No World For Tomorrow

I came to a realization. It's really just the way that I am programmed. When I meet people who I believe I may actually have a future with, people whom I envision, or can clearly see that we will spend time together in the near and distant future, I withdraw. Psychologically, my mind can tell that I am in a situation where my impression matters, where what I say, how I act, and who I am with, matters. And with that I worry, and I withdraw, I become shy, I cannot make comments and questions and be who I like to be, have the same level of confidence, intelligence, or charm. I do not often meet people who meet these requirements, people who matter right off of the bat, people who I can tell may impact my life. For instance, my family is one case, not my immediate, but only my more distant family...aunts, uncles, cousins, even grandparents. Only recently have I come more out of my shell with these people. And only for one reason, I have unconsciously realized how little they may impact my present and future. I can avoid them all I want, they do not often contact me exclusively, only my parents. I can really enjoy my time with them more easily because they do not have a necessarily long term or consistent effect on my life. Its interesting. I am certainly weird I feel like.

Its similar to the way I react to girl friends parents. When I meet parents of friends of mine I can charm them to no end, they always love me, mom's I would have to say especially, and I can get my personality out. I have a good time with them really. But once I am dating their girl, I get nervous making jokes, or comments, or anything, because they now may have a long term position in my life. And I may also have a position in theirs. It makes sense that I do not want to jeopardize my situation with them by screwing up with words, however, it doesnt make sense that the only people who actually matter, I can barely show my true colors to. I surely don't know my own self as well as I would like, but I would like the people who matter to see as much of my true personality as I can allow to come out for others. Its annoying. We'll. I think that may be all I really have to say for tonight.

I started this semester, and its hard already. Too much reading. What can I do? Also, I have been considering a few new career paths. I am becoming further and further immersed in the political field, in how it works, and who is involved, and why maybe I would like to be involved. I have considered becoming something in the field of law or politics. Maybe a lawyer or something in that field, maybe just a politician of sorts. I think I have the ability to stay honest and make good judgments even if I were involved in a field as dirty and corrupt as Law. Law may be one of the dirtiest and more corrupt fields to be in. But some good people have to be in it. And maybe I'll be one of them. Maybe not. We'll have to see. I've got time.