Sundays

Sundays are the best. I used to hate them because it meant I had to prepare to get back into the swing of things. Not anymore. Sundays are days where my obligations are at a minimum. I mean, today I had to go to the gym and go home, but both aren't so bad. Its not work or school, and I'm taking this Sunday off from school work again. My family is so unreal. Lets just take a snap shot, my parents are divorced, my dad lives in NY, never really see him, good dad though, but he's overly spontaneous, every time I turn around he is either in Mexico or Poland. Such a weirdo, we won't get into that now though. My mom is just conservative, white mother, not spontaneous at all, still unsure of how to keep proper control of a household after the divorce(9 years ago). Its troublesome. My older sister has always just been to stubborn. She laughs too much around friends, and not enough around family. She claims to hate my mom, but I think she's half over it. She doesn't know right from wrong when she's dealing with family though. I love her. My younger sister is just a 5 x worse reflection of my older sister. She hates my mom to no end, and has to live with her so it makes it real hard on her. She's so immature, just like my older sister. Same ways. I know its hard for her to live with my mom, and she's not especially close with me, but we can talk, and my older sister hates her as well. It's real hard for my younger sister. I try to help. Not easy.
Today when I was home, my mom wanted to talk with my sister, me essentially serving as a mediator. I am the only one who can actually talk between all three of them. Tell them how things really are without getting yelled at. Its a good position, and its a hard one. I can't talk to any two of them at the same time however, because they cannot rationalize together, only separately, and even then its difficult, if not impossible. My sister, of course, ended up freaking out during out little meeting. She always thinks my mom is wrong in questioning her...maybe she's questioned to often. Maybe she's just not disciplined properly, but, its impossible to really keep her disciplined. I have no solutions, I just hopefully can serve as someone to comfort each of them when they need it. My mom and younger sister in particular. My older sister is less sensitive, is not especially receptive towards comfort. Life is so weird sometimes.
Seeing my sister so upset really sucks, worries me. As does it worry me when my mom gets upset. When my sister lashed out at my mom is just not possible for my mom to be upset, she can say terrible things, exactly the way my older sister used to. Its obviously a direct reflection. My older sister now just needs to grow up and give help to my mom, just by showing love towards her is enough. Knowing that she has atleast 2 children that appreciate her. I once heard that with each extra kid you have your life becomes progressively unhappier, a sad truth. I would like to at least show my mom that she has some people who appreciate how hard she tries. A solution I just thought up would actually be to send my sister to my fathers more frequently. Get her away from my mom, its much better for the both of them. But my sister, I'm sure, because I was this way, will not always want to go to my dads, she's growing up, needs time with friends on the weekends. Sigh, well see what happens. Haha well I guess I showed some of the negative side of my family, eventually we'll take a view at the idiosyncratic and comedic side of my family. Such a weird set up. I'm such a product of it. From where I came from, I am so surprised at how easy a time I have making friends, getting jobs, working hard in school, I would love to have someone analyze how all that came to by.
The end, Im too tired to write anything else. Peace.

Love, what is love without trust?

Today was an interesting day, a good day. I know that my blog probably consists of a relatively large array of useless, pessimistic feelings about the current state of my life, but, I'll hopefully throw some good things in there. For one, I exaggerated a bit with that whole pancake ordeal, she did bring back some delicious pancakes, and I do love that girl, shes great. Second, on Sunday I skipped the gym and choose to just rest, nap, and play Halo with my homies. It was really a good time. Just a nice relaxing Sunday, and I had a good time with my house mates. Hm, and third, I went out today with a girl who I never really knew that well and we had a good time, three good things. There we go. I also did really well on the last exam that I recieved. I don't really know where else to go with this paragraph so I'm going to end it.
When thoughts just end like that It reminds me a bit of that song by Jacks Mannequin, where he says "and this is the first verse, its not very long but I'm ready to move on," Im just ready to move on. Good band. Anyway, I figured out what that song One: Twenty-Seven is all about. Its a reference to the first corinthians, chapter 1 verse 27. Very interesting song, I'm definitely not religious at all but the bible is really starting to interest me. I am taking a class now about the New Testament and its really quire interesting. It is written nothing like I expected, and Jesus is depicted nothing like I would have imagined. For example, in the gospel of John, so far the most interesting gospel, Jesus is really extremely pretentious and a bit womanizing. He actually says, "Woman, what concern is that to you..."and she responds, "Do whatever he tells you." and this is speaking to his mom! Its pretty interesting. He's always referring to himself as the best and greatest and is trying to show everyone. It's odd that a faith is based on this man.
The title of this is blog is from a song, and that line always stood out to me. I always thought he was saying 'what is love without drugs?" which is more interesting. But really lets review, what is love without trust? I actually think you can love someone and not trust them, but its not a good type of love. Its not like true love. I guess what is true love without trust. In my visions, true love is someone that you can really always share everything with, special moments, sad, happy, whatever, someone you feel completely at home and comfortable with. A perfect fit. A perfect fit is completely imperfect without trust. Its like trying to tell a mouse to go into a cats mouth. It will fit perfectly, but theres no trust. It's so imperfect in the end. Haha, thats so lame. Thats the lamest analogy I every heard. I really am super lame sometimes. I can't help it. Whatever. I miss highschool a little bit. Highschool would actually be nice for a little while. Working 13 hours a week, not 40, and not needing to study for anything. Sweet life. Real sweet.
I got new strings for my guitar, its great. I play too much Halo, thats great, and now I am officially addicted to coffee, I don't really mind. Life is so interesting sometimes, now I don't think is really one of those times. Its a very rough plateau that Ive reached. Hopefully this weekend it will smooth out, get some good times in Im hoping. I really just need to find out if maybe I can get a day off. I hope Rutgers does real good against WVU. We'll see. Im out, its fuckin hot in this room. Gettin' up early for the gym. Catch you soon.

I never used to do that

I have been meaning to post up another entry for a few days but I get real lazy and don't feel like it a lot. Not unless I think I have something really important to say, but I rarely do. Something I realized this morning is that I just can't think of a way that my life will just pick up again. Lately, I'll just look at it through optimistic eyes, I say, "hey its looking up," or "its going to be the way it was soon," I just don't see it any more. Good thing I'm writing this because I realize if I want things back the way they were I need to be more proactive. I really need another day off, thats key. Work is the main cause of my distance from my friends, the second cause is a whole multitude of things ranging from their own current insecurities to a physical distance between us which makes things difficult with such busy schedules.
Anyway, recently and regretfully I have been using the word fagot. Honestly, I never, ever used to use that word. My friends would use it, along with many other offensive words that they use regularly, but I would not. It's not me. I have no hate towards homosexual people, not at all. Often I would use the word 'gay' with a negative connotation but I couldn't really help it, it's something I took from high school, everyone used it and you catch one to those things. But I just see a correlation between my new current use of this word and my new anger and discomfort with life.
I wish that I could find new friends. Evidently, however, I cannot. My life doesn't really allot for time to search and penetrate a new group. Nor does my selective choice for friends allot for anyone else that I have seen in Rutgers. These friends were surely the best. I was really so glad to have them. Too bad.
This blog was all sparked by a phone call, then a doorbell ring, just for some pancake mix. I just realized that my friends who is picking up the mix, called my other friend first who also lives with me. He wasn't even home. Lets list:
1. He wasn't home
2. She called him first
3. Normally in the past, I would be
4. Borrowed our mix, did not invite me for some
5. The kid who went home, never even told me he was leaving,
6. Neither did my other roommate
Final result is just lameness. So, I'm sitting here typing away. Work, thats really why my real best friends are at work. Maybe instead of getting a day off I should get another job and make more friends there.

How dare I call this love, and not bear my cross till the end!

I'm at the library, I should be studying but I thought I would relax and get my most up to date thoughts out. Today has been a pretty regular day, went to three of my four classes, no work, ate, went to the gym, whatever. Last night I smoked, and I really rarely smoke, I have been trying to give it up for good, but I guess every once in a while is no big deal. It was like 20 after midnight and my friend called me up(I got caught up playing Halo 3), and forgot to go over to her place to drop off and application to the restaurant where I work. But anyway, of course they were rolling a blunt right when I walked in haha, I'm pretty sure everytime I have been there this year they were about to smoke. Everyone smokes even more then last year now, its weird. For some reason, I feel like smoking is just childish. Personally, I feel like its something that if you do it a few times, you have the experience and you should move away from it. But then why don't I feel the same way about drinking? I like to drink usually twice a week, maybe because its much more socially acceptable? If you smoke weed your a pot head, but if you dont drink your probably not fun. Maybe thats just it, I dont really want to be categorized as either of those. Where I am not however, not smoking, does get me categorized by some as not fun.
Sunday was a good laid back day I guess. Don't have to work sundays, just have to get to the gym after I wake up, and get to the library. Lately, music has been on my mind more. I'm always listening to music if I'm alone, set up the playlist on my iPhone. This one song really strikes me, or really this band has caught my attention for a while now. As Cities Burn is the band, and their song, "One: Twenty-Seven" is one that really gets me thinking, its super emotional, as all of their music is I guess. The line that makes me think is, "...How dare I call this love, and not bear my cross till the end?" What does that even mean? I have been trying to figure it out. I need to listen closer to the rest of the song, then Ill let you know what I've discovered lol. I really really need to get strings for my guitar, I popped one, then popped one on my friends, it sucks not being able to play my baby, my one true love. Thinking about her makes me pretty happy. I spent only 440 dollars to get her, and shes just everything I ever wanted. Any experienced guitar player knows that you can't get anything good for 440, really for under 700 and some maybe go higher then that. But I ended up with a new Schecter C-1 Classic, so beautiful, just has a small chip, so I got a great price on her. Love it. Anyway, I really need to start my work, maybe ill write later tonight. I have really been wanting to write like a book for the longest time, my life from when I was little to now I think has been pretty unique and interesting, not very middle class regular old life, maybe ill write a bit about it, great comedic possibilities haha. Exciting.

Out of Mind Experience

Out of mind

So lately I have been having these out of body experiences. Really, they're more of out of mind experiences. Ill explain. I am not actually viewing my body from out side(watching myself walk or anything), I am really just watching my mind from another mind, another perspective. This other mind is ignorant to the life I lead, it knows not of my anxieties and experiences like my true mind, it only observes and comments. For example, it will take a look at my life and think out interesting it is to lead that life, how odd and useless life really is. I love this state that I have been occasionally entering into. It only happens for really a few seconds at a time, but that mind is so carefree, its truly easy going and its so simple. It feels nice.
My true state of mind, is filled with questions, anxiety, fear, schedules, thoughts and everything a normal state of mind should be I guess. Life has been different lately, or this semester. I guess you should know that I am a sophmore in college living with 7 of my good friends. First semester of college was so new and exciting. Meeting new people, working hard to get good grades, and partying on the weekends. Everyone was so new and nice and interesting. I got to know so many cool people and we just had a great time together. Second semester was a bit harder. I was bored more often, not too many new people to meet, still loved the old ones, but there may have been some more bumps along the road, no more girl friend, and not much girl around at all. Sucks. But my friends were still there for me and real great. Got a job though to keep my mind off of things, worked a lot, and now Im just working more. Been in love with the same girl, can't tell if I really even like her anymore, don't even really speak with her too often but shes definitely the only girl I have been interested in for over a year now. So now I guess back to the present.
I work 5 days a week at a restaurant and 2 days a week at a work study job. I love work, or at least I guess psychologically I may have had to convince myself that I do since I'm always working. The people I work with are great, makes me really attached to this place, even thought somewhere else I can probably make a lot more money. Well see what happens with that. We're all just always laughing and we go through it all together, thats what so great about work, and my sister works with me, that makes it nice also. I would say that the only person I can be honest with is my sister, I can probably tell her everything, she surely knows more then anyone else about my life. Thats my problem. I need someone else, a best friend, a girl friend, someone I can really be myself, trust and confide in. Its hard. Hm. I have a few good friends but we're growing apart, thats what makes this semester harder and different from the other two. Instead of getting closer were drifting. Its just that lately, our interests, morals, and focuses have changes. We're all looking for the attention of girls, but I'm not looking for a slut, or a girl with a boy friend, my friends morals and interests are different, they're convinced joining a frat would increase their chance of getting girls, I'm convinced joining a frat may make me some better friends. I'm not in search of a girl thats interested in a guy cause he's in a frat, I don't think at least.
I'm always questioning things like that. Maybe I do want a slut, or maybe I need a slut. Maybe I'm just worried that I can't even get with a slut and that scares me, but really I know that I can lol, I'm a good looking guy, and so are both of my main friends I just talked about, we can get girls with out fraternities or they being overly promiscuous. All these things are why I enjoy these out of mind experiences. No worries with that mind, it makes me feel so amazingly care free. Its weird to talk about, or I guess type about. Who knows what I want. Theres so much that no one knows about me, that I dont really share with people, I have never told anyone about most of this. My sister knows about some of it.
The one real absolute love of my life is my guitar. I'm so in love with it. It has a broken string right now which is just the worst thing, but soon well be reunited, lol. I really do just love it though; playing guitar makes me feel so carefree also. Brings back great memories, lets me get my feelings out better then typing them out on blogspot ever could. I know that this blog is pretty broad in topics, long and dragging probably, but I dont care cause its really just for me. I just need to get all of these things out of my mind, maybe one day ill get a more care free mind back, I think soon I will actually. Ill let you know when. I have not always been an anxious and stressed person. Stress works well for me however, I am making money, doing really well in school, and I do still sometimes meet new people, hopefully one of these girls may be someone I can really experience fully.
Its quite ridiculous how the time is flying right now as I type, its already 3:09 and I should be sleeping 2 hours ago but I couldn't fall asleep. It could be the coffee I drank earlier. I need to cut off caffeine. Alright, well honestly, I think Ill end it here until next time. If anyone does read this please go ahead and comment or whatever, I think you can comment haha, I don't really know how this works. I'll be posting again soon I hope.