Learning to be Natural

I noticed that one thing that I need help with is learning to be natural. People respond to openness, and people respond to your true personality more then anything else. Its appreciated. Its appreciated as a server, its appreciated as a bar tender, and its appreciated as a sales person. If you're trying to sell something, even if people want it, or need it, want they really need to see that you mean what you say. Even if you don't. They need to believe that you do, and they'll believe it if you can show a genuine side of yourself. Your true personality has to come out when your interacting with people. If they smell your fear, or they can see that your not feeling strongly about your product, then your going to have a hard time. The best thing that I'm going to learn this year is how to be natural. We all know that I have trouble with that. I don't even know if theres anyone that I am really myself with. So learning to show my genuine personality will help me in building all types of relationships. I see my bosses at both of my jobs show natural personality, it comes out with ease, and thats what I need.



This is a video by will.i.amof the black eyed peas. Its a musical rendition of a speech made by Barack Obama. I am becoming more confident in Baracks ability to lead our nation. There are no doubts in my mind at this point. He is the person to do it. He makes me feel comfortable, and excited about the future of our nation. If he was president, when he is elected, I will cry. Its going to be a great day. I am become more against the idea of Hilary, and I do not want McCain, and I just believe that a nation with Barack will be one of much more unity then the one we are currently in. He has the ability to bring good people behind him, put strong players into his cabinet and that will help our nation be strong and help our nation get back on its feet. Its a nice thought. I just hope it works out. I may move to spain anyway. Just for a little while though, and when I get back I hope to see a state of the union with barack obama standing there.

Its creeping up

Soon its going to be my birthday. I'm getting a bit excited about it actually. I'm not excited about receiving presents or anything like that. Cause chances are I wont really receive any lol, I dont get my hopes up about that. I am excited just chill out and drink with some friends, maybe my co-workers for the first time. That'd be cool. Tomorrow nights my classic thursday night excursion. Hopefully I wont throw up this time ha. Mmm, im tired so I think I'm just going to hit the sack now. I had a lot of good thoughts today and I just cant remember them. One thing I was thinking about is how my hair, back in the day was like a crutch. It was so easy to make friends and meet people when your hair is a conversation starter and people want to meet you because of it. You know? Like it means I do not have to develop my personality in the same way. Maybe thats why I'm suffering right now socially. I don't have any good things to speak about, no good starters. Its not like i dont have friends or can't meet new people but im in a valley. Not meeting many new people and not clicking the same way with my friends. I am clicking more with old friends though. And I am meeting new people through work and this internship so hopefully we'll all drink together and loosen up. Its much easier to get to know someone that way. Thats what I enjoy about work. Meeting new people. People that you automatically have something in common with. Often times its the only thing you have in common. And thats ok. Its another crutch right there lol. Work friends. Ok well Im really going to bed.

Out of destruction comes creation

You know, lately I feel like I have been learning a lot. My political science courses teach me so much about how my country and the entire world work, and how nations interact together and within themselves. So many interesting things and spectacular feats are enacted all around the world daily and rarely are we educated on it. I mean currently I would say I know little about so much of other nations. One of my teachers today said, "I don't know if anyone keeps up on Australian politics, but..." and I laughed. I was like what? Who keeps up with australian politics? Apparently he does, and other must know what occurs there. And interesting things go on there. I read a few chapters of this book which discusses an amazing political instance in Amsterdam. A group of essentially anarchists, got together and ended up becoming so influential that they received 5 seats on a 45 seat city council. They ended up pushing two parties out of the council and taking seats from other parties. So interesting because it started as a few kids with this crazy idea about bikes and no cars and anarchy and friendly, peaceful neighborhoods, kids with no power. And they influenced a nation, and then influenced nations around the world. One of their most spectacular ideas was of the 'White Bikes'. They wanted to stop driving in the center of the city and to do this they wanted to have the government supply the city with 20,0000 bikes each year. I mean, even half of that im sure would have such an amazing impact. But this party without any government help, by their own initiative took donated their own bikes, painted them white, accepted donations of bikes and painted them white and brought them around the city, they were just community bikes. Anyone could use them. Amazing, I could just walk down the street, find a bike, use it to get to the store, and leave it there for someone else to use later. So sweet. So trusting and kind and impressive. I dunno. I like it a lot.

The title of this entry really speaks in particular about one instance of history. I have always been pretty much completely against the use of nuclear bombs. I am against the building of them, and I am for the deconstruction of our current supply so that the United States has literally none left. We have to set an example for other states to follow. The point is that I believe that it was wrong to use nuclear weapons in world war II against Japan. The effects of were so destructive and terrible, cities leveled, a rediculous amount of civilians killed, and many painful long deaths resulted. Although it may be argued that lives were saved(on the american side mostly) and that the war would have dragged on much longer, but lets ignore that argument because I do not have the time to refute it. So, the point is that after this destruction came an amazing creation. The new Japanese culture, the new Japanese morals, and constitution. One of peace. After going through such an intense war, one that ended terribly and one that the new generation did not want to experience, and one that the current generation did not want to see ever again, the new Japanese constitution was formulated. The sovereigns of the nation took away the right of the government to go to war. No standing army was allowed. No nuclear weapons. None of that. Spectacular. I'm tired so im gonna end it here. But the point is that a lot of good can come out of bad. Creativity and invention come from the lowest points of peoples worlds. I'm not sure if that sentence makes sense but im leaving it. And im leaving. Later.

Even when life sucks, it good.

Even when life sucks, its good. Something really interested I learned this weekend. Its really a good thought. I enjoy thinking about it. I heard one of my bosses say it the other night, and it was something surprisingly optimistic. I never thought I would hear something like that from him. Somewhat insightful and thought provoking. Imagining that even at our lowest, life is still good, is something to dwell on. I mean, I do feel that right now, I have been a bit low, I have been working so much, and its been hard but, ya know...life is still good. Too bad it sucks now tho haha. Whatever. So anyway, the point right now is that what about other people at their lowest? Meth addicts, alcoholics on the streets? At their lowest is life still good? When it sucks, is it still good? Who knows? I dont. Just something else to think about. But you know, probably even at their lowest, they must have some true happiness. Or even false happiness. I mean whats the difference? Right? So anyway, I think I should go to sleep, maybe I'll elaborate on this idea tomorrow after I do 153 hours of work. Ill see you soon.

Chala

So, I'm sittin in my room, like pretty much every time I type one of these. I smoked a couple of hours ago, like 1 hour? 2 hoursish maybe. I dont smoke much, wow, ha I was just gonna right about how I don't really get high much, not cause iv grown a tolerance but because I just dont really get high I guess. Bu literally for that entire sentence and I'm trying to stop my self now, I'v been like swinging my head around just cause I cant stop and it feels cool. Wierd. Cool, I sorta feel like 'Go Ask Alice' writing this shit. Writing a blog and doing drugs. This is a nice little break, I actually really need to do some reading for tomorrow, but I probably wont. I'v done fine on the other reading quizes and he drops like 3 of them, worrd. I'm probably going to bed soon, I really want these peach gummies that I had the other day, they're so good I really want some. I think maybe I will place guitar. I may go out and get those gummies if I can scrounge up a couple bucksters. So, hmmm what else. Yea so I really don't like my roommate, its probably just because I have gotten tired of him and tired of looking at only the good in people, now I look at a lot of the negative mostly. This kid sucks at guitar. Any way, its cause I have been recently just like let down and lost trust in people for it. I'm totally craving those peach things. I feel like sometime I have to sensor what I say because I worry that I'm going to leave this up one day and they'll see it, cause even with my computers closed, its not safe, every time i look at my computer someone elses face book is up,or aim is on. BS. Dont use this comp without my permish yo. Hm, so pretty much just me and my two other roommate are going to be living together next semester. I was told by my other roommate that as a last resort he would live with these other kids, but that he was with us to the end. Two days later, he's living with them. BS. Give a brother a break, with us til then end, the bounce out. Well it makes me feel like not getting a house and just moving to Mallorca or something for atleast a semester or two, then maybe coming back and finishing school. We'll see after the summer. But I guess I should get a place just in case, but thats sorta like a crutch then...oh I have a house I cant go, something stupid like that. I would hope that if I have the money and the motive to still go I would. I just dont want to all together give up on school, I think that I do want to travel though before getting out of school and getting tied down with a job. Tomorrows the day, I'm gonna try to take that girl from work home, or atleast some girl would be nice. Besides the girl I always take home. Shes so attatched, how can she like me so much? I'm not even interesting when I'm with her, I'm boring. She's really just in lust I feel like. I need stop being so good looking. I'm really trying to get some gummies. What time should I get up tomorrow? I think I'm gonna go to the store if I have the monetary support for gummies. Nope, i popped some gum and now I'm not that interested. I'm tired, think im gonna get some quick rest and just chill. Im going to hm, not talk to you tomorrow probably,but ill be back soon.
Peace.

Hardest weekend

I really worked fuckin hard this week. I spent ALL week preparing for opening weekend for marketing with this internship. It was rediculous. I really dont even want to review it at all I just worked I think a total of about 26-28 hours between saturday and sunday alone. Saturday night, I hit my breaking point. It was insane, I never was so drained in my life. I was running around, literally running, trying to get leads and I was just getting rejection after rejection, and I had such high hopes that I was let down so hard. I went to my last home, it was dark, cold, and I was alone, I tried to push so hard at the home to get the lead but they told me not to waste my time even dropping off my business card. It was pretty devastating that even my card would not be accepted there. I have never had so many people not be willing to give me the light of day. So anyway, after that I was walking away from the home, and it hit me so hard that I had failed. I just began to cry, for real, I cannot remember the last time that I have cried, its been years. The last time I remember crying is literally...maybe 5 or 6 years ago. It doesnt happen often. So anyway, I really got slammed. Sucked man. But I had a good night in the end just going out with some friends. Then got to bed early to wake up early. It was so loud in the house, its so rediculous, my roommates just screaming and yelling and being drunk and high, its annoying. Like I enjoy being drunk and whatever but I just feel like you have to grow up at some point, and being obliterated and then smoking a 7 blunts in the night isnt smart. Get some sense you know? I sorta actually am thinking that I want to try to smoke some J soon and see how it feels. Just by myself. A friend of mine smokes every night and then just hangs out on his own. I feel like doing that. I'm not like immaturely smoking every night or whatever, its really just for the thought provocation. I'm interested in exploring my mind really deeply, you know? I want to reach enlightenment, like Buddhist monks. Do I need to lead a life rid of all material goods? Beg for my food? Or scavenge? I totally lost track of my thoughts. Sucks when that happens. Anyway, I really just want to come to some sort of a realization.

Lets see, I had this really sweet dream the other night about this girl at work, and I dreamt that we were dating and I was like so in love with her. And I just loved showing her off, not because she was pretty but because of how amazing she was as a person. I would like explain to people she's not the prettiest girl but she is the perfect girl for me. I was so happy with her lol. Now I decided I gotta test the waters out. Give her a shot and see how it goes. I'm gonna try to get her to come out with me this week. If not, ill try next week, slowly work on her. She'll crack hah. I dont think itll be hard at all, having the confidence to bring her back to my place is the hard part, cause im a douche when it comes to that part. But i really want to have another siiiiick dream like that. I just love having dreams that I remember, and dreams that I enjoy. I really love being in dream land ha. I had this great string of dreams while I was napping earlier this week where I had total control of myself in the dream. Pretty much like supper intense imagining lol. I could fly around town, do whatever I wanted I loved it ha. So I'm heading out, I'll try to hit you with some more dreams later this week. Hopefully I actually get to sleep. Catch ya ass lattaa.

The Future, My Life The only one I have

This life is pretty interesting. I love looking in on it like this when I type this blog. I really lead my life in a way that I never have before. I lead my life in the most ridiculous ways. Im happy sometimes, most of the time I find myself to be distraught, insensibly judgmental of my friends, which intern creates anger, stress and unable to accept most people as equals. I have been looking down on the people that surround me more then I ever have. I just wonder what do they have to complain about? I have two serious jobs, goals, classes, obligations, and a future that can be quite successful. You know what I should do. Transfer. Thats the best plan I think I could have, but to where? I can't think of a single place where I could be happy. The only thing that sparks interest in me is imagining myself in Spain, or Italy, free of all this. Maybe next semester I'll tell my friends I dont want to live with them. Then I think of life in a home by myself, quite, serene, and oh so lonely. On weekends, face book would make all my plans. I would have nothing else. Thats the way it works. Wish I had another alternative. I just dont. So Spain looks like the top choice. I choose you. I would love to meet a girl who met my standards. I only meet hoes. I really expect too much from people, and from life. I lose faith in it all.

It begins

I started this semester two weeks ago about I think. I had no job, didn't really have to worry about my internship yet, and was just relaxing. Then, I got a job, I'm getting heavier into this internship, and have lots of school work to do. Its a lot. Probably atleast 100 or so pages to review for my job, I have to take a test and pass to serve at this place, and then I have 90 pages to read and I have to take a test this weekend for my internship, and I have so much reading to for school. Work on tuesday, thursday, and friday, internship full day on saturday and sunday. School Monday through thursday. Its pretty intense. But I'll def be getting used to it. I don't know if I went over this yet, buy my Ex recently got together with a new kid. Sucks a little bit, I sorta always saw her as an option. I really loved her, but too bad, in the end I don't really mind, I knew it would happen eventually. Its no big deal. I have to wait until I find that girl for me, I just can't find her. It's really going to take a while, and I'm sure of that. I'm working hard. Today at work this gay dude who is producing a west side story show on broadway, asked me If I was a model, or if I ever considered it. And I just feel like, if I am that good looking that I can be asked if I'm a model, and its happened more then once, im pretty much zoolander, then why is it not easier for me to get girls? Cause im not aggressive enough I think. I just need to be confident in my abilities, and I'm just not. I always think like, hmm is she interested? I'm not sure. And How can I really know? Fuck it man, I just have to go for it, fuck rejection you know, who cares. This weekend I should just really go for it all the way, try to get with some girl, set my sights and go for it. Hm, it would be a good goal to set and meet. Also, I feel like I want like a modeling gig to just fall into my lap, I want someone to be like come here and model, good extra money for me and it would be fun and sweet to say that I'm a model, right? I think so, lol. I'm pretty superficial.

I was thinking today, I dont try to be like the nice guy...you know? Its just me. I can't change that. It would be nice if I could, but people just see me that way. At work, I had no idea that my co workers saw me as the nice guy, but all of a sudden they're all saying how they thought I was like the nicest guy in the world. How do I get that? I mean, in the long run, I think it will work out in my favor. I think I'm smart, nice, good looking, and everything will turn out will in the end. Life man, its so tricky. Who knows what the correct path to choose is? No one knows what will make us happy. I assume what may make me unhappy, but I can't really tell that either. Its totally tricky. I'm tired. I'm pretty tired of a lot of things. Fakeness. I mean, its pretty classic thing to say, "I'm so tired of people being fake". But I'm not talking about others, I'm talking about me. I should be more straight forward with how I feel about people I think. Just let it out sometimes. Maybe I should talk to a shrink sometime, I think it would be nice to talk to someone. I think I may ask my sister who she talks to on campus and go ahead and talk with them too. Its pretty late right now. I am going to go a head and stop blogging now. Good to talk to you. Later.