You know its wierd

Life is just wierd. My life is wierd., I fuckin messed up tonight at work, and last week at work was wierd, and I just feel like quiting. My roommates fuckin married to this chick and she's cool but it fuckin sucks that they are always around always. Sigh, who knows, how did my life turn out this way? Its surreal, its wierd, I feel like the characters on lost. How did they turn up there, how did I turn up here? Sorta wierd how I did get to this point, I remember what led me here. Its all got to do with money and a girl. Mostly a girl. I had to get away, and I did. Too far away. But I found something in the process,something I loved, and hated, and now I am just stuck in something that I regret. Somethere far from where I want to be. But I have to be. I hope I find my way out of this soon. I know this is all very ambiguous but for me it doesnt matter because I only really write this for me. I can read it and understand, if you read all of my blog you may be able to decifer this. Over time I have spoken much about this girl, and work, and life. How it all fits together. Not easy, and very hard, I do not know where I am going to go from here, you know? Where am I headed after this semester? For the summer? Probably not the beach with my college buddies like last year. Probably lots of work, and fun fun fridays with my coworkers and such. Wierd how you are already friends with people you work with, its so easy to be friends with them...and often times, all you can find to discusss, is work. Why is that such a solid base for a friend ship. I'm not really so sure. I lover writing these because they make me think really deeply about my position and i get dragged around through many aspects of my life, I think I might theme every blog from this week, we'll see. I am tired and going to sleep. Laaaaater.

I need to reflect

This week really does require quite a lot of reflection. A lot happened, and a little happened, and too much happened, and too little happened, my life was good, and my life was terrible. I was on the top and on the bottom, I don't really know. I am working so hard its not even funny, I must have done atleast 80 hours this week, I didnt go home for spring break, or hang with friends, or celebrate easter, I worked. Every day. Thats too much. But the fact is, I worked that much because I wasn't seeing results, and I need to see them. If I dont I have to work harder, and now I just need to work even harder, but I can't so I dont really know where to go with this. I'm getting really frustrated. I actually went backwards from where I was. Backwards! After all that work. This is in the internship by the way. After all that I ended up with a cancellation! AHHH so frustrating. Hm anyway. I dont feel like talking about that anymore. You know what imporant to me, girls. I can't figure out how im gonna find a girl that I like. You know whats wierd. I think for the first time I am genuinely happy for someone when I should be upset. I hope that means that I'm growing and maturing. I just got to get to bed im so fuckin tired and ready to sleep, I don't feel like having my roommates back, I dont feel like going to class, exams suck, lifes wierd, I want a girl, that I like a lot, good night.

I thought it was a good day

I was looking out of the crowded bus today, listening to music, and just looking through the trees at the sun. It was so beautiful out today and it really made for a good day. It made all of the walks between class and meetings and everything so pleasant. It enhances life quite a bit. I met with zack today, had a good meeting. Over viewed the weekend. I had a fairly successful weekend I would say. Booked a job, did 7 estimates, and we got 19 leads. My marketers do such a great job for me, but its hard to afford them. Working at daryl has not even covered the cost of marketers yet. Well, hopefully everything runs even better next week. Im pumped cause I have Zach coming out with me to 3 estimates this weekend. Its good to have him come out cause I guess it gives me an excuse to not book it. If hes there then I am not to blame for not booking the job. I just realized that thats the reason. But really even more importantly it give me a better chance at booking it I feel like. I mean he wants to book me a job bad since he didnt the first weekend so hopefully we book all 3 this weekend and I'll be so happy. I mean if we book one of 3 ill be pumped and then hopefully I can book atleast one more from next weekend,and one from last.

I have been thinking non stop about girls, honestly it haunts my thoughts. I just want a good girl. Someone to chill with. I would make room for her in my schedule and cut things out. I just want to have someone to connect with. Currently, I need that connection more then ever. I realized that I am back to junior year of high school.You know? I thought that I had never been in this type of position before, but I have. Junior year I had no solid friendships, plenty of friends but nothing super strong, I never really do anyway, but I also had no girl and pledged that the next girl that shows interest in me I'll date. And I did that, and it turned out great. I can't do that now though. I need a stong relationship. Someone I can really connect with and talk to, and have sex with of course. Hm, its interesting how everything works out. Here I am, 17 years old. I am just much more ambitious and driven then I was, I push myself to my limits instead of being bored. Its good, but I'm also ready for that vacation. Ready to hit europe. Get drunk. Smoke. Have fun, be a kid. I spotted some Wendy's cups and bags sitting down in the parking lot, and it just reminded me of when I was in HS going to Mcdonalds and taco bell and eating in the parking lot on a nice day. And just having aimless nights and days, who cares what we're doing now, cause we dont know where we're going after this. Once we had a hide and go seek game in our town! With cars, just for fun. It was such a good time, and a waste of time. I mean, I want to have more time for those wastes. Less for work. I'm gonna bounce cause my bat's dying. I'm gonna shower and get to bed. <3

Learning to be Natural

I noticed that one thing that I need help with is learning to be natural. People respond to openness, and people respond to your true personality more then anything else. Its appreciated. Its appreciated as a server, its appreciated as a bar tender, and its appreciated as a sales person. If you're trying to sell something, even if people want it, or need it, want they really need to see that you mean what you say. Even if you don't. They need to believe that you do, and they'll believe it if you can show a genuine side of yourself. Your true personality has to come out when your interacting with people. If they smell your fear, or they can see that your not feeling strongly about your product, then your going to have a hard time. The best thing that I'm going to learn this year is how to be natural. We all know that I have trouble with that. I don't even know if theres anyone that I am really myself with. So learning to show my genuine personality will help me in building all types of relationships. I see my bosses at both of my jobs show natural personality, it comes out with ease, and thats what I need.



This is a video by will.i.amof the black eyed peas. Its a musical rendition of a speech made by Barack Obama. I am becoming more confident in Baracks ability to lead our nation. There are no doubts in my mind at this point. He is the person to do it. He makes me feel comfortable, and excited about the future of our nation. If he was president, when he is elected, I will cry. Its going to be a great day. I am become more against the idea of Hilary, and I do not want McCain, and I just believe that a nation with Barack will be one of much more unity then the one we are currently in. He has the ability to bring good people behind him, put strong players into his cabinet and that will help our nation be strong and help our nation get back on its feet. Its a nice thought. I just hope it works out. I may move to spain anyway. Just for a little while though, and when I get back I hope to see a state of the union with barack obama standing there.

Its creeping up

Soon its going to be my birthday. I'm getting a bit excited about it actually. I'm not excited about receiving presents or anything like that. Cause chances are I wont really receive any lol, I dont get my hopes up about that. I am excited just chill out and drink with some friends, maybe my co-workers for the first time. That'd be cool. Tomorrow nights my classic thursday night excursion. Hopefully I wont throw up this time ha. Mmm, im tired so I think I'm just going to hit the sack now. I had a lot of good thoughts today and I just cant remember them. One thing I was thinking about is how my hair, back in the day was like a crutch. It was so easy to make friends and meet people when your hair is a conversation starter and people want to meet you because of it. You know? Like it means I do not have to develop my personality in the same way. Maybe thats why I'm suffering right now socially. I don't have any good things to speak about, no good starters. Its not like i dont have friends or can't meet new people but im in a valley. Not meeting many new people and not clicking the same way with my friends. I am clicking more with old friends though. And I am meeting new people through work and this internship so hopefully we'll all drink together and loosen up. Its much easier to get to know someone that way. Thats what I enjoy about work. Meeting new people. People that you automatically have something in common with. Often times its the only thing you have in common. And thats ok. Its another crutch right there lol. Work friends. Ok well Im really going to bed.

Out of destruction comes creation

You know, lately I feel like I have been learning a lot. My political science courses teach me so much about how my country and the entire world work, and how nations interact together and within themselves. So many interesting things and spectacular feats are enacted all around the world daily and rarely are we educated on it. I mean currently I would say I know little about so much of other nations. One of my teachers today said, "I don't know if anyone keeps up on Australian politics, but..." and I laughed. I was like what? Who keeps up with australian politics? Apparently he does, and other must know what occurs there. And interesting things go on there. I read a few chapters of this book which discusses an amazing political instance in Amsterdam. A group of essentially anarchists, got together and ended up becoming so influential that they received 5 seats on a 45 seat city council. They ended up pushing two parties out of the council and taking seats from other parties. So interesting because it started as a few kids with this crazy idea about bikes and no cars and anarchy and friendly, peaceful neighborhoods, kids with no power. And they influenced a nation, and then influenced nations around the world. One of their most spectacular ideas was of the 'White Bikes'. They wanted to stop driving in the center of the city and to do this they wanted to have the government supply the city with 20,0000 bikes each year. I mean, even half of that im sure would have such an amazing impact. But this party without any government help, by their own initiative took donated their own bikes, painted them white, accepted donations of bikes and painted them white and brought them around the city, they were just community bikes. Anyone could use them. Amazing, I could just walk down the street, find a bike, use it to get to the store, and leave it there for someone else to use later. So sweet. So trusting and kind and impressive. I dunno. I like it a lot.

The title of this entry really speaks in particular about one instance of history. I have always been pretty much completely against the use of nuclear bombs. I am against the building of them, and I am for the deconstruction of our current supply so that the United States has literally none left. We have to set an example for other states to follow. The point is that I believe that it was wrong to use nuclear weapons in world war II against Japan. The effects of were so destructive and terrible, cities leveled, a rediculous amount of civilians killed, and many painful long deaths resulted. Although it may be argued that lives were saved(on the american side mostly) and that the war would have dragged on much longer, but lets ignore that argument because I do not have the time to refute it. So, the point is that after this destruction came an amazing creation. The new Japanese culture, the new Japanese morals, and constitution. One of peace. After going through such an intense war, one that ended terribly and one that the new generation did not want to experience, and one that the current generation did not want to see ever again, the new Japanese constitution was formulated. The sovereigns of the nation took away the right of the government to go to war. No standing army was allowed. No nuclear weapons. None of that. Spectacular. I'm tired so im gonna end it here. But the point is that a lot of good can come out of bad. Creativity and invention come from the lowest points of peoples worlds. I'm not sure if that sentence makes sense but im leaving it. And im leaving. Later.

Even when life sucks, it good.

Even when life sucks, its good. Something really interested I learned this weekend. Its really a good thought. I enjoy thinking about it. I heard one of my bosses say it the other night, and it was something surprisingly optimistic. I never thought I would hear something like that from him. Somewhat insightful and thought provoking. Imagining that even at our lowest, life is still good, is something to dwell on. I mean, I do feel that right now, I have been a bit low, I have been working so much, and its been hard but, ya know...life is still good. Too bad it sucks now tho haha. Whatever. So anyway, the point right now is that what about other people at their lowest? Meth addicts, alcoholics on the streets? At their lowest is life still good? When it sucks, is it still good? Who knows? I dont. Just something else to think about. But you know, probably even at their lowest, they must have some true happiness. Or even false happiness. I mean whats the difference? Right? So anyway, I think I should go to sleep, maybe I'll elaborate on this idea tomorrow after I do 153 hours of work. Ill see you soon.