No World For Tomorrow

I came to a realization. It's really just the way that I am programmed. When I meet people who I believe I may actually have a future with, people whom I envision, or can clearly see that we will spend time together in the near and distant future, I withdraw. Psychologically, my mind can tell that I am in a situation where my impression matters, where what I say, how I act, and who I am with, matters. And with that I worry, and I withdraw, I become shy, I cannot make comments and questions and be who I like to be, have the same level of confidence, intelligence, or charm. I do not often meet people who meet these requirements, people who matter right off of the bat, people who I can tell may impact my life. For instance, my family is one case, not my immediate, but only my more distant family...aunts, uncles, cousins, even grandparents. Only recently have I come more out of my shell with these people. And only for one reason, I have unconsciously realized how little they may impact my present and future. I can avoid them all I want, they do not often contact me exclusively, only my parents. I can really enjoy my time with them more easily because they do not have a necessarily long term or consistent effect on my life. Its interesting. I am certainly weird I feel like.

Its similar to the way I react to girl friends parents. When I meet parents of friends of mine I can charm them to no end, they always love me, mom's I would have to say especially, and I can get my personality out. I have a good time with them really. But once I am dating their girl, I get nervous making jokes, or comments, or anything, because they now may have a long term position in my life. And I may also have a position in theirs. It makes sense that I do not want to jeopardize my situation with them by screwing up with words, however, it doesnt make sense that the only people who actually matter, I can barely show my true colors to. I surely don't know my own self as well as I would like, but I would like the people who matter to see as much of my true personality as I can allow to come out for others. Its annoying. We'll. I think that may be all I really have to say for tonight.

I started this semester, and its hard already. Too much reading. What can I do? Also, I have been considering a few new career paths. I am becoming further and further immersed in the political field, in how it works, and who is involved, and why maybe I would like to be involved. I have considered becoming something in the field of law or politics. Maybe a lawyer or something in that field, maybe just a politician of sorts. I think I have the ability to stay honest and make good judgments even if I were involved in a field as dirty and corrupt as Law. Law may be one of the dirtiest and more corrupt fields to be in. But some good people have to be in it. And maybe I'll be one of them. Maybe not. We'll have to see. I've got time.

The Fifth Element

Im sittin here watchin the fifth element. Chillin out. I went out for a little while, to chill with the girls. Chill with that girl that im hookin up with. Waste of my time to go over there. I didn't want to but I got suckered into it. Oh man, life really is like a crazy game. Thats all it is, I mean, we just live at some point, where ever our memories begin, and then end. Like, at some point, we don't even really remember things anoymore. A lot of people develope Alzheimer's and things like that, were just delerious or have no ability to make decisions for ourselves. All I'm saying is that, life is wierd, I mean, its like living in a book or something. I dont even know where I'm going with all anyway. The point is that life is just wierd. Like tonight I was hanging out, sleeping, job hunting, chilling with those girls, and I didn't really enjoy my day. Why not? Two days ago I hung out, chilled with my homie, played guitar, went out to the bar with some girls, and I had a great night. What the big difference? Is it the group of people? My attitude? It really is all attitude. Ay. Whatever. She was looking good tonight. Thats a plus. But. I still want another girl. I still want a perfect girl. A girl I'll never find. I still want that girl that I'm still in love with. I just need to work the game of life in my favor somehow. But how? Thats the real question. I'm a total dork. I'm really fake I think. I don't every know what I want. I'm crazy. I'm actually not crazy. But everything else, I am. I should talk to a shrink about all of my thoughts. Maybe they will give good advice. Eh, im out. Peace.

Night

Its night time. I'm in my room, 320 in the morning. Im done blogging. It was a fun night. I'm excited for tomorrow night. I'll write again soon. I had a good blogging time earlier, so hopefully I'll write again soon. Love you! Bye!

Back here

I'm just sitting around the house. Feeling a bit low. I dont really know why. I just think its because I dont really like having everyone around again. Its a little bit stressful. Having my room and having the house to myself was all really nice. I made the decisions. If they're here I cant really go out with my other friends when I want and I cant watch what I want to watch do what I want to do. You know? Just like everything with the other guys now is just a little fake, not the same and its just stupid. I don't feel comfortable the way I should, its just forced. I wish I could just honestly move somewhere and meet all new people, I think I would enjoy that. At least for a little while I would enjoy it. A new school, a new dorm, its probably like the only way for me to really learn about myself. Its too constricted here. I can't really decide what I want, or where I want to go, or who I want to be with. Anyway, what can you do?

So, I am so stuck on that girl still. It really sucks I have no idea how to get myself away from that, its so frustrating. The other night I had a dream with her in it, and I just knew Im deep in again. Havnt even seen the hoe in like 4 weeks. Fuck it man. She texted me right before I had sex with the other girl too. Wierrrd yo. Not really but honestly I'm starting to feel a little bad about having sex with that other girl cause there's no feelings at all in it for me and I know there are for her. Shes just texting me and shit all the time. Who knows man. I just want it to end and find a new girl. I want to go out with my work friends tonight, things are very nice and relaxed when I'm with them. They are all like in very real points in they're lives and very open and vulnerable, its good to see a genuine side of someone. I appreciate that they show me that side of them. I have so much trouble showing my vulnerable side, aka. this side of me. What I write here I just pray no one that I ever meet reads. Its really for me to just get out my feelings and I appreciate that I can do that. Hm.

I just bought a new car that I am so in love with. I'm living like a poor man right now tho. Need a job bad. Ill survive. I just dont have the money to go spend time on my own anymore though. The one thing that keeps me sane. I went to B&N to get some time alone, and relax, and I bumped into someone I knew, I was angry about it, not too nice to her, very stand offish, I felt bad. But I couldn't even help myself, I just didn't want to know anyone there. IT feels good to just spend time to myself, doing something. Not just sitting in front of the TV or anything. Writing, playing guitar, driving, even just walking around. I dont want to go to this party tonight. I know both the girl I have feelings for and the girl I have sex with will be there. I'm going to have to drink myself away from the situation. To deal with it. I dont want to spend time with either of them right now. I can hopefully get drunk then go meet up with some of my other friends at a bar or something. Relax.

I feel bad not really liking my current friends. I feel deceitful. They are really good people. Just not people that I feel I can open up to at this point. It's to late for that. I am listening to this CD I just bought its 'Between the Trees'. I like them. Just picked um out of random. From the name. Attracted me. Looking for like a hardcore band of sorts. I knew they'd be good because they thanked Jesus first. Christian rock bands are always good. No matter what. I'm not even christian I just have figured it out. Lol. Anyway. I'm going out for a bit. Ill see ya soon.

New Year

I was looking at my last post and its like I go from being a sucker to a god ha. But thats just like how it is, I'm both of those. But really I'm not a god ha I just sometimes think highly of myself. But I am definitely a sucker too. I am really way too nice sometimes and it makes me a sucker. Anyway on to my New Years Eve which I was looking forward too and I had a really good time.

I went to work as always around 3pm, set up and I served until about 10. Then I worked behind the bar for the rest of the night. I had some catching up to do. So I made a whole lotta shots. It was so much fun, because we werent that busy but I still made money, so I got to make drinks, make some for the other servers, it was really just a lot of fun. Then we left and went out to my friends, he cooked, we ate, and played some pool, I got to take lots of alcohol home. Got home around 7am. Tomorrows the last day the restaurant is supposed to be open. Should be fun. Going out after. I shouldnt drink lol. I drank like 5 out of the last 7 days. Thats too much lol. I need to cut down, but im so bored here with no one else in new bruns. So I go out.

Hm. I'm gonna finish watching zoolander. Later.

Im def a god sometimes

So tonight was proof. I was at work, I lost about a hundred and then one it all back, got like 4 bottle of alcohol and then a ride home. Sat at home, talked to my sister online and watched some really depressing videos and then I get a call from a friend of mine. She wants me to go out with her. Actually, her friend told her to call me cause she wanted to see me. The 29 year old girl I was talking about last week. Helloooo. I was so right. This girl wants me. We were chillin, then I was like I'm going home, then she's like no we're going to my apartment, we all went there. And I didn't want to really stay there and fight over her with this other dude that was there, but she obviously wanted me, she kept touching my leg and staring me in the eyes and shit, classic signs after calling me. But my friend wanted to leave and I wanted to walk her home so I left. I can only hope that I see her this weekend, with no other guys around to fight with. Its annoying, dudes are always trying to get with girls so its hard to find a cute girl with no competition. But I think I have that shit in the bag if I try. Which is good. I'm really just happy to know that my 19 yr old ass can scam on a 29 yr old cute girl and have a chance at all. Its redic.

Hm, I had something to say but I forget what it was. I yea I remember. I think I purposely do things like walk my friend to get out of difficult situations. Like I could have stayed but then I would have had to find a way to make sure I get this girl and if I didn't I would have been all upset and shit. You know? So I am like running away so that I dont set myself up to possibly fail. I possibly could have been to shy to fight for her, unless she came to me, I probably wouldnt have gone to her, you know? I mean I am 10 years younger. So I think I probably do things like that just so that I dont see myself fail, I need to work on that. Just be more of a risk taker. I dont really want to discuss christmas. It wasnt too great, same as every year. A little depressing. So, I am going to skip that blog. Til another day when I feel like talking about family shit. So I am going to go to bed almost four in the morning already. Catch you later.

<3

Im a sucker.

I'm giving you two days worth in this blog. What an intense two days, what an epic two days. Ha, you will be disapointed by the word epic, because it certainly was not. Obviously, I'm ending the night at 1am writing a blog...That says it all.

I am remembering that the last time I wrote was at my work, writing a brief blog. Well that night was so great. I think I mentioned how I was looking forward to work, and how great it was. At the end of the night I was drunk, getting free drinks for me and my friends, my friend max and his friend nick came by, and I really love those guys, Max is such a great person, I dont know nick to well but he is a good friend of Max and he seems real cool. Anyway, I was drunk and I made so much money playing C-low, it was sick. Then my coworkers friend was there and I was just flirting a little bit with her, but in the end of the night after we left my place of work, me her and my two coworkers went to her place to drink a little more. And we played jax and I did some guitar. I am giving all the details away so if anyone involved reads this they'll know, but I dont really care right now. So anyway, I was feeling this girl, I always thought she was cute, but I was getting a vibe from her, and I know the vibe. I was really putting the game on her in the end just telling her im interested...I find out shes 29! Shes way older then me! More then 50 percent my life! Thats alot, but she seriously did want it, she was asking my co worker, "is he really 19, is he really 19?" I was like NO! But it is the truth so too bad, missed out on that cute girl,I want her, maybe soon. She wont, too old, damnit!

So then we went to Shana's, yup I have up a name, my coworker, I'm to drunk to care about secrecy right now. We hit 711 and got mad food, I paid since I made that money, and we talked like all night about how I like this girl who's party I hit up tonight. Its like, ahhhhhh, you know, ive written multiple times, I love this girl, shes too much for me! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! i'll never get it, I hate this whole thing. its killing me, thats why I'm here early tonight. Typing. So stupid. I could be having a good time getting drunk where I work or something, If I was over this girl I could be at her place having fun. I'm so stupid. So fuckin Stupid. I'll never get over it, and I'll never learn.

Lets roll over to today, (ps last night I went to bed at 6 and slept on my friends floor), ok so today I woke up, got my contacts in and got some food.

I really dont understand some people, I ordered coffe and a bagel at dunkin donuts, and I saw this girl and she was definately feeling down, my order cost me 3 dollars, and I felt bad for her so I tipped 2 dollars, 66 percent. Thats good. And she didnt even acknoledge me, stilll! Like really! say thank you? look at me? anything, she didnt even look at me! And then I got my bagel and neither did the guy who got it for me...like im nothing? No attention to me. I said thank you so much, he doesnt even look at me, piss me off.

Thats that. I went to go see the girl I'm hooking up with off. Went to chill a bit. Shes leaving for Cali. So I went there, chilled, she's cute, but she complains too much. Lets continue...I proceeded to go buy kegs like a bitch for the girl I like, I fucking hate it, why did I help her? I'm a bitch, I'm really getting upset right now, this is going to be the longest blog I have. She makes me feel so low. Like scum. Why do I deserve to try so hard, and get nothing? I really want this girl, and I cant have her, I never will, and I'll never give up, ahahdg;alkjg;aoidjga;odisjf! I couldnt even write ahhh, too frustrating. Insane. So work was alright, just played CLow made some money and hung out, drank plenty of vodka on the job, but its all good,. Ate some whipped potatoes, normal night. I dont know where my train of thought was, but I am going to steal so much stuff from work now that I know were closing, I'm stealing the shit out of it, fuck that place! fuck it!

I am going to miss my co workers so much.

Fuck the manager.

Fuck. So after work, I went to Rachel's, thats code for the girl I love from now on. Rediculous, I had a real good time with my boys, but thats not enough, I need attention from the ladies, pretty much rachel especially but it doesnt happen. The only girl I get any attention from is girls I'm not interested it. I would hook up with some of them, but its not enough for me when the big R is around. Not enough. I'm a sucker. I'm changing the title right now. I can't win. I cant wait for new years eve, I'm getting so drunk. SooooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOoooOOOOOooooo DRUNK! I think maybe I may be an alchy soon. I hope not. Listen, I cant even express my feelings right now, I need to go to sleep. Good convo,loove you, good night!