Thinking

So I have really been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I have a really difficult decision to make and I feel like I am looking everywhere for an answer and I'm just not coming to a conclusion at all. This is probably the first blog I've written in a long time and will actually post. Sometimes I sign on, write a paragraph or two and don't post it, I'm not sure why. I think that just typing it all out is therapeutic enough without posting it on the world wide web.

How do I want the next year of my life to play out? And how will this next year effect the next and possibly others beyond. In the end, I want to just be happy, and successful. I want to succeed most at being happy. You know, this may be a classic case of the grass is always greener, but I think I need a serious companion. Whether it be a dog(which I really want), a new awesome friend, or best of all, a new girlfriend. It is undoubtedly time for a new girl I feel like. I think anyone that reads this blog is pretty sure about that also. But in the end I have to decide which way am I going to reach this. I have a world of options infront of me, and right now it seems like so few. Its one or the other, a life with choices, or a life dictated as it has been this past year. With the internship I just endured, at a first glance, it is an internship of great freedom. On the inside however, it is more of a prison. Mentally it is a prison. You are so consistently confined to the stresses and successes and good times and bad, but all of this, all of these feelings are in relation to one thing, to one item in life, to this one job or intership. Thats the life I led the past 8 months. I just don't know if I can live that life again. I feel so close to being free of that, to making choices again. Do I want to take the day off? Do I want to go to this party? Should I get another job or an internship? Picking the right thing for me is something I'll have a hard time doing. I recently took a short trip on my own to sort of soul search and just explore and take time off. And most of the time I had only one thing on my mind, and that was work. That is not the type of life I would like to lead. Its unfortunate that I cannot seperate myself from work the way I would want to, if I could, then this decision would not be so difficult.

With girls, I need to set more serious goals. Find one. Find two or three. Hang out with some girls I used to chill with, and chill with some new ones. I need to be confident enough to meet girls in situations that I normally would not. Thats important for sure.

Day 2:

This is a two day blog because I passed out while writing it. This morning I got a text from a girl trying to convince me to stick with this job. We'll talk later. Also, last night I got a call from a girl who is a good friend of mine. Probably one of the few people who I would consider a good friend, and oddly enough, we're probably not even that great of friends, but we can always be open with each other about things, and thats something important to me. I am not very open with a lot of people, but I think that when people really begin to open up to me I am willing to open up with them. I was watching a show, and I really related to one of the people yesterday. Its a reality show of course.

'I have 150 acquaintances'

Thats pretty much my life exactly. What keeps me from getting close to people? Something funny is that people immediately take a liking to me for some reason. I wont do anything special but people begin to trust and like me within a short period of time. I really do not know what it is. But that trait is what gets me 150 acquaintances. Not 150 friends, or 150 best friends. Not even 5 people that I feel I can really depend on to be there for me, and that I think I can tell anything, or really see myself being life long friends with. Honestly, however, my friends from back home are certainly a step above my friends from school. Thats pretty weird right? All the people from my home town really remained good friends with their original group. Kind of strange. People always say you'll never talk to people from highschool again. And fortunately for me, I do. Maybe people from New Jersey are not the type of people for me. I doubt it, lol. People everywhere are pretty similar. Anyway, im getting distracted so I'm gonna go. Later babes.