sometimes. Too much politics with him, he gets lazy with going to the gym sometimes when we promised we'd go, and things like that sometimes just piss me off. But I do have to let it go or I'll end up pushing all of my friends away by being pissed at them half the time. I'll have to work on that.

Music.
On the music side of things I keep working to try and write a song and sing. Just doesn't work. But this kid can do it pretty good so check him out.



Definitely inspiring, there are so many talented people in the world. Glad youtube can bring a lot of them together.

Sunday

Hello. Its Sunday again.

I'm definitely a fan of Sundays in general because they are a good day to just relax and get things done. I'm at the library now of course and I have to get my blogging out of the way so I can focus on studying. It's weird how much I think about blogging now, it's like Facebook where you just go on it all the time, I feel like blogging all the time. It's weird I feel like. But, anyway.

This was another successful weekend. Me and my roommate had a blast Thursday as you know, and then Friday came. Friday was fun, I didn't go to class like an idiot which I think I wrote about already and then I studied for a bit, went to the gym, and then went to hang with my younger sister at home. We went out to get some chinese take out and then came back home to watch 'The Life Aquatic' which is such an awesome movie anyone that wants a new movie to watch definitely pick that up!

After the movie I jetted back home and pretty much right when I got back I grabbed a beer, sucked it down within a few measly minutes and went over to our friends house. This kid is pretty cool, really cool actually I hope that I'll be better friends with him soon, but I was bored. Just drinking and kind of being a loner there because everyone was pretty much paired up with they're BFF and I was just chillin. So I bounced around 1 to go to my other friends house, had a good time and just bounced home around 3.

That was too many sentences for a boring day so I'll keep saturday short. Heres saturday in 3 sentences. Woke up, ate, gym, got ready, went to philly, (view picture up top) went to Paddy's pub with my friends from my ex-Internship. Had a good time there, love seeing those people, came back to NB around 1, went out again to my friends party, picked my other friend up and went to my other friends house. Ended up with my friend back at my house ordered some food and just chilled out.

Phew, that was pretty much just a bunch of fragments seperated by commas but who cares?

Two new revelations:

Music
I love wierd girl singers, ex. Feist, Regina Spektor, and all those wierdos, I think they're awesome. Check um out if you havn't yet. And no, I'm not gay lol( not that I have anything against gay's). So anyway, but I feel like the market is flooded right now. I mean you see these wierd girl singers all over the place now, just watch some MTV or go on Pandora.com type in Feist and see how many similar girls there are. I liked it better when they're were less of them. They're still awesome though. I guess its just like the new big wave.

Here's one example from Ingrid Michealson :

Here's one from Feist(Live - watch her sing its so wierd) -

I love nights out with friends and just kind of chillin, and drinking, and having a good time, not really going out specifically to get laid, I mean it has to be on the back burner of course, but not going out to huge parties looking for girls. I really came to realize this over the weekend because I have a much better time when I'm just trying to chill with my dudes and we meet up with some girls and we all just kind of chill around and drink instead of being packed in a basement. My new goal is to attend as many parties like this as possible.

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Ok, so last thing. It's getting too cold out. Anyone agree? I do.

Dear Journal, its been a good day

Let me start with a small rant.

Just go on YouTube and type 'Fred' into the search bar. (side note; my roommates watching political video's which he really immerses himself in which is unhealthy i feel like in a way but we all have our bad habits lol I guess selective education isnt the worst, but he's watching them kind of loud and its annoying me, side note completed) Just watch one of these rediculous videos, I couldn't handle it. This kid must be making a ton of money from the YouTube partnership program because he is the #1 most subscribed all time and shit. Wow, I feel like thats just dumb, how rediculous? I just typed fred into google and its the same deal, the second one is his dumb ass.

Yes I am a hater. I am hating on him for being so popular for rediculously unfunny, annoying videos. I mean I watched this other kid who was kind of retarted but actually funny Dave Days, look him up that shits legit. I mean he's got clever songs, and its funny, watch the Miley Cyrus spoof totally hilarious. And its not in a wierd voice and all wierd, fuck that. Haha, this is funny too.

I just spent like 40 minutes watching more of those videos haha.

Anywayyyy, today was a good day, woke up, studied, went to class, watched a bit of behind the scenes to the movie, "Once" which I highly recommend of course and then went out to dinner with my old homies from work. Such a blast. I miss those kids a lot, I think we'll probably all see eachother a bit more often now that we saw eachother, everyone had a good time. Ok so I know I probably talk about different girls who I wanna fuck every blog, sometimes the same sometimes different but I have two more to post up here who I know I have spoken about in the past.

• One is just a girl I worked with a while ago and her personality is just so different and shes definitely damn cute but her personality just makes her so much sexier definitely makes me want to fuck her. So theres one.
• And two, is the girl I have been in love with for the past 2 years who I've mentioned many times. I recieved a Fbook comment from her and it just makes me want to slap her. I feel like I never want her to talk to me because it makes me think about her that much more. I admit to being jealous of the dude that shes unofficially 'with'. Very jealous. I would love to be that guy but unfortunately I can't be and it wont change. Its interesting that when I think of this girl I dont think about fucking her but more of just chilling out together...I dont see her as sexually, but i do see her as sexy. And most other girls I see mostly as pure objects.

I definitely objectify the shit out of girls. But not to their face, I want to change that...Continue objectifying them but just do it to their face more. I really should go to bed, I have an exam in the morning. I think I'm going to resolve to skip class in the morning and just go to my exam. Get a bit of extra sleep. That resolution makes me feel like continuing to blog. Everytime I think the word blog, I think about a scene in Californiacation(an awesome show!)

Eh peace

Freaked out morning

I was riding the bus this morning(not standing up thankfully) and I was hangin out on my iPhone doing that old deal when I came upon a facebook message. Totally freaked me out because the title was from one of my roommates and it read, "I am appalled by you're behaviour" or something like that and in the body of the message was a link to a blogger profile of course my heart skipped a few beats thinking she may have found this blog. Definitely scared me, but I guess I kind of have to let it be. I dont wanna be such a pussy that I'm so scared anyone ever finds this, if it happens it happens.

DISCLAIMER:
I appologize in advance if any of my friends find this and find the content to be appalling or unfair, rude, unlike me, mean, vulger, too sappy, sad, emo, and etc. This blog certainly reflects my many different moods at any given time, and each mood certainly contains a constant theme, that I'm sure is easily extracted.

I feel better having that little disclaimer in there. :)

So anyone that knows me probably now knows that I am inlove with the show 'It's always sunny in philadelphia' which is just the most awesome and hilarious show. And this saturday I will have the pleasure of going to paddy's pub which the show's pub is based off of. I'm pumped, so pumped. I hope I don't get stabbed lol.

Mmm, unfortunately I feel like I don't have too much to say...my roommate was just listening to some girl country singer lol, just thought I'd through that out there. Alright here's some news.

Theres this girl that I want to fuck so bad. Its crazy everytime I see her name on facebook on my feed I click it and stalk its so bad. I just think she's so sexy in a bad ass kind of way. Shes thin small and so sexy, great face too. Damn I want to fuck her more then anyone else for sure. I gotta make it my goal to fuck her before I leave school. Its doable, the only thing is she's friends with my Ex and when I was flirting with her before she'd be like but what about ur ex. And id be like fuck that bs.

I want to so bad be able to write a good song. Guitar's the easy part it could be two power chords, but with awesome lyrics and a good vocal melody and rythm it would be something completely new and I want that. I just have a lot of trouble puting my heart on my sleave like that for the world to see. Obviously look how much I freak just over the possibility that someone might see this lol. Singing a song to someone, even the idea of having someone hearing me sing in my room freaks me out because I know I can't sing lol. Im dumb.

It impresses me that a website like youtube can be sold after less then 2 years running for over 1 billion dollars. Isn't that insane? It's worth over a billion dollars, and that was a while ago, its worth way more now.

I feel like an asshole because I'm thinking I may not go to one of my friends parties and she obviously really wants me to go but in the end we probably wont even spend that much time together, its like an hour away and I dont really know any of the people that are going to be there. I just don't know how to tell her that I probably won't be coming. I dont want to be douche bag, nahm sayin?

Well I think I'm going to pass out. I'll see u

Case of the Mondays

Monday night. Tired.

I picked up a new set of speakers for my room. They're awesome so far. You know I definitely kind of wish I had a single right now, most of the time I dont really mind I guess, but sometimes I want it. Like right now I wish I could blast my music, I want to just jam out or relax to my music blasted though. But I feel like, what if he doesn't want it that loud and shit you know? Its annoying, and you know if I ask of course he'll say yes because we're both just like that too nice. I think about living by myself completely a lot. Getting one of those apartments down the street, studios, like 700 a month. Probably like 800 or more with utilities and cable and everything. But it would be nice, and then I could get a dog lol. I really want a dog. I realize thought that I wanted a dog more before when I was lonelier, im not qite as lonely now. Things are still going well for me.

I've been tallying up the girls that I know I could make my girl friend If I really wanted to. I'm at 2 lol but I think I may be approaching 3 based off of some new knowledge. I'm going to try to make this list grow, the more girls I have on there the more likely I find one that I will actually want to make my girl.

So I did really bad on my Management exam, but I did really well on my operations management exam. I'm still waiting on exams in a few classes and I have one more exam to take for my midterms to be done. I really love this CD, its the 'Once' soundtrack. Great great CD. Mesmerizing. Both musicians really bring a ridiculous rawness and emotion to each song that you don't find in so much music nowadays. So many bands use so much electronic modification and touching up and don't leave the realness of the song to be had(I enjoy this music too) but 'Once' lets it be and its awesome!

I made reservations for me and the old crew from my fav job ever to grab some dinner. Im pretty excited, we havn't all been together in who knows how long. Atleast since last january... Almost a year its crazy. I miss um, I miss it. It was my jam, the greatest life I had I feel like. Personal opinion. But who knows, I feel like I was somewhat unhappy then to, just in a different way. Being there was always great. Isnt that wierd, like being at a job was the best. But it wasn't really a job, it was like hanging out with you're friends, drinking, getting starbucks, gambling, laughing, god and I never really took it for granted either. Normally, when you have something good you take it for granted, but at that time I knew how great it was. I'm just in one of those moods right now.

I tried to cook tofu with corn starch, didn't work out too well, I think I'm going to look up a recipe and figure out a good one. I just burnt the garlic too much I feel like, and the tofu didn't take enough of the flavor. I really need to get some soy sauce or timari. I need ginger lol now that I'm looking at some reciepes and some bread crumbs will do me well also...and more oil. I'm hungry, but I did eat a full meal about 4 hours ago. Definitely a good full meal, and I just had a slice of cake...I'm a fatty. But I have resolved to go to the gym daily, I went yesterday and today and I'm going to keep up with it like I used to. I'm going to try to write a song of sorts.

Its been real

This weekend has been real. This week has been real.

Let me tell you about my weekend so that I can even remember it, it flew by and not too much exciting occurred but it was definitely fun.

Thursday: I actually did not want to go out for once. I just didnt really feel like it which is wierd, and its not because I'm depressed or something, I just wasn't in the mood. Cool huh? An Alchy like me. Stayed in, passed out pretty early and just watched some TV and shit.

Friday: This was a really cool night, drove up to CT with my friends and we went to see a show in New Haven. Of course I drove(my friends car lol) and it was like 4.5hrs there and 2.5-3 back or so. Not short when its 3am. I was a bit dissapointed in Trivium who I used to be a pretty big fan of but I feel like they we're almost trying to hard or not being who I thought they were from their album. Very full of themselves. Then All That Remains went on. Let me tell you, they were so awesome! It opened my eyes to how good they really are, catch riffs, head banging craziness, I actually went into the pit and went wild because I just really felt the music.

The wierd thing about metal is that, the feeling that it gives you is truely the feeling to go tear someone apart. Is that wrong? I dont think so, but its probably not for everyone, and I think that's something that I have to realize. Because I feel that everyone should love it because the feeling is truely empowering. I love it. Its not like going to a John Mayer or Coheed concert( two musical acts that I also love.) Its a different type of experience. So as a last word, if you like metal please check out All That Remains because they are totally awesome.

Finally,
Saturday: Good day? I'd say so. you know I had a lot of friends around on this day which always makes me feel good, and friends from all over. It makes me feel good to know that my friends from home still want to hang out and all that because its been so long since I have truely been home. So at 12noon Hanna shows up to my crib, they're are a bunch of people drinking because the RU game was starting(I literally woke up 11:45 and had two beers and a bagel for breakfast ha). Hanna and I of course went to go get bubble tea her favorite shizzle, and went to the mall to find her some shoes. Its fun to hang out with her, shes always good to hang with and talk to, and shes cute too so that always makes things good right? Then troy and austin met up with us and hanna had to bounce and we went back to my crib. Same kids were there drinking still haha, and we just kept drinking til like 7. Played some pong, ate some good food, and hung out with those kids who I havn't really hung out with in a while from school. The affection I get from some of these people is always great for me, I need it since I dont have like a steady girl, I need something. At the show friday I saw a lot of girls hanging on their dudes and it made me really crave that, I miss that. Anyway, they left and I took a nap(tried to atleast beacuse other people came and it was loud). Got up and max and 'neal?' came over, I'm really bad with names I've known this kid for like 3 or 4 years and dont remember his name. But they're both awesome to hang out with and really good to talk to. And thats that, passed out really early(well for a saturday like 1) and here I am.

I realized that one of my roommates(and not just one but one imparticular) is very much in my situation. Has friends but always kind of ends up alone somehow at the end of the night, and she's one of the most beautiful girls I know. Makes me feel bad for her because I feel like it makes her doubt herself, when she shouldnt. I think I should tell her that one day. So it has been real. This was an extremely detailed post. I dont usually go into so much detail I feel like with names and all that. I think I realized that its just like fuck it, this is me, this is my blog and if a friend finds it thats what happens, and it is what it is.

I think I'm gonna leave it there for now. And I'll hit ur ass up later. Peace.

Back here

I'm just sitting around the house. Feeling a bit low. I dont really know why. I just think its because I dont really like having everyone around again. Its a little bit stressful. Having my room and having the house to myself was all really nice. I made the decisions. If they're here I cant really go out with my other friends when I want and I cant watch what I want to watch do what I want to do. You know? Just like everything with the other guys now is just a little fake, not the same and its just stupid. I don't feel comfortable the way I should, its just forced. I wish I could just honestly move somewhere and meet all new people, I think I would enjoy that. At least for a little while I would enjoy it. A new school, a new dorm, its probably like the only way for me to really learn about myself. Its too constricted here. I can't really decide what I want, or where I want to go, or who I want to be with. Anyway, what can you do?

So, I am so stuck on that girl still. It really sucks I have no idea how to get myself away from that, its so frustrating. The other night I had a dream with her in it, and I just knew Im deep in again. Havnt even seen the hoe in like 4 weeks. Fuck it man. She texted me right before I had sex with the other girl too. Wierrrd yo. Not really but honestly I'm starting to feel a little bad about having sex with that other girl cause there's no feelings at all in it for me and I know there are for her. Shes just texting me and shit all the time. Who knows man. I just want it to end and find a new girl. I want to go out with my work friends tonight, things are very nice and relaxed when I'm with them. They are all like in very real points in they're lives and very open and vulnerable, its good to see a genuine side of someone. I appreciate that they show me that side of them. I have so much trouble showing my vulnerable side, aka. this side of me. What I write here I just pray no one that I ever meet reads. Its really for me to just get out my feelings and I appreciate that I can do that. Hm.

I just bought a new car that I am so in love with. I'm living like a poor man right now tho. Need a job bad. Ill survive. I just dont have the money to go spend time on my own anymore though. The one thing that keeps me sane. I went to B&N to get some time alone, and relax, and I bumped into someone I knew, I was angry about it, not too nice to her, very stand offish, I felt bad. But I couldn't even help myself, I just didn't want to know anyone there. IT feels good to just spend time to myself, doing something. Not just sitting in front of the TV or anything. Writing, playing guitar, driving, even just walking around. I dont want to go to this party tonight. I know both the girl I have feelings for and the girl I have sex with will be there. I'm going to have to drink myself away from the situation. To deal with it. I dont want to spend time with either of them right now. I can hopefully get drunk then go meet up with some of my other friends at a bar or something. Relax.

I feel bad not really liking my current friends. I feel deceitful. They are really good people. Just not people that I feel I can open up to at this point. It's to late for that. I am listening to this CD I just bought its 'Between the Trees'. I like them. Just picked um out of random. From the name. Attracted me. Looking for like a hardcore band of sorts. I knew they'd be good because they thanked Jesus first. Christian rock bands are always good. No matter what. I'm not even christian I just have figured it out. Lol. Anyway. I'm going out for a bit. Ill see ya soon.

Whatever

Just another night, like any other, had work, didn't study for exams like I should have, and remembered about how I love this girl and need to get over it. Never ends. I hate that girl. She sucks so so bad. I really hate her. I cant do anything about it. Whatever. Ha, I definitely write whatever like all the time in these blogs I'm gonna change the current title of this blog.

Currently I'm listening to 'Gravity' by John Mayer, really good song. John Mayer can really play guitar, some people really don't realize that, not that I'm like way above others in musical talent spotting, but I just think a lot may over look it because he also is a talented singer/songwriter, but his guitar player surpasses it. He can play great blues, and you feel it, he feels it, something I have a hard time doing. I can play well, and feel it when I'm really on, but not always, I need to always have that heart and passion.

I really wonder like, when and where will I ever find a girl that I'm going to fall in love with? Will it happen? I hope so.

Lately, I have been really contemplating just saving up to give myself a really great vacation. I'm so over school, I almost want to take a semester off, or drop out. What am I paying all this money for? I work so hard, and it pays off, but is it all worth it? Just for a degree? When will I see the true benefit of this? I like waiting and bar tending, why dont I just do that? Hm? Ha I know I cant really be satisfied in life by doing that, but I love it so much now, why not for my future. Fuck being a successful business man. I just want to go on vacation ok. Thats where this all stemmed from. My mom mentioned giving me like a 2 day ski trip for Hanuka instead of like a regular gift, and I'm so down for it, made me feel like, well why dont I just go alone, and relax? I want more time to my self as of this year. I like eating out alone now. I really just enjoy time on my own. I think I'm gaining enough passion here to write a good song, obviously an acoustic look at how emo I am. I am a total emo bag. Lol.

By the way, I am only half Jew, I think you knew that already, I'm not like a spoiled Jewish kid or anything.

I really planned on only writing like one paragraph. I'm going to try to write more often. Give my many readers more to enjoy. Personally, I just enjoy typing away here, my roommate is right there, has no idea that I have this blog...atleast I dont think haha, that would suck. This is really for my eyes only, and maybe people who have no idea who I am. If anyone who knew me read this, they probably would knew immediately who it was. Thats why I try to leave specific names and shit out. Like, steve or jessica, lol. You like those decoy names? Haha. I crack myself up sometimes, lol. I made a lot at work this week. Makes me feel good to make money for once lol.

Maybe I should start adding text adds to this blog. I already have a google adsense account, Why not? Just click um up for me. Give me a break, starving college student over here. Has no true love, no substantial income, works hard, and no real friends. I live a totally fake life. Completely. Its weird.

I hate awkward sex conversations. Why does this girl I was hanging out with tonight love talking about how much sex everyones had. Its annoying. Especially because she has herps and licks peoples faces. Its so annoying.

Ay. Where are the values nowa days? The only 'good girls' nowa days are like total religious freaks who wont even have sex til 5 years after marriage, are totally right wing just because of rediculous social issues like abortion and prayer in school. Its frustrating. Girls are on my mind a lot. Def constantly. Guess I'm not gay, eh? Well I know that much. But I know that I am a man of values, something that not many people I run into have. I'm good looking, value ridden, and personable. I'd think I would find a good girl, too bad theres nothing for me out there. If your a good girl, give me a hollar. Leave a little comment over here, maybe Ill get to ya ; ). Its time for bed. Catch you tomorrow.