Life Update

Word, Im at the library. Supposed to be studying but I thought I would take a quick blog break. I have been enjoying finals time lol. I feel like I have more free time to just relax, relax and study. I finished up at the restaurant, and last week I made it to number 1 intern in Jersey so I'm feelin pretty good about that. I have been enjoying just studying by myself and getting it done, no other people or distractions. My roommates have been annoying me worse then ever of course. I mean its all psycological, in my head I say their annoying and then everything they do gets on my nerves. Really Im just angry about the whole situation and I cant wait to get out of it. Moving is going to be nice, and now I am getting a bit nervous about that lol. But it should be fun I think. I gotta get to the gym lol. I have missed alot cause I was sick. But I gotta get out there before I move, I mean we're living with three hot ass girls, I gotta be lookin fly.
I am pumped to get over there tho. I'm pumped for tuesday when finals are over and school is done! Then Im just going big time internship on the ASAP. Its gonna be serious. I'm like a scavenger, watching out for like every girl. I have been thinking a lot about my ex. It sucks. I just want a girl like that. Whatever. I think I'll probably pull a 3.0 or 3.2(Im in the midst of adding labels and I ended up with a 3.5) this semester which I'm pretty damn happy with after working so much thats not fuckin bad dude. I do like being me. It's not bad. I just gotta get some chillin time in. Get away from the negativity of my house and get back to my roots. Chill with the homies. Find a good girl to settle down with. Hopefully something creeps up this summer. I'm excited to go see my dad this weekend. I'm taking off a bit early to go get some dinner with him in the city with my sisters. Thats the word.
I dont know I thought I had some more thoughts to go over but I really dont have that much. Maybe later I will. I always have the same thoughts anyway. You can read last weeks blog and itll be the same lol. I just need to periodically flush um out. Cool dude. Back to work. Later babe.

I can't wait to get out dude

Seriously, I cannot wait to move. And honestly, after the summer I just feel like transferring, this environment is really draining for me now. Life has been just been hard lately. You know I've got class, work, and the internship and its freakin busy as hell. I am currently one of the top interns in the nation though, so that feels good. Its starting to pay off. I can't wait for school to end. I don't think I really did all that well this semester. We'll see how it ends up. I'm gonna be getting a grade back on a paper today, that'll have a pretty serious impact on my grade. I'm a slacker this semester. The summer is going to be very stressful, but hopefully fun. I set a dollar goal for myself, and if I do that much in sales I will have made about 30,000 by the end of the summer. So thats not too bad for a college kid.
I had a dream last night which fuckin sucked. It was with the girl that I have been thinking a lot about lately, and she came up to me and my friend and starts talking to her and she invites my friend to go to this show or something that she's in and doesnt invite me to go. Everyone of my friends but me was really invited. And its pretty much just a reflection of reality. About 2 or 3 weeks ago I get home from work and my friends are heading out and they're like, 'are you coming', and I didnt know where, and they were heading to this girls house for a party that she said nothing to me about. Me and this girl used to be mad tight, me and my friends used to be mad tight, shit just got wack over this year. I don't really know how to fix it all you know? I mean I can see how I pretty much created this environment for myself by working so much. But you know I'm at the point where I have to work, and now I just can't get out of a lot of my obligations. Its not my fault that these kids are fuckin lazy, and privileged, and don't work a fuckin day, sit around and can still afford to smoke weed, with their parents money. Its ridiculous. Life man. What can I do. I have a lot to think about. I just know this last month in the house may just be miserable. Atleast the next 2 weeks during finals, if they move back home then shit will be good. Hopefully they do.

6ft Small

I was watching made today. The kid could not read his lyrics to his friends and made coach, I felt bad for him, but I realize and know that what is holding me back from writing lyrics is my fear of people hearing them also. So I began to write and I came up with stuff I liked. I mean they coach said just write down everything that comes to your mind and it can become lyrics eventually its just your feelings. And I really do that with this blog most of the time, just write out my thoughts. So here goes, here is some of what I wrote to guitar something along these lines atleast:

Its 11 oclock, its 11 oh 1,
I'm sitting here dreaming of the morning sun,
Because I know this night will be just like the rest,
I'll try to be natural, and dress my best.

I want you to give me this last appeal,
I need to see if this how I truely feel,
Is one first kiss to much to ask?
If you dont like it it can be our last.

Through this claustrophobic house I can see your face,
I try to smile and make my last and final case,
thats what I said the last time,
I try to smile and make my last and final case,
that what I said the last time.


I want you to give me this last appeal,
I need to see if this how I truely feel,
Is one first kiss to much to ask?
If you dont like it it can be our last.

I wrote you this song because I can barely speak,
When I see you I just feel so damn weak,
I have this cryptonite I keep close to my heart,
It hurts so bad but I just can't fuckin part!

I wrote you this song because I can barely speak,
When I see you I just feel so damn freakin weak,
As the shadows fall upon me I watch this come apart,
Like a torn seam, from my quilted heart.

So give me this last appeal,
I need to see if this how I truely feel,
Is this kill to much to ask?
Its not your first, won't be your last.
Its not your first, won't be your last.

Not bad dude, Not bad. Letting those feeling out, you feel me? Are those lyrics corny? I guess really in a lot of ways all lyrics are corny. I think I might try this when I get home and see how it goes. I wrote alot of this just now actually. This is really about this party we had this past weekend, that damn girl that I fuckin liked forever was there of course and its just like I want to just pull her in and kiss her and see how it goes, but I dont have the guts lol, I mean I know that wouldnt go over well lol. Anyway, I really have to get going on my paper now and finish my tax extension filing, I'll catch u negros later.

Look into your eyes without shakin

My main issue in life is my assertiveness. I need to develop that part of myself. And I need to develop it this week. Ha, I have to be able to tell people how it it, and just be very a matter of fact about it. This is this and that is that, and its true, you can't question me cause I am right, take it or leave it. I pinpointed some major cracks in my estimating system and to fix a crack you have to caulk the seam by running a bead of caulk down it, smoothing it out with your thumb and then painting over that to protect the caulk and blend it in with the home. So I have to fill my crack and blend it in with myself. Be assertive while still keeping my original personality. Just having people trust me as I am. Two things I will break them down into two categories which were broken down for me.

1. Make them like you.
-Build Rapport, ask questions
-Include Facts about yourself
-Why are you doing this?
-Done at kitchen table.
-Must build trust.
-10 minutes minimum rapport building
-Keep asking questions about themselves

You know its wierd

Life is just wierd. My life is wierd., I fuckin messed up tonight at work, and last week at work was wierd, and I just feel like quiting. My roommates fuckin married to this chick and she's cool but it fuckin sucks that they are always around always. Sigh, who knows, how did my life turn out this way? Its surreal, its wierd, I feel like the characters on lost. How did they turn up there, how did I turn up here? Sorta wierd how I did get to this point, I remember what led me here. Its all got to do with money and a girl. Mostly a girl. I had to get away, and I did. Too far away. But I found something in the process,something I loved, and hated, and now I am just stuck in something that I regret. Somethere far from where I want to be. But I have to be. I hope I find my way out of this soon. I know this is all very ambiguous but for me it doesnt matter because I only really write this for me. I can read it and understand, if you read all of my blog you may be able to decifer this. Over time I have spoken much about this girl, and work, and life. How it all fits together. Not easy, and very hard, I do not know where I am going to go from here, you know? Where am I headed after this semester? For the summer? Probably not the beach with my college buddies like last year. Probably lots of work, and fun fun fridays with my coworkers and such. Wierd how you are already friends with people you work with, its so easy to be friends with them...and often times, all you can find to discusss, is work. Why is that such a solid base for a friend ship. I'm not really so sure. I lover writing these because they make me think really deeply about my position and i get dragged around through many aspects of my life, I think I might theme every blog from this week, we'll see. I am tired and going to sleep. Laaaaater.

I need to reflect

This week really does require quite a lot of reflection. A lot happened, and a little happened, and too much happened, and too little happened, my life was good, and my life was terrible. I was on the top and on the bottom, I don't really know. I am working so hard its not even funny, I must have done atleast 80 hours this week, I didnt go home for spring break, or hang with friends, or celebrate easter, I worked. Every day. Thats too much. But the fact is, I worked that much because I wasn't seeing results, and I need to see them. If I dont I have to work harder, and now I just need to work even harder, but I can't so I dont really know where to go with this. I'm getting really frustrated. I actually went backwards from where I was. Backwards! After all that work. This is in the internship by the way. After all that I ended up with a cancellation! AHHH so frustrating. Hm anyway. I dont feel like talking about that anymore. You know what imporant to me, girls. I can't figure out how im gonna find a girl that I like. You know whats wierd. I think for the first time I am genuinely happy for someone when I should be upset. I hope that means that I'm growing and maturing. I just got to get to bed im so fuckin tired and ready to sleep, I don't feel like having my roommates back, I dont feel like going to class, exams suck, lifes wierd, I want a girl, that I like a lot, good night.

I thought it was a good day

I was looking out of the crowded bus today, listening to music, and just looking through the trees at the sun. It was so beautiful out today and it really made for a good day. It made all of the walks between class and meetings and everything so pleasant. It enhances life quite a bit. I met with zack today, had a good meeting. Over viewed the weekend. I had a fairly successful weekend I would say. Booked a job, did 7 estimates, and we got 19 leads. My marketers do such a great job for me, but its hard to afford them. Working at daryl has not even covered the cost of marketers yet. Well, hopefully everything runs even better next week. Im pumped cause I have Zach coming out with me to 3 estimates this weekend. Its good to have him come out cause I guess it gives me an excuse to not book it. If hes there then I am not to blame for not booking the job. I just realized that thats the reason. But really even more importantly it give me a better chance at booking it I feel like. I mean he wants to book me a job bad since he didnt the first weekend so hopefully we book all 3 this weekend and I'll be so happy. I mean if we book one of 3 ill be pumped and then hopefully I can book atleast one more from next weekend,and one from last.

I have been thinking non stop about girls, honestly it haunts my thoughts. I just want a good girl. Someone to chill with. I would make room for her in my schedule and cut things out. I just want to have someone to connect with. Currently, I need that connection more then ever. I realized that I am back to junior year of high school.You know? I thought that I had never been in this type of position before, but I have. Junior year I had no solid friendships, plenty of friends but nothing super strong, I never really do anyway, but I also had no girl and pledged that the next girl that shows interest in me I'll date. And I did that, and it turned out great. I can't do that now though. I need a stong relationship. Someone I can really connect with and talk to, and have sex with of course. Hm, its interesting how everything works out. Here I am, 17 years old. I am just much more ambitious and driven then I was, I push myself to my limits instead of being bored. Its good, but I'm also ready for that vacation. Ready to hit europe. Get drunk. Smoke. Have fun, be a kid. I spotted some Wendy's cups and bags sitting down in the parking lot, and it just reminded me of when I was in HS going to Mcdonalds and taco bell and eating in the parking lot on a nice day. And just having aimless nights and days, who cares what we're doing now, cause we dont know where we're going after this. Once we had a hide and go seek game in our town! With cars, just for fun. It was such a good time, and a waste of time. I mean, I want to have more time for those wastes. Less for work. I'm gonna bounce cause my bat's dying. I'm gonna shower and get to bed. <3