Rememberance

What is the importance of remembering a tragedy?

Today is 9/11/08 so its been 7 years since the September 11th attacks. Why do people feel the need to remember? Especially those with no real connection to anyone lost. And I don't mean specifically this event, in general. You will see in peoples profiles, with wrist bands they wear, and etc. peoples need to show that they have not forgotten. Why is that something we feel is necessary?

I have never really lost someone to close to me, so that may be likely why I do not really see the need for this ritual. I always think that its probably better not to dwell on the past. I mean maybe thinking about it, and 'not forgetting', once a year is not so much dwelling, and more of a respectful action. However, I think that keeping in ones profile, like Danny Velloinzid 1987-2007 never forget. Or something like that is a bit on the dwelling side. What makes someone feel that writing that is a good idea. Its like reliving the tragedy over and over every time you're online. And forcing others to relive it.

Forgetting I really do not see as a negative. Its very different from sort of rejecting it or unhealthily pretending it never happened because its painful. Forgetting, in a way really just letting it slip into the backburner of you're mind is a way of allowing you're self to move on and bring new light into you're life. Remembrance is a negative thing in a way. Moving forward is a positive.

Alright so now back to me for a minute here.

So its game day here. And I realize of course its not exactly a development, but it does kind of sink in a bit more legitimately over time. I really don't have any friends and it definitely sucks a bit id say. I mean its game day, and I didn't get a text from anyone, or a call, or a facebook message, or anything about going to the game, drinking, tailgating, nothing and it definitely sucks. I mean, i just really don't have anyone who thinks that I'm fun enough I guess to contact. And you know, I'm not the type of person, and I dont feel that comfortable trying be more proactive and texting or calling people to attempt to invite myself along with them. I really feel like a douchbag right now. What did I get myself into? I am definitely lame. I will probably go to the game, drink, like I'm drinking now, and if I dont really meet friends there, besides the one I'm going with, then I will probably come back home and watch some tv, and go to bed. I just dont connect with people on a level beyond level one. Which is acquaintances, and I mentioned two or three blogs ago. I have about 2 friends that ever text or call me to hang out if I dont contact them first. And I do love those friends. I definitely do. I don't take it for granted. But I also think that our relationships, as much as I appreciate it, and I am sure they do as well. They also have other friends that I think are as close or closer the them and vice versa, then we are close.

I know that I complain a lot. But Its really just complaining to myself. I don't really complain to others, I kind of put on a persona. But It isnt exactly a persona, its really me. I'm just a bit depressed right now because I'm drinking and alone(well with my roommate). But I am generally happy. But I think that when I'm happy I am in a kind of imagining that everything is alright. But really its not. Anyway. I'm gonna go now. I'll have to catch up with you later.

Livin La vida Loca

I was sitting here, opened up to the blog page and then the title just came to me. Livin La Vida Loca, haha I don't know why. And then it made me think of the Thong Song by sisco, and now I'm watching the video which is a good deal. You know, its kinda weird how google owns everything. They own this website, they own YouTube, they own google lol.

Hmm, it's been a lazy ass day, just lazed the hell around. Did nothing, didnt go out to any parties tonight. I drank thursday and friday so that was enough I guess. Thursday holy crap, I drank this old ass liquor I had sitting around and ended up tossing up in the morning 3 times haha. I had to leave class and I didnt even make it to the bathroom lol. What a day that was, and then I was drinking by 8 oclock again lol. Thats whats good. I have also been really trying to push myself to flirt with girls better/ more naturally is probably a better description. And I've been doing pretty well, holding good conversations and not really leaving room for friendship trying to keep more a dominant roll in the conversation which I think has been good. I'm determined to get better at closing the deal by the end of this semester, hopefully by the end of the month, I just need to keep meeting new people.

Meeting new people, not even just girls, mostly though, is going to be the theme of this year. I want to broaden my social horizons. I need a type of action plan to do this, but I am positive that I can pull it off and meet a lot of new homies. Make mad homies, that is the plan. Bring some love into my life. Today I just lazed around with my roommate and watched like 50 movies haha, that not exactly meeting new people but it was pouring rain out, and actually, I met two new girls this morning and did awesome with keeping the conversation going and I think I put myself in a sort of good place in their minds. Success.

I need a life. I need a girl. I need to keep up my grades and motivate myself. I need to practice more guitar. I need a new toy. I need to sleep better. I need to be more comfortable with myself. I need to leave each day with no regrets, and progress with each day. I have to eat healthier. I have to go to the gym. I have to keep writing this blog.

I would like to buy myself either a new guitar, or something flashy like a nice big new tv. I do spend a lot of money, and I have to stop. But I have all this money coming to me now and I love buying new things haha, its a problem. I'm like a girl. I can't wait to pass out tonight, I think I'm going to take that melatonin and see how it works. I really love my bed, thats a plus right? Life has been pretty good lately, I feel really good about my decision to take some time off. I have been working nonstop since second semester freshmen year, and now its first semester junior year, I'll make sure to get a job before I turn 21 so that I just dont drain my bank account on alcohol.

Anyway, also, my ex girl friend messaged me on facebook. Which I thought was pretty damn cool. I'm sure she is just thinking about me and trying to see how I am doing, I know that there is no sort of romantic premise to the message but it was nice to hear from her regardless. We all know that I miss her and feel that the break up was mostlikely a mistake, but really, it was something that had to happen. I grew because of my time alone, and I did a lot of things I would not have done had we been together. Thats something that I never really realized before now. One great reason to write about you're feelings is that you open up areas of you're life and come to realizations like that, that normally you never would think of. Its pretty cool really. I told her we should hang out, and I really do want to, I think we can be good friends like we used to without and romantic involvement. And I think we should try to be friends like that, I am definitely mature enough and ready to hear about her boy friend or whoever and feel genuine happiness for her. Thats something I know in the past I was incapable of.

Damn my chest is so fuckin sore, I dont remember the last time I was this sore. I worked out hardcore at the gym like wednesday and today its fuckin hittin me, actually maybe thursday. I mean worked out both days, and today too but I did chest thursday. I'm trying to get myself back into the gym, back in shape. I'm gonna go because im getting tired. Goodnight.

Thinking

So I have really been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I have a really difficult decision to make and I feel like I am looking everywhere for an answer and I'm just not coming to a conclusion at all. This is probably the first blog I've written in a long time and will actually post. Sometimes I sign on, write a paragraph or two and don't post it, I'm not sure why. I think that just typing it all out is therapeutic enough without posting it on the world wide web.

How do I want the next year of my life to play out? And how will this next year effect the next and possibly others beyond. In the end, I want to just be happy, and successful. I want to succeed most at being happy. You know, this may be a classic case of the grass is always greener, but I think I need a serious companion. Whether it be a dog(which I really want), a new awesome friend, or best of all, a new girlfriend. It is undoubtedly time for a new girl I feel like. I think anyone that reads this blog is pretty sure about that also. But in the end I have to decide which way am I going to reach this. I have a world of options infront of me, and right now it seems like so few. Its one or the other, a life with choices, or a life dictated as it has been this past year. With the internship I just endured, at a first glance, it is an internship of great freedom. On the inside however, it is more of a prison. Mentally it is a prison. You are so consistently confined to the stresses and successes and good times and bad, but all of this, all of these feelings are in relation to one thing, to one item in life, to this one job or intership. Thats the life I led the past 8 months. I just don't know if I can live that life again. I feel so close to being free of that, to making choices again. Do I want to take the day off? Do I want to go to this party? Should I get another job or an internship? Picking the right thing for me is something I'll have a hard time doing. I recently took a short trip on my own to sort of soul search and just explore and take time off. And most of the time I had only one thing on my mind, and that was work. That is not the type of life I would like to lead. Its unfortunate that I cannot seperate myself from work the way I would want to, if I could, then this decision would not be so difficult.

With girls, I need to set more serious goals. Find one. Find two or three. Hang out with some girls I used to chill with, and chill with some new ones. I need to be confident enough to meet girls in situations that I normally would not. Thats important for sure.

Day 2:

This is a two day blog because I passed out while writing it. This morning I got a text from a girl trying to convince me to stick with this job. We'll talk later. Also, last night I got a call from a girl who is a good friend of mine. Probably one of the few people who I would consider a good friend, and oddly enough, we're probably not even that great of friends, but we can always be open with each other about things, and thats something important to me. I am not very open with a lot of people, but I think that when people really begin to open up to me I am willing to open up with them. I was watching a show, and I really related to one of the people yesterday. Its a reality show of course.

'I have 150 acquaintances'

Thats pretty much my life exactly. What keeps me from getting close to people? Something funny is that people immediately take a liking to me for some reason. I wont do anything special but people begin to trust and like me within a short period of time. I really do not know what it is. But that trait is what gets me 150 acquaintances. Not 150 friends, or 150 best friends. Not even 5 people that I feel I can really depend on to be there for me, and that I think I can tell anything, or really see myself being life long friends with. Honestly, however, my friends from back home are certainly a step above my friends from school. Thats pretty weird right? All the people from my home town really remained good friends with their original group. Kind of strange. People always say you'll never talk to people from highschool again. And fortunately for me, I do. Maybe people from New Jersey are not the type of people for me. I doubt it, lol. People everywhere are pretty similar. Anyway, im getting distracted so I'm gonna go. Later babes.

Life Update

Word, Im at the library. Supposed to be studying but I thought I would take a quick blog break. I have been enjoying finals time lol. I feel like I have more free time to just relax, relax and study. I finished up at the restaurant, and last week I made it to number 1 intern in Jersey so I'm feelin pretty good about that. I have been enjoying just studying by myself and getting it done, no other people or distractions. My roommates have been annoying me worse then ever of course. I mean its all psycological, in my head I say their annoying and then everything they do gets on my nerves. Really Im just angry about the whole situation and I cant wait to get out of it. Moving is going to be nice, and now I am getting a bit nervous about that lol. But it should be fun I think. I gotta get to the gym lol. I have missed alot cause I was sick. But I gotta get out there before I move, I mean we're living with three hot ass girls, I gotta be lookin fly.
I am pumped to get over there tho. I'm pumped for tuesday when finals are over and school is done! Then Im just going big time internship on the ASAP. Its gonna be serious. I'm like a scavenger, watching out for like every girl. I have been thinking a lot about my ex. It sucks. I just want a girl like that. Whatever. I think I'll probably pull a 3.0 or 3.2(Im in the midst of adding labels and I ended up with a 3.5) this semester which I'm pretty damn happy with after working so much thats not fuckin bad dude. I do like being me. It's not bad. I just gotta get some chillin time in. Get away from the negativity of my house and get back to my roots. Chill with the homies. Find a good girl to settle down with. Hopefully something creeps up this summer. I'm excited to go see my dad this weekend. I'm taking off a bit early to go get some dinner with him in the city with my sisters. Thats the word.
I dont know I thought I had some more thoughts to go over but I really dont have that much. Maybe later I will. I always have the same thoughts anyway. You can read last weeks blog and itll be the same lol. I just need to periodically flush um out. Cool dude. Back to work. Later babe.

I can't wait to get out dude

Seriously, I cannot wait to move. And honestly, after the summer I just feel like transferring, this environment is really draining for me now. Life has been just been hard lately. You know I've got class, work, and the internship and its freakin busy as hell. I am currently one of the top interns in the nation though, so that feels good. Its starting to pay off. I can't wait for school to end. I don't think I really did all that well this semester. We'll see how it ends up. I'm gonna be getting a grade back on a paper today, that'll have a pretty serious impact on my grade. I'm a slacker this semester. The summer is going to be very stressful, but hopefully fun. I set a dollar goal for myself, and if I do that much in sales I will have made about 30,000 by the end of the summer. So thats not too bad for a college kid.
I had a dream last night which fuckin sucked. It was with the girl that I have been thinking a lot about lately, and she came up to me and my friend and starts talking to her and she invites my friend to go to this show or something that she's in and doesnt invite me to go. Everyone of my friends but me was really invited. And its pretty much just a reflection of reality. About 2 or 3 weeks ago I get home from work and my friends are heading out and they're like, 'are you coming', and I didnt know where, and they were heading to this girls house for a party that she said nothing to me about. Me and this girl used to be mad tight, me and my friends used to be mad tight, shit just got wack over this year. I don't really know how to fix it all you know? I mean I can see how I pretty much created this environment for myself by working so much. But you know I'm at the point where I have to work, and now I just can't get out of a lot of my obligations. Its not my fault that these kids are fuckin lazy, and privileged, and don't work a fuckin day, sit around and can still afford to smoke weed, with their parents money. Its ridiculous. Life man. What can I do. I have a lot to think about. I just know this last month in the house may just be miserable. Atleast the next 2 weeks during finals, if they move back home then shit will be good. Hopefully they do.

6ft Small

I was watching made today. The kid could not read his lyrics to his friends and made coach, I felt bad for him, but I realize and know that what is holding me back from writing lyrics is my fear of people hearing them also. So I began to write and I came up with stuff I liked. I mean they coach said just write down everything that comes to your mind and it can become lyrics eventually its just your feelings. And I really do that with this blog most of the time, just write out my thoughts. So here goes, here is some of what I wrote to guitar something along these lines atleast:

Its 11 oclock, its 11 oh 1,
I'm sitting here dreaming of the morning sun,
Because I know this night will be just like the rest,
I'll try to be natural, and dress my best.

I want you to give me this last appeal,
I need to see if this how I truely feel,
Is one first kiss to much to ask?
If you dont like it it can be our last.

Through this claustrophobic house I can see your face,
I try to smile and make my last and final case,
thats what I said the last time,
I try to smile and make my last and final case,
that what I said the last time.


I want you to give me this last appeal,
I need to see if this how I truely feel,
Is one first kiss to much to ask?
If you dont like it it can be our last.

I wrote you this song because I can barely speak,
When I see you I just feel so damn weak,
I have this cryptonite I keep close to my heart,
It hurts so bad but I just can't fuckin part!

I wrote you this song because I can barely speak,
When I see you I just feel so damn freakin weak,
As the shadows fall upon me I watch this come apart,
Like a torn seam, from my quilted heart.

So give me this last appeal,
I need to see if this how I truely feel,
Is this kill to much to ask?
Its not your first, won't be your last.
Its not your first, won't be your last.

Not bad dude, Not bad. Letting those feeling out, you feel me? Are those lyrics corny? I guess really in a lot of ways all lyrics are corny. I think I might try this when I get home and see how it goes. I wrote alot of this just now actually. This is really about this party we had this past weekend, that damn girl that I fuckin liked forever was there of course and its just like I want to just pull her in and kiss her and see how it goes, but I dont have the guts lol, I mean I know that wouldnt go over well lol. Anyway, I really have to get going on my paper now and finish my tax extension filing, I'll catch u negros later.

Look into your eyes without shakin

My main issue in life is my assertiveness. I need to develop that part of myself. And I need to develop it this week. Ha, I have to be able to tell people how it it, and just be very a matter of fact about it. This is this and that is that, and its true, you can't question me cause I am right, take it or leave it. I pinpointed some major cracks in my estimating system and to fix a crack you have to caulk the seam by running a bead of caulk down it, smoothing it out with your thumb and then painting over that to protect the caulk and blend it in with the home. So I have to fill my crack and blend it in with myself. Be assertive while still keeping my original personality. Just having people trust me as I am. Two things I will break them down into two categories which were broken down for me.

1. Make them like you.
-Build Rapport, ask questions
-Include Facts about yourself
-Why are you doing this?
-Done at kitchen table.
-Must build trust.
-10 minutes minimum rapport building
-Keep asking questions about themselves