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I'm just sitting around the house. Feeling a bit low. I dont really know why. I just think its because I dont really like having everyone around again. Its a little bit stressful. Having my room and having the house to myself was all really nice. I made the decisions. If they're here I cant really go out with my other friends when I want and I cant watch what I want to watch do what I want to do. You know? Just like everything with the other guys now is just a little fake, not the same and its just stupid. I don't feel comfortable the way I should, its just forced. I wish I could just honestly move somewhere and meet all new people, I think I would enjoy that. At least for a little while I would enjoy it. A new school, a new dorm, its probably like the only way for me to really learn about myself. Its too constricted here. I can't really decide what I want, or where I want to go, or who I want to be with. Anyway, what can you do?

So, I am so stuck on that girl still. It really sucks I have no idea how to get myself away from that, its so frustrating. The other night I had a dream with her in it, and I just knew Im deep in again. Havnt even seen the hoe in like 4 weeks. Fuck it man. She texted me right before I had sex with the other girl too. Wierrrd yo. Not really but honestly I'm starting to feel a little bad about having sex with that other girl cause there's no feelings at all in it for me and I know there are for her. Shes just texting me and shit all the time. Who knows man. I just want it to end and find a new girl. I want to go out with my work friends tonight, things are very nice and relaxed when I'm with them. They are all like in very real points in they're lives and very open and vulnerable, its good to see a genuine side of someone. I appreciate that they show me that side of them. I have so much trouble showing my vulnerable side, aka. this side of me. What I write here I just pray no one that I ever meet reads. Its really for me to just get out my feelings and I appreciate that I can do that. Hm.

I just bought a new car that I am so in love with. I'm living like a poor man right now tho. Need a job bad. Ill survive. I just dont have the money to go spend time on my own anymore though. The one thing that keeps me sane. I went to B&N to get some time alone, and relax, and I bumped into someone I knew, I was angry about it, not too nice to her, very stand offish, I felt bad. But I couldn't even help myself, I just didn't want to know anyone there. IT feels good to just spend time to myself, doing something. Not just sitting in front of the TV or anything. Writing, playing guitar, driving, even just walking around. I dont want to go to this party tonight. I know both the girl I have feelings for and the girl I have sex with will be there. I'm going to have to drink myself away from the situation. To deal with it. I dont want to spend time with either of them right now. I can hopefully get drunk then go meet up with some of my other friends at a bar or something. Relax.

I feel bad not really liking my current friends. I feel deceitful. They are really good people. Just not people that I feel I can open up to at this point. It's to late for that. I am listening to this CD I just bought its 'Between the Trees'. I like them. Just picked um out of random. From the name. Attracted me. Looking for like a hardcore band of sorts. I knew they'd be good because they thanked Jesus first. Christian rock bands are always good. No matter what. I'm not even christian I just have figured it out. Lol. Anyway. I'm going out for a bit. Ill see ya soon.