Im def a god sometimes

So tonight was proof. I was at work, I lost about a hundred and then one it all back, got like 4 bottle of alcohol and then a ride home. Sat at home, talked to my sister online and watched some really depressing videos and then I get a call from a friend of mine. She wants me to go out with her. Actually, her friend told her to call me cause she wanted to see me. The 29 year old girl I was talking about last week. Helloooo. I was so right. This girl wants me. We were chillin, then I was like I'm going home, then she's like no we're going to my apartment, we all went there. And I didn't want to really stay there and fight over her with this other dude that was there, but she obviously wanted me, she kept touching my leg and staring me in the eyes and shit, classic signs after calling me. But my friend wanted to leave and I wanted to walk her home so I left. I can only hope that I see her this weekend, with no other guys around to fight with. Its annoying, dudes are always trying to get with girls so its hard to find a cute girl with no competition. But I think I have that shit in the bag if I try. Which is good. I'm really just happy to know that my 19 yr old ass can scam on a 29 yr old cute girl and have a chance at all. Its redic.

Hm, I had something to say but I forget what it was. I yea I remember. I think I purposely do things like walk my friend to get out of difficult situations. Like I could have stayed but then I would have had to find a way to make sure I get this girl and if I didn't I would have been all upset and shit. You know? So I am like running away so that I dont set myself up to possibly fail. I possibly could have been to shy to fight for her, unless she came to me, I probably wouldnt have gone to her, you know? I mean I am 10 years younger. So I think I probably do things like that just so that I dont see myself fail, I need to work on that. Just be more of a risk taker. I dont really want to discuss christmas. It wasnt too great, same as every year. A little depressing. So, I am going to skip that blog. Til another day when I feel like talking about family shit. So I am going to go to bed almost four in the morning already. Catch you later.

<3

Im a sucker.

I'm giving you two days worth in this blog. What an intense two days, what an epic two days. Ha, you will be disapointed by the word epic, because it certainly was not. Obviously, I'm ending the night at 1am writing a blog...That says it all.

I am remembering that the last time I wrote was at my work, writing a brief blog. Well that night was so great. I think I mentioned how I was looking forward to work, and how great it was. At the end of the night I was drunk, getting free drinks for me and my friends, my friend max and his friend nick came by, and I really love those guys, Max is such a great person, I dont know nick to well but he is a good friend of Max and he seems real cool. Anyway, I was drunk and I made so much money playing C-low, it was sick. Then my coworkers friend was there and I was just flirting a little bit with her, but in the end of the night after we left my place of work, me her and my two coworkers went to her place to drink a little more. And we played jax and I did some guitar. I am giving all the details away so if anyone involved reads this they'll know, but I dont really care right now. So anyway, I was feeling this girl, I always thought she was cute, but I was getting a vibe from her, and I know the vibe. I was really putting the game on her in the end just telling her im interested...I find out shes 29! Shes way older then me! More then 50 percent my life! Thats alot, but she seriously did want it, she was asking my co worker, "is he really 19, is he really 19?" I was like NO! But it is the truth so too bad, missed out on that cute girl,I want her, maybe soon. She wont, too old, damnit!

So then we went to Shana's, yup I have up a name, my coworker, I'm to drunk to care about secrecy right now. We hit 711 and got mad food, I paid since I made that money, and we talked like all night about how I like this girl who's party I hit up tonight. Its like, ahhhhhh, you know, ive written multiple times, I love this girl, shes too much for me! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! i'll never get it, I hate this whole thing. its killing me, thats why I'm here early tonight. Typing. So stupid. I could be having a good time getting drunk where I work or something, If I was over this girl I could be at her place having fun. I'm so stupid. So fuckin Stupid. I'll never get over it, and I'll never learn.

Lets roll over to today, (ps last night I went to bed at 6 and slept on my friends floor), ok so today I woke up, got my contacts in and got some food.

I really dont understand some people, I ordered coffe and a bagel at dunkin donuts, and I saw this girl and she was definately feeling down, my order cost me 3 dollars, and I felt bad for her so I tipped 2 dollars, 66 percent. Thats good. And she didnt even acknoledge me, stilll! Like really! say thank you? look at me? anything, she didnt even look at me! And then I got my bagel and neither did the guy who got it for me...like im nothing? No attention to me. I said thank you so much, he doesnt even look at me, piss me off.

Thats that. I went to go see the girl I'm hooking up with off. Went to chill a bit. Shes leaving for Cali. So I went there, chilled, she's cute, but she complains too much. Lets continue...I proceeded to go buy kegs like a bitch for the girl I like, I fucking hate it, why did I help her? I'm a bitch, I'm really getting upset right now, this is going to be the longest blog I have. She makes me feel so low. Like scum. Why do I deserve to try so hard, and get nothing? I really want this girl, and I cant have her, I never will, and I'll never give up, ahahdg;alkjg;aoidjga;odisjf! I couldnt even write ahhh, too frustrating. Insane. So work was alright, just played CLow made some money and hung out, drank plenty of vodka on the job, but its all good,. Ate some whipped potatoes, normal night. I dont know where my train of thought was, but I am going to steal so much stuff from work now that I know were closing, I'm stealing the shit out of it, fuck that place! fuck it!

I am going to miss my co workers so much.

Fuck the manager.

Fuck. So after work, I went to Rachel's, thats code for the girl I love from now on. Rediculous, I had a real good time with my boys, but thats not enough, I need attention from the ladies, pretty much rachel especially but it doesnt happen. The only girl I get any attention from is girls I'm not interested it. I would hook up with some of them, but its not enough for me when the big R is around. Not enough. I'm a sucker. I'm changing the title right now. I can't win. I cant wait for new years eve, I'm getting so drunk. SooooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOoooOOOOOooooo DRUNK! I think maybe I may be an alchy soon. I hope not. Listen, I cant even express my feelings right now, I need to go to sleep. Good convo,loove you, good night!

I must have ADD or something

I was reading my last post, and I really must have ADD. I read it and its like, what? And I wrote it haha. Sometimes I just get distracted, talking online or to my roommate while I write my blog so my train of thought is interrupted. Sorry about that.

So I am at work right now, yea I know its wierd, blog writing at 3:48, usually thats AM for me, not normal to write a blog in the afternoon. But, I'm at work and I'm closing so no ones here and I just need to buy time before my next job cause I can't close up just yet, and I have no other work to do! Fun.

Really I wrote like 13 hours ago so I have nothing to say, maybe Ill post a picture up cause thats what I said I was going to do from now on so I guess I should. Here goes:

The Week Is Over

Well, here we are, its thursday, or I guess friday early early morning. And my week is over. I am looking forward to work tomorrow, I am excited to be done with exams, and its great. I'm in a pretty good mood right now, but I am feeling a little confused and weary.

As Ive mentioned before this girl I'm having sex with, I just hope shes not looking for more then what we have now, its like chilling and friends and sex, no real obligations. I dont really want a relationship with her, so I just dont want to have to hurt her. I hope I don't. Ill keep ya updated. Regular sex is certainly nice.

I think that I have to big of a head. I think too much of myself. I mean I think that I am like the nicest guy in the world, that I dress so nice, that I look so good, that I have a huge dick, that I'm so smart, and so insightful, the list can probably go on and on. Does everyone think these things of themselves? I mean sure I'm exaggerating it a little bit but that is really almost how it is. Obviously I do see my negatives though, and maybe thats where the balance is. I know my strengths and weaknesses? Or is thinking that in itself too pretentious and arrogant. Who knows. I only ever express this stuff in my blog which no one reads.

I wrote something good on guitar today, a nice chord progression, I like it. I'd love to write lyrics, but why should I? I am too shy to sing in front of people and especially when words that I wrote, my own expressions are involved. Thats way too much. Showing my emotion through my guitar is a lot for me in itself. Talking to that girl right now. You know the one, the one I'm in love with, not the one that I am hooking up with. Too bad they can't be the same person right??? God, how does that happen. I love religion. Love it. I really find it to be the most intruiging thing ever.

I'm going to post up a few pictures I think every blog now, just pictures that I see around that I think are great. Often I find great ones on MSNBC.com but its all flash! So I cant get those but here are some other good ones.








Thats good for now, I really like those pictures. Yea I'm deep. Ha Just kidding. Love you, bye!

And then I knew I was in hell

Last night, at 3 in the morning Alicia Key's new album began to blare through the thin layer of sheet rock that separates my room from the neighbors part of the house. Not at any normal volume, and not with just one person singing along joyfully to the tune, but with a basement full of friends and uninvited guests to a party where drinking, games, and music would endure the dark and cold. Its finals week. This was a problem, with an 8am exam( turned out it was a 12pm exam), and hearing this ridiculous song for the 100th time since last Saturday at work, I had definitely entered hell. Ironically, my New testament exam was the next morning.
This morning I woke up at 7am, grabbed a bagel from abp for the second morning in a row and sat by myself to complete my studying for this exam. As I read my eyes drifted to the top of my study sheet where I discovered that this exam was at 12pm. I went back to bed until 11am. Did well on that exam, I can feel it.
After a total of atleast 16-20 hours of studying in the past three days, I am so over the whole studying thing. Thats why I am taking a break now to write for a bit. One more exam later tonight at 8pm, and then one on Wednesday morning at 11am. Work Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and a paper due Friday morning. Fun. Christmas is coming. Thats good, maybe I'll get some money towards my car, get my car, and take a quick vacation. Sounds too good. I was thinking earlier this week about writing a blog about how I am probably just like pretty much a regular old person. I mean, I am. What does set me apart? Not really anything. I like to do normal things, I have fears, I can be embarrassed and tickled as much as I clam that am resistant to both, and I pretend to be confident as often as I pretend to be modest. You know like, just looking around there are so many different types of people that I am not really one set apart from the rest. I probably try my hardest to fit in, and not be set apart anyway, right?

I am reading a very interesting book, I have been reading it since the summer, "Stumbling on Happiness." It's so interesting to learn about the way we think. You know, I mean why do I spend all this time and energy studying, am I going to be that much happier if I get an A on my exam, or have extra money in my pocket, or have a girl friend, or get a college degree. I think I would be happier living like Siddhartha or something. But why would I be? lol. I can't gauge anything like that with any accuracy. Well, I am meeting my sister and her roommate for dinner in an hour so I guess I should get back to studying and get some more done before dinner.

Thanks for listening.

Saturday

Saturday night. I love um. I love work, I love it all. Oh angelina jolie's legs are sexy. Ha random but true, tomb raiders on the tv. I just got back from work, lost all my money in C-Low, I really am dumb. I was up and then I lost it all, just like I always do, so stupid! Whatever. So, yea one of the bar tenders made me take like 4 shots. I love when they make me take shots lol. Alright, so today I was informed that January 3rd would be our last day as a restaurant. Phew, crazy right. I almost am relieved that I might not need to work there next semester. I can find another job maaaybe, or just not work. Maybe find a job and just work 2 or 3 nights a week. Maybe not work at all, eh? We'll see what happens. I sorta have to work to pay for insurance on the car that I plan on buying.

But the thing is now, of all the people in the restaurant, only the bar tenders know. So I can't tell any of the other waiters, I cant tell the kitchen, the bouncers, I cant tell my sister! Insane eh? So I have to watch what I say, cause I was told not to tell anyone and I have to keep it a secret. Maybe I can convince them to let the others know. We'll see, but its not like official official, its just 95%, if they buyers don't have the money or they want to hire us all or something then its gonna be different. Hm. I dont want to work with anyone else, I love the people I work with. I feel like I may never see them, I almost know that I wont. Terrible. They do go to Clyde's alot, I can get in there, maybe I'll go there with them one day. New Years Eve with everyone will be so much fun! Exciting. Drunk all day :). I love this girl.

She texted me again today! Thats an angry exclamation, not a happy one. It annoys me its like a tease, even though obviously its just a text. Whatev. So I need to study, I just ordered food online which always takes atleast an hour so that I can force myself to study for a little while. Night!

Whatever

Just another night, like any other, had work, didn't study for exams like I should have, and remembered about how I love this girl and need to get over it. Never ends. I hate that girl. She sucks so so bad. I really hate her. I cant do anything about it. Whatever. Ha, I definitely write whatever like all the time in these blogs I'm gonna change the current title of this blog.

Currently I'm listening to 'Gravity' by John Mayer, really good song. John Mayer can really play guitar, some people really don't realize that, not that I'm like way above others in musical talent spotting, but I just think a lot may over look it because he also is a talented singer/songwriter, but his guitar player surpasses it. He can play great blues, and you feel it, he feels it, something I have a hard time doing. I can play well, and feel it when I'm really on, but not always, I need to always have that heart and passion.

I really wonder like, when and where will I ever find a girl that I'm going to fall in love with? Will it happen? I hope so.

Lately, I have been really contemplating just saving up to give myself a really great vacation. I'm so over school, I almost want to take a semester off, or drop out. What am I paying all this money for? I work so hard, and it pays off, but is it all worth it? Just for a degree? When will I see the true benefit of this? I like waiting and bar tending, why dont I just do that? Hm? Ha I know I cant really be satisfied in life by doing that, but I love it so much now, why not for my future. Fuck being a successful business man. I just want to go on vacation ok. Thats where this all stemmed from. My mom mentioned giving me like a 2 day ski trip for Hanuka instead of like a regular gift, and I'm so down for it, made me feel like, well why dont I just go alone, and relax? I want more time to my self as of this year. I like eating out alone now. I really just enjoy time on my own. I think I'm gaining enough passion here to write a good song, obviously an acoustic look at how emo I am. I am a total emo bag. Lol.

By the way, I am only half Jew, I think you knew that already, I'm not like a spoiled Jewish kid or anything.

I really planned on only writing like one paragraph. I'm going to try to write more often. Give my many readers more to enjoy. Personally, I just enjoy typing away here, my roommate is right there, has no idea that I have this blog...atleast I dont think haha, that would suck. This is really for my eyes only, and maybe people who have no idea who I am. If anyone who knew me read this, they probably would knew immediately who it was. Thats why I try to leave specific names and shit out. Like, steve or jessica, lol. You like those decoy names? Haha. I crack myself up sometimes, lol. I made a lot at work this week. Makes me feel good to make money for once lol.

Maybe I should start adding text adds to this blog. I already have a google adsense account, Why not? Just click um up for me. Give me a break, starving college student over here. Has no true love, no substantial income, works hard, and no real friends. I live a totally fake life. Completely. Its weird.

I hate awkward sex conversations. Why does this girl I was hanging out with tonight love talking about how much sex everyones had. Its annoying. Especially because she has herps and licks peoples faces. Its so annoying.

Ay. Where are the values nowa days? The only 'good girls' nowa days are like total religious freaks who wont even have sex til 5 years after marriage, are totally right wing just because of rediculous social issues like abortion and prayer in school. Its frustrating. Girls are on my mind a lot. Def constantly. Guess I'm not gay, eh? Well I know that much. But I know that I am a man of values, something that not many people I run into have. I'm good looking, value ridden, and personable. I'd think I would find a good girl, too bad theres nothing for me out there. If your a good girl, give me a hollar. Leave a little comment over here, maybe Ill get to ya ; ). Its time for bed. Catch you tomorrow.

Never a dull moment

My life, past two days, way too much drama, get on my nerves. I thought I was in trouble tonight, I really did. 5 hours ago I was talking to my sister and her roommate about this girl I'm hookin up with and how I'm gonna be in trouble cause I dont want a relationship with her and they think "its obvious" that she does. How can they know? Tonight she texts me, "I need to talk to you." I thought that was it, this nice arrangement has gone down the drain. But nope. I got lucky this time. She was just apologizing to me for what she did last night. Let me tell you what she did last night. She told this girl, the girl who my friend hooks up with, and she has a boyfriend, how I said, "I think shes just there to hook up with him," but guess what? I never said that. Bull shit, really pissed me off.

I am extremely serious about my credibility and honesty.

I need people to trust me, I don't know why its so important to me, its not that important to most people, but I guess its like if I have anything I have my word, you know? And I like to have that, even if people don't see it immediately, I feel that eventually I will be able to gain a level of trust with people that will help our relationship in the end. Even if I dont feel completely comfortable trusting them. I realized that really the only person I think I can trust right now is my sister. Who else could I and would I trust? The people I'm closest to is my friends from work who are become better and better friends to me and my sister. Sucks that I'm so much younger then them and we will obviously eventually never see each other again, AKA this summer. A lot worries me. I don't know why. I have mood swings. I don't know why. Whatever.

Just saw 'I Am Legend' It was pretty damn good. I was pretty stressed the whole movie lol, just because the movie was intense and this whole girl text shit came during the movie. Ah, so stupid, life is stupid. Life really is weird. I think I may want to be a politician one day. Guess I should keep any of my real craaazyy things out of this blog eh? Or maybe this can be used in my favor to show my true colors, my real honest, youthful, and sincere side. Probably not. One thing that really destroys me is watching these presidential candidates, and especially the republican ones who try to mix religion with the presidency and with politics. Prayer in school! Are you crazy! Ever read the constitution? I think any president should have a good grasp on the constitution, other wise maybe him and the supreme court may have some issues, eh? Eh. For sure. Its all too much for me. This election is too serious for me. I always forget what I have written about in the past, but these are the things on my mind, so If I write it twice, just deal with it. Got me? Thanks. So I am going to go to bed now, its pretty late. Thanks for reading although, I def know that know one is reading this lol. Maybe I should make it more interesting, I dont know how, if anyone reads this let me know how I can interest readers. Ill do my best. This SWAT show is pretty interesting lol. Well, Ill write again soon. Byyyyeee!

Giving up is the hardest part

Life is definitely on the upslope now. As far as I can tell atleast. I mean i think lately I have had more chances to spend time with friends, I have been putting more of an effort forth. My friends have also been easier to get along with lately. I have a girl to waste my time now with, which is nice, i do like spending time with her but she's not really girlfriend type for me. Just a good girl to hang out with, talk to, have sex with, chill with. Its all good. Work is good, not pulling in an intense amount of money, but I am having a good time there, and I'm making good friends there, its nice to be there, not really a chore. I got so wasted there last night It was great, but then I took it too far haha threw up at work and then outside my house. My stomach still feels like shit and its been almost 24 hours since I stopped drinking lol. But the bartenders were way too good to me, make me free drinks and then take care of me all night, come on, thats too much. I love em. I can't wait to get a car, its going to make my life somewhat easier and more luxurious. I love sleeping, im thinking about it right now, I just want to go to bed but I think potentially my roommate may need his privacy right now. We'll see in a few minutes.
So as for the title, Its a lyric from a John Mayer song, "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" and I have definitely feeled what he describes in the song multiple times. You have a dream with you and this girl and shits so good, your so happy, but then bam you wake up, that girl and you arent gettin together, not going to happen, and that just sucks. Giving up really is the hardest part, like I'v wanted this girl that I have mentioned a few times I feel like for atleast a year, its not going to happen with us, and Its just so hard for me to give up on it. I mean I have given up, but I still see a glimmer of hope, and feel a little wierd and spiteful toward her. Well im tired gonna relax and sleep and shit. Catch ya later blog.