A New Blog

I just started up a new blog { The Lucid Dream Experiment } . I think its going to be good. I'm not sure if I mentioned in my last blog [which was an awesome entry if you didn't get to read it ] how this weekend one of my friend's mentioned how he has had a few occurrences lately of lucid dreams. His mentioning of this peaked my curiosity. As we all know a few things seriously intrigue me religion, drugs, hallucinations, girls, and I just really love dreaming. So lucid dreams are right up my ally. It is really the most vivid of dreams which are controllable, very much how drugs can interact with you're subconscious and how hallucinations can be peaked by you're imagination. Its awesome. So anyway, in that blog I will keep entries of dreams and hopefully I will lead myself into lucid dreams. Which will be awesome. I just have to make sure I keep up with it. I very much enjoy instant gratification and this will not be one of those scenarios.

I am too tired right now to blog here since I already wrote a quite substantial blog over there. So check that blog out and I'll be sure to be back here tomorrow.

Heavens where you go when you die

It was such an intense weekend.



I know I've said this before, but it was like so much happened and so little happened all at the same time. My weekend was encompassed in about 36 hours with a good friend of mine. We left New Brunswick Friday afternoon and got back Midnight the next day. I feel like I learned a lot about the people from back home. The great thing about life is always learning. The great thing about being young is always learning, and being eager to continue learning. And the great thing about life is that learning is not rooted in the classroom, its rooted in living. Its rooted in other people, and in experience.

I love knowing about the intimate details of peoples lives. I think that's why I love listening. When someone wants to tell me something, I love to hear it, I want to know what others don't. Almost selfishly. I spent time with friends from home this weekend that I do not always spend too much time with, but spending time with them is great. And spending time with them is new, and that's probably what makes it great. I'm happy to be getting back home and seeing familiar faces. This band is really helping me to do that.

With the band I keep thinking about what if we did get signed? The only reason I think that is because the only reason I wasn't in the band earlier is because I said I do not want to be that serious, if we get signed I would want to stay in school and all that. But, continuing to work with the band, makes me feel differently. I'll keep you updated on this feeling, but right now I think I would be interested in leaving school if we got signed. Not that we would make it huge, but we could do a fun little tour, and sell some music, and live music, and that could be fun. School will always wait for me, but I shouldn't sit back while opportunities and adventures fly by me like seasons.

Fall brings by a lot of interesting weather. Leaves die and fall off of trees, cracking, and crunching when people walk over them like tortilla chips. Tree's now bare, wait for the snow like children. For me, its only a pre-courser to the Winter, an even more treacherous season. I like to bundle up in bed, and I hate bundling up outside. Which makes Winter probably my least productive season. Probably everyone's least productive season.

I wanted to quickly touch on a subject which everyone has thought about or talked about or heard about. When we finally arrived at the bagel place this weekend after noon we discussed what its like to recognize flaws in you're parents. Is it recognizing flaws that makes them become real? Or is it become real that makes us recognize the realness of our parents?

I'll rephrase. When we get old enough to realize our parents are flawed, does that finally allow us to recognize that our parents are people too? Or is it our age in itself, because now we are real people(assuming that young age is essentially only growing until we become our true selves), we are able to correlate our lives with that of parents more easily, and in essence relate to their true emotions.

I don't exactly remember when I realized that my parents where two people. I do however now know that they are two people, two extremely different, unique, imperfect, and however great people.

My mom, she is extremely kind heart-ed, and accepting. I sometimes believe my mom is naive, and she is certainly dependent on others. Luckily, she has been able to adapt to being alone. She is a survivor, and a hard worker, a bit of a complainer, and she enjoys being creative. Small things can trigger excitement for my mom, and small things can also trigger her to become extremely nervous. Family for my mom is a weird place, because she is not accepted there. She is a loner in many ways, however, she finds friends to supplement the problems in her family relations. She is lucky to have her parents who appreciate her, and she is lucky to have me right now. In the future I know that she will be lucky to have my sisters as well. They just have some growing up to do. I think that for the two of them, recognizing my mom as a flawed person, and recognizing themselves as flawed people will help them accept her.

My dad is a free spirit. He thrives on his independence, but in his heart he needs to be embraced. Searching for himself will be the goal until he passes, because the search will never end. Its not a matter of maturity, or growing up, for my dad its a matter of purpose. What is his purpose? When my parents got divorced he lost a lot. Namely, he lost his children. We are still there for him, and keep in communication, but when you don't see someone everyday, or rely on them for money and food, the connection slowly fades. My dad will always be a spiritual person, much like me, he is a lover of learning. Unlike me, he is also very much a reader. He is not one to plan, he is a lover of travel, and he will always wait until the last minute. My dad will also stretch the truth even when it is completely unnecessary, however, diluted by his imagination, he believes much of it to be the truth. My dad has a gigantic heart, and will always help a friend in need, he is a great person, and I can only hope that his search is finite, however unlikely that may be.

I know that recognizing my parents as people allows me to treat them accordingly, and it allows me the privilege of relating to them on a different level. On a very genuine and honest level.

I decided that the tattoo I drew I am going to get. Hopefully this week but maybe next, I want to wait until I get better because I am currently sick. I'm going to get to bed now, I'll leave you with this awesome song by 'The Spill Canvas' enjoy:

The need for newness

I am always in search for something new. I recently pierced my ears 3 times myself in one week simply because I wanted something new. I consistently change my hairstyle and update my look because I get so easily bored of the old. I'm always in search of a new identity and something to grab everyone's attention. When I pierced my ears I thought 'hey, everyone will notice this new feature' but no one really did lol. But in the end do I change things more for myself or to get attention? I think it is a combination of both. I hate being the same all the time, it's so boring, and I have a great motivation to change things because I enjoy being the center of attention even if its for a moment.

Change can be good or bad. But when I change my look I usually take reversible risks. A reversible risk is a change in style, or my hair, or even my piercings because those are easy to take out, or I can easily regrow my hair. A tattoo is simply not so easily reversed. I drew up a new blue print. Here I'll show it to you. I think it may just be the one:

I sketched this one out in class and I immediately loved it. I really like the idea of having it in a frame for some reason, I don't know why but I think it looks cool, and it has the incorporation of the Pisces symbol, the representation of dark and light, and music. Really the frame and vines don't mean much their just for artistic purposes, just make it look cool. I think I'm going to get this on the back of my arm down my Triceps. I'm really happy with this one. I'm going to re-sketch it a few times and see if I can make any improvements but that is the basic idea for now. Anyone have any suggestions? I'm definitely open to them.

I'm just sitting in the Livingston library waiting for my group to get here. I have class here until 120 and we're meeting at 3 so I didn't want to go home and come back. The meeting will probably only last like 30 minutes so I'll try to get to the gym by 430 and be ready by 6 probably for this awesome night(I hope) lol. I always look too much forward to certain things and then I'm let down. Plus, I'm stillll sickk! I really hope its not anything serious. I should probably go to the health center today but I don't want them to tell me something that will ruin my night. I'll just go grab some mucinex and cough drops.

I'll leave you with this aweeesome video:

Looking Forward to the Weekend

These weeks have been flying by. Its Monday next thing you know its Tuesday, then Wednesday night, and once Thursday comes the weekends over and I'm writing my Sunday night blog. Its outrageous. Is it good that these weeks go so quickly? I think so, I love it, its like not having to stress over wanting it to be the weekend already because it already is. I have a party for my boys birthday this weekend and its back at home so I'm looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to this whole weekend because I'll be spending it with my old friends, drinking, playing music, and reconnecting, hopefully hooking up with some young girl from back home. There's always promiscuous ladies at these parties with people back at home. For some reason getting with me is like a prize for these girls, so its never to difficult to find one. Good for me, good for them, that's what matters.

I know that tomorrow will fly by also, it feels like tomorrow night already, I'll go to class, nap?, gym, study, class, and I'll be back here popping some bottle most likely, sleep and Friday afternoon will already come. Its great how that happens, but thinking about it makes things go a bit slower. Maybe that's why things have been going slower, I have been living more in the moment and thinking less about craving a specific point in the week, something I used to do more often. Ohh I can't wait for Thursday! Now it just happens.

Band practice today was pretty good. I'm getting there, I definitely need to practice more but it'll come. I can't force it too much, I'm not good with learning songs, I just study techniques more but when I have a riff to study it is quite similar, just play it over and over until I get it down. That's my style, I can play one riff forever trying to master it.

So apparently my optimal lover is a Cancer.

{"PISCES & CANCER: - You belong together. You are both sensitive, weepy and love to dwell in self-pity. This is a great match, certainly lasting, however someone negative and moody."}

I'll be keeping my eyes out for ladies born under the Cancer sign. June 22 - July 22. I wonder who I know born during that time. One thing I was reading about is that Pisces in general get too caught up in a dream of a 'perfect' woman, which is something I definitely do. I have a pretty specific list of traits my girl must have. So I guess...maybe I should try to lighten up. Ok I can't stop being distracted, I'll see you later.

Pisceans and Politics

I have been continuing my research of astrology and particularly my sign. It's so weird how much I relate to the qualities associated with my sign. I was reading some of the comments of the other Pisceans and so much of what they say I relate so directly too with my own personality and experiences. I have mentioned in this blog how I am considered 'too nice' by many people, and how I see my self as someone who constantly adapts my personality depending on who I'm with, and I always mention my love for music and need for creativity, my need to get away when I'm feeling drained. And I almost always make decisions based on intuition. Are these idea's that everyone feels themselves relating so closely to? I don't think so. It really doesn't end there but those are some things I know I have mentioned in particular. The other thing is thought is that obviously there are millions and millions of pisces out there, I mean thousands of people alone probably born the exact same day as me. Not all of them would identify with the atributes of a pisces. So what does this mean? Does it mean that its all a falicy? Or is it like any other generalization and stereotype, based off of truths that simply cannot always be right?

I stoped blogging and passed out so now its the next afternoon and I will continute blogging about something completely different. So I woke up yesterday feeling like I had a fever and my throat really had hurt since sunday. This worries me because I have been spending a lot of time with a girl who has herpes(just as friends) and I dont want to be like prejudice against her and ward her off or something but I fear getting herpes. Herpes is with you for life. Really limits sexual activity and prospects for love as well as I see it. One of the symptoms for onset of herpes is a fever, and another is swelling of the gland in your throat. Worries me much? Yes. I gotta get to hurtado and get um to check me out. I actually had this same scare when I found out about her initially having herpes. I do worry a lot about STD's as I have mentioned in the past.

MIA - Paper Planes, good song. I will go to the gym today. I skipped yesterday but I'm considering it my day off for the week so I will go every day til sunday now. I skipped 2 days last week, so bad. I attibute my sickness to a weekend of heavy partying and now legitimate excersize(walking between parties doesn't count).

It is election day.

I went to my home town to vote. In and out, no lines. I knocked into the drummer from my old band. Actually really good to see him. He is a really good guy, he's just getting back into school. I'm glad that I made the decision to go right to college, I can see from kids older then me that chose not to go right to college how hard it is for them. 2 classes here, a semester off, 3 classes, a year off back to 2 classes. But back to the election, I definitely will call it for Obama, I think most people are. If its not him then the system must be seriously flawed because every poll shows Obams in the lead. My roommate is taking a nap, I think I might try to take a quick nap too. I slept like shit last night. It was terrible.

Go Ask Alice

I feel like that book, I think the title is 'Go Ask Alice' or something like that. One of the only books that have ever caught my attention long enough for me to finish it. I am not a reader, but anything related to drugs always interests me. I find it so fascinating how }ensnaring{ drugs can become, and how a person's entire life and personality can shift. So that's why I love that book. But I feel like her because it is essentially a diary and she has so many ups and downs and that's just life. Life is full of ups and downs and changes and stagnation's. So interesting; so different. I was reading back to some of my older blogs as I like to do from time to time, and the one year anniversary of my blog was Oct. 14th. If you go back to that blog, my life was so similar and so different back then. The 7 friends who I once considered my 'best friends' are barely a glimmer on my acquaintance radar, with the exception of my main man, my current roommate. He and I probably had more in common then we ever knew. This situation is a blessing that we are now stuck together, because I think we're good for each other. But lets remember, those who I considered my best friends a year ago, are now people who I rarely bother to wave to on the street. I can only hope that doesn't happen to my current roommate and I.

}I would be much closer to alone at that point.{

Don't really have to worry about that now. Reading about my life in the past is a good exercise I feel like. I enjoy it. I can see how things are so similar, my worries and fears are so similar and it feels sooo long ago. In reality, it's been barely a year. I can actually remember that night when I first wrote my blog.

I have been thinking a lot about the future. What am I going to do? More College? That almost seems like the easiest thing to do. It also seems like the most awesome, I feel that grad school would be great because I could focus more on my main interests, and discover what I want to do. But it will probably be only more scary to enter the real world, for failure would be still ever imminent. I never used to worry so much about failing in my future. Its one thing I have been consistently confident about, I do believe in my ability to succeed at what I do, but what will I do is the question? If I have no direction, failure won't be far from view.

I'm going to try to get myself to bed now. I'll catch up with you tomorrow.

This is a College Town

Rutgers - - Such a college town. 3am hundreds of kids running form party to party dressed up in all different completely ridiculous and awesome costumes. Red cups float through houses like pollen in the spring and the smell of marijuana is evident in all areas. Pizza available til 4am and Deli's open 24/7. 3pm, kids just getting themselves up, heading down to the local bagel shop and dining hall for an all too available breakfast when most of the time zone is finishing lunch or fixing up dinner. The walk of shame even more obvious when still in costume and kegs being rolled back to their home at Pete's Liquors. Awesome. I love it all.

Sunday, we all try to make up for the long weekend marathon by getting to the library before it strikes one. But we're all so lucky because the clocks just turned back, giving us an excellent extra hour of sleep. Yet another good weekend here at Rutgers. I have been definitely enjoying my semester more then in the past. I realized that I am definitely happy. Which I'm glad about. It's an ever prominent goal in my life. Happiness is literally the goal highest on my list, and all subsequent goals are essentially tactical goals to achieve my greatest need.

I don't think I'm going to exactly review the weekend because I do that too often, it was a classic Halloween. Costumes and beer, I was so sick from drinking on Saturday that I threw up at least 4 times slept til 2, went to eat(didn't eat anything) came home and slept until 5:50. Woke up, went to Philly for a bit, came back, and went out again. The most important thing to note about this weekend was that I was chillin with the NoG from last weekend(see last weekends post for a definition. I am becoming more attracted to her which is a good sign, I just need to not fuck it up by becoming the friend. So far I'm not there yet, but being a pussy and not making a move is not helping things because she is making it perfectly obvious what her intentions are, but its a difficult situation because she just got out of a long relationship with someone I am familiar with and she is what is known as a nice girl. Of course my favourite type of girl.

I am also happy because I feel like there is some consistency in the availability of fun now in my life. I am also happy because I feel that my ambition to get out there and party is having a direct and positive effect on the life of my roommate. He was sticking in the room and now he's coming out all the time, really working towards the goal. He's having a good time and I'm really happy about that. Its funny that my ambition now adays is getting out and partying. I really need to set some higher goals for myself. I need to find myself a job and an internship for the summer. I can't move backwards as much as I would like too. When you drain yourself dry like a raisin, you feel the need to bring back you're life. I definitely felt that need and now I'm feeling a bit lazy. It is what it is for now though, I'll find myself something to do.

I'm scared to go back to work, work changes things. I feel like I want to keep my life how it is in a way, I'm worried that working will bring in a whole new range of changes to my life.

Music.
I'm on the verge, I'm on the verge. Jack's Mannequin is a great, great band. If you're looking for something to listen to, and you want to check out something ridiculously awesome, if you're ready for greatness, listen to Jack's Mannequin. Their first album 'Everything in Transit' - I think its their first album but I could be wrong, ill refrase, their most popular album listed above, is so great. It combines catchy piano and keyboard melodies with simple guitar leads and drum beats and simply amazing lyrics and vocal melodies. Pick it up, very good feeling music with mostly major key tonalities, but when they go minor its also extremely well done. You feel that you know the lead singer really well, and that's an important part of connecting with this style of music.

I have extremely diverse tastes in music. I think everyone says that because they think just because they listen to hip hop and indie rock makes them diverse. I'd say it makes them more diverse then some. But I listen to everything from old school rap, gangster rap, hip hop, r&b, hardcore, metal, classic rock, jazz, classical, blues, indie rock, getting into techno, progressive rock, acoustic, jam, indie girl singers, and jazz singers. I think that might be mostly all I listen too. The only genres I'm not that into are punk/ska(too upbeat I think for me), and I don't listen to too much country(just never really got into it), I like both of those genres but don't really have them on my playlists. I think what differntiates me musically specifically is the blues/jazz that I listen to, metal/hardcore, and the indie girl singers(which a lot of girls are into but not so much dudes).

Ok, I would like to blog further and I might add to this later with somethings I forgot but I should actually study now since Im at the library.
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Sorry, I felt like being extremely immature for a minute there. It says 69 posts if you can't see it clearly. I kind of just wanted to play around with computer screen shots which I've never done before but I think I might do it more often from now on. I'm out of the library and feeling extremely tired. I felt like I slept pretty well too, this morning I felt so rejuvenate since I wasn't hung over as shit. Anyway, funny funny story. So I pierced my ears 3 more times. To literally quadruple my piercing count to 4. And no one had mentioned or noticed it, but I knew somehow that the girl that I slept with a little while ago that I mentioned would notice when I saw her. And less then 5 minutes into seeing each other again she noticed. Kind of weird right? Still the only one to notice. Strange how I knew she would notice and she did very quickly. I feel bad for her because she has been completely sucked in to this internship. It stinks but she loves it so let it be.

While I was at the library, the NoG was there, and I could swear that she saw me but didn't come say hi, and I was with my friend(who is like her bf) and they were texting but she didn't come by. This worries me. I know I'm being paranoid but either one of two things is happening, she is purposely ignoring me, or she just doesn't care enough to say hi. Both of which are bad by the way. I think I fucked this one up too. But there's plenty of time, I've missed golden opportunities with girls before and turned it around. It always depends on the girl. Chances are I will see this girl a lot more often.

I'm being really lazy right now, eating pasta, not going to the gym, not studying or socializing. I feel like I get this way alot by evening on Sundays. Lackadasical and somewhat depressed in a way. But really its not actually depression, just apathy I guess in a way. At the library I was talking with my friend, she wants to live together next year, seems like it might be a good idea. Just me, her and my current roommate. Or maybe one more, and a dog of course. I do like it here, but change is always good too. Something to consider.