Progression

My life often takes sudden turns. I feel one way then I feel another. While I wrote my blog yesterday about considering becoming a lawyer I completely disregarded my other also very real dream of packing up and moving to California, France, or Spain, or all three. And just spending time in a different place. With different people, and experiencing new things. Sometimes you need to live life without a plan to really enjoy it and to be truly liberated. Its when we are in the least control that we often feel the most exhilaration. Imagine your feeling while dropping a hundred feet on a roller coaster, you just want to do it all day. Or atleast I do. I know certain people, like my mother for example are not so fond of that. But simply forgetting about our most obvious constraints in life for just a little while make us feel better then we ever can in our monotonous lives. When we leave work and our family to vacation with a lover for a week. We are at our most happy. Or at least supposedly, we are. How can we know what truly makes us happy. I just imagine, which from a book I read, our imaginations of what makes us happy is always wrong. But the fact is my imagination tells me that going to France and living for a little while would be exciting and new, and that I can just move, move to spain, get a job, waiting tables, making a reasonable amount of money to support myself and help me travel more, and I can make my way around, experiencing new things. I don't have to answer to anyone. My boss hardly even has a stake in my life, I only have to move if I'm fired. Enjoy myself. If I do well in this internship I will have some money saved up to start my travels.

Lets look at the other side, shall we? Here we go: Today I was watching some video's or Obama, and of the Kennedy's endorsements of him. The speeches surrounding this situation was really and truely inspiring. Its like the best speech I had seen for Obama. The point is that, it inspires me to go into law and politics, so I can also do my best to make change. If even on the local level. But maybe I should go do my travels while I'm young and ambitious, and after that, I can come back for study, or maybe I can continue my studies abroad, a semester here, another there, and score my degree that way. Probably not that way though. But eventually I can go back to the states and get myself into deep into the politics here. I would most likely want to be right here in Jersey at the end of my life. Maybe California or France though too, the just seem like such great places. I've been to both, but I don't remember Cali well, and I did not spend too much time in France, and mostly in Paris, and I was not overly impressed. We'll see when I go back. But living there is different, enjoying their great social programs and real life there is different then a visit. I love Spain. I should go live there. Anyway, I'm going to go to sleep now so I can wake up and go to the gym. Night.

No World For Tomorrow

I came to a realization. It's really just the way that I am programmed. When I meet people who I believe I may actually have a future with, people whom I envision, or can clearly see that we will spend time together in the near and distant future, I withdraw. Psychologically, my mind can tell that I am in a situation where my impression matters, where what I say, how I act, and who I am with, matters. And with that I worry, and I withdraw, I become shy, I cannot make comments and questions and be who I like to be, have the same level of confidence, intelligence, or charm. I do not often meet people who meet these requirements, people who matter right off of the bat, people who I can tell may impact my life. For instance, my family is one case, not my immediate, but only my more distant family...aunts, uncles, cousins, even grandparents. Only recently have I come more out of my shell with these people. And only for one reason, I have unconsciously realized how little they may impact my present and future. I can avoid them all I want, they do not often contact me exclusively, only my parents. I can really enjoy my time with them more easily because they do not have a necessarily long term or consistent effect on my life. Its interesting. I am certainly weird I feel like.

Its similar to the way I react to girl friends parents. When I meet parents of friends of mine I can charm them to no end, they always love me, mom's I would have to say especially, and I can get my personality out. I have a good time with them really. But once I am dating their girl, I get nervous making jokes, or comments, or anything, because they now may have a long term position in my life. And I may also have a position in theirs. It makes sense that I do not want to jeopardize my situation with them by screwing up with words, however, it doesnt make sense that the only people who actually matter, I can barely show my true colors to. I surely don't know my own self as well as I would like, but I would like the people who matter to see as much of my true personality as I can allow to come out for others. Its annoying. We'll. I think that may be all I really have to say for tonight.

I started this semester, and its hard already. Too much reading. What can I do? Also, I have been considering a few new career paths. I am becoming further and further immersed in the political field, in how it works, and who is involved, and why maybe I would like to be involved. I have considered becoming something in the field of law or politics. Maybe a lawyer or something in that field, maybe just a politician of sorts. I think I have the ability to stay honest and make good judgments even if I were involved in a field as dirty and corrupt as Law. Law may be one of the dirtiest and more corrupt fields to be in. But some good people have to be in it. And maybe I'll be one of them. Maybe not. We'll have to see. I've got time.

The Fifth Element

Im sittin here watchin the fifth element. Chillin out. I went out for a little while, to chill with the girls. Chill with that girl that im hookin up with. Waste of my time to go over there. I didn't want to but I got suckered into it. Oh man, life really is like a crazy game. Thats all it is, I mean, we just live at some point, where ever our memories begin, and then end. Like, at some point, we don't even really remember things anoymore. A lot of people develope Alzheimer's and things like that, were just delerious or have no ability to make decisions for ourselves. All I'm saying is that, life is wierd, I mean, its like living in a book or something. I dont even know where I'm going with all anyway. The point is that life is just wierd. Like tonight I was hanging out, sleeping, job hunting, chilling with those girls, and I didn't really enjoy my day. Why not? Two days ago I hung out, chilled with my homie, played guitar, went out to the bar with some girls, and I had a great night. What the big difference? Is it the group of people? My attitude? It really is all attitude. Ay. Whatever. She was looking good tonight. Thats a plus. But. I still want another girl. I still want a perfect girl. A girl I'll never find. I still want that girl that I'm still in love with. I just need to work the game of life in my favor somehow. But how? Thats the real question. I'm a total dork. I'm really fake I think. I don't every know what I want. I'm crazy. I'm actually not crazy. But everything else, I am. I should talk to a shrink about all of my thoughts. Maybe they will give good advice. Eh, im out. Peace.

Night

Its night time. I'm in my room, 320 in the morning. Im done blogging. It was a fun night. I'm excited for tomorrow night. I'll write again soon. I had a good blogging time earlier, so hopefully I'll write again soon. Love you! Bye!

Back here

I'm just sitting around the house. Feeling a bit low. I dont really know why. I just think its because I dont really like having everyone around again. Its a little bit stressful. Having my room and having the house to myself was all really nice. I made the decisions. If they're here I cant really go out with my other friends when I want and I cant watch what I want to watch do what I want to do. You know? Just like everything with the other guys now is just a little fake, not the same and its just stupid. I don't feel comfortable the way I should, its just forced. I wish I could just honestly move somewhere and meet all new people, I think I would enjoy that. At least for a little while I would enjoy it. A new school, a new dorm, its probably like the only way for me to really learn about myself. Its too constricted here. I can't really decide what I want, or where I want to go, or who I want to be with. Anyway, what can you do?

So, I am so stuck on that girl still. It really sucks I have no idea how to get myself away from that, its so frustrating. The other night I had a dream with her in it, and I just knew Im deep in again. Havnt even seen the hoe in like 4 weeks. Fuck it man. She texted me right before I had sex with the other girl too. Wierrrd yo. Not really but honestly I'm starting to feel a little bad about having sex with that other girl cause there's no feelings at all in it for me and I know there are for her. Shes just texting me and shit all the time. Who knows man. I just want it to end and find a new girl. I want to go out with my work friends tonight, things are very nice and relaxed when I'm with them. They are all like in very real points in they're lives and very open and vulnerable, its good to see a genuine side of someone. I appreciate that they show me that side of them. I have so much trouble showing my vulnerable side, aka. this side of me. What I write here I just pray no one that I ever meet reads. Its really for me to just get out my feelings and I appreciate that I can do that. Hm.

I just bought a new car that I am so in love with. I'm living like a poor man right now tho. Need a job bad. Ill survive. I just dont have the money to go spend time on my own anymore though. The one thing that keeps me sane. I went to B&N to get some time alone, and relax, and I bumped into someone I knew, I was angry about it, not too nice to her, very stand offish, I felt bad. But I couldn't even help myself, I just didn't want to know anyone there. IT feels good to just spend time to myself, doing something. Not just sitting in front of the TV or anything. Writing, playing guitar, driving, even just walking around. I dont want to go to this party tonight. I know both the girl I have feelings for and the girl I have sex with will be there. I'm going to have to drink myself away from the situation. To deal with it. I dont want to spend time with either of them right now. I can hopefully get drunk then go meet up with some of my other friends at a bar or something. Relax.

I feel bad not really liking my current friends. I feel deceitful. They are really good people. Just not people that I feel I can open up to at this point. It's to late for that. I am listening to this CD I just bought its 'Between the Trees'. I like them. Just picked um out of random. From the name. Attracted me. Looking for like a hardcore band of sorts. I knew they'd be good because they thanked Jesus first. Christian rock bands are always good. No matter what. I'm not even christian I just have figured it out. Lol. Anyway. I'm going out for a bit. Ill see ya soon.

New Year

I was looking at my last post and its like I go from being a sucker to a god ha. But thats just like how it is, I'm both of those. But really I'm not a god ha I just sometimes think highly of myself. But I am definitely a sucker too. I am really way too nice sometimes and it makes me a sucker. Anyway on to my New Years Eve which I was looking forward too and I had a really good time.

I went to work as always around 3pm, set up and I served until about 10. Then I worked behind the bar for the rest of the night. I had some catching up to do. So I made a whole lotta shots. It was so much fun, because we werent that busy but I still made money, so I got to make drinks, make some for the other servers, it was really just a lot of fun. Then we left and went out to my friends, he cooked, we ate, and played some pool, I got to take lots of alcohol home. Got home around 7am. Tomorrows the last day the restaurant is supposed to be open. Should be fun. Going out after. I shouldnt drink lol. I drank like 5 out of the last 7 days. Thats too much lol. I need to cut down, but im so bored here with no one else in new bruns. So I go out.

Hm. I'm gonna finish watching zoolander. Later.