What A World You Love

What about the code of the ocean?

2009-03-03T00:06:00.001-08:00

So here is the official update. Life has certainly changed a whole lot for me since the last time I've been here. I'm not sure how long ago my last blog post was, but it certainly must be atleast a month ago. From now on I feel like writing things in a business letter or paper format. I'll state my thesis and go from there to belabor my points.

Let me preface my thesis, which I originally did not intend on doing with a short excerpt from
My life. Within the past 3 weeks I have fallin for this girl. She's so cool, and I really like her. You have only heard me day that I like a girl about one other person, guarenteed. This is special for me. Luckily for me, she also likes me, and without getting into the details of the scenario we hooked up. She happens to be a good friend of mines ex. Did I make a mistake? No, I am really begining to see the light in this situation. Long story short, he is furious and has it out for me, more complicated then I can describe on this iPhone

Thesis: I am at an interesting intersection of my life because I have choices to make about my friends, my lovers, and myself that I have never had to face before.

My friends.

I can tell who my real friends are. Actually, I am in the process of discovering who they are. Most of my band is certainly in the circle, one of them is on a thin line currently because he betrayed me, but I understand how and why he did it, and he knows he is at fault. Some of my friends see my point of view, some care to take the time out to see it. Some choose to see only one side and sit back and assume the worst of me, that I fucked over my friend. Are they really my friends? Are they people I care to have as friends? If this situation did not shed light on who I can and cannot count on, then what about when I really needed someone in the future? What if something worse had happened? Who could I count on then? Now I know. I want to give a shout out to mikeyx, jimmy, anthony, dano, brett and pat. You'll never read this or know about it, but I sincerely appreciate your ability to recognize both sides of this fiasco.

At what point did I realize this would become a fiasco? This situation are the vines that climb up the bricks of a old brownstown building in Brooklyn. When the seeds began to sprout no one was aware that one day the vines would break apart the bricks and creep underneath the floors. I never realized. And now Im caught up inside the house wondering how I should handle this pest.

My lovers.

Is this girl worth all of the trouble? Does that even matter? Why should it? Why shouldn't I be with her even temporarilly if she's making me happy? We are having a good time. Who should tell me I can do that? I should stop out of a friends jealousy? Who is more selfish here, is it myself? Or is it my friend? I truly do not know the answer. Do I want a relationship?don't I know that this girl isn't right for me? Why do I want her so bad? Why do I have so many questions? All I know is that I don't need to sit around wondering what if, and what could have been?

What could have been?

I'll have to finish this blog later, fingers getting tired.

A weekend to make me think

2009-02-02T22:43:00.000-08:00

I decided that I would try and exercise tonight.

I want to think of events that have shaped my life, shaped who I am today, now. And why?

I may just review some moments I remember of my childhood. Why am I who I am.

I was on metafilter reading a blog about life changing experiences and the events that shaped peoples lives actually made me almost shed a tear. And I dont tear very often. It was intense. Its intense hearing the little things, or sometimes big things that change how people are. And who they are now. Years and years later.

Well. Here goes.

Experience 1 : When I was younger I was disciplined seriously for being out of line slightly. Once, my sister and I brought a lighter to school. We were caught, and sentenced to a 2 month intense lockdown in the house, grounding. My dad also beat us when we were little, and for me, that definitely taught me what would be appropriate and what would not be. I really believe that, I work hard today because I felt what being out of line could be.

Experience 2 : I learned at an early age that my parents were real people. The realization struck, quick, and hard, mostlikely around the time of their divorce. I think divorce may be hard on children because it makes them see their parents for who they are before they can handle it. For me, I could handle it, and I knew it was for the best. But I was still worried, and confused. My parents were never the same to me after that. Now I'm almost 21, and both of my parents are complete people. I can see every flaw and every grace for what they are, and I can see them for who they are. I know that I will not be better parents then they were. None of us are perfect.

Experience 3 : My friend had told me at age 7 that he was going to do heroine when he was old because it was only as bad as smoking a pack of cigaretts per day. I couldnt comprehend his logic. I couldnt understand that thought process, and it hit me that I dont relate to the way most people think. Thats when I realized I was different, not only on the outside, but on the inside.

Experience 4 : I'll finish this up tomorrow.

Its been some time

2009-01-26T13:54:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about blogging a little bit lately. Not too much, but I figured maybe its time to get my feelings out. I have been enjoying life still I'd say. The band is doing really well, we have been playing all of our shows really tight, our live performance is better then it way, however it can get better. But everywhere we go we have been very good reception from people, definitely makes us feel really good. I appreciate everyone out there that comes to see us, and even does watch us but doesnt come out for us, and to those of you that may come out to see us in the future I am greatful. We have been asked to come back to play again pretty much everywhere. Its great.

Spending time with everyone in the band and that we meet has also been great. Sometimes its hard seeing people a trillion time in a row and and for 15 hours straight all weekend haha be sometimes its just a blast and although sometimes we're fed up with eachother in the end thats how it goes and its all gravy we're all happy to be playing together. Its absolutely the best group I've every played with.

Girls.Met this girl at a show, thought she was sweet. She was cute, cute voice, she may be almost too involved in activities though haha. More ambitious and curious then myself I'd say.But I do want to get to know her more and see what she's really about. I definitely would want to hook up with her at the least. And I think I can. There's only one problem. My boy. He also like her. Not sure how this is going to pan out,but I'll let you know. Its kind of like if he cant have her no one can is how I'm feeling but the deal that's just not legit so I think I'm going to explain to him that it is just being selfish, and I know its hard to see a friend hook up with a girl you like and shit but the if I cant you cant deal is not legit. So I would like to.

Anyway. I dunno. Not really into school this semester, not into business, not into thinking about a real future. I am into fantasizing about my band touring year round and shit like that. We are going to tour for a month this summer which is great. I do usually combine facts with fantasy though. With the way things are going if we pick up a bit more we can be signed Id say by next summer. About a year and half. My horiscope today said that my analyitcal and intuitive sides have been clashing lately. I feel that that's true, I have seen them clash lately, I have felt them clash, seen them clash. Ironically, I was answering questions for class today, and online survey which in a way describes what type of person you are and how you make decisions and all that ish. And I was conflicted on a lot of questions because I couldn't decide if I was leaning more towards my intuitive self or analytical. Very much so lately though I have been leaning towards my intuitive self. Overall I am an intuitive person, make much of my decisions on how I think they'll turn out. On my gut, just saying I trust that this is the right decision.

Version of myself

2009-01-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if I blogged about this already, but if I have forgive me, I'm too lazy to check my last blog.

Lately, I feel like another version of myself. Like and anti social, more observant version of myself. I haven't been feeling as conversational, and I have been feeling more cynical. Just thinking of reasons why the people I'm with don't really matter much to me anymore. And sometimes its been that way with people that I actually really like. I'm just in an odd emotional state. Who knows why? Overall things are pretty good, its just something that possesses me sometimes. Anyway, I'm considering taking this girl out on a date, either that or bringing her just out to a party with me to chill...which do you think? I can't decide, I'm thinking probably get to know her at party and then see if she's worth a dinner...that makes the most sense. Thrice is pretty good by the way, pick up some shit by them. later.

Monday

2008-12-22T18:57:00.000-08:00

Life is just life right now. I'm openly avoiding my roommates right now. I've just been locking my door and trying to not hang out with them. It's kind of just the way things are right now. I'm not feeling especially social, nor do I see any benefits from their friendship, and I also know that friendship with them is always going to be shallow, so its useless. I think that all of my relationships are shallow. I'm just that kind of a person. I tried to chill with some of my friends today, but now its 10pm and no one hit me up. But the wierd thing is that even as I write this I'm not really upset about it, its just the way my life is. And i know that. I definitely know that my entire life will be this way. Its been this way since I had my first friend, and I'll be this way with my last friend. At least I had friends on some level. If I really need interaction I can have it.

I've been locked in my room now for literally 8.5 hours now. Since 11.30. I took two showers, watched some episodes of the Wire and played guitar. I think I blogged that I was going to work really hard at guitar. And I have been working. I need my electric though, its at my friends place and I only have my acoustic. But I guess when I get to my electric it will just be even easier to play the things I'm stuggling on. And i love my elec anyway. Should i go get some food? I'm not really hungry for anything. I could go for a drink of some sort. What if I just got drunk tonight by myself. I dont think I could do that. lol. Sounds boring. I got some dunkin donuts coffee yesterday and it sucked, I got some ABP coffee today, and it sucked. fuck that!

Blogging is a funny thing

2008-12-17T22:29:00.000-08:00

I blog especially when there are things on my mind that I can't get out any other way. I can't really express this feeling to anyone yet. I want to. Getting it out will make me feel so much better, I know it is something that I can't fix. So, I'll just tell you..the internet.

I'm in this band Lux Astra and we are pretty ballin id say. But the thing is that, I am pretty much the Rhythm guitar player - or guitar 2. I am relatively new to the band( not to the players in the band or the scene ), but being guitar 2 sucks. And the thing thats even worse is that I am guitar 2 in life - I am never recognized for being a good guitar player. Not in my home town atleast. Only at school. I am much better school. At home, I'm a guitar nobody. I'm a guitar nobody even thought I'm really just number 3. I am the third best. Third best might as well be third worst. The worst. I might as well suck shit dicks. I get no recognition, and we all know I love recognition. This inner conflict may just be the death of me in this band. Every day I hear things like it sucks cause I can only work with our guitar 1. Or what if 1st and 2nd best guitar players got together to play. That would be crazy. Like fuck! Shouldn't it be crazy enough that guitar player 1 and 3 are together. Sorry now that I introduced this new guitar player I am 3 and the other guitar player in my band is 1, which he is tied for I'd say. Fuck! It's just so frustrating, I mean evvvvveryone says things like that. And I think people just don't realize what its like. I mean I have dedicated a lot of time and love to practicing and playing guitar. And first of all, when I'm not the best I hate it, and when I'm not the best at something I LOVE so much, it just hurts. It hurts to hear it. And I know it! But getting slapped in the face with it, and having people tell me im not the best all the time(in directly) and just never recognizing me and a best, sucks. I mean I'm not even in the other guitar players league as far as everyone else is concerned. Maybe I need to spend this break going crazy practicing guitar, I think thats what I need to do. I'll have a lot of time and practice makes perfect. I think I'm scared, or maybe I just know that practicing for 8 hours straight like it used to may not happen anymore. Especially when Im just affraid of failing, of never getting any better then I am now. What if I'm just not destined to be so good? Anything I've been good at, I've had to fight the shit for. Go crazy trying to be best. I'm just frustrated.

A day for reflection

2008-12-09T23:00:00.000-08:00

Sorry.

I'm sorry I have forgotten you. I have forgotten what the freedom of writing can do for me. My life has been in a good place, the better things get the more I forget about you. I'm sorry for that. But I guess its good for both of us considering you are me. I control you, and if I'm happy you're happy. So I have decided to write today because the simplicity of a lonely phone call inspired nostalgia in me. Nostalgia which lead to reflection, nostalgia which made me recognize how quickly time is moving. It feel as though this semester just began, the fact that it's just ending feels rediculous. I remember everything that has happened over this fast paced semester, and it all feels so muted. Its memories without sound, like a montage in my mind. Although, it feels as though it all began yesterday, all the memories feel so far away. What is that? Why is that?

I have lost sight of many things. I have brought into focus many things as well. I have changed. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I changed. Last night, we were talking about how one of my friends has not changed at all, how he's just as he was 5 years ago. I'm barely the same person I was one month ago. Is the change in me necessarily bad. No. Infact, most likely it is necessarily good. I am happy that my mom accepts the way that I like to live my life. My current dilemma lies in the fact that I see a near sighted future with my band, and a long term dissapointment. What do I do with myself when we're not successful anymore? Hold on to the past? When is giving up the way to go? I'm finding some pretty good lyrics in this blog. I have a feeling that getting to bed is going to be hard on me tonight. I'm going to try soon though. Check my band out at http://myspace.com/luxastranj.

Down

2008-11-24T20:04:00.000-08:00

Im feeling down right now. It's really only because I'm really tired and my roommate situation has been increasingly frustrating for me. I just keep getting the feeling that he's only here because he has to be you know? And its like, why am I going to try to get him to come out or set up things to do, and things if its just not going to make anything change. I shouldn't do it if he's just going to go home every chance he gets because that attitude is a drain on me. I just need to do things for myself. I mean its not like he ever sets plans himself unless they're to go home, and usually the only time he's interested in going out is if our friend ange is involved. I have been procrastinating a lot! I just cannot focus on anything because I'm so distracted by making things like that up top. That Banner is pretty baller too! I'm so ballin at this. I think I blogged yesterday? Right? This weekend was awesome and this has been a great semester. Haha Dharma and Greg, gets me everytime lol.

I'm going to take some NyQuil, shower. And passout. Peace.

Sorry I've been gone

2008-11-23T16:57:00.000-08:00

Hey bros. I know its been a while, I'm sorry. I've been busy, less enthused to blog for some reason. Been playing music, playing with pictures { aka top photo } hangin with friends, studying and drinking. Going on the official start of week 4 of being sick. Kind of curious if I'm just still sick because of my bad habits. We'll see. But anyway, that banner is pretty baller right. I'm pumped about it I love it. I think I'm going to make it our top pic on the page. Click on it and check out the myspace.

This was another great weekend. Absolutely aweseome. This is officially one of the best semesters of my college career. Probably first semester freshmen year and then this semester, second semester freshmen year, and first semester sophmore year. Thats the top semesters order probably...Hmm not sure though. But I think thats about right, yea. I've got to take a shower. I was petting my dog and got her dander all over me and I get so allergic and itchy. I should shave too. I'm like a grizzly bear.

I love the song Paper Planes by MIA. Awesome.

I feel like I've been gone a while

2008-11-18T17:44:00.000-08:00

I know I only skipped one day but I feel like I haven't really blogged in a while. My space bar is hard to press down right now and is rising back up slowly, its pissing me off. So.

I mentioned how I went to spend some time with my dad this weekend. My dad is big into astrology. So we we're talking about how I was getting interested in astrology and that I related with Pisces a lot, and I said the only part that I don't feel is really me is 'weak willed' which if you look into previous blogs I mentioned this. My dad, the genius that he is, said that's because of my 'ascending sign' { I think that's what he called it' which has to do with the time you're born and all that is Capricorn, and Capricorn's are extremely strong willed. You're ascending sign is the way people view you. Which is so interesting. Because I think that's definitely true. I have been called regularly almost every descriptive term of a capricorn. Specifically, they are looked up to as 'ballers' one might say { Really I would only say it like that, and that they tend to be Work-a-holics, they also mentioned that people see them as odd { and I believe that a lot of people probably see me as odd }. An odd-baller that is.

Personally, I do feel that I relate with a lot of parts of that sign, particularly, the idea of being hard working, always needing to strive to be the best and not knowing why. But I wouldn't consider myself a pessimist which is a characteristic of Capricorn. The funny thing is that Capricorn and Pisces are good match for relationships, I'm essentially an all in one combo right here.

I have finally been paid! Once it clears, and it may take a while... I'll get my tattoo, or maybe I will just use my CC and pay it off when the money transfers. I also want to buy a new pair of glasses.

Great Nights with no Plot

2008-11-16T10:50:00.000-08:00

This weekend was actually really good. And I only drank one night out of the week. That's a record. It's because I'm still sick, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. But anyway, so Thursday did nothing, Friday went to see Role Models, and yesterday I went into the city for a nice lunch with my dad, his girl friend, and my sisters. After that my dad, sister and I went to go see Madagascar 2 which was honestly really funny. I need to go watch the first one now because I've only seen some of it.

My sister and I got back on the train home around {615} and we were both feeling sick. But spending time with my younger sister is always good for both of us. She needs time with me and as much as I need time with her. She is definitely the youngest. She needs me to be there as her older brother. And she needs my sister to be there as her older sister but our older sister can't see the value in accepting her. In the past our younger sister was a pain, and received a ton of special treatment, and now she does continue live a less restricted life then both my sister and I enjoyed, but that's just the nature of parenting. Its a learning process. And my younger sister is a special case. She may still stretch the truth, and she may still be a bit bratty sometimes. But some of what she learned is a direct result of watching my older sister. In no way is my older sister a liar, however, she does feel entitled to special treatment as far as doing her part around the house. So, anyway, one day my older sister will see that our younger sister needs her love, and that she is deserving of it. For my entire immediate family, the only family we have is our immediate family. My mom, dad, and the three of us. There is barely of glimmer of valuable family relationships past this. And in the future, my sisters will both be glad to have each other. Because whether they see it or not, the love between us is truly unconditional.

Ok, so after that tangent, I went to band practice, which was great for 15 minutes and then we just sat around and chilled. Got beer, went to my place, and had a blast chilling out. Some of my roommates friends came by and we just hung out drank, got food, played music and laughed and had a blast. Its those nights which make me feels so good. Makes me feel good to have these people that I love around me, and these people that I truely enjoy their company, and that enjoy mine. I most of the band yesterday that I was in for the long haul. That I was willing to quit school if we got signed, which I mentioned in the past I see as a far off goal { I don't want it to seem like I see it as an immediate possibility, a lot of things must change in the band first }, but we have the potential. And there is no group of people I would rather play music with. The music is great if you're into the genre and the music is continuing to evolve and everyone is awesome. Alright, I'm going to go take a shit and then get to work.

Friday Night Lights

2008-11-14T22:08:00.000-08:00

It's been a day.

Just a day. One of those days. Not particularly stimulating. I went to bed feeling pretty sick, woke up feeling pretty sick, and now I'm feeling pretty sick. I have been feeling increasingly annoyed towards each of my roommates. For different reasons. If you read the last post about those passive aggressive notes then you'll have one reason. My roommate { the one actually in my room } has been getting on my nerves as well. Two reasons:

1. His lack of motivation: If I did not have a desire to go out, we would be staying in watching you tube videos all day every day. If I did not have a desire to go to the gym, we would be extremely fat. Those are a few prime examples, probably the ones that get me annoyed the most.

2. His need to watch news all day. He watches YouTube videos about Ron Paul and Bush, and Nader. Then we watch Jon Stewart, Colbert, and then turn it to MSNBC, CNN, Fox. Then when that's done, he'll watch more news related Youtube videos. I'm not sure exactly why this annoys me. It's just that it gets annoying to have to be around news all the time. And it consumes him. He gets all of his opinions from these videos. Whatever.

So Obviously its Friday night and I'm not out. Mostly, that's not by choice. I am glad that I stayed in. But the fact that it took until 1030 for me to find out about anything that was going on, kind of annoyed me. I texted a bunch of my friends to see what they were doing. And the only ones that texted me back were'nt doing anything either lol. Rutgers. What a place. I was stressing out because I couldn't find anything to do and my friends we're supposed to come up. They ended up not coming because by 9 I had nothing in the works. By 10 I went to the movies to go see ''Role Model's''. Good movie. I really did thoroughly enjoy it.

This morning { around 11am } I was at Au Bon Pain and I spilled Tea all over my laptop, my backpack and the table. It sucked. My laptop didn't function properly for a few hours. Now its completely back to normal. It was funny though, slowly things would get better, all of a sudden a function would start working again, and then another one. Now its back to normal. Then! I was at my house and I spilt water all over my phone. I think that's back to normal now too, but it wasn't for a while. Boo.

Passive Aggressive Notes

2008-11-13T21:07:00.001-08:00

This is a passive aggressive note. So annoying. When you live in a house, these things happen. People hate confrontation so much that these notes take the place of uncomfortable situations. This note has been sitting on the sink in my kitchen for at least 13 hours now. Annoyed? Yeah, I'm annoyed. I have to be the one to endure confrontation with the culprit because is so annoyed. If this was the house I was in last year I wouldn't have cared about the minimal mess. It took a lot more before we got these notes last year. But we had um. I'm going to keep documenting these notes and posting them up here and on this sweet website I just found Passive Aggressive Notes dot Com. Pretty baller website. I hate passive aggressive notes, I feel like it intensifies the tension and drama. Anyway, next topic.

Ew. Food { I love food // I hate watching people eat } . I was on the bus yesterday { or the day before } and I was sitting about a foot an a half from a girl who was eating, and I was facing her. It made me so uncomfortable. Watching her eat. I felt as if I was invading her privacy. It seemed so intimate. Satisfying you're self in that way just seems so intimate. It was as if I was watching her have sex right there in front of me. If felt that intense. I was disgused by it. I hope no one ever watches me eat.

Maybe its different while you're eating as well, or maybe it depends on the person, or you're relation to them. It's not as if I always feel this way.

Tattoo Finale?

2008-11-12T08:17:00.000-08:00

I think thats it. I do. I don't think that theres much more that can be done. It looks perfect. My favorite part now is the waves with the sun. Hopefully I can have some color [ I won't get it if it won't show up well on my skin ]. But maybe Red and Orange for the sun, dark blue waves, dark red mountains, and dark green for the vines [ including the treble clef ]. Shades of black for everything else. I'm really obsessed with this tattoo. In every class I try drawing it, and when I come up with an idea that I like I just stare at it continuously. I've been going back and forth between scrolling up and looking at the image and typing. It feels so right. Thats what I'm happy about. It feels so right to have this as my tattoo. I started looking up tattoos on dark skin, and someone brought up getting a keloid [ which is more common on dark skinned people ] but they generally develop on people who are prone to them, and I have never gotten a keloid and I have a good number of scars and piercings already so I doubt I'll have any trouble.

I'm really excited. I hope that I can get it this weekend. I'll have to call my friend and find out if she set an appointment and with which artist she used. There's a tattoo place near by which I've always heard good things about named 'Revolver'. So I'll probably go over there.

I want to plug my other blog again, { The Lucid Dream Experiment } because it is good. And it will become better and better. Dreamwise I was a bit disapointed last night but we'll see how things go tonight.

Unfortunately I have to skip band practice tonight because I have a TON of work to do [ I'm procrastinating at the library right now ]. I just realized how I have an exam tomorrow and I have to much reading to do, then at 5 I have to meet for a group meeting, and I have a difficult HW assignment due tomorrowm, AND I have one or two exams [ I'll have to confirm 1 ] on tuesday which I have to start studying for as well. My minds gonna explode but I NEED to bring in the grades. OK!

I've been looking into Salvia lately. It is a legal way to experience hallucinations. The scary thing is that has a high rate of having 'bad trips'. But it only lasts for about 3-5 minutes, and if I try the lowest dose it shouldn't be such a bad deal. It is natural, used by native americans and all that.

NEWS!

This is from an article on MSNBC.com which I think was writen by the NYTimes. Firstly, I thought it was hilarious. But to highlight what i think is awesome the next part mentioned how they we're saying 'Sunni's and Shiite's are brothers!' I think that's so awesome. This is all because a bridge had opened back up. I think its pretty awesome. This makes me feel like we are doing good over there. However, the only reason the bridge was closed, was because of violence about 3 years ago, which we can safetly assume was a direct resulf of the Iraq war. So are we doing more good then we did damage, I'm not sure. Maybe eventually.

The artical also mentioned that Iraqis were very happy to see Barack Obama elected citing that they hope that he can change the policies towards Iraq. I wonder if they are interested in a with drawal from Iraq? The interesting thing however is that the troops will go straight from Iraq into Afganistan. I can forsee Obama having a low approval rating already. No one wants our troops in another country. I dunno...we'll see, gotta keep our hopes high.

I'm so cliche' me. The above statement is from a post about a year ago. My first post in 2008 I believe. I'll still never find that girl. I still feel that statement. How come I have to wait so long to solve my problem? How come I have never solved my problem. I think maybe I'll do a low strength Salvia this weekend. We'll see how that goes.

A New Blog

2008-11-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

I just started up a new blog { The Lucid Dream Experiment } . I think its going to be good. I'm not sure if I mentioned in my last blog [which was an awesome entry if you didn't get to read it ] how this weekend one of my friend's mentioned how he has had a few occurrences lately of lucid dreams. His mentioning of this peaked my curiosity. As we all know a few things seriously intrigue me religion, drugs, hallucinations, girls, and I just really love dreaming. So lucid dreams are right up my ally. It is really the most vivid of dreams which are controllable, very much how drugs can interact with you're subconscious and how hallucinations can be peaked by you're imagination. Its awesome. So anyway, in that blog I will keep entries of dreams and hopefully I will lead myself into lucid dreams. Which will be awesome. I just have to make sure I keep up with it. I very much enjoy instant gratification and this will not be one of those scenarios.

I am too tired right now to blog here since I already wrote a quite substantial blog over there. So check that blog out and I'll be sure to be back here tomorrow.

Heavens where you go when you die

2008-11-09T20:45:00.000-08:00

It was such an intense weekend.

I know I've said this before, but it was like so much happened and so little happened all at the same time. My weekend was encompassed in about 36 hours with a good friend of mine. We left New Brunswick Friday afternoon and got back Midnight the next day. I feel like I learned a lot about the people from back home. The great thing about life is always learning. The great thing about being young is always learning, and being eager to continue learning. And the great thing about life is that learning is not rooted in the classroom, its rooted in living. Its rooted in other people, and in experience.

I love knowing about the intimate details of peoples lives. I think that's why I love listening. When someone wants to tell me something, I love to hear it, I want to know what others don't. Almost selfishly. I spent time with friends from home this weekend that I do not always spend too much time with, but spending time with them is great. And spending time with them is new, and that's probably what makes it great. I'm happy to be getting back home and seeing familiar faces. This band is really helping me to do that.

With the band I keep thinking about what if we did get signed? The only reason I think that is because the only reason I wasn't in the band earlier is because I said I do not want to be that serious, if we get signed I would want to stay in school and all that. But, continuing to work with the band, makes me feel differently. I'll keep you updated on this feeling, but right now I think I would be interested in leaving school if we got signed. Not that we would make it huge, but we could do a fun little tour, and sell some music, and live music, and that could be fun. School will always wait for me, but I shouldn't sit back while opportunities and adventures fly by me like seasons.

Fall brings by a lot of interesting weather. Leaves die and fall off of trees, cracking, and crunching when people walk over them like tortilla chips. Tree's now bare, wait for the snow like children. For me, its only a pre-courser to the Winter, an even more treacherous season. I like to bundle up in bed, and I hate bundling up outside. Which makes Winter probably my least productive season. Probably everyone's least productive season.

I wanted to quickly touch on a subject which everyone has thought about or talked about or heard about. When we finally arrived at the bagel place this weekend after noon we discussed what its like to recognize flaws in you're parents. Is it recognizing flaws that makes them become real? Or is it become real that makes us recognize the realness of our parents?

I'll rephrase. When we get old enough to realize our parents are flawed, does that finally allow us to recognize that our parents are people too? Or is it our age in itself, because now we are real people(assuming that young age is essentially only growing until we become our true selves), we are able to correlate our lives with that of parents more easily, and in essence relate to their true emotions.

I don't exactly remember when I realized that my parents where two people. I do however now know that they are two people, two extremely different, unique, imperfect, and however great people.

My mom, she is extremely kind heart-ed, and accepting. I sometimes believe my mom is naive, and she is certainly dependent on others. Luckily, she has been able to adapt to being alone. She is a survivor, and a hard worker, a bit of a complainer, and she enjoys being creative. Small things can trigger excitement for my mom, and small things can also trigger her to become extremely nervous. Family for my mom is a weird place, because she is not accepted there. She is a loner in many ways, however, she finds friends to supplement the problems in her family relations. She is lucky to have her parents who appreciate her, and she is lucky to have me right now. In the future I know that she will be lucky to have my sisters as well. They just have some growing up to do. I think that for the two of them, recognizing my mom as a flawed person, and recognizing themselves as flawed people will help them accept her.

My dad is a free spirit. He thrives on his independence, but in his heart he needs to be embraced. Searching for himself will be the goal until he passes, because the search will never end. Its not a matter of maturity, or growing up, for my dad its a matter of purpose. What is his purpose? When my parents got divorced he lost a lot. Namely, he lost his children. We are still there for him, and keep in communication, but when you don't see someone everyday, or rely on them for money and food, the connection slowly fades. My dad will always be a spiritual person, much like me, he is a lover of learning. Unlike me, he is also very much a reader. He is not one to plan, he is a lover of travel, and he will always wait until the last minute. My dad will also stretch the truth even when it is completely unnecessary, however, diluted by his imagination, he believes much of it to be the truth. My dad has a gigantic heart, and will always help a friend in need, he is a great person, and I can only hope that his search is finite, however unlikely that may be.

I know that recognizing my parents as people allows me to treat them accordingly, and it allows me the privilege of relating to them on a different level. On a very genuine and honest level.

I decided that the tattoo I drew I am going to get. Hopefully this week but maybe next, I want to wait until I get better because I am currently sick. I'm going to get to bed now, I'll leave you with this awesome song by 'The Spill Canvas' enjoy:

The need for newness

2008-11-07T10:40:00.000-08:00

I am always in search for something new. I recently pierced my ears 3 times myself in one week simply because I wanted something new. I consistently change my hairstyle and update my look because I get so easily bored of the old. I'm always in search of a new identity and something to grab everyone's attention. When I pierced my ears I thought 'hey, everyone will notice this new feature' but no one really did lol. But in the end do I change things more for myself or to get attention? I think it is a combination of both. I hate being the same all the time, it's so boring, and I have a great motivation to change things because I enjoy being the center of attention even if its for a moment.

Change can be good or bad. But when I change my look I usually take reversible risks. A reversible risk is a change in style, or my hair, or even my piercings because those are easy to take out, or I can easily regrow my hair. A tattoo is simply not so easily reversed. I drew up a new blue print. Here I'll show it to you. I think it may just be the one:

I sketched this one out in class and I immediately loved it. I really like the idea of having it in a frame for some reason, I don't know why but I think it looks cool, and it has the incorporation of the Pisces symbol, the representation of dark and light, and music. Really the frame and vines don't mean much their just for artistic purposes, just make it look cool. I think I'm going to get this on the back of my arm down my Triceps. I'm really happy with this one. I'm going to re-sketch it a few times and see if I can make any improvements but that is the basic idea for now. Anyone have any suggestions? I'm definitely open to them.

I'm just sitting in the Livingston library waiting for my group to get here. I have class here until 120 and we're meeting at 3 so I didn't want to go home and come back. The meeting will probably only last like 30 minutes so I'll try to get to the gym by 430 and be ready by 6 probably for this awesome night(I hope) lol. I always look too much forward to certain things and then I'm let down. Plus, I'm stillll sickk! I really hope its not anything serious. I should probably go to the health center today but I don't want them to tell me something that will ruin my night. I'll just go grab some mucinex and cough drops.

I'll leave you with this aweeesome video:

Looking Forward to the Weekend

2008-11-05T21:20:00.000-08:00

These weeks have been flying by. Its Monday next thing you know its Tuesday, then Wednesday night, and once Thursday comes the weekends over and I'm writing my Sunday night blog. Its outrageous. Is it good that these weeks go so quickly? I think so, I love it, its like not having to stress over wanting it to be the weekend already because it already is. I have a party for my boys birthday this weekend and its back at home so I'm looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to this whole weekend because I'll be spending it with my old friends, drinking, playing music, and reconnecting, hopefully hooking up with some young girl from back home. There's always promiscuous ladies at these parties with people back at home. For some reason getting with me is like a prize for these girls, so its never to difficult to find one. Good for me, good for them, that's what matters.

I know that tomorrow will fly by also, it feels like tomorrow night already, I'll go to class, nap?, gym, study, class, and I'll be back here popping some bottle most likely, sleep and Friday afternoon will already come. Its great how that happens, but thinking about it makes things go a bit slower. Maybe that's why things have been going slower, I have been living more in the moment and thinking less about craving a specific point in the week, something I used to do more often. Ohh I can't wait for Thursday! Now it just happens.

Band practice today was pretty good. I'm getting there, I definitely need to practice more but it'll come. I can't force it too much, I'm not good with learning songs, I just study techniques more but when I have a riff to study it is quite similar, just play it over and over until I get it down. That's my style, I can play one riff forever trying to master it.

So apparently my optimal lover is a Cancer.

{"PISCES & CANCER: - You belong together. You are both sensitive, weepy and love to dwell in self-pity. This is a great match, certainly lasting, however someone negative and moody."}

I'll be keeping my eyes out for ladies born under the Cancer sign. June 22 - July 22. I wonder who I know born during that time. One thing I was reading about is that Pisces in general get too caught up in a dream of a 'perfect' woman, which is something I definitely do. I have a pretty specific list of traits my girl must have. So I guess...maybe I should try to lighten up. Ok I can't stop being distracted, I'll see you later.

Pisceans and Politics

2008-11-03T19:29:00.000-08:00

I have been continuing my research of astrology and particularly my sign. It's so weird how much I relate to the qualities associated with my sign. I was reading some of the comments of the other Pisceans and so much of what they say I relate so directly too with my own personality and experiences. I have mentioned in this blog how I am considered 'too nice' by many people, and how I see my self as someone who constantly adapts my personality depending on who I'm with, and I always mention my love for music and need for creativity, my need to get away when I'm feeling drained. And I almost always make decisions based on intuition. Are these idea's that everyone feels themselves relating so closely to? I don't think so. It really doesn't end there but those are some things I know I have mentioned in particular. The other thing is thought is that obviously there are millions and millions of pisces out there, I mean thousands of people alone probably born the exact same day as me. Not all of them would identify with the atributes of a pisces. So what does this mean? Does it mean that its all a falicy? Or is it like any other generalization and stereotype, based off of truths that simply cannot always be right?

I stoped blogging and passed out so now its the next afternoon and I will continute blogging about something completely different. So I woke up yesterday feeling like I had a fever and my throat really had hurt since sunday. This worries me because I have been spending a lot of time with a girl who has herpes(just as friends) and I dont want to be like prejudice against her and ward her off or something but I fear getting herpes. Herpes is with you for life. Really limits sexual activity and prospects for love as well as I see it. One of the symptoms for onset of herpes is a fever, and another is swelling of the gland in your throat. Worries me much? Yes. I gotta get to hurtado and get um to check me out. I actually had this same scare when I found out about her initially having herpes. I do worry a lot about STD's as I have mentioned in the past.

MIA - Paper Planes, good song. I will go to the gym today. I skipped yesterday but I'm considering it my day off for the week so I will go every day til sunday now. I skipped 2 days last week, so bad. I attibute my sickness to a weekend of heavy partying and now legitimate excersize(walking between parties doesn't count).

It is election day.

I went to my home town to vote. In and out, no lines. I knocked into the drummer from my old band. Actually really good to see him. He is a really good guy, he's just getting back into school. I'm glad that I made the decision to go right to college, I can see from kids older then me that chose not to go right to college how hard it is for them. 2 classes here, a semester off, 3 classes, a year off back to 2 classes. But back to the election, I definitely will call it for Obama, I think most people are. If its not him then the system must be seriously flawed because every poll shows Obams in the lead. My roommate is taking a nap, I think I might try to take a quick nap too. I slept like shit last night. It was terrible.

Go Ask Alice

2008-11-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

I feel like that book, I think the title is 'Go Ask Alice' or something like that. One of the only books that have ever caught my attention long enough for me to finish it. I am not a reader, but anything related to drugs always interests me. I find it so fascinating how }ensnaring{ drugs can become, and how a person's entire life and personality can shift. So that's why I love that book. But I feel like her because it is essentially a diary and she has so many ups and downs and that's just life. Life is full of ups and downs and changes and stagnation's. So interesting; so different. I was reading back to some of my older blogs as I like to do from time to time, and the one year anniversary of my blog was Oct. 14th. If you go back to that blog, my life was so similar and so different back then. The 7 friends who I once considered my 'best friends' are barely a glimmer on my acquaintance radar, with the exception of my main man, my current roommate. He and I probably had more in common then we ever knew. This situation is a blessing that we are now stuck together, because I think we're good for each other. But lets remember, those who I considered my best friends a year ago, are now people who I rarely bother to wave to on the street. I can only hope that doesn't happen to my current roommate and I.

}I would be much closer to alone at that point.{

Don't really have to worry about that now. Reading about my life in the past is a good exercise I feel like. I enjoy it. I can see how things are so similar, my worries and fears are so similar and it feels sooo long ago. In reality, it's been barely a year. I can actually remember that night when I first wrote my blog.

I have been thinking a lot about the future. What am I going to do? More College? That almost seems like the easiest thing to do. It also seems like the most awesome, I feel that grad school would be great because I could focus more on my main interests, and discover what I want to do. But it will probably be only more scary to enter the real world, for failure would be still ever imminent. I never used to worry so much about failing in my future. Its one thing I have been consistently confident about, I do believe in my ability to succeed at what I do, but what will I do is the question? If I have no direction, failure won't be far from view.

I'm going to try to get myself to bed now. I'll catch up with you tomorrow.

This is a College Town

2008-11-02T09:50:00.000-08:00

Rutgers - - Such a college town. 3am hundreds of kids running form party to party dressed up in all different completely ridiculous and awesome costumes. Red cups float through houses like pollen in the spring and the smell of marijuana is evident in all areas. Pizza available til 4am and Deli's open 24/7. 3pm, kids just getting themselves up, heading down to the local bagel shop and dining hall for an all too available breakfast when most of the time zone is finishing lunch or fixing up dinner. The walk of shame even more obvious when still in costume and kegs being rolled back to their home at Pete's Liquors. Awesome. I love it all.

Sunday, we all try to make up for the long weekend marathon by getting to the library before it strikes one. But we're all so lucky because the clocks just turned back, giving us an excellent extra hour of sleep. Yet another good weekend here at Rutgers. I have been definitely enjoying my semester more then in the past. I realized that I am definitely happy. Which I'm glad about. It's an ever prominent goal in my life. Happiness is literally the goal highest on my list, and all subsequent goals are essentially tactical goals to achieve my greatest need.

I don't think I'm going to exactly review the weekend because I do that too often, it was a classic Halloween. Costumes and beer, I was so sick from drinking on Saturday that I threw up at least 4 times slept til 2, went to eat(didn't eat anything) came home and slept until 5:50. Woke up, went to Philly for a bit, came back, and went out again. The most important thing to note about this weekend was that I was chillin with the NoG from last weekend(see last weekends post for a definition. I am becoming more attracted to her which is a good sign, I just need to not fuck it up by becoming the friend. So far I'm not there yet, but being a pussy and not making a move is not helping things because she is making it perfectly obvious what her intentions are, but its a difficult situation because she just got out of a long relationship with someone I am familiar with and she is what is known as a nice girl. Of course my favourite type of girl.

I am also happy because I feel like there is some consistency in the availability of fun now in my life. I am also happy because I feel that my ambition to get out there and party is having a direct and positive effect on the life of my roommate. He was sticking in the room and now he's coming out all the time, really working towards the goal. He's having a good time and I'm really happy about that. Its funny that my ambition now adays is getting out and partying. I really need to set some higher goals for myself. I need to find myself a job and an internship for the summer. I can't move backwards as much as I would like too. When you drain yourself dry like a raisin, you feel the need to bring back you're life. I definitely felt that need and now I'm feeling a bit lazy. It is what it is for now though, I'll find myself something to do.

I'm scared to go back to work, work changes things. I feel like I want to keep my life how it is in a way, I'm worried that working will bring in a whole new range of changes to my life.

Music.
I'm on the verge, I'm on the verge. Jack's Mannequin is a great, great band. If you're looking for something to listen to, and you want to check out something ridiculously awesome, if you're ready for greatness, listen to Jack's Mannequin. Their first album 'Everything in Transit' - I think its their first album but I could be wrong, ill refrase, their most popular album listed above, is so great. It combines catchy piano and keyboard melodies with simple guitar leads and drum beats and simply amazing lyrics and vocal melodies. Pick it up, very good feeling music with mostly major key tonalities, but when they go minor its also extremely well done. You feel that you know the lead singer really well, and that's an important part of connecting with this style of music.

I have extremely diverse tastes in music. I think everyone says that because they think just because they listen to hip hop and indie rock makes them diverse. I'd say it makes them more diverse then some. But I listen to everything from old school rap, gangster rap, hip hop, r&b, hardcore, metal, classic rock, jazz, classical, blues, indie rock, getting into techno, progressive rock, acoustic, jam, indie girl singers, and jazz singers. I think that might be mostly all I listen too. The only genres I'm not that into are punk/ska(too upbeat I think for me), and I don't listen to too much country(just never really got into it), I like both of those genres but don't really have them on my playlists. I think what differntiates me musically specifically is the blues/jazz that I listen to, metal/hardcore, and the indie girl singers(which a lot of girls are into but not so much dudes).

Ok, I would like to blog further and I might add to this later with somethings I forgot but I should actually study now since Im at the library.
____________________________________________________________________

Sorry, I felt like being extremely immature for a minute there. It says 69 posts if you can't see it clearly. I kind of just wanted to play around with computer screen shots which I've never done before but I think I might do it more often from now on. I'm out of the library and feeling extremely tired. I felt like I slept pretty well too, this morning I felt so rejuvenate since I wasn't hung over as shit. Anyway, funny funny story. So I pierced my ears 3 more times. To literally quadruple my piercing count to 4. And no one had mentioned or noticed it, but I knew somehow that the girl that I slept with a little while ago that I mentioned would notice when I saw her. And less then 5 minutes into seeing each other again she noticed. Kind of weird right? Still the only one to notice. Strange how I knew she would notice and she did very quickly. I feel bad for her because she has been completely sucked in to this internship. It stinks but she loves it so let it be.

While I was at the library, the NoG was there, and I could swear that she saw me but didn't come say hi, and I was with my friend(who is like her bf) and they were texting but she didn't come by. This worries me. I know I'm being paranoid but either one of two things is happening, she is purposely ignoring me, or she just doesn't care enough to say hi. Both of which are bad by the way. I think I fucked this one up too. But there's plenty of time, I've missed golden opportunities with girls before and turned it around. It always depends on the girl. Chances are I will see this girl a lot more often.

I'm being really lazy right now, eating pasta, not going to the gym, not studying or socializing. I feel like I get this way alot by evening on Sundays. Lackadasical and somewhat depressed in a way. But really its not actually depression, just apathy I guess in a way. At the library I was talking with my friend, she wants to live together next year, seems like it might be a good idea. Just me, her and my current roommate. Or maybe one more, and a dog of course. I do like it here, but change is always good too. Something to consider.

Blogger

2008-10-30T22:55:00.001-07:00

Thursday night, or Friday morning 1:55AM. Which ever you prefer, take your pick. I think I'm funny. I wasn't going to go out tonight but I did. I do that almost always. I just like to go out. Anyway, I went to a party with a bunch of kids from back at home, it was fun. Its always fun hangin with those kids. They're great, I really love my friends from home, and my roommate is great too. I hope that I see those kids more often. My friends girlfriend said to me that the girls in her dorm love me...I honestly don't know a single other girl in her dorm, how is that possible? She said and I quote, 'they use her facebook to look at me'. Dude, where the fuck are these girls when I'm looking for them! God damn. Its like the other day, I was searching everywhere, even in the obvious and completely desolate areas of my room, couldn't find it. Turns out it was in the most obvious place where I had already checked but not close enough. Turns out these girls are right under my nose, just not looking close enough. Like a douche bag.

Halloween! Its finally here, the greatest day ever. Except, I'm not a kid any more? Yea that's a question. I'm not a kid anymore? It stinks. I'm too old to trick or treat, instead I have to steal my younger sisters grand bag of candy when I go home(probably to eat). But for us older folks it essentially means parties where we dress up(where the most stressful part is coming up with a costume) and drinking alcohol. Sometimes pumpkin flavored. Or apple cider oriented. Anyway tomorrow I'll be going out to some of these parties, and hopefully Saturday.

Of course as always I'll give you a complete review of my weekend top to bottom. Thursday - Sunday. Funny how in college a weekend starts a day earlier regardless of how early your class is Thursday is still a weekend. So now instead of 3/7ths of the week u have 4/7ths. Thats a big deal, only 3 days dedicated to work? I guess you have to count Sunday because regardless of its affiliation with relaxation, it is still a day often dedicated strictly to work that was put off. Even families put off work and save it for Sunday.

There my house mate was again(from now on I will attempt to refer to my house mates as housemates(ppl in my house) and roommate as roommate(person sharing my room)), alone. I feel for her. She actually said this time, 'I always end up alone'. Its sad. I wish she didn't because she is great. Maybe its because she has my same problem as a pisces of adaptability but not exactly the ability to really get close to everyone. So shes friends with so many people here but not overly close, also, shes is overly conscious of it which I believe makes her try too hard sometimes. Ok, I do have to go to bed, I have an earlllly morning. I'll hit you up tomorrow when I complete my homework and study at the library, AKA, blogging time.

<3

Getting Raw

2008-10-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

Getting Raw. So I wanted a picture for my post and I typed in 'getting raw' into google and nothing with guitars came up so then I typed 'getting raw guitar' and this old thing came up. I thought it would be a good pick. Shes kind of sexy. Total slut though, not my type. If it were a real guitar it would be better. But anyway.

Quick rant related to my last post:

The other thing is that my house mate that wants to move out always says to my other house mate who is fake to her best friend, 'I took the garbage out all summer' or ' I cleaned the bathroom all summer' or I cleaned the kitchen all summer'. Which are all legitimate lies. I wont give him no credit, but honestly we all did all of that. And we all worked to keep things clean, and since it was only the three of us at that time(not the girl another roommate) it wasnt hard. We didnt even take garbage down that much only when the landlords complained and then I would do it on my own. Maybe once or twice he took it out without me, maaaaybe. At the max. And he's making it sound like I did nothing! Like he did it all, or like our other roommate did nothing, when we probably did the most. Bull shit.

Ok so to today. Overall I felt good, studied in the morning, went to class which was actually a little interesting. Made a rediculously good dish with potatoes, asparagus and garlic. Thats it with a few spices and a couple table spoons of olive oil and one Tbls of ranch. Sooo great roasted in the oven to perfection I was very proud of myself. Then I went to band practice. Apparently I'm in a band now. This band is really good its made up of a bunch of people I have been in bands with in the past except for one girl. But I've known her a while. The band has been around for I'd say atleast a year now and the other guitar player is out of this world and has a greattt set up for recording at his place. The bands name is 'Lux Astra' check um out, or I guess now 'us' out. I normally wouldn't link to something that so obviously can give away my true identity ha but whatever, what happens happens. I have about 1 month to learn all of the songs and get them tight which wont be easy because they are not easy to play. Unless maybe you're the guitar player form All That Remain(ATR).

It makes me happy to know that they want me in their band, and it makes me happy to finally know that I will be playing with a band again. Being in a band is like being in a family. You always see eachother, hang out, create together, fight, I mean its great. Everything about being in a band is really awesome even when its not. Lig-e-wis, life is good even when its not. I think I might get ligewis on my tattoo somewhere. Hm well something to think about, I think I'm going to pass out now. I'll see u when I see you.

Things do change

2008-10-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

It was the first snow of the season today. The weather has been all out of wack. Blame global warming? Who knows. I woke up knowing that it felt weird, I specifically opened my window because of this feeling and bam! snow. I'm pretty much psychic. Just kidding. Anyway, I have been feeling good in general, hitting the gym every day which feels good, doing alright in school, connecting with old friends, but, something is off again. What you ask?

My housemates. This weekend when I went out Friday to my friends house( this first one) with my roommates when everyone was matched up as I described it earlier, I kind of just sat back, drank and observed. And it sucked hearing two of my roommates talk about how one of them wants to move out( first time I ever heard that), and the other one saying that she doesn't know what she would do without him blah blah, saying that she's not really friends with are other roommate(who is essentially her best friend). I mean I feel like both of them are just being soooo two faced. I make a really serious attempt to keep every thing clean and be respectful of everyones bounds, I truely do put in more of my share to keep things unified in the house so people don't run around blaming others for this and that, I'll just do it. Also, I make a serious attempt to be friends with, and spend time with everyone but it's obviously not reciprocated.

Lets just break it down. My one roommate wanting to move out and saying nothing to anyone about it, just staying like a silent bitch when I've been working to try and keep him happy pisses me off. Pretty much its a slap in the face saying, "I can't stand living with you."

My other roommate says that her best friend is not her friend anymore, but they are just pretending? We'll what are we doing then? I'm trying to be friends with you and make a closer knit house but you don't even care about you're best relationship what makes me think you give a shit about our relationship? Fuck that. It makes me feel that trying is senseless.

My horiscope on monday stated,
{{
"Hey, loosen up there! You can't become too obsessed with every little detail in life. Everything is what it is -- some things can be changed, but some things cannot be. You'll be doing yourself a huge favor by understanding the difference between the two, especially in your personal life. Problems could arise in a partnership if you are nwilling to just let things go. You cannot change a person, you can only communicate how their behavior affects you."
{{

I mean sometimes horiscopes are useless, I hate anything to do with money or finance in you're horiscope its so unspritual if thats the right word. But anyway, this really kind of communicated something to me. Should I just loosen up? Probably. I mean a lot of things with people just piss me off, my own roommate(in my actual room who I've talked about who I feel like is my teammate, my wingman, you know?) gets on my nerves sometimes. Too much politics with him, he gets lazy with going to the gym sometimes when we promised we'd go, and things like that sometimes just piss me off. But I do have to let it go or I'll end up pushing all of my friends away by being pissed at them half the time. I'll have to work on that.

Music.
On the music side of things I keep working to try and write a song and sing. Just doesn't work. But this kid can do it pretty good so check him out.

Definitely inspiring, there are so many talented people in the world. Glad youtube can bring a lot of them together.

I like to make changes

2008-10-27T16:25:00.000-07:00

I have been always quite interested in astrology. In zodiac signs and what it all means. I feel like a true Pisces( I'm a march baby). The only thing I worry about is what if I feel like a Pisces just because I am one, I'm generally skeptical of getting caught up in things that are based on loose facts or faith. So how do I know I am really a representative of a Pisces? I think that I want to be because it is something that I can connect with on some level. I don't really have a race(im not white, black, Hispanic, or really I'm all of that).
But anyway, so today I looked over a website that essentially gives in-depth descriptions of each sign. I made sure to look over my sign, the signs of my family members, and a few others just to see what attributes of each I do see in myself and which I don't( and of course compared them to my family as well). It's really interesting how descriptive they are. In many of them there are many similarities however, each does have its over arching, encompassing theme, I definitely Identify with the attributes of a Pisces, the only attribute they discussed specifically that I don't believe is really me is 'Weak-willed and easily led'. These are the other positive and negative general traits of a Pisces:

Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic

On the dark side....

Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague
Weak-willed and easily led

Hmm, weak willed? Maybe. I don't think so, one thing that I have is will-power. If I want to get something done I will, and I can push myself to the brink. That's actually a defining characteristic that I hold and that I am proud of. My will drives me.

Easily led? Maybe. I can see that, most of my life I did not exactly take a leadership position. But I have made a point to change that, its not easy, its not in my comfort zone, but I do enjoy leadership. In fact, they describe Pisces as those not to work a '9-5' and that is exactly how I describe myself in relation to future working positions. I feel like that something I can't do. That's why I would like to run my own business, be a manager(and I enjoy management). However, they say that we are not meant to be leaders, mostlikely failed leaders, or are too scared to take on positions too high up in companies, potential middle managers at most. I can see that I do have fear of failure in a high ranking position, and maybe my Pisces trait of being idealistic makes me feal I can achieve these goals. Guess I have a lot to consider.

The whole point here right now is that I am pretty sure that I want to get a tattoo. For a long time I had no desire to get one, about a year ago that changed for some reason but I could never get a tattoo if it doesn't have some meaning close to me. I was thinking that maybe something that represents a Pisces symbol would be good because I feel that it would represent me. But I want to draw it. I don't want it to be too common and obvious. These are my doodles in class for possibilities, I'll upload more when I come up with them. So far my favorite is the one I boxed in on the bottom. It represents the fish swimming in opposite directions which is one symbol and also incorporates the 'H' pictured above. In the left 'fish' is a treble clef, and the right 'fish' has two dots next to it representing a bass clef, which represent my love of music(which is kind of cliche cause I don't think I know anyone who doesn't love music, not everyone plays it though!). Music is so powerful. I thought maybe get it down the side of my arm from the shoulder to the bottom of my tricep pretty much. I was going to keep blogging but, maybe later. I'll catch up with you soon.

Politics

2008-10-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

Its getting extremely close to the election.

9 days? Technically its Monday, so next Tuesday which is 8 days away, just over a week will decide the fate of our nation. Take a look at this NY Times Electoral Map. I am a liberal if you didn't know. I don't want to offend any Conservatives on this blog, I do respect your ideas and I very often agree with some of them, but mostly I don't.

After taking a look at that map, just think about it. Take a look, the more progressive states, the states with the best most advanced cities, states that want this government to change, and that want a more progressive America, those states lean on the Democratic side. Why can't we all agree that a separation of church and state is essential? Why can't we all agree that we should all be equal(aka gay marriage)? Why can't we all agree that racism is wrong? And why can't we all agree that 100 more years in Iraq is NOT worth lives of our soldiers and the estimated 200,000 up to 1.2 million estimated Iraqi civilians killed by a direct result of our occupation of Iraq. I mean I have friends that are conservative, I don't like it thought.

How can you vote for McCain for the simple fact that if he dies our county will actually be run by Sarah Palin?!

Honestly, I don't hate him. But I do think that he is not going to bring about almost anything that I am looking for in the future. Maybe I'm just swayed by Obama's poetic speech and strong, seemingly honest demeanor. I think that immersing yourself in politics is definitely bad for you, there's no need to watch Youtube videos, read the paper, watch 24/7 CNN and so forth all day every day. But do pay attention. And do vote. I do want everyone to vote regardless of which way. But I do want the US to become a more progressive nation, much like much of Europe. We are not the 'Free-est' we are not the smartest, we are not the best. But I do like it here, and I think we have the potential to be the best.

Alright, so now I'm going to go to bed now. I'll see you all tomorrow.

Sunday

2008-10-26T11:31:00.000-07:00

Hello. Its Sunday again.

I'm definitely a fan of Sundays in general because they are a good day to just relax and get things done. I'm at the library now of course and I have to get my blogging out of the way so I can focus on studying. It's weird how much I think about blogging now, it's like Facebook where you just go on it all the time, I feel like blogging all the time. It's weird I feel like. But, anyway.

This was another successful weekend. Me and my roommate had a blast Thursday as you know, and then Friday came. Friday was fun, I didn't go to class like an idiot which I think I wrote about already and then I studied for a bit, went to the gym, and then went to hang with my younger sister at home. We went out to get some chinese take out and then came back home to watch 'The Life Aquatic' which is such an awesome movie anyone that wants a new movie to watch definitely pick that up!

After the movie I jetted back home and pretty much right when I got back I grabbed a beer, sucked it down within a few measly minutes and went over to our friends house. This kid is pretty cool, really cool actually I hope that I'll be better friends with him soon, but I was bored. Just drinking and kind of being a loner there because everyone was pretty much paired up with they're BFF and I was just chillin. So I bounced around 1 to go to my other friends house, had a good time and just bounced home around 3.

That was too many sentences for a boring day so I'll keep saturday short. Heres saturday in 3 sentences. Woke up, ate, gym, got ready, went to philly, (view picture up top) went to Paddy's pub with my friends from my ex-Internship. Had a good time there, love seeing those people, came back to NB around 1, went out again to my friends party, picked my other friend up and went to my other friends house. Ended up with my friend back at my house ordered some food and just chilled out.

Phew, that was pretty much just a bunch of fragments seperated by commas but who cares?

Two new revelations:

Music
I love wierd girl singers, ex. Feist, Regina Spektor, and all those wierdos, I think they're awesome. Check um out if you havn't yet. And no, I'm not gay lol( not that I have anything against gay's). So anyway, but I feel like the market is flooded right now. I mean you see these wierd girl singers all over the place now, just watch some MTV or go on Pandora.com type in Feist and see how many similar girls there are. I liked it better when they're were less of them. They're still awesome though. I guess its just like the new big wave.

Here's one example from Ingrid Michealson :

Here's one from Feist(Live - watch her sing its so wierd) -

I love nights out with friends and just kind of chillin, and drinking, and having a good time, not really going out specifically to get laid, I mean it has to be on the back burner of course, but not going out to huge parties looking for girls. I really came to realize this over the weekend because I have a much better time when I'm just trying to chill with my dudes and we meet up with some girls and we all just kind of chill around and drink instead of being packed in a basement. My new goal is to attend as many parties like this as possible.

__________________________________________________________________

Ok, so last thing. It's getting too cold out. Anyone agree? I do.

I just like to write//Great night

2008-10-24T11:29:00.000-07:00

Its weird that I write these blogs to myself. Secretly I want random people to read them and give me feedback, I think it would be interesting positive or negative.

Last night was awesome. I really expected it to pretty much be just like that too, I wanted like a fun night out just hanging out drinking not like spying out hoes and being in a random person's basement shelling out 5's every time the cops come(not to pay the cops but to pay for the new party lol). We hung out at our house for a bit drank watch some television and then we strolled over in the freezing cold(it was probably like 47 degrees or something(inside joke)) and we came up to a street that was even further out from campus then our own lol. But we had a blast, just chilled out, met some new people, enjoyed the company of a few old friends and both my roommie and I had like our 'night out girlfriend'.

Night out Girlfriend(NoG) - {the girl that you chill with all night, she hangs by you're side and you enjoy each others company, often leads to sex.}

So it was fun having them around. Both girls definitely wanted to hook up with both of us respectively(not an orgy). But by the time we left it was like past 4am and I just didn't feel like playing the NoG-NoB games any more, so I left. Hopefully I'll end up hooking up with her another night, but its good to know what my options are, right? <- this is actually a good girl too, and cute. Interesting. I'm going to post up here my new invention soon, its a mate chart to help you pick if a girl should be you're friend, sexual partner, or girl friend. It will help men all over the world make the decision in a few easy steps. Really its just taylored to my preferences. I have not yet completed it but once I do I'll have it up here, hopefully tonight or tomorrow for sure.

After a few hours of moderate-moderately heavy drinking we all smoked at my friends house. As you know, I am not a big smoker of the weed, but I really enjoyed it last night. I was crackin up all over the place, and my roomie was havin a blast too. I'm very happy overall.

The upslope has continued. I'm actually taking my younger sister out to dinner tonight, she needs that support. I may have mentioned that I was thinking about taking her out to lunch a little while ago, but that never happened so we're doing dinner instead. See how everything's going in her life. I know grades arn't doing that well for one.

Back to girls for a minute. Haha sorry I can't stop with it. Three quick topics

- girl from old job came over to do her laundry and we just chilledout, but its a good sign towards just hanging out with her more which could lead to all types of things.

- girl I had sex with a few weeks back that I've known for a few months(7ish?) sent me a multimedia message that makes me suspect to her level of attachement to me(as in she may be quite attached in a way that I'm not) and this girl is really cool so I'm not trying to fuck her over or anything at all.

- christian girl from home, she has kept in contact with me over the week and made a note to me that she is here again this weekend so chances are we will chill and I'll let you know how that goes.

Funny thing is sometimes I use these girls names on here and sometimes I choose not to. I wonder what the difference is? But if you can't correlate the names to descriptions through my blogs then just leave a comment and I'll make sure to clarify. Ok I'm going to actually get to reading for my management class now. (I got a 90 on another exam so that was a good deal).

Peace babes.

Dear Journal, its been a good day

2008-10-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

Let me start with a small rant.

Just go on YouTube and type 'Fred' into the search bar. (side note; my roommates watching political video's which he really immerses himself in which is unhealthy i feel like in a way but we all have our bad habits lol I guess selective education isnt the worst, but he's watching them kind of loud and its annoying me, side note completed) Just watch one of these rediculous videos, I couldn't handle it. This kid must be making a ton of money from the YouTube partnership program because he is the #1 most subscribed all time and shit. Wow, I feel like thats just dumb, how rediculous? I just typed fred into google and its the same deal, the second one is his dumb ass.

Yes I am a hater. I am hating on him for being so popular for rediculously unfunny, annoying videos. I mean I watched this other kid who was kind of retarted but actually funny Dave Days, look him up that shits legit. I mean he's got clever songs, and its funny, watch the Miley Cyrus spoof totally hilarious. And its not in a wierd voice and all wierd, fuck that. Haha, this is funny too.

I just spent like 40 minutes watching more of those videos haha.

Anywayyyy, today was a good day, woke up, studied, went to class, watched a bit of behind the scenes to the movie, "Once" which I highly recommend of course and then went out to dinner with my old homies from work. Such a blast. I miss those kids a lot, I think we'll probably all see eachother a bit more often now that we saw eachother, everyone had a good time. Ok so I know I probably talk about different girls who I wanna fuck every blog, sometimes the same sometimes different but I have two more to post up here who I know I have spoken about in the past.

One is just a girl I worked with a while ago and her personality is just so different and shes definitely damn cute but her personality just makes her so much sexier definitely makes me want to fuck her. So theres one.
And two, is the girl I have been in love with for the past 2 years who I've mentioned many times. I recieved a Fbook comment from her and it just makes me want to slap her. I feel like I never want her to talk to me because it makes me think about her that much more. I admit to being jealous of the dude that shes unofficially 'with'. Very jealous. I would love to be that guy but unfortunately I can't be and it wont change. Its interesting that when I think of this girl I dont think about fucking her but more of just chilling out together...I dont see her as sexually, but i do see her as sexy. And most other girls I see mostly as pure objects.

I definitely objectify the shit out of girls. But not to their face, I want to change that...Continue objectifying them but just do it to their face more. I really should go to bed, I have an exam in the morning. I think I'm going to resolve to skip class in the morning and just go to my exam. Get a bit of extra sleep. That resolution makes me feel like continuing to blog. Everytime I think the word blog, I think about a scene in Californiacation(an awesome show!)

Eh peace

Freaked out morning

2008-10-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

I was riding the bus this morning(not standing up thankfully) and I was hangin out on my iPhone doing that old deal when I came upon a facebook message. Totally freaked me out because the title was from one of my roommates and it read, "I am appalled by you're behaviour" or something like that and in the body of the message was a link to a blogger profile of course my heart skipped a few beats thinking she may have found this blog. Definitely scared me, but I guess I kind of have to let it be. I dont wanna be such a pussy that I'm so scared anyone ever finds this, if it happens it happens.

DISCLAIMER:
I appologize in advance if any of my friends find this and find the content to be appalling or unfair, rude, unlike me, mean, vulger, too sappy, sad, emo, and etc. This blog certainly reflects my many different moods at any given time, and each mood certainly contains a constant theme, that I'm sure is easily extracted.

I feel better having that little disclaimer in there. :)

So anyone that knows me probably now knows that I am inlove with the show 'It's always sunny in philadelphia' which is just the most awesome and hilarious show. And this saturday I will have the pleasure of going to paddy's pub which the show's pub is based off of. I'm pumped, so pumped. I hope I don't get stabbed lol.

Mmm, unfortunately I feel like I don't have too much to say...my roommate was just listening to some girl country singer lol, just thought I'd through that out there. Alright here's some news.

Theres this girl that I want to fuck so bad. Its crazy everytime I see her name on facebook on my feed I click it and stalk its so bad. I just think she's so sexy in a bad ass kind of way. Shes thin small and so sexy, great face too. Damn I want to fuck her more then anyone else for sure. I gotta make it my goal to fuck her before I leave school. Its doable, the only thing is she's friends with my Ex and when I was flirting with her before she'd be like but what about ur ex. And id be like fuck that bs.

I want to so bad be able to write a good song. Guitar's the easy part it could be two power chords, but with awesome lyrics and a good vocal melody and rythm it would be something completely new and I want that. I just have a lot of trouble puting my heart on my sleave like that for the world to see. Obviously look how much I freak just over the possibility that someone might see this lol. Singing a song to someone, even the idea of having someone hearing me sing in my room freaks me out because I know I can't sing lol. Im dumb.

It impresses me that a website like youtube can be sold after less then 2 years running for over 1 billion dollars. Isn't that insane? It's worth over a billion dollars, and that was a while ago, its worth way more now.

I feel like an asshole because I'm thinking I may not go to one of my friends parties and she obviously really wants me to go but in the end we probably wont even spend that much time together, its like an hour away and I dont really know any of the people that are going to be there. I just don't know how to tell her that I probably won't be coming. I dont want to be douche bag, nahm sayin?

Well I think I'm going to pass out. I'll see u

Case of the Mondays

2008-10-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

Monday night. Tired.

I picked up a new set of speakers for my room. They're awesome so far. You know I definitely kind of wish I had a single right now, most of the time I dont really mind I guess, but sometimes I want it. Like right now I wish I could blast my music, I want to just jam out or relax to my music blasted though. But I feel like, what if he doesn't want it that loud and shit you know? Its annoying, and you know if I ask of course he'll say yes because we're both just like that too nice. I think about living by myself completely a lot. Getting one of those apartments down the street, studios, like 700 a month. Probably like 800 or more with utilities and cable and everything. But it would be nice, and then I could get a dog lol. I really want a dog. I realize thought that I wanted a dog more before when I was lonelier, im not qite as lonely now. Things are still going well for me.

I've been tallying up the girls that I know I could make my girl friend If I really wanted to. I'm at 2 lol but I think I may be approaching 3 based off of some new knowledge. I'm going to try to make this list grow, the more girls I have on there the more likely I find one that I will actually want to make my girl.

So I did really bad on my Management exam, but I did really well on my operations management exam. I'm still waiting on exams in a few classes and I have one more exam to take for my midterms to be done. I really love this CD, its the 'Once' soundtrack. Great great CD. Mesmerizing. Both musicians really bring a ridiculous rawness and emotion to each song that you don't find in so much music nowadays. So many bands use so much electronic modification and touching up and don't leave the realness of the song to be had(I enjoy this music too) but 'Once' lets it be and its awesome!

I made reservations for me and the old crew from my fav job ever to grab some dinner. Im pretty excited, we havn't all been together in who knows how long. Atleast since last january... Almost a year its crazy. I miss um, I miss it. It was my jam, the greatest life I had I feel like. Personal opinion. But who knows, I feel like I was somewhat unhappy then to, just in a different way. Being there was always great. Isnt that wierd, like being at a job was the best. But it wasn't really a job, it was like hanging out with you're friends, drinking, getting starbucks, gambling, laughing, god and I never really took it for granted either. Normally, when you have something good you take it for granted, but at that time I knew how great it was. I'm just in one of those moods right now.

I tried to cook tofu with corn starch, didn't work out too well, I think I'm going to look up a recipe and figure out a good one. I just burnt the garlic too much I feel like, and the tofu didn't take enough of the flavor. I really need to get some soy sauce or timari. I need ginger lol now that I'm looking at some reciepes and some bread crumbs will do me well also...and more oil. I'm hungry, but I did eat a full meal about 4 hours ago. Definitely a good full meal, and I just had a slice of cake...I'm a fatty. But I have resolved to go to the gym daily, I went yesterday and today and I'm going to keep up with it like I used to. I'm going to try to write a song of sorts.

Its been real

2008-10-19T09:27:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been real. This week has been real.

Let me tell you about my weekend so that I can even remember it, it flew by and not too much exciting occurred but it was definitely fun.

Thursday: I actually did not want to go out for once. I just didnt really feel like it which is wierd, and its not because I'm depressed or something, I just wasn't in the mood. Cool huh? An Alchy like me. Stayed in, passed out pretty early and just watched some TV and shit.

Friday: This was a really cool night, drove up to CT with my friends and we went to see a show in New Haven. Of course I drove(my friends car lol) and it was like 4.5hrs there and 2.5-3 back or so. Not short when its 3am. I was a bit dissapointed in Trivium who I used to be a pretty big fan of but I feel like they we're almost trying to hard or not being who I thought they were from their album. Very full of themselves. Then All That Remains went on. Let me tell you, they were so awesome! It opened my eyes to how good they really are, catch riffs, head banging craziness, I actually went into the pit and went wild because I just really felt the music.

The wierd thing about metal is that, the feeling that it gives you is truely the feeling to go tear someone apart. Is that wrong? I dont think so, but its probably not for everyone, and I think that's something that I have to realize. Because I feel that everyone should love it because the feeling is truely empowering. I love it. Its not like going to a John Mayer or Coheed concert( two musical acts that I also love.) Its a different type of experience. So as a last word, if you like metal please check out All That Remains because they are totally awesome.

Finally,
Saturday: Good day? I'd say so. you know I had a lot of friends around on this day which always makes me feel good, and friends from all over. It makes me feel good to know that my friends from home still want to hang out and all that because its been so long since I have truely been home. So at 12noon Hanna shows up to my crib, they're are a bunch of people drinking because the RU game was starting(I literally woke up 11:45 and had two beers and a bagel for breakfast ha). Hanna and I of course went to go get bubble tea her favorite shizzle, and went to the mall to find her some shoes. Its fun to hang out with her, shes always good to hang with and talk to, and shes cute too so that always makes things good right? Then troy and austin met up with us and hanna had to bounce and we went back to my crib. Same kids were there drinking still haha, and we just kept drinking til like 7. Played some pong, ate some good food, and hung out with those kids who I havn't really hung out with in a while from school. The affection I get from some of these people is always great for me, I need it since I dont have like a steady girl, I need something. At the show friday I saw a lot of girls hanging on their dudes and it made me really crave that, I miss that. Anyway, they left and I took a nap(tried to atleast beacuse other people came and it was loud). Got up and max and 'neal?' came over, I'm really bad with names I've known this kid for like 3 or 4 years and dont remember his name. But they're both awesome to hang out with and really good to talk to. And thats that, passed out really early(well for a saturday like 1) and here I am.

I realized that one of my roommates(and not just one but one imparticular) is very much in my situation. Has friends but always kind of ends up alone somehow at the end of the night, and she's one of the most beautiful girls I know. Makes me feel bad for her because I feel like it makes her doubt herself, when she shouldnt. I think I should tell her that one day. So it has been real. This was an extremely detailed post. I dont usually go into so much detail I feel like with names and all that. I think I realized that its just like fuck it, this is me, this is my blog and if a friend finds it thats what happens, and it is what it is.

I think I'm gonna leave it there for now. And I'll hit ur ass up later. Peace.

Slam

2008-10-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

Weekend.

Things were good this weekend. Had a lot of fun, and too much beer, and too much Keystone Ice.
Keystone Ice, let me make some suggestions for anyone considering drinking this beer. Don't. The next morning - late afternoon you will feel so terrible, it will make you so unproductive, stick to keystone light and just drink more. It will make a noticible difference. Trust me.

So I have been continuing to talk to the Ex, its been fun, its been interesting and brings back a lot of feelings and it feels like we've always been talking. You know? I know that if nothing we can be good friends for sure, I feel like I want to be there for her, and that she will be there for me in the future. And thats important to me.

Next, religion again. I have another note to make. Religion is too large of a player in this presidential race, and in our world. It scary. Its dumb. Think about it. All religion is there for is to make people feel better about themselves and their death. And the death of others. So fuckin dumb. It makes people dumber, it makes people put their blind faith into some rediculous ideal. It ruins people, and instills prejudice. Think about gay marriage, think about slavery, major wars, on going oppression, all created by religion. It attempts to legimimize the most rediculous things. It is what it is I guess though.

Watching pearl harbour. this is a pretty good movie. Isn't it wierd that Japan was such a large enemy of ours, we went from destroying them with the A-Bomb to protecting them with our army because they have no standing army of their own. A very honorable thing in my oppinion. I feel like im mispelling alot of things, but it is what it is. This girl in the movie is so cute, who is it?

I really have to make a legitimiate promise to myself to go to the gym and start running because I am slowly gaining weight, and being fat is one of my worst fears. I never understood how people were able to allow themselves to become so overweight and im not even close to being overweight but I need to get back to a six pack. Big time necessity. The more I fuck the more I lose wieght haha so I should fuck a lot too.

Talks.
I had a really good talk with my mom and with my roommate this weekend. Breakthrough talks you know? You know what you are talking to someone and you know that you connected with them on a new level, doesn't need to be to large a step but they let you in just a little bit more, and you let them in just a little more. I really enjoyed these talks, I think it will help me help them more, and vice versa most likely. Theres that much less to be known about eachother and that much more that can be learned. I actually learned surprisingly that my mom was pregnant before she got married, she was pregnant with my sister before my parents were married and did mention that that was certainly a factor in their marriage. No wonder, two children, and thirteen years later they divorced. They dynamic of my family is very interesting. My dad is his own person, my mom wants to be like other people, my sisters are both angry and happy, both so similar that they can't get along, and I have my own oddities and inticacies that stop me from being close to many, but do allow me to be close to all of my family members. Immediate family atleast.

I have to get ready to go to class now so I'm going to do that. Ill catch u soon.

Earnest Makes Run

2008-10-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

A whole new name. I don't know exactly what made me choose this name, it doesn't really have an exact meaning but I will come up with one, it represents my initials.

Market Watch
I'm watching a CNBC right now, 'Fast Money'! Boy is shit going crazy right now. It worries me, but at the same time, I'm confident that we will be bouncing back fairly soon. It's surely not going to be quick, but over a few months I think we will see markets stabilize and bounce back. I began investing more money actually. My portfolio is down 33%, but I can't let that stop me, I see all of this as an opportunity, everything is so down! Its like buying anything else cheap, cars, food, clothes, except instead of just stocking up this will end up worth a lot more then I purchased it at within a year I believe. I'm betting that I will be back up in two months from today.

Life Watch
My life is now stabilizing and will soon up turn again. I had sex with a new girl this weekend. Slam. Slam is my new word. So thats pretty good, it only happens so often haha, and im knocking down that to do list. Hopefully I'll get another girl this weekend(maybe tonight) or I'll get another one by next weekend is my certain goal. I attempted to write a few blogs but I got distracted. I feel that my game is at an all time high right now, and I believe its on the rise. I'll draw a graph when I get on my computer and post it up here. Day by day I see how girls really just want to fuck. They want to hook up, just like dudes do. My roommate(a girl) said a week ago before going out, "Can I make out with someone tonight?!" of course she can. Why not? And you know what making out leads to. Food. No, no, sex, duh. So, I'm pretty much banking on that theory. I just signed up for Twitter, under this name Earnest Meets Run, look it up, 'follow' me. I think I'm going to start spreading my seed around to all these social networking sites. They really interest me. They're fun, I read how they have surpassed porn, and that they 'are' porn. I believe it, its self gratification I guess. So what, I like being gratified lol. I'll tell you I do this more often then I do HW. I should be reading for class that I have in 50 minutes right now...but I'm not. I'll still get a 3.5, I believe I will. I'll do it.

I looked back to my old blogs a while ago, they really are all about the same thing, in the back of the day it was about girls, and my job, now its about girls and my life. Which was my job ha. I loved that job. But I wanted to specifically note about a blog I wrote about a year ago titled, "Out of Mind" experience. I haven't had any out of mind experiences any more. I used to have them consistently and now I no longer have them. I'm curious of what that means, no longer really viewing my life in that way. Anyway, I'm outtie mctoutie. I'll write again soon, don't you worry.

Girls, Girls, Girls

2008-10-05T16:50:00.000-07:00

I dont remember what the last situation I wrote about last time. But anyway, I realized this week, and I do realize this from time to time but it is certainly even more clear now. There are so many sluts in this world, and at my school, and outside of my school, all grades. I mean, so many. And I'm not trying to put them down, do what you do, just live. Fuck, I'm trying to slut it up some more. I realized also that my game is at an all time high right now and it is only going to get better. I'm happy about that and ready to go out and give it another whirl with some more ladies. Obviously things are going pretty well lately, but I still do not have any real solid friendships or anything unfortunately. I have a few good friends but I really do think I need to expand my friendships with current friends and find new ones.

I worry a lot about pregnancy and getting STD's, and I dont think about it when I'm fucking haha. Its so dumb lol. But I'm not exactly trying to wait for marraige or anything. Hopefully I'm clean and I don't impregnate anybody. I really really hope. You know whats weird? We talked about religion a little while ago, and obviously I'm not religious at all. So why anytime that I need something that is out of my control do I immediately resort to praying? I'll think, man I pray shes not pregnant, or whatever. Please god help me blah blah. I mean I shouldn't be thinking that If I don't believe in a god necessarily...But I don't exactly not believe that there is a greater power or energy in the world, something greater then all of us. And this is what I may be kind of calling for. Its out of my hands, so who can I turn to? Only something greater.

A new outlook.

2008-09-29T11:41:00.000-07:00

This weekend, Thursday - Sunday, was so awesome. Everything I could have hoped for it to be. But it did start off a bit bumpy.

I'm an idiot. My flight to Cancun, Mexico was scheduled to leave 9:35am on 9/24. So you could imagine my dismay when I arrived to the airport excited to get out to Cancun, and the lady at the front desk says that my flight left yesterday. I was going to shoot myself in the face. How could I not look at the date? I just assumed I was leaving with mostly everyone else and ridiculously I thought that the date did not matter. Lucky for me, for a small fee of 150USD I was on the 811 to Cancun leaving 9:35 on 9/25.

Besides that every thing ran smooth. Right when I got there I hoped in the hot tub with my homies, got drunk, met some people, and went out to the sickest club, Coco Bongo. It was off the chain. Next night, I went speed boating, ATVing, drinking, eating, clubbing, and did it again Saturday. I ended up hooking up with this girl from Puerto Vallarta( if thats how you spell it? too lazy to check). She was fuckin cute, I've never met a cute girl from mexico(well one), and this girl was way cuter. So I was happy. Open bar, VIP everywhere we went. It was just great.

Change of heart. Obviously after this, I am just loving the company. I paid about 300 for parking, and tips and things like that, scuba diving, but thats all, thats it. Company hooked it up. And my friends with the company are so awesome too that it makes me not want to leave them. This expeirence make me look back on my expereince, and I know that all the torture I went through really was worth it for everything I learned and everything I experienced. I would never have gotten to go to mexico like this, or scuba diving, or sky diving, or possibly to Utah to ski and snowboard(if I stay with the company a bit longer). And with the money I made I paid for that trip to Canada(I'm not sure if I blogged about that but maybe I will later) Thats a current debate in my head.

Stay? Is it worth it? My time? I think that staying a bit longer is worth it...

But is it?

I would get to go to Park City, Utah for free also. It would be awesome. So awesome. That company values working you're ass off now, and getting rewards later. It teaches you the importance of relationships, integrity, and balance. Unfortunately, a lot of my life during the internship with the company went against these values. I lost some important relationships by working too much, compromised my intergrity(because I was working too hard to push further), and did very little but work at the time(no balance). Now I am pretty much just laxing out so work then party now. Thats balanced I guess, I do see now more then ever the value of my intergrity, and the value of relationships. So maybe I had to compromise these things to truly learn their value.

How does one learn value? Maybe it is like they say, when you lose something, you learn its importance. I know for certain that I do not want to stay through the spring, maybe helping out here and there. Helping out with a visit with an intern, showing them the ropes, but not everyday all day, and not every intern. My problem is when I do something I have to go all the way. And unfortunately, when you go all the way with this internship its far because everyone is so awesome. So I push myself to the very brink, and I break. I cannot experience that again, not with this company atleast.

A new out look.

I kind of feel really good right now. I feel like I am hopefully on an up slope like I was about a year ago at this time. In Cancun I realized something about myself and about regrets. I am me. About 2 or 3 blogs ago I wrote that I wasn't exactly sure who I even was, that I was fake, and I realized that is false. I am me, this is me. I may take on personalities of other people sometimes while I'm around them a lot, but that happens to all people, and even with their attributes I still have a light of my own. People see my personality, and people enjoy it. I believe that. I realized it, while I was hanging out with my friends in Cancun and we were all hanging out and talking by the water and each of us had our very distinct personalities.

Even though at one point I may be quite, one point loud, one point funny, and one point mean, doesn't mean that all of that is not me, I am all of that. I can be all of that. I also realized that regrets are for losers. I will no longer regret any actions of my past or of my present. Why am I doing this? Why am I sitting here? I should be out? I shouldn't have done that, or left her, or eaten that. It's what happened and whats happening and it must be accepted, and only be used constructively to propel myself to the future.

I believe that I now want to do something with myself. I do want to begin to think about my future. I believe that I do want to own a restaurant/bar and I think that I will love it. And I know it will be hard, I have to brain storm ideas, and I'm sure that I will come up with something good.

Um, I think I'm done for today. Later.

Daily Dose

2008-09-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

Its been a wild and crazy day. Ha, not really. I pretty much woke up late, went to class, library, chilled, gym, home. And here I am.

Here I am. So, I am keenly aware that every time I spot a girl, I immediately decide if I would fuck her or not. Under one second and my decision is made. I also realized that they type of girl I am most attracted to is probably in the 8 range. Not a 10. Why is this? My theory is that by basic psychological theory you are automatically attracted to someone at you're level, and you subconsciously know essentially what the best you can do is.

Ex. Fat people with fat people, pretty people with pretty people.

It is a rare occasion that we see fat people with pretty people. I know, it sounds mean. In general just calling someone a fat person is mean, but this is strictly unspecific so we're gonna let it slide. I guess I would consider myself an 8 then. Puts things in perspective.

I just ignored an IM from someone. I ignore IM's, calls, texts. I'm kind of douchebag(I know its two words but I prefer it as one). Look at me, striving to hit my goals. If being friends with someone doesn't really prove to be beneficial, I just ignore them. If being friends with someone proves to be beneficial, I'll embrace them. Sometimes I choose to embrace those who I ignore most of the time, out of convinence and need.

My relaxed life is great. My roommate is awesome, we both live a very lax life.

( Confession: All day I think of things in rhymes, like I'm a rapper or something, its wierd. Like im outty like mctouty. That doesnt even make sence. Just now when I wrote lax, in my head I thought lax like ajax. I mean, why? lol. I'm sure I'll stop doing that soon, I really only started thinking that recently. I'm also trying to think of a new catch phrase or word to begin using so thats partially the reason. I often create new phrases and words and people like it, so I keep doing it, but I have to continually update my vocabulary. )

My new profile picture is kind of creepy ha. Its a compilation of picture of myself mashed together and edited in paint. So, now you kind of know what I look like. I'm leaving for Mexico on Thursday and I'm so fuckin excited. It's gonna be so much fun. I hope it will be atleast. I read a book once about how we always overestimate how happy something is going to make us, and I am constantly trying to save myself from overestimating by resestimating. I am excited though. Hopefully I'll just be drinking all the time.

I told myself you know I'm not going to care about my health and this and that, maybe I'll start smoking, drinking all the time. But, unfortunately, I'm too cautious of a person. I can't bring myself to smoke all the time and shit. I have asthma and I know my risk for lung cancer is already increased by 50 percent automatically. Which is a staggering number. And I probably already smoke cigars once or twice a weekend. That's probably enough to increase my chances. I want to be a bad ass, and I'm just not. I wish being me was the coolest thing I could do.

Its funny how much things change from when we're little. Everything is nothing back then. That's my best friend and I when we were little. We'll he's not my best friend anymore, haven't spoken to him in atleast 9 years I'd say. When you're little, the difference between, right and wrong, bad and good, left and right, its so irrelevant, you're just innocent. I was walking to class, and a little girl out of a house delightfully bellowed, "Hola!" It made me feel so bright. I mean that girl said hi to me without knowing me, without even seeing my face, I was walking passed her 10 ft away, and of course I awkwardly replied, "Hola." She got so much pleasure from such a simple interaction, and she doesn't have a clue that screaming to strangers is probably not the smartest idea. But it definitely brightend my day. I walk down the street and I'll be standing next to someone, I'll be on the bus, smushed up next to someone, and neither of us will even recognize the exisitance of the other. We attempt to ignore eachother because thats easier, thats easier then getting to know eachother, its easier then communicating, its easier then a potential and likely awkward silence, its easier then judgment, its easier to enjoy the distant chatter, self provocing thoughts, and a 5 minute ride down 18 we've all enjoyed more then a few times.

Alright, we'll that'll be the thoughts for today. Thanks for hollarin!

This is my new way to pass my time and my to do list for this year

2008-09-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

Now that I have all of this time on my hands( being that I am shed from the oppressive life of the employee), I think a lot more in general and then I feel the need to relay that on to my blog. It keeps me busy in not so many words.

This year I am going to try to accomplish a few things which I will write here, some of which I have most likely mentioned before but hopefully this will be clearer for you and myself as well. Lets call this a New Years Resolution of sorts, maybe an End of Year to the New Year Resolution.

TO DO:

1) Write some really great music
2) Force myself to sing and write lyrics to any great songs I create
3) Focus my attention on being creative
4) Make the lives of my family better
5) Set a Goal for my future
6) Become more of a douche bag
7) In reference to 6), stay true to my true self
8) Follow my heart
9) Find 2 new good friends
10) Fuck 3 sluts
11) While in search of sluts; also dedicate my attention to finding a girl who I can envision myself with, have intelligent conversation, and one who I find myself being extremely physically attracted to as well. Someone I would like to take home to mom, one who I will take home to mom, and someone new.
12) Keep up this blog
13) Open my eyes to new things
14) Have an adventure
15) Read a book, and finish it
16) Keep myself on deans list, receive a 3.5 or higher.
17) Truly forget and discard the idea of that girl, then become friends with her

A SIDE NOTE:

Well that should do for now. I want to quickly refer back to numbers 6 and 7. I was thinking today about my summer, and in particular two clients that I had dealt with. One was awesome, and the other terrible. One would make me feel terrible every time I even thought about going to their home, and the other made me feel comfortable going back there even to this day for some coffee. The one who made me feel comfortable reminds me of the type of person who I would strive to be in the future. I would describe the one who I hate as a douche bag, and I certainly do not want to be a douche bag like that and certainly do not want to keep up being a douche bag for the rest of my life. Its a semi-permanent goal and more a representation of a lifestyle and attitude change. The client which I thoroughly enjoyed said to me when I finished after I thanked them for being so great, "We like to think that we're working with the people who work on projects around our home," and this philosophy obviously transcended only household projects but everything they did in their life. Now and for the rest of my life I hope that I can be this type of person, who will always lend a helping hand at my own expense.

RELIGION

I have spend a good amount of time contemplating religion. It fascinates me how people connect with religion, with GOD. How they bring him into their lives, how it 'saves' them. Why does this happen, its quite a phenomenon. I mean, this type of things goes against all logic. It is completely based on faith and not fact. And it consumes people. I want to mention two cases I have studied of religious interactions. One is my friend who we will call Sandy. Sandy is extremely religious and we have spend plenty of time discussing religion with one another. She is perfectly aware that I am not overly accepting of the idea and I am perfectly aware of her love of GOD. And this is what makes our conversations quite stimulating. Also, I have been educated in the bible, taking both courses on the New and Old Testament. I have studied contradictory passages, passages that go against so much logical knowledge, passages encouraging slavery, the oppression of women and disrespectful acts that Jesus himself has performed. With that aside, while talking with her, I found that she really needs GOD because of her need for a father figure. And GOD is that for her. She has never had much interaction with her father, he is MIA. Not in her life at all. GOD fills a void. Now let me move to a band, As Cities Burn, they are what I would describe as Christian Hardcore. Every song either explicitly mentions Jesus/GOD or implicitly does. And a few of their songs mention their loss of their father early in their life, he walked out on them.

GOD as long as you're faith is intact, can NEVER walk out on you.

I think that this is important to note. People find religion when the need something more in their life. And they are convinced that GOD is what they need, that Jesus will same them. For me, their is just too much wrong with religion, too much close mindedness, too much illegitimate story telling. I cannot accept it. My friend Sandy tells me that GOD has presented so many opportunities for me to accept him and I continue to reject him. Unfortunately that is my choice, or fortunately that is my choice, I do not believe that rejecting GOD makes me a bad person. I keep myself open to all possibilities, but I cannot with a full heart ever say that I believe in GOD, and I can never really say that I disbelieve either. Who am I to know such a thing.

An idea like GOD is for no one to decide if he is a truth or a lie. If you study the origin of religions, it only makes one wonder more how anyone can put their faith so blindly in place.

Religion is a product of fear.

PART 2:

In class today, this is an early class so I'm already in an irritable state, but this is something I notice kids doing all the time and its just pretentious. The professor makes an extremely obvious mistake, why point it out? Its only for self gratification. Everyone notices, and if they don't it does not matter because its so simple that its not something that would destroy anyone in the future. The professor is embarrassed, pretends to be grateful for the comment, changes it, and we all move on. The one who mentions it then feels like they just accomplished something great. Why? Because you know that 8x8 is 16 and not 14? In the grand scheme of the problem its useless, the method is what matters. Self gratification is not necessarily a problem in many cases, you need to make yourself feel good, and you should make yourself feel good often. However, in that case it is pretentious and at the expense of others. There really is not benefit to such a correction.

My roommate mentioned today how 'our generation' his grandparents mentioned are obsessed with self gratification. I believe it. I like to satisfy myself all the time. I just picked up a great big brand new hdtv, only to make myself feel good, only to show others that come into my room how great I am. But its not really at the expense of anyone. Only my wallet. And my wallet doesn't mind.

I think I'm going to write up a list of things that I hate, because part of my old me is someone who would try to like everything, and everyone. I think I'm going to stop doing that. I know that in my blogs, I definitely write about things that bother me, but in life, I rarely think badly about people, things, and I try hard to keep that up. Lets become a hater.

I hate:

1) Anyone who thinks they're better then me(no ones better then me)
2) The fact that I can't get any girl I want
3) People whom are pretentious( see previous passages)
4) Close mindedness
5) Waking up early
6) Not being able to sleep
7) Corrupt Politicians
8) Losing
9) Standardized Testing
10) Coming up with things I hate

Hangin with mr. cooper

2008-09-21T19:15:00.000-07:00

Sunday night.

The weekend came and went like piping hot cakes. Tomorrow I have to get myself out of bed and down to college ave by 8:20. And earlier if I want to get some breakfast. Life has been easy. It's been simple. I feel like it has been at least.

I really just get up, go to class, try and pay attention, and go back home. Sit here, and think.

I go to the library for fun, for exhilaration, to hopefully knock into someone I haven't seen in a while and talk. I go to the library to blog and drink coffee.

I have a new attitude. I don't remember if blogged about this yet, I probably did, but my new goal of this year is to be a douchebag. I really want people to think that I'm 'not that nice.' That's the goal, if I can reach it is another story. I do enjoy myself, I also hate myself.

Today I found out the my sister now has a boy friend. My older one. This is her first boyfriend in all 22 years of her life. That's pretty serious. I think its a big deal, but she's not trying to make a big deal out of it. He's a pretty nice guy it seems like. Hopefully it works out so I dont have to kick his ass. I'm thinking about subtly revealing my identity soon. I'm sure if anyone that knew me read this blog they would know who it was, but whats the purpose of hiding?

Why do I hide?

I can't really say, its got to be a part of my past that doesn't allow myself to open up to people. My true personality is unknown to even myself. I'm a Pisces. Pisces have the tendency to take on others identity's without trying. I often find myself acting like people that I spend a lot of time around, even a few hours in a car with someone and I will absorb their personality. Who knows. Maybe mt personality is real. Maybe its my own but I just have a hard time clicking with people for all types of reasons. It's partially because of my middle years of insecurity. Made me insecure for a while, and it carries on I can't really get out of it. I'm going to read and get my chinese food. I'll see you when I bleed you.

Just tryin to live

2008-09-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

All I'm trying to do is live. I'm drunk.

All Im trying to do is live. I want to talk to girls, and I did it a little bit, but not enough. Maybe its baby steps. Maybe its pussy steps. One of my friends was there, he's got it easy, two sexy girls approached him while he was just sittin there. That's annoying, I feel like I would play that to the end.

I'm pretty pathetic sometimes.

I was lookin good too. The girls liked the new do, and everyone always likes my style. I lost my sweater. I liked that sweater alot too. I think someone stole it, I'll have to check in with lex about that one. I text the girl that I hate, I hate and love her, shes such a bitch! Ahhhh god, even lex said she was a bitch tonight, and that she was different and shit, and still when I'm drunk I want her more then ever, why?!!!! is it because I can't have her?

Its annoying. Its life.

I made the previous blog, I made it with no written entry. I made all of those pictures/ designs, I just started kind of making drawings on my computer and making cool pictures out of them, I thought that they looked really cool. Life.

Im gonna pass out. late

My New Hobbie

2008-09-18T21:37:00.000-07:00

Appreciation

2008-09-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

I am trying to really appreciate all types of things lately. I know that is a bit broad but for example: Art, Music, Life, Family, Friends. These are a few things that I am beginning to try and appreciate a bit more. We'll see if anything really changes, lol. I never was really into museums or anything like that but lately I have been really wanting to visit some. There is one right here at school and I think I'm going to try and go this week it always seemed really cool there. I decided recently that I wanted to smoke some weed, so I think this week my roommate and I are going to get some. I keep feeling like If I smoke maybe my eyes will be kind of opened to appreciating these things in a different way. I definitely want to watch this movie I borrowed from my sister, I think it will be cool. I was never big into smoking so I hope its fun and enlightening when we do smoke because I feel like it never really has been all that great.

I went to NYC with a friend of mine on monday. We kind of just wondered around for a couple of hours haha and then finally went to brooklyn to visit some of our friends at their apartment. Really, they are not so much mine as they are his friends, but I definitely had a good time and maybe I can consider them my friends as well now. Maybe, maybe not. Its kind of weird, like those kids went to highschool with me, and seeing them for the first time in 2 or 3 years didn't like bring back memories rushing back or anything, I didnt feel like it had been so long since highschool, but in reality it has been. Life is new now.

The lifestyle of those kids in the city is great. It's like freshmen year plus sex. I loved the newness and random drunken nights of my freshmen year. And I want to recreate that. I want to recreate that with more sex lol.

I had a pretty odd and cool dream last night. Two actually I guess that I remember. In one, I was in a kitchen, in my house or someone familiars house, and the girl I'v been hooking up with was there as well as some other girl who I can't remember, both asian. And I had been hooking up with her as well in the dream atleast. And then the second one kind of discretely because my ex girl friend and I didn't really notice the change. So my ex who I havnt spoken too for at least 4 years now was trying to play the dominant roll over the other girl and attempting to be possessive over me and to not piss her off, I allowed it. So in the end, it was awkward and weird and I told her that we're broken up, but it was really good to see her and we should hang out soon and that I missed her and her parents.

I believe that this dream has something to do with the fact that I have recently been talking to my other ex and she hasn't gotten back to my last message yet, and that makes me feel kind of awkward. It also bring about my feelings I think about the new girl I'm hooking up with because I do kind of want someone to bring me back to my past in a way, in a way bring me back to how I used to feel about some girls, but with a new girl. Which brings me to my next dream.

I was waiting in line for a sandwich at a very popular deli(similar to the one I was at in NYC). A lot of people were there in line and I ordered my sandwich and payed for it, and everyone was getting theirs except for me. And I asked the guy what was going on, he told me that we ran out of what I wanted and that I need to pay him for another one. I couldn't believe it. I pretty much just refuted what he said told him I already payed him 10 for a 5 dollar sandwich(and I can't figure out why I did that in the first place) and that I'll just take a Sub with provolone and swiss cheese. There was a girl next to me witnessing this whole debacle and she wasn't cute at all, I'd rate her a 4 and she was very close to me and touching me, it was a close quarters deli so it wasn't awkward and I just put my arm around her and we laughed about what had happened. Then she turned around and again like in my last dream discretely changed into a much cuter girl and we continued talking and flirting. I was having an awesome time talking to her in line and when we got out I just asked her, "Hey you know if I could get you're number that'd be cool and I'll give you a call sometime." or something like that. And I've never asked a girl for her number like that before, but I obviously have the desire to. During this whole thing also my roommate was also in the deli and I was watching him the whole time because I wanted him to see me talking to this girl and then I wanted to flaunt that I got her number. I remember that pretty clearly.

This dream I interpret as initially my feeling that I am kind of always last in line really because I am just 'too nice.' But it also shows how I know that I can be and am confident in many situations and can do something like the most important thing to me, meet a nice new girl. For instance, the other day on the bus I was talking to this really cute girl who I had known for a while but never really talked to all that much, shes friends of friends and all that. Anyway, I made a point to keep the conversation going the entire ride back and we exchanged numbers. I haven't actually hit her up, but I feel like the ball in kind of in her court in this particular situation.

Maybe thats one of my problems though, I almost always place the ball in someone elses court. Expecting them to shoot it my way. I have to keep more in touch with people, and expect them to keep less in touch with me. Thats important.

Its funny how often I think, "I am the perfect person." I really think that so often. I think its true. But I still have flaws, I'm just the best that you're gonna get. Sorry other people.

Rememberance

2008-09-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

What is the importance of remembering a tragedy?

Today is 9/11/08 so its been 7 years since the September 11th attacks. Why do people feel the need to remember? Especially those with no real connection to anyone lost. And I don't mean specifically this event, in general. You will see in peoples profiles, with wrist bands they wear, and etc. peoples need to show that they have not forgotten. Why is that something we feel is necessary?

I have never really lost someone to close to me, so that may be likely why I do not really see the need for this ritual. I always think that its probably better not to dwell on the past. I mean maybe thinking about it, and 'not forgetting', once a year is not so much dwelling, and more of a respectful action. However, I think that keeping in ones profile, like Danny Velloinzid 1987-2007 never forget. Or something like that is a bit on the dwelling side. What makes someone feel that writing that is a good idea. Its like reliving the tragedy over and over every time you're online. And forcing others to relive it.

Forgetting I really do not see as a negative. Its very different from sort of rejecting it or unhealthily pretending it never happened because its painful. Forgetting, in a way really just letting it slip into the backburner of you're mind is a way of allowing you're self to move on and bring new light into you're life. Remembrance is a negative thing in a way. Moving forward is a positive.

Alright so now back to me for a minute here.

So its game day here. And I realize of course its not exactly a development, but it does kind of sink in a bit more legitimately over time. I really don't have any friends and it definitely sucks a bit id say. I mean its game day, and I didn't get a text from anyone, or a call, or a facebook message, or anything about going to the game, drinking, tailgating, nothing and it definitely sucks. I mean, i just really don't have anyone who thinks that I'm fun enough I guess to contact. And you know, I'm not the type of person, and I dont feel that comfortable trying be more proactive and texting or calling people to attempt to invite myself along with them. I really feel like a douchbag right now. What did I get myself into? I am definitely lame. I will probably go to the game, drink, like I'm drinking now, and if I dont really meet friends there, besides the one I'm going with, then I will probably come back home and watch some tv, and go to bed. I just dont connect with people on a level beyond level one. Which is acquaintances, and I mentioned two or three blogs ago. I have about 2 friends that ever text or call me to hang out if I dont contact them first. And I do love those friends. I definitely do. I don't take it for granted. But I also think that our relationships, as much as I appreciate it, and I am sure they do as well. They also have other friends that I think are as close or closer the them and vice versa, then we are close.

I know that I complain a lot. But Its really just complaining to myself. I don't really complain to others, I kind of put on a persona. But It isnt exactly a persona, its really me. I'm just a bit depressed right now because I'm drinking and alone(well with my roommate). But I am generally happy. But I think that when I'm happy I am in a kind of imagining that everything is alright. But really its not. Anyway. I'm gonna go now. I'll have to catch up with you later.

Livin La vida Loca

2008-09-06T21:34:00.000-07:00

I was sitting here, opened up to the blog page and then the title just came to me. Livin La Vida Loca, haha I don't know why. And then it made me think of the Thong Song by sisco, and now I'm watching the video which is a good deal. You know, its kinda weird how google owns everything. They own this website, they own YouTube, they own google lol.

Hmm, it's been a lazy ass day, just lazed the hell around. Did nothing, didnt go out to any parties tonight. I drank thursday and friday so that was enough I guess. Thursday holy crap, I drank this old ass liquor I had sitting around and ended up tossing up in the morning 3 times haha. I had to leave class and I didnt even make it to the bathroom lol. What a day that was, and then I was drinking by 8 oclock again lol. Thats whats good. I have also been really trying to push myself to flirt with girls better/ more naturally is probably a better description. And I've been doing pretty well, holding good conversations and not really leaving room for friendship trying to keep more a dominant roll in the conversation which I think has been good. I'm determined to get better at closing the deal by the end of this semester, hopefully by the end of the month, I just need to keep meeting new people.

Meeting new people, not even just girls, mostly though, is going to be the theme of this year. I want to broaden my social horizons. I need a type of action plan to do this, but I am positive that I can pull it off and meet a lot of new homies. Make mad homies, that is the plan. Bring some love into my life. Today I just lazed around with my roommate and watched like 50 movies haha, that not exactly meeting new people but it was pouring rain out, and actually, I met two new girls this morning and did awesome with keeping the conversation going and I think I put myself in a sort of good place in their minds. Success.

I need a life. I need a girl. I need to keep up my grades and motivate myself. I need to practice more guitar. I need a new toy. I need to sleep better. I need to be more comfortable with myself. I need to leave each day with no regrets, and progress with each day. I have to eat healthier. I have to go to the gym. I have to keep writing this blog.

I would like to buy myself either a new guitar, or something flashy like a nice big new tv. I do spend a lot of money, and I have to stop. But I have all this money coming to me now and I love buying new things haha, its a problem. I'm like a girl. I can't wait to pass out tonight, I think I'm going to take that melatonin and see how it works. I really love my bed, thats a plus right? Life has been pretty good lately, I feel really good about my decision to take some time off. I have been working nonstop since second semester freshmen year, and now its first semester junior year, I'll make sure to get a job before I turn 21 so that I just dont drain my bank account on alcohol.

Anyway, also, my ex girl friend messaged me on facebook. Which I thought was pretty damn cool. I'm sure she is just thinking about me and trying to see how I am doing, I know that there is no sort of romantic premise to the message but it was nice to hear from her regardless. We all know that I miss her and feel that the break up was mostlikely a mistake, but really, it was something that had to happen. I grew because of my time alone, and I did a lot of things I would not have done had we been together. Thats something that I never really realized before now. One great reason to write about you're feelings is that you open up areas of you're life and come to realizations like that, that normally you never would think of. Its pretty cool really. I told her we should hang out, and I really do want to, I think we can be good friends like we used to without and romantic involvement. And I think we should try to be friends like that, I am definitely mature enough and ready to hear about her boy friend or whoever and feel genuine happiness for her. Thats something I know in the past I was incapable of.

Damn my chest is so fuckin sore, I dont remember the last time I was this sore. I worked out hardcore at the gym like wednesday and today its fuckin hittin me, actually maybe thursday. I mean worked out both days, and today too but I did chest thursday. I'm trying to get myself back into the gym, back in shape. I'm gonna go because im getting tired. Goodnight.

Thinking

2008-09-02T20:41:00.001-07:00

So I have really been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I have a really difficult decision to make and I feel like I am looking everywhere for an answer and I'm just not coming to a conclusion at all. This is probably the first blog I've written in a long time and will actually post. Sometimes I sign on, write a paragraph or two and don't post it, I'm not sure why. I think that just typing it all out is therapeutic enough without posting it on the world wide web.

How do I want the next year of my life to play out? And how will this next year effect the next and possibly others beyond. In the end, I want to just be happy, and successful. I want to succeed most at being happy. You know, this may be a classic case of the grass is always greener, but I think I need a serious companion. Whether it be a dog(which I really want), a new awesome friend, or best of all, a new girlfriend. It is undoubtedly time for a new girl I feel like. I think anyone that reads this blog is pretty sure about that also. But in the end I have to decide which way am I going to reach this. I have a world of options infront of me, and right now it seems like so few. Its one or the other, a life with choices, or a life dictated as it has been this past year. With the internship I just endured, at a first glance, it is an internship of great freedom. On the inside however, it is more of a prison. Mentally it is a prison. You are so consistently confined to the stresses and successes and good times and bad, but all of this, all of these feelings are in relation to one thing, to one item in life, to this one job or intership. Thats the life I led the past 8 months. I just don't know if I can live that life again. I feel so close to being free of that, to making choices again. Do I want to take the day off? Do I want to go to this party? Should I get another job or an internship? Picking the right thing for me is something I'll have a hard time doing. I recently took a short trip on my own to sort of soul search and just explore and take time off. And most of the time I had only one thing on my mind, and that was work. That is not the type of life I would like to lead. Its unfortunate that I cannot seperate myself from work the way I would want to, if I could, then this decision would not be so difficult.

With girls, I need to set more serious goals. Find one. Find two or three. Hang out with some girls I used to chill with, and chill with some new ones. I need to be confident enough to meet girls in situations that I normally would not. Thats important for sure.

Day 2:

This is a two day blog because I passed out while writing it. This morning I got a text from a girl trying to convince me to stick with this job. We'll talk later. Also, last night I got a call from a girl who is a good friend of mine. Probably one of the few people who I would consider a good friend, and oddly enough, we're probably not even that great of friends, but we can always be open with each other about things, and thats something important to me. I am not very open with a lot of people, but I think that when people really begin to open up to me I am willing to open up with them. I was watching a show, and I really related to one of the people yesterday. Its a reality show of course.

'I have 150 acquaintances'

Thats pretty much my life exactly. What keeps me from getting close to people? Something funny is that people immediately take a liking to me for some reason. I wont do anything special but people begin to trust and like me within a short period of time. I really do not know what it is. But that trait is what gets me 150 acquaintances. Not 150 friends, or 150 best friends. Not even 5 people that I feel I can really depend on to be there for me, and that I think I can tell anything, or really see myself being life long friends with. Honestly, however, my friends from back home are certainly a step above my friends from school. Thats pretty weird right? All the people from my home town really remained good friends with their original group. Kind of strange. People always say you'll never talk to people from highschool again. And fortunately for me, I do. Maybe people from New Jersey are not the type of people for me. I doubt it, lol. People everywhere are pretty similar. Anyway, im getting distracted so I'm gonna go. Later babes.

Life Update

2008-05-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

Word, Im at the library. Supposed to be studying but I thought I would take a quick blog break. I have been enjoying finals time lol. I feel like I have more free time to just relax, relax and study. I finished up at the restaurant, and last week I made it to number 1 intern in Jersey so I'm feelin pretty good about that. I have been enjoying just studying by myself and getting it done, no other people or distractions. My roommates have been annoying me worse then ever of course. I mean its all psycological, in my head I say their annoying and then everything they do gets on my nerves. Really Im just angry about the whole situation and I cant wait to get out of it. Moving is going to be nice, and now I am getting a bit nervous about that lol. But it should be fun I think. I gotta get to the gym lol. I have missed alot cause I was sick. But I gotta get out there before I move, I mean we're living with three hot ass girls, I gotta be lookin fly.
I am pumped to get over there tho. I'm pumped for tuesday when finals are over and school is done! Then Im just going big time internship on the ASAP. Its gonna be serious. I'm like a scavenger, watching out for like every girl. I have been thinking a lot about my ex. It sucks. I just want a girl like that. Whatever. I think I'll probably pull a 3.0 or 3.2(Im in the midst of adding labels and I ended up with a 3.5) this semester which I'm pretty damn happy with after working so much thats not fuckin bad dude. I do like being me. It's not bad. I just gotta get some chillin time in. Get away from the negativity of my house and get back to my roots. Chill with the homies. Find a good girl to settle down with. Hopefully something creeps up this summer. I'm excited to go see my dad this weekend. I'm taking off a bit early to go get some dinner with him in the city with my sisters. Thats the word.
I dont know I thought I had some more thoughts to go over but I really dont have that much. Maybe later I will. I always have the same thoughts anyway. You can read last weeks blog and itll be the same lol. I just need to periodically flush um out. Cool dude. Back to work. Later babe.

I can't wait to get out dude

2008-04-29T08:10:00.001-07:00

Seriously, I cannot wait to move. And honestly, after the summer I just feel like transferring, this environment is really draining for me now. Life has been just been hard lately. You know I've got class, work, and the internship and its freakin busy as hell. I am currently one of the top interns in the nation though, so that feels good. Its starting to pay off. I can't wait for school to end. I don't think I really did all that well this semester. We'll see how it ends up. I'm gonna be getting a grade back on a paper today, that'll have a pretty serious impact on my grade. I'm a slacker this semester. The summer is going to be very stressful, but hopefully fun. I set a dollar goal for myself, and if I do that much in sales I will have made about 30,000 by the end of the summer. So thats not too bad for a college kid.
I had a dream last night which fuckin sucked. It was with the girl that I have been thinking a lot about lately, and she came up to me and my friend and starts talking to her and she invites my friend to go to this show or something that she's in and doesnt invite me to go. Everyone of my friends but me was really invited. And its pretty much just a reflection of reality. About 2 or 3 weeks ago I get home from work and my friends are heading out and they're like, 'are you coming', and I didnt know where, and they were heading to this girls house for a party that she said nothing to me about. Me and this girl used to be mad tight, me and my friends used to be mad tight, shit just got wack over this year. I don't really know how to fix it all you know? I mean I can see how I pretty much created this environment for myself by working so much. But you know I'm at the point where I have to work, and now I just can't get out of a lot of my obligations. Its not my fault that these kids are fuckin lazy, and privileged, and don't work a fuckin day, sit around and can still afford to smoke weed, with their parents money. Its ridiculous. Life man. What can I do. I have a lot to think about. I just know this last month in the house may just be miserable. Atleast the next 2 weeks during finals, if they move back home then shit will be good. Hopefully they do.

6ft Small

2008-04-14T19:40:00.000-07:00

I was watching made today. The kid could not read his lyrics to his friends and made coach, I felt bad for him, but I realize and know that what is holding me back from writing lyrics is my fear of people hearing them also. So I began to write and I came up with stuff I liked. I mean they coach said just write down everything that comes to your mind and it can become lyrics eventually its just your feelings. And I really do that with this blog most of the time, just write out my thoughts. So here goes, here is some of what I wrote to guitar something along these lines atleast:

Its 11 oclock, its 11 oh 1,
I'm sitting here dreaming of the morning sun,
Because I know this night will be just like the rest,
I'll try to be natural, and dress my best.

I want you to give me this last appeal,
I need to see if this how I truely feel,
Is one first kiss to much to ask?
If you dont like it it can be our last.

Through this claustrophobic house I can see your face,
I try to smile and make my last and final case,
thats what I said the last time,
I try to smile and make my last and final case,
that what I said the last time.

I want you to give me this last appeal,
I need to see if this how I truely feel,
Is one first kiss to much to ask?
If you dont like it it can be our last.

I wrote you this song because I can barely speak,
When I see you I just feel so damn weak,
I have this cryptonite I keep close to my heart,
It hurts so bad but I just can't fuckin part!

I wrote you this song because I can barely speak,
When I see you I just feel so damn freakin weak,
As the shadows fall upon me I watch this come apart,
Like a torn seam, from my quilted heart.

So give me this last appeal,
I need to see if this how I truely feel,
Is this kill to much to ask?
Its not your first, won't be your last.
Its not your first, won't be your last.

Not bad dude, Not bad. Letting those feeling out, you feel me? Are those lyrics corny? I guess really in a lot of ways all lyrics are corny. I think I might try this when I get home and see how it goes. I wrote alot of this just now actually. This is really about this party we had this past weekend, that damn girl that I fuckin liked forever was there of course and its just like I want to just pull her in and kiss her and see how it goes, but I dont have the guts lol, I mean I know that wouldnt go over well lol. Anyway, I really have to get going on my paper now and finish my tax extension filing, I'll catch u negros later.

Look into your eyes without shakin

2008-04-06T22:14:00.000-07:00

My main issue in life is my assertiveness. I need to develop that part of myself. And I need to develop it this week. Ha, I have to be able to tell people how it it, and just be very a matter of fact about it. This is this and that is that, and its true, you can't question me cause I am right, take it or leave it. I pinpointed some major cracks in my estimating system and to fix a crack you have to caulk the seam by running a bead of caulk down it, smoothing it out with your thumb and then painting over that to protect the caulk and blend it in with the home. So I have to fill my crack and blend it in with myself. Be assertive while still keeping my original personality. Just having people trust me as I am. Two things I will break them down into two categories which were broken down for me.

1. Make them like you.
-Build Rapport, ask questions
-Include Facts about yourself
-Why are you doing this?
-Done at kitchen table.
-Must build trust.
-10 minutes minimum rapport building
-Keep asking questions about themselves

You know its wierd

2008-03-25T23:02:00.000-07:00

Life is just wierd. My life is wierd., I fuckin messed up tonight at work, and last week at work was wierd, and I just feel like quiting. My roommates fuckin married to this chick and she's cool but it fuckin sucks that they are always around always. Sigh, who knows, how did my life turn out this way? Its surreal, its wierd, I feel like the characters on lost. How did they turn up there, how did I turn up here? Sorta wierd how I did get to this point, I remember what led me here. Its all got to do with money and a girl. Mostly a girl. I had to get away, and I did. Too far away. But I found something in the process,something I loved, and hated, and now I am just stuck in something that I regret. Somethere far from where I want to be. But I have to be. I hope I find my way out of this soon. I know this is all very ambiguous but for me it doesnt matter because I only really write this for me. I can read it and understand, if you read all of my blog you may be able to decifer this. Over time I have spoken much about this girl, and work, and life. How it all fits together. Not easy, and very hard, I do not know where I am going to go from here, you know? Where am I headed after this semester? For the summer? Probably not the beach with my college buddies like last year. Probably lots of work, and fun fun fridays with my coworkers and such. Wierd how you are already friends with people you work with, its so easy to be friends with them...and often times, all you can find to discusss, is work. Why is that such a solid base for a friend ship. I'm not really so sure. I lover writing these because they make me think really deeply about my position and i get dragged around through many aspects of my life, I think I might theme every blog from this week, we'll see. I am tired and going to sleep. Laaaaater.

I need to reflect

2008-03-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

This week really does require quite a lot of reflection. A lot happened, and a little happened, and too much happened, and too little happened, my life was good, and my life was terrible. I was on the top and on the bottom, I don't really know. I am working so hard its not even funny, I must have done atleast 80 hours this week, I didnt go home for spring break, or hang with friends, or celebrate easter, I worked. Every day. Thats too much. But the fact is, I worked that much because I wasn't seeing results, and I need to see them. If I dont I have to work harder, and now I just need to work even harder, but I can't so I dont really know where to go with this. I'm getting really frustrated. I actually went backwards from where I was. Backwards! After all that work. This is in the internship by the way. After all that I ended up with a cancellation! AHHH so frustrating. Hm anyway. I dont feel like talking about that anymore. You know what imporant to me, girls. I can't figure out how im gonna find a girl that I like. You know whats wierd. I think for the first time I am genuinely happy for someone when I should be upset. I hope that means that I'm growing and maturing. I just got to get to bed im so fuckin tired and ready to sleep, I don't feel like having my roommates back, I dont feel like going to class, exams suck, lifes wierd, I want a girl, that I like a lot, good night.

I thought it was a good day

2008-03-03T19:54:00.001-08:00

I was looking out of the crowded bus today, listening to music, and just looking through the trees at the sun. It was so beautiful out today and it really made for a good day. It made all of the walks between class and meetings and everything so pleasant. It enhances life quite a bit. I met with zack today, had a good meeting. Over viewed the weekend. I had a fairly successful weekend I would say. Booked a job, did 7 estimates, and we got 19 leads. My marketers do such a great job for me, but its hard to afford them. Working at daryl has not even covered the cost of marketers yet. Well, hopefully everything runs even better next week. Im pumped cause I have Zach coming out with me to 3 estimates this weekend. Its good to have him come out cause I guess it gives me an excuse to not book it. If hes there then I am not to blame for not booking the job. I just realized that thats the reason. But really even more importantly it give me a better chance at booking it I feel like. I mean he wants to book me a job bad since he didnt the first weekend so hopefully we book all 3 this weekend and I'll be so happy. I mean if we book one of 3 ill be pumped and then hopefully I can book atleast one more from next weekend,and one from last.

I have been thinking non stop about girls, honestly it haunts my thoughts. I just want a good girl. Someone to chill with. I would make room for her in my schedule and cut things out. I just want to have someone to connect with. Currently, I need that connection more then ever. I realized that I am back to junior year of high school.You know? I thought that I had never been in this type of position before, but I have. Junior year I had no solid friendships, plenty of friends but nothing super strong, I never really do anyway, but I also had no girl and pledged that the next girl that shows interest in me I'll date. And I did that, and it turned out great. I can't do that now though. I need a stong relationship. Someone I can really connect with and talk to, and have sex with of course. Hm, its interesting how everything works out. Here I am, 17 years old. I am just much more ambitious and driven then I was, I push myself to my limits instead of being bored. Its good, but I'm also ready for that vacation. Ready to hit europe. Get drunk. Smoke. Have fun, be a kid. I spotted some Wendy's cups and bags sitting down in the parking lot, and it just reminded me of when I was in HS going to Mcdonalds and taco bell and eating in the parking lot on a nice day. And just having aimless nights and days, who cares what we're doing now, cause we dont know where we're going after this. Once we had a hide and go seek game in our town! With cars, just for fun. It was such a good time, and a waste of time. I mean, I want to have more time for those wastes. Less for work. I'm gonna bounce cause my bat's dying. I'm gonna shower and get to bed. <3

Learning to be Natural

2008-02-29T11:34:00.000-08:00

I noticed that one thing that I need help with is learning to be natural. People respond to openness, and people respond to your true personality more then anything else. Its appreciated. Its appreciated as a server, its appreciated as a bar tender, and its appreciated as a sales person. If you're trying to sell something, even if people want it, or need it, want they really need to see that you mean what you say. Even if you don't. They need to believe that you do, and they'll believe it if you can show a genuine side of yourself. Your true personality has to come out when your interacting with people. If they smell your fear, or they can see that your not feeling strongly about your product, then your going to have a hard time. The best thing that I'm going to learn this year is how to be natural. We all know that I have trouble with that. I don't even know if theres anyone that I am really myself with. So learning to show my genuine personality will help me in building all types of relationships. I see my bosses at both of my jobs show natural personality, it comes out with ease, and thats what I need.

This is a video by will.i.amof the black eyed peas. Its a musical rendition of a speech made by Barack Obama. I am becoming more confident in Baracks ability to lead our nation. There are no doubts in my mind at this point. He is the person to do it. He makes me feel comfortable, and excited about the future of our nation. If he was president, when he is elected, I will cry. Its going to be a great day. I am become more against the idea of Hilary, and I do not want McCain, and I just believe that a nation with Barack will be one of much more unity then the one we are currently in. He has the ability to bring good people behind him, put strong players into his cabinet and that will help our nation be strong and help our nation get back on its feet. Its a nice thought. I just hope it works out. I may move to spain anyway. Just for a little while though, and when I get back I hope to see a state of the union with barack obama standing there.

Its creeping up

2008-02-27T22:17:00.000-08:00

Soon its going to be my birthday. I'm getting a bit excited about it actually. I'm not excited about receiving presents or anything like that. Cause chances are I wont really receive any lol, I dont get my hopes up about that. I am excited just chill out and drink with some friends, maybe my co-workers for the first time. That'd be cool. Tomorrow nights my classic thursday night excursion. Hopefully I wont throw up this time ha. Mmm, im tired so I think I'm just going to hit the sack now. I had a lot of good thoughts today and I just cant remember them. One thing I was thinking about is how my hair, back in the day was like a crutch. It was so easy to make friends and meet people when your hair is a conversation starter and people want to meet you because of it. You know? Like it means I do not have to develop my personality in the same way. Maybe thats why I'm suffering right now socially. I don't have any good things to speak about, no good starters. Its not like i dont have friends or can't meet new people but im in a valley. Not meeting many new people and not clicking the same way with my friends. I am clicking more with old friends though. And I am meeting new people through work and this internship so hopefully we'll all drink together and loosen up. Its much easier to get to know someone that way. Thats what I enjoy about work. Meeting new people. People that you automatically have something in common with. Often times its the only thing you have in common. And thats ok. Its another crutch right there lol. Work friends. Ok well Im really going to bed.

Out of destruction comes creation

2008-02-25T21:07:00.000-08:00

You know, lately I feel like I have been learning a lot. My political science courses teach me so much about how my country and the entire world work, and how nations interact together and within themselves. So many interesting things and spectacular feats are enacted all around the world daily and rarely are we educated on it. I mean currently I would say I know little about so much of other nations. One of my teachers today said, "I don't know if anyone keeps up on Australian politics, but..." and I laughed. I was like what? Who keeps up with australian politics? Apparently he does, and other must know what occurs there. And interesting things go on there. I read a few chapters of this book which discusses an amazing political instance in Amsterdam. A group of essentially anarchists, got together and ended up becoming so influential that they received 5 seats on a 45 seat city council. They ended up pushing two parties out of the council and taking seats from other parties. So interesting because it started as a few kids with this crazy idea about bikes and no cars and anarchy and friendly, peaceful neighborhoods, kids with no power. And they influenced a nation, and then influenced nations around the world. One of their most spectacular ideas was of the 'White Bikes'. They wanted to stop driving in the center of the city and to do this they wanted to have the government supply the city with 20,0000 bikes each year. I mean, even half of that im sure would have such an amazing impact. But this party without any government help, by their own initiative took donated their own bikes, painted them white, accepted donations of bikes and painted them white and brought them around the city, they were just community bikes. Anyone could use them. Amazing, I could just walk down the street, find a bike, use it to get to the store, and leave it there for someone else to use later. So sweet. So trusting and kind and impressive. I dunno. I like it a lot.

The title of this entry really speaks in particular about one instance of history. I have always been pretty much completely against the use of nuclear bombs. I am against the building of them, and I am for the deconstruction of our current supply so that the United States has literally none left. We have to set an example for other states to follow. The point is that I believe that it was wrong to use nuclear weapons in world war II against Japan. The effects of were so destructive and terrible, cities leveled, a rediculous amount of civilians killed, and many painful long deaths resulted. Although it may be argued that lives were saved(on the american side mostly) and that the war would have dragged on much longer, but lets ignore that argument because I do not have the time to refute it. So, the point is that after this destruction came an amazing creation. The new Japanese culture, the new Japanese morals, and constitution. One of peace. After going through such an intense war, one that ended terribly and one that the new generation did not want to experience, and one that the current generation did not want to see ever again, the new Japanese constitution was formulated. The sovereigns of the nation took away the right of the government to go to war. No standing army was allowed. No nuclear weapons. None of that. Spectacular. I'm tired so im gonna end it here. But the point is that a lot of good can come out of bad. Creativity and invention come from the lowest points of peoples worlds. I'm not sure if that sentence makes sense but im leaving it. And im leaving. Later.

Even when life sucks, it good.

2008-02-23T20:07:00.000-08:00

Even when life sucks, its good. Something really interested I learned this weekend. Its really a good thought. I enjoy thinking about it. I heard one of my bosses say it the other night, and it was something surprisingly optimistic. I never thought I would hear something like that from him. Somewhat insightful and thought provoking. Imagining that even at our lowest, life is still good, is something to dwell on. I mean, I do feel that right now, I have been a bit low, I have been working so much, and its been hard but, ya know...life is still good. Too bad it sucks now tho haha. Whatever. So anyway, the point right now is that what about other people at their lowest? Meth addicts, alcoholics on the streets? At their lowest is life still good? When it sucks, is it still good? Who knows? I dont. Just something else to think about. But you know, probably even at their lowest, they must have some true happiness. Or even false happiness. I mean whats the difference? Right? So anyway, I think I should go to sleep, maybe I'll elaborate on this idea tomorrow after I do 153 hours of work. Ill see you soon.

Chala

2008-02-20T21:03:00.000-08:00

So, I'm sittin in my room, like pretty much every time I type one of these. I smoked a couple of hours ago, like 1 hour? 2 hoursish maybe. I dont smoke much, wow, ha I was just gonna right about how I don't really get high much, not cause iv grown a tolerance but because I just dont really get high I guess. Bu literally for that entire sentence and I'm trying to stop my self now, I'v been like swinging my head around just cause I cant stop and it feels cool. Wierd. Cool, I sorta feel like 'Go Ask Alice' writing this shit. Writing a blog and doing drugs. This is a nice little break, I actually really need to do some reading for tomorrow, but I probably wont. I'v done fine on the other reading quizes and he drops like 3 of them, worrd. I'm probably going to bed soon, I really want these peach gummies that I had the other day, they're so good I really want some. I think maybe I will place guitar. I may go out and get those gummies if I can scrounge up a couple bucksters. So, hmmm what else. Yea so I really don't like my roommate, its probably just because I have gotten tired of him and tired of looking at only the good in people, now I look at a lot of the negative mostly. This kid sucks at guitar. Any way, its cause I have been recently just like let down and lost trust in people for it. I'm totally craving those peach things. I feel like sometime I have to sensor what I say because I worry that I'm going to leave this up one day and they'll see it, cause even with my computers closed, its not safe, every time i look at my computer someone elses face book is up,or aim is on. BS. Dont use this comp without my permish yo. Hm, so pretty much just me and my two other roommate are going to be living together next semester. I was told by my other roommate that as a last resort he would live with these other kids, but that he was with us to the end. Two days later, he's living with them. BS. Give a brother a break, with us til then end, the bounce out. Well it makes me feel like not getting a house and just moving to Mallorca or something for atleast a semester or two, then maybe coming back and finishing school. We'll see after the summer. But I guess I should get a place just in case, but thats sorta like a crutch then...oh I have a house I cant go, something stupid like that. I would hope that if I have the money and the motive to still go I would. I just dont want to all together give up on school, I think that I do want to travel though before getting out of school and getting tied down with a job. Tomorrows the day, I'm gonna try to take that girl from work home, or atleast some girl would be nice. Besides the girl I always take home. Shes so attatched, how can she like me so much? I'm not even interesting when I'm with her, I'm boring. She's really just in lust I feel like. I need stop being so good looking. I'm really trying to get some gummies. What time should I get up tomorrow? I think I'm gonna go to the store if I have the monetary support for gummies. Nope, i popped some gum and now I'm not that interested. I'm tired, think im gonna get some quick rest and just chill. Im going to hm, not talk to you tomorrow probably,but ill be back soon.
Peace.

Hardest weekend

2008-02-18T19:48:00.000-08:00

I really worked fuckin hard this week. I spent ALL week preparing for opening weekend for marketing with this internship. It was rediculous. I really dont even want to review it at all I just worked I think a total of about 26-28 hours between saturday and sunday alone. Saturday night, I hit my breaking point. It was insane, I never was so drained in my life. I was running around, literally running, trying to get leads and I was just getting rejection after rejection, and I had such high hopes that I was let down so hard. I went to my last home, it was dark, cold, and I was alone, I tried to push so hard at the home to get the lead but they told me not to waste my time even dropping off my business card. It was pretty devastating that even my card would not be accepted there. I have never had so many people not be willing to give me the light of day. So anyway, after that I was walking away from the home, and it hit me so hard that I had failed. I just began to cry, for real, I cannot remember the last time that I have cried, its been years. The last time I remember crying is literally...maybe 5 or 6 years ago. It doesnt happen often. So anyway, I really got slammed. Sucked man. But I had a good night in the end just going out with some friends. Then got to bed early to wake up early. It was so loud in the house, its so rediculous, my roommates just screaming and yelling and being drunk and high, its annoying. Like I enjoy being drunk and whatever but I just feel like you have to grow up at some point, and being obliterated and then smoking a 7 blunts in the night isnt smart. Get some sense you know? I sorta actually am thinking that I want to try to smoke some J soon and see how it feels. Just by myself. A friend of mine smokes every night and then just hangs out on his own. I feel like doing that. I'm not like immaturely smoking every night or whatever, its really just for the thought provocation. I'm interested in exploring my mind really deeply, you know? I want to reach enlightenment, like Buddhist monks. Do I need to lead a life rid of all material goods? Beg for my food? Or scavenge? I totally lost track of my thoughts. Sucks when that happens. Anyway, I really just want to come to some sort of a realization.

Lets see, I had this really sweet dream the other night about this girl at work, and I dreamt that we were dating and I was like so in love with her. And I just loved showing her off, not because she was pretty but because of how amazing she was as a person. I would like explain to people she's not the prettiest girl but she is the perfect girl for me. I was so happy with her lol. Now I decided I gotta test the waters out. Give her a shot and see how it goes. I'm gonna try to get her to come out with me this week. If not, ill try next week, slowly work on her. She'll crack hah. I dont think itll be hard at all, having the confidence to bring her back to my place is the hard part, cause im a douche when it comes to that part. But i really want to have another siiiiick dream like that. I just love having dreams that I remember, and dreams that I enjoy. I really love being in dream land ha. I had this great string of dreams while I was napping earlier this week where I had total control of myself in the dream. Pretty much like supper intense imagining lol. I could fly around town, do whatever I wanted I loved it ha. So I'm heading out, I'll try to hit you with some more dreams later this week. Hopefully I actually get to sleep. Catch ya ass lattaa.

The Future, My Life The only one I have

2008-02-12T23:37:00.000-08:00

This life is pretty interesting. I love looking in on it like this when I type this blog. I really lead my life in a way that I never have before. I lead my life in the most ridiculous ways. Im happy sometimes, most of the time I find myself to be distraught, insensibly judgmental of my friends, which intern creates anger, stress and unable to accept most people as equals. I have been looking down on the people that surround me more then I ever have. I just wonder what do they have to complain about? I have two serious jobs, goals, classes, obligations, and a future that can be quite successful. You know what I should do. Transfer. Thats the best plan I think I could have, but to where? I can't think of a single place where I could be happy. The only thing that sparks interest in me is imagining myself in Spain, or Italy, free of all this. Maybe next semester I'll tell my friends I dont want to live with them. Then I think of life in a home by myself, quite, serene, and oh so lonely. On weekends, face book would make all my plans. I would have nothing else. Thats the way it works. Wish I had another alternative. I just dont. So Spain looks like the top choice. I choose you. I would love to meet a girl who met my standards. I only meet hoes. I really expect too much from people, and from life. I lose faith in it all.

It begins

2008-02-05T22:25:00.000-08:00

I started this semester two weeks ago about I think. I had no job, didn't really have to worry about my internship yet, and was just relaxing. Then, I got a job, I'm getting heavier into this internship, and have lots of school work to do. Its a lot. Probably atleast 100 or so pages to review for my job, I have to take a test and pass to serve at this place, and then I have 90 pages to read and I have to take a test this weekend for my internship, and I have so much reading to for school. Work on tuesday, thursday, and friday, internship full day on saturday and sunday. School Monday through thursday. Its pretty intense. But I'll def be getting used to it. I don't know if I went over this yet, buy my Ex recently got together with a new kid. Sucks a little bit, I sorta always saw her as an option. I really loved her, but too bad, in the end I don't really mind, I knew it would happen eventually. Its no big deal. I have to wait until I find that girl for me, I just can't find her. It's really going to take a while, and I'm sure of that. I'm working hard. Today at work this gay dude who is producing a west side story show on broadway, asked me If I was a model, or if I ever considered it. And I just feel like, if I am that good looking that I can be asked if I'm a model, and its happened more then once, im pretty much zoolander, then why is it not easier for me to get girls? Cause im not aggressive enough I think. I just need to be confident in my abilities, and I'm just not. I always think like, hmm is she interested? I'm not sure. And How can I really know? Fuck it man, I just have to go for it, fuck rejection you know, who cares. This weekend I should just really go for it all the way, try to get with some girl, set my sights and go for it. Hm, it would be a good goal to set and meet. Also, I feel like I want like a modeling gig to just fall into my lap, I want someone to be like come here and model, good extra money for me and it would be fun and sweet to say that I'm a model, right? I think so, lol. I'm pretty superficial.

I was thinking today, I dont try to be like the nice guy...you know? Its just me. I can't change that. It would be nice if I could, but people just see me that way. At work, I had no idea that my co workers saw me as the nice guy, but all of a sudden they're all saying how they thought I was like the nicest guy in the world. How do I get that? I mean, in the long run, I think it will work out in my favor. I think I'm smart, nice, good looking, and everything will turn out will in the end. Life man, its so tricky. Who knows what the correct path to choose is? No one knows what will make us happy. I assume what may make me unhappy, but I can't really tell that either. Its totally tricky. I'm tired. I'm pretty tired of a lot of things. Fakeness. I mean, its pretty classic thing to say, "I'm so tired of people being fake". But I'm not talking about others, I'm talking about me. I should be more straight forward with how I feel about people I think. Just let it out sometimes. Maybe I should talk to a shrink sometime, I think it would be nice to talk to someone. I think I may ask my sister who she talks to on campus and go ahead and talk with them too. Its pretty late right now. I am going to go a head and stop blogging now. Good to talk to you. Later.

Progression

2008-01-28T21:59:00.000-08:00

My life often takes sudden turns. I feel one way then I feel another. While I wrote my blog yesterday about considering becoming a lawyer I completely disregarded my other also very real dream of packing up and moving to California, France, or Spain, or all three. And just spending time in a different place. With different people, and experiencing new things. Sometimes you need to live life without a plan to really enjoy it and to be truly liberated. Its when we are in the least control that we often feel the most exhilaration. Imagine your feeling while dropping a hundred feet on a roller coaster, you just want to do it all day. Or atleast I do. I know certain people, like my mother for example are not so fond of that. But simply forgetting about our most obvious constraints in life for just a little while make us feel better then we ever can in our monotonous lives. When we leave work and our family to vacation with a lover for a week. We are at our most happy. Or at least supposedly, we are. How can we know what truly makes us happy. I just imagine, which from a book I read, our imaginations of what makes us happy is always wrong. But the fact is my imagination tells me that going to France and living for a little while would be exciting and new, and that I can just move, move to spain, get a job, waiting tables, making a reasonable amount of money to support myself and help me travel more, and I can make my way around, experiencing new things. I don't have to answer to anyone. My boss hardly even has a stake in my life, I only have to move if I'm fired. Enjoy myself. If I do well in this internship I will have some money saved up to start my travels.

Lets look at the other side, shall we? Here we go: Today I was watching some video's or Obama, and of the Kennedy's endorsements of him. The speeches surrounding this situation was really and truely inspiring. Its like the best speech I had seen for Obama. The point is that, it inspires me to go into law and politics, so I can also do my best to make change. If even on the local level. But maybe I should go do my travels while I'm young and ambitious, and after that, I can come back for study, or maybe I can continue my studies abroad, a semester here, another there, and score my degree that way. Probably not that way though. But eventually I can go back to the states and get myself into deep into the politics here. I would most likely want to be right here in Jersey at the end of my life. Maybe California or France though too, the just seem like such great places. I've been to both, but I don't remember Cali well, and I did not spend too much time in France, and mostly in Paris, and I was not overly impressed. We'll see when I go back. But living there is different, enjoying their great social programs and real life there is different then a visit. I love Spain. I should go live there. Anyway, I'm going to go to sleep now so I can wake up and go to the gym. Night.

No World For Tomorrow

2008-01-27T22:57:00.000-08:00

I came to a realization. It's really just the way that I am programmed. When I meet people who I believe I may actually have a future with, people whom I envision, or can clearly see that we will spend time together in the near and distant future, I withdraw. Psychologically, my mind can tell that I am in a situation where my impression matters, where what I say, how I act, and who I am with, matters. And with that I worry, and I withdraw, I become shy, I cannot make comments and questions and be who I like to be, have the same level of confidence, intelligence, or charm. I do not often meet people who meet these requirements, people who matter right off of the bat, people who I can tell may impact my life. For instance, my family is one case, not my immediate, but only my more distant family...aunts, uncles, cousins, even grandparents. Only recently have I come more out of my shell with these people. And only for one reason, I have unconsciously realized how little they may impact my present and future. I can avoid them all I want, they do not often contact me exclusively, only my parents. I can really enjoy my time with them more easily because they do not have a necessarily long term or consistent effect on my life. Its interesting. I am certainly weird I feel like.

Its similar to the way I react to girl friends parents. When I meet parents of friends of mine I can charm them to no end, they always love me, mom's I would have to say especially, and I can get my personality out. I have a good time with them really. But once I am dating their girl, I get nervous making jokes, or comments, or anything, because they now may have a long term position in my life. And I may also have a position in theirs. It makes sense that I do not want to jeopardize my situation with them by screwing up with words, however, it doesnt make sense that the only people who actually matter, I can barely show my true colors to. I surely don't know my own self as well as I would like, but I would like the people who matter to see as much of my true personality as I can allow to come out for others. Its annoying. We'll. I think that may be all I really have to say for tonight.

I started this semester, and its hard already. Too much reading. What can I do? Also, I have been considering a few new career paths. I am becoming further and further immersed in the political field, in how it works, and who is involved, and why maybe I would like to be involved. I have considered becoming something in the field of law or politics. Maybe a lawyer or something in that field, maybe just a politician of sorts. I think I have the ability to stay honest and make good judgments even if I were involved in a field as dirty and corrupt as Law. Law may be one of the dirtiest and more corrupt fields to be in. But some good people have to be in it. And maybe I'll be one of them. Maybe not. We'll have to see. I've got time.

The Fifth Element

2008-01-20T22:09:00.000-08:00

Im sittin here watchin the fifth element. Chillin out. I went out for a little while, to chill with the girls. Chill with that girl that im hookin up with. Waste of my time to go over there. I didn't want to but I got suckered into it. Oh man, life really is like a crazy game. Thats all it is, I mean, we just live at some point, where ever our memories begin, and then end. Like, at some point, we don't even really remember things anoymore. A lot of people develope Alzheimer's and things like that, were just delerious or have no ability to make decisions for ourselves. All I'm saying is that, life is wierd, I mean, its like living in a book or something. I dont even know where I'm going with all anyway. The point is that life is just wierd. Like tonight I was hanging out, sleeping, job hunting, chilling with those girls, and I didn't really enjoy my day. Why not? Two days ago I hung out, chilled with my homie, played guitar, went out to the bar with some girls, and I had a great night. What the big difference? Is it the group of people? My attitude? It really is all attitude. Ay. Whatever. She was looking good tonight. Thats a plus. But. I still want another girl. I still want a perfect girl. A girl I'll never find. I still want that girl that I'm still in love with. I just need to work the game of life in my favor somehow. But how? Thats the real question. I'm a total dork. I'm really fake I think. I don't every know what I want. I'm crazy. I'm actually not crazy. But everything else, I am. I should talk to a shrink about all of my thoughts. Maybe they will give good advice. Eh, im out. Peace.

Night

2008-01-19T00:17:00.000-08:00

Its night time. I'm in my room, 320 in the morning. Im done blogging. It was a fun night. I'm excited for tomorrow night. I'll write again soon. I had a good blogging time earlier, so hopefully I'll write again soon. Love you! Bye!

Back here

2008-01-18T18:42:00.000-08:00

I'm just sitting around the house. Feeling a bit low. I dont really know why. I just think its because I dont really like having everyone around again. Its a little bit stressful. Having my room and having the house to myself was all really nice. I made the decisions. If they're here I cant really go out with my other friends when I want and I cant watch what I want to watch do what I want to do. You know? Just like everything with the other guys now is just a little fake, not the same and its just stupid. I don't feel comfortable the way I should, its just forced. I wish I could just honestly move somewhere and meet all new people, I think I would enjoy that. At least for a little while I would enjoy it. A new school, a new dorm, its probably like the only way for me to really learn about myself. Its too constricted here. I can't really decide what I want, or where I want to go, or who I want to be with. Anyway, what can you do?

So, I am so stuck on that girl still. It really sucks I have no idea how to get myself away from that, its so frustrating. The other night I had a dream with her in it, and I just knew Im deep in again. Havnt even seen the hoe in like 4 weeks. Fuck it man. She texted me right before I had sex with the other girl too. Wierrrd yo. Not really but honestly I'm starting to feel a little bad about having sex with that other girl cause there's no feelings at all in it for me and I know there are for her. Shes just texting me and shit all the time. Who knows man. I just want it to end and find a new girl. I want to go out with my work friends tonight, things are very nice and relaxed when I'm with them. They are all like in very real points in they're lives and very open and vulnerable, its good to see a genuine side of someone. I appreciate that they show me that side of them. I have so much trouble showing my vulnerable side, aka. this side of me. What I write here I just pray no one that I ever meet reads. Its really for me to just get out my feelings and I appreciate that I can do that. Hm.

I just bought a new car that I am so in love with. I'm living like a poor man right now tho. Need a job bad. Ill survive. I just dont have the money to go spend time on my own anymore though. The one thing that keeps me sane. I went to B&N to get some time alone, and relax, and I bumped into someone I knew, I was angry about it, not too nice to her, very stand offish, I felt bad. But I couldn't even help myself, I just didn't want to know anyone there. IT feels good to just spend time to myself, doing something. Not just sitting in front of the TV or anything. Writing, playing guitar, driving, even just walking around. I dont want to go to this party tonight. I know both the girl I have feelings for and the girl I have sex with will be there. I'm going to have to drink myself away from the situation. To deal with it. I dont want to spend time with either of them right now. I can hopefully get drunk then go meet up with some of my other friends at a bar or something. Relax.

I feel bad not really liking my current friends. I feel deceitful. They are really good people. Just not people that I feel I can open up to at this point. It's to late for that. I am listening to this CD I just bought its 'Between the Trees'. I like them. Just picked um out of random. From the name. Attracted me. Looking for like a hardcore band of sorts. I knew they'd be good because they thanked Jesus first. Christian rock bands are always good. No matter what. I'm not even christian I just have figured it out. Lol. Anyway. I'm going out for a bit. Ill see ya soon.

New Year

2008-01-01T20:03:00.000-08:00

I was looking at my last post and its like I go from being a sucker to a god ha. But thats just like how it is, I'm both of those. But really I'm not a god ha I just sometimes think highly of myself. But I am definitely a sucker too. I am really way too nice sometimes and it makes me a sucker. Anyway on to my New Years Eve which I was looking forward too and I had a really good time.

I went to work as always around 3pm, set up and I served until about 10. Then I worked behind the bar for the rest of the night. I had some catching up to do. So I made a whole lotta shots. It was so much fun, because we werent that busy but I still made money, so I got to make drinks, make some for the other servers, it was really just a lot of fun. Then we left and went out to my friends, he cooked, we ate, and played some pool, I got to take lots of alcohol home. Got home around 7am. Tomorrows the last day the restaurant is supposed to be open. Should be fun. Going out after. I shouldnt drink lol. I drank like 5 out of the last 7 days. Thats too much lol. I need to cut down, but im so bored here with no one else in new bruns. So I go out.

Hm. I'm gonna finish watching zoolander. Later.

Im def a god sometimes

2007-12-27T00:34:00.000-08:00

So tonight was proof. I was at work, I lost about a hundred and then one it all back, got like 4 bottle of alcohol and then a ride home. Sat at home, talked to my sister online and watched some really depressing videos and then I get a call from a friend of mine. She wants me to go out with her. Actually, her friend told her to call me cause she wanted to see me. The 29 year old girl I was talking about last week. Helloooo. I was so right. This girl wants me. We were chillin, then I was like I'm going home, then she's like no we're going to my apartment, we all went there. And I didn't want to really stay there and fight over her with this other dude that was there, but she obviously wanted me, she kept touching my leg and staring me in the eyes and shit, classic signs after calling me. But my friend wanted to leave and I wanted to walk her home so I left. I can only hope that I see her this weekend, with no other guys around to fight with. Its annoying, dudes are always trying to get with girls so its hard to find a cute girl with no competition. But I think I have that shit in the bag if I try. Which is good. I'm really just happy to know that my 19 yr old ass can scam on a 29 yr old cute girl and have a chance at all. Its redic.

Hm, I had something to say but I forget what it was. I yea I remember. I think I purposely do things like walk my friend to get out of difficult situations. Like I could have stayed but then I would have had to find a way to make sure I get this girl and if I didn't I would have been all upset and shit. You know? So I am like running away so that I dont set myself up to possibly fail. I possibly could have been to shy to fight for her, unless she came to me, I probably wouldnt have gone to her, you know? I mean I am 10 years younger. So I think I probably do things like that just so that I dont see myself fail, I need to work on that. Just be more of a risk taker. I dont really want to discuss christmas. It wasnt too great, same as every year. A little depressing. So, I am going to skip that blog. Til another day when I feel like talking about family shit. So I am going to go to bed almost four in the morning already. Catch you later.

<3

Im a sucker.

2007-12-22T22:11:00.000-08:00

I'm giving you two days worth in this blog. What an intense two days, what an epic two days. Ha, you will be disapointed by the word epic, because it certainly was not. Obviously, I'm ending the night at 1am writing a blog...That says it all.

I am remembering that the last time I wrote was at my work, writing a brief blog. Well that night was so great. I think I mentioned how I was looking forward to work, and how great it was. At the end of the night I was drunk, getting free drinks for me and my friends, my friend max and his friend nick came by, and I really love those guys, Max is such a great person, I dont know nick to well but he is a good friend of Max and he seems real cool. Anyway, I was drunk and I made so much money playing C-low, it was sick. Then my coworkers friend was there and I was just flirting a little bit with her, but in the end of the night after we left my place of work, me her and my two coworkers went to her place to drink a little more. And we played jax and I did some guitar. I am giving all the details away so if anyone involved reads this they'll know, but I dont really care right now. So anyway, I was feeling this girl, I always thought she was cute, but I was getting a vibe from her, and I know the vibe. I was really putting the game on her in the end just telling her im interested...I find out shes 29! Shes way older then me! More then 50 percent my life! Thats alot, but she seriously did want it, she was asking my co worker, "is he really 19, is he really 19?" I was like NO! But it is the truth so too bad, missed out on that cute girl,I want her, maybe soon. She wont, too old, damnit!

So then we went to Shana's, yup I have up a name, my coworker, I'm to drunk to care about secrecy right now. We hit 711 and got mad food, I paid since I made that money, and we talked like all night about how I like this girl who's party I hit up tonight. Its like, ahhhhhh, you know, ive written multiple times, I love this girl, shes too much for me! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! i'll never get it, I hate this whole thing. its killing me, thats why I'm here early tonight. Typing. So stupid. I could be having a good time getting drunk where I work or something, If I was over this girl I could be at her place having fun. I'm so stupid. So fuckin Stupid. I'll never get over it, and I'll never learn.

Lets roll over to today, (ps last night I went to bed at 6 and slept on my friends floor), ok so today I woke up, got my contacts in and got some food.

I really dont understand some people, I ordered coffe and a bagel at dunkin donuts, and I saw this girl and she was definately feeling down, my order cost me 3 dollars, and I felt bad for her so I tipped 2 dollars, 66 percent. Thats good. And she didnt even acknoledge me, stilll! Like really! say thank you? look at me? anything, she didnt even look at me! And then I got my bagel and neither did the guy who got it for me...like im nothing? No attention to me. I said thank you so much, he doesnt even look at me, piss me off.

Thats that. I went to go see the girl I'm hooking up with off. Went to chill a bit. Shes leaving for Cali. So I went there, chilled, she's cute, but she complains too much. Lets continue...I proceeded to go buy kegs like a bitch for the girl I like, I fucking hate it, why did I help her? I'm a bitch, I'm really getting upset right now, this is going to be the longest blog I have. She makes me feel so low. Like scum. Why do I deserve to try so hard, and get nothing? I really want this girl, and I cant have her, I never will, and I'll never give up, ahahdg;alkjg;aoidjga;odisjf! I couldnt even write ahhh, too frustrating. Insane. So work was alright, just played CLow made some money and hung out, drank plenty of vodka on the job, but its all good,. Ate some whipped potatoes, normal night. I dont know where my train of thought was, but I am going to steal so much stuff from work now that I know were closing, I'm stealing the shit out of it, fuck that place! fuck it!

I am going to miss my co workers so much.

Fuck the manager.

Fuck. So after work, I went to Rachel's, thats code for the girl I love from now on. Rediculous, I had a real good time with my boys, but thats not enough, I need attention from the ladies, pretty much rachel especially but it doesnt happen. The only girl I get any attention from is girls I'm not interested it. I would hook up with some of them, but its not enough for me when the big R is around. Not enough. I'm a sucker. I'm changing the title right now. I can't win. I cant wait for new years eve, I'm getting so drunk. SooooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOoooOOOOOooooo DRUNK! I think maybe I may be an alchy soon. I hope not. Listen, I cant even express my feelings right now, I need to go to sleep. Good convo,loove you, good night!

I must have ADD or something

2007-12-21T12:47:00.000-08:00

I was reading my last post, and I really must have ADD. I read it and its like, what? And I wrote it haha. Sometimes I just get distracted, talking online or to my roommate while I write my blog so my train of thought is interrupted. Sorry about that.

So I am at work right now, yea I know its wierd, blog writing at 3:48, usually thats AM for me, not normal to write a blog in the afternoon. But, I'm at work and I'm closing so no ones here and I just need to buy time before my next job cause I can't close up just yet, and I have no other work to do! Fun.

Really I wrote like 13 hours ago so I have nothing to say, maybe Ill post a picture up cause thats what I said I was going to do from now on so I guess I should. Here goes:

The Week Is Over

2007-12-20T22:42:00.002-08:00

Well, here we are, its thursday, or I guess friday early early morning. And my week is over. I am looking forward to work tomorrow, I am excited to be done with exams, and its great. I'm in a pretty good mood right now, but I am feeling a little confused and weary.

As Ive mentioned before this girl I'm having sex with, I just hope shes not looking for more then what we have now, its like chilling and friends and sex, no real obligations. I dont really want a relationship with her, so I just dont want to have to hurt her. I hope I don't. Ill keep ya updated. Regular sex is certainly nice.

I think that I have to big of a head. I think too much of myself. I mean I think that I am like the nicest guy in the world, that I dress so nice, that I look so good, that I have a huge dick, that I'm so smart, and so insightful, the list can probably go on and on. Does everyone think these things of themselves? I mean sure I'm exaggerating it a little bit but that is really almost how it is. Obviously I do see my negatives though, and maybe thats where the balance is. I know my strengths and weaknesses? Or is thinking that in itself too pretentious and arrogant. Who knows. I only ever express this stuff in my blog which no one reads.

I wrote something good on guitar today, a nice chord progression, I like it. I'd love to write lyrics, but why should I? I am too shy to sing in front of people and especially when words that I wrote, my own expressions are involved. Thats way too much. Showing my emotion through my guitar is a lot for me in itself. Talking to that girl right now. You know the one, the one I'm in love with, not the one that I am hooking up with. Too bad they can't be the same person right??? God, how does that happen. I love religion. Love it. I really find it to be the most intruiging thing ever.

I'm going to post up a few pictures I think every blog now, just pictures that I see around that I think are great. Often I find great ones on MSNBC.com but its all flash! So I cant get those but here are some other good ones.

Thats good for now, I really like those pictures. Yea I'm deep. Ha Just kidding. Love you, bye!

And then I knew I was in hell

2007-12-18T12:41:00.000-08:00

Last night, at 3 in the morning Alicia Key's new album began to blare through the thin layer of sheet rock that separates my room from the neighbors part of the house. Not at any normal volume, and not with just one person singing along joyfully to the tune, but with a basement full of friends and uninvited guests to a party where drinking, games, and music would endure the dark and cold. Its finals week. This was a problem, with an 8am exam( turned out it was a 12pm exam), and hearing this ridiculous song for the 100th time since last Saturday at work, I had definitely entered hell. Ironically, my New testament exam was the next morning.
This morning I woke up at 7am, grabbed a bagel from abp for the second morning in a row and sat by myself to complete my studying for this exam. As I read my eyes drifted to the top of my study sheet where I discovered that this exam was at 12pm. I went back to bed until 11am. Did well on that exam, I can feel it.
After a total of atleast 16-20 hours of studying in the past three days, I am so over the whole studying thing. Thats why I am taking a break now to write for a bit. One more exam later tonight at 8pm, and then one on Wednesday morning at 11am. Work Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and a paper due Friday morning. Fun. Christmas is coming. Thats good, maybe I'll get some money towards my car, get my car, and take a quick vacation. Sounds too good. I was thinking earlier this week about writing a blog about how I am probably just like pretty much a regular old person. I mean, I am. What does set me apart? Not really anything. I like to do normal things, I have fears, I can be embarrassed and tickled as much as I clam that am resistant to both, and I pretend to be confident as often as I pretend to be modest. You know like, just looking around there are so many different types of people that I am not really one set apart from the rest. I probably try my hardest to fit in, and not be set apart anyway, right?

I am reading a very interesting book, I have been reading it since the summer, "Stumbling on Happiness." It's so interesting to learn about the way we think. You know, I mean why do I spend all this time and energy studying, am I going to be that much happier if I get an A on my exam, or have extra money in my pocket, or have a girl friend, or get a college degree. I think I would be happier living like Siddhartha or something. But why would I be? lol. I can't gauge anything like that with any accuracy. Well, I am meeting my sister and her roommate for dinner in an hour so I guess I should get back to studying and get some more done before dinner.

Thanks for listening.

Saturday

2007-12-15T22:01:00.001-08:00

Saturday night. I love um. I love work, I love it all. Oh angelina jolie's legs are sexy. Ha random but true, tomb raiders on the tv. I just got back from work, lost all my money in C-Low, I really am dumb. I was up and then I lost it all, just like I always do, so stupid! Whatever. So, yea one of the bar tenders made me take like 4 shots. I love when they make me take shots lol. Alright, so today I was informed that January 3rd would be our last day as a restaurant. Phew, crazy right. I almost am relieved that I might not need to work there next semester. I can find another job maaaybe, or just not work. Maybe find a job and just work 2 or 3 nights a week. Maybe not work at all, eh? We'll see what happens. I sorta have to work to pay for insurance on the car that I plan on buying.

But the thing is now, of all the people in the restaurant, only the bar tenders know. So I can't tell any of the other waiters, I cant tell the kitchen, the bouncers, I cant tell my sister! Insane eh? So I have to watch what I say, cause I was told not to tell anyone and I have to keep it a secret. Maybe I can convince them to let the others know. We'll see, but its not like official official, its just 95%, if they buyers don't have the money or they want to hire us all or something then its gonna be different. Hm. I dont want to work with anyone else, I love the people I work with. I feel like I may never see them, I almost know that I wont. Terrible. They do go to Clyde's alot, I can get in there, maybe I'll go there with them one day. New Years Eve with everyone will be so much fun! Exciting. Drunk all day :). I love this girl.

She texted me again today! Thats an angry exclamation, not a happy one. It annoys me its like a tease, even though obviously its just a text. Whatev. So I need to study, I just ordered food online which always takes atleast an hour so that I can force myself to study for a little while. Night!

Whatever

2007-12-15T00:13:00.000-08:00

Just another night, like any other, had work, didn't study for exams like I should have, and remembered about how I love this girl and need to get over it. Never ends. I hate that girl. She sucks so so bad. I really hate her. I cant do anything about it. Whatever. Ha, I definitely write whatever like all the time in these blogs I'm gonna change the current title of this blog.

Currently I'm listening to 'Gravity' by John Mayer, really good song. John Mayer can really play guitar, some people really don't realize that, not that I'm like way above others in musical talent spotting, but I just think a lot may over look it because he also is a talented singer/songwriter, but his guitar player surpasses it. He can play great blues, and you feel it, he feels it, something I have a hard time doing. I can play well, and feel it when I'm really on, but not always, I need to always have that heart and passion.

I really wonder like, when and where will I ever find a girl that I'm going to fall in love with? Will it happen? I hope so.

Lately, I have been really contemplating just saving up to give myself a really great vacation. I'm so over school, I almost want to take a semester off, or drop out. What am I paying all this money for? I work so hard, and it pays off, but is it all worth it? Just for a degree? When will I see the true benefit of this? I like waiting and bar tending, why dont I just do that? Hm? Ha I know I cant really be satisfied in life by doing that, but I love it so much now, why not for my future. Fuck being a successful business man. I just want to go on vacation ok. Thats where this all stemmed from. My mom mentioned giving me like a 2 day ski trip for Hanuka instead of like a regular gift, and I'm so down for it, made me feel like, well why dont I just go alone, and relax? I want more time to my self as of this year. I like eating out alone now. I really just enjoy time on my own. I think I'm gaining enough passion here to write a good song, obviously an acoustic look at how emo I am. I am a total emo bag. Lol.

By the way, I am only half Jew, I think you knew that already, I'm not like a spoiled Jewish kid or anything.

I really planned on only writing like one paragraph. I'm going to try to write more often. Give my many readers more to enjoy. Personally, I just enjoy typing away here, my roommate is right there, has no idea that I have this blog...atleast I dont think haha, that would suck. This is really for my eyes only, and maybe people who have no idea who I am. If anyone who knew me read this, they probably would knew immediately who it was. Thats why I try to leave specific names and shit out. Like, steve or jessica, lol. You like those decoy names? Haha. I crack myself up sometimes, lol. I made a lot at work this week. Makes me feel good to make money for once lol.

Maybe I should start adding text adds to this blog. I already have a google adsense account, Why not? Just click um up for me. Give me a break, starving college student over here. Has no true love, no substantial income, works hard, and no real friends. I live a totally fake life. Completely. Its weird.

I hate awkward sex conversations. Why does this girl I was hanging out with tonight love talking about how much sex everyones had. Its annoying. Especially because she has herps and licks peoples faces. Its so annoying.

Ay. Where are the values nowa days? The only 'good girls' nowa days are like total religious freaks who wont even have sex til 5 years after marriage, are totally right wing just because of rediculous social issues like abortion and prayer in school. Its frustrating. Girls are on my mind a lot. Def constantly. Guess I'm not gay, eh? Well I know that much. But I know that I am a man of values, something that not many people I run into have. I'm good looking, value ridden, and personable. I'd think I would find a good girl, too bad theres nothing for me out there. If your a good girl, give me a hollar. Leave a little comment over here, maybe Ill get to ya ; ). Its time for bed. Catch you tomorrow.

Never a dull moment

2007-12-14T00:19:00.000-08:00

My life, past two days, way too much drama, get on my nerves. I thought I was in trouble tonight, I really did. 5 hours ago I was talking to my sister and her roommate about this girl I'm hookin up with and how I'm gonna be in trouble cause I dont want a relationship with her and they think "its obvious" that she does. How can they know? Tonight she texts me, "I need to talk to you." I thought that was it, this nice arrangement has gone down the drain. But nope. I got lucky this time. She was just apologizing to me for what she did last night. Let me tell you what she did last night. She told this girl, the girl who my friend hooks up with, and she has a boyfriend, how I said, "I think shes just there to hook up with him," but guess what? I never said that. Bull shit, really pissed me off.

I am extremely serious about my credibility and honesty.

I need people to trust me, I don't know why its so important to me, its not that important to most people, but I guess its like if I have anything I have my word, you know? And I like to have that, even if people don't see it immediately, I feel that eventually I will be able to gain a level of trust with people that will help our relationship in the end. Even if I dont feel completely comfortable trusting them. I realized that really the only person I think I can trust right now is my sister. Who else could I and would I trust? The people I'm closest to is my friends from work who are become better and better friends to me and my sister. Sucks that I'm so much younger then them and we will obviously eventually never see each other again, AKA this summer. A lot worries me. I don't know why. I have mood swings. I don't know why. Whatever.

Just saw 'I Am Legend' It was pretty damn good. I was pretty stressed the whole movie lol, just because the movie was intense and this whole girl text shit came during the movie. Ah, so stupid, life is stupid. Life really is weird. I think I may want to be a politician one day. Guess I should keep any of my real craaazyy things out of this blog eh? Or maybe this can be used in my favor to show my true colors, my real honest, youthful, and sincere side. Probably not. One thing that really destroys me is watching these presidential candidates, and especially the republican ones who try to mix religion with the presidency and with politics. Prayer in school! Are you crazy! Ever read the constitution? I think any president should have a good grasp on the constitution, other wise maybe him and the supreme court may have some issues, eh? Eh. For sure. Its all too much for me. This election is too serious for me. I always forget what I have written about in the past, but these are the things on my mind, so If I write it twice, just deal with it. Got me? Thanks. So I am going to go to bed now, its pretty late. Thanks for reading although, I def know that know one is reading this lol. Maybe I should make it more interesting, I dont know how, if anyone reads this let me know how I can interest readers. Ill do my best. This SWAT show is pretty interesting lol. Well, Ill write again soon. Byyyyeee!

Giving up is the hardest part

2007-12-09T21:51:00.000-08:00

Life is definitely on the upslope now. As far as I can tell atleast. I mean i think lately I have had more chances to spend time with friends, I have been putting more of an effort forth. My friends have also been easier to get along with lately. I have a girl to waste my time now with, which is nice, i do like spending time with her but she's not really girlfriend type for me. Just a good girl to hang out with, talk to, have sex with, chill with. Its all good. Work is good, not pulling in an intense amount of money, but I am having a good time there, and I'm making good friends there, its nice to be there, not really a chore. I got so wasted there last night It was great, but then I took it too far haha threw up at work and then outside my house. My stomach still feels like shit and its been almost 24 hours since I stopped drinking lol. But the bartenders were way too good to me, make me free drinks and then take care of me all night, come on, thats too much. I love em. I can't wait to get a car, its going to make my life somewhat easier and more luxurious. I love sleeping, im thinking about it right now, I just want to go to bed but I think potentially my roommate may need his privacy right now. We'll see in a few minutes.
So as for the title, Its a lyric from a John Mayer song, "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" and I have definitely feeled what he describes in the song multiple times. You have a dream with you and this girl and shits so good, your so happy, but then bam you wake up, that girl and you arent gettin together, not going to happen, and that just sucks. Giving up really is the hardest part, like I'v wanted this girl that I have mentioned a few times I feel like for atleast a year, its not going to happen with us, and Its just so hard for me to give up on it. I mean I have given up, but I still see a glimmer of hope, and feel a little wierd and spiteful toward her. Well im tired gonna relax and sleep and shit. Catch ya later blog.

This is what real men keep quiet

2007-11-25T20:18:00.000-08:00

Hm, life has been very different lately. I guess consistent with this whole semester tho. Tonight I'm back at school, in my bed wearing a hat and gloves cause our heating is broken. No good, but i guess im OK right now, not too cold. I'll review this weekend, it went by so slowly i feel like, I can't believe that thursday was only a few days ago. Wierd. Anyway, so Wednesday was a really good day, I mean its the biggest drinking holiday of the year supposedly, 'thanksgiving eve', and I got to bartend the back bar with one of our old managers who is a ballin bartender, so that was cool. Didnt make extravagant amount of money, but we didnt do so bad either. That was fun anyway, just enjoyed myself and very relaxed. Then Thursday was thanksgiving and I usually am not much for family, but lately I just take my family a little lighter and I am more of a sarcastic person around then, usually Im just shy around them which is not fun. But that was fun for the first half and then I just switched moods and wanted to get out of there lol, I dont know why. But I stayed home that night and woke up, went to the gym, and then out to work. Work was alright, I made alright money and then blew it all on C-low lol, im stupid but its ok, its really all for fun. I feel like most of my fun is at work. I cant help but think about how my friends are going to move next semester and I have to decide where I am going to live now. I cant keep my mind off of it. I feel a bit betrayed really.
So hm saturday I luckily had off, and I had a nice day, I went out to lunch with an old friend, went to see a movie with my mom and sister and then went to chill with my homies for a while, and then went to my work to chill, and I didn't plan on drinking and I got forced to by one of the bartenders, which was fine with me haha. I love it there. Like who goes to a place where they work for fun? Only us, or probably a lot of restaurant workers, but that really was lots of fun. I felt really accepted by the veteran of bartenders because he gave me all those drinks ha, it was nice of him to accept me that way. I wish I was 21 so I could really go out with my work friends. Whatever though, I have a good enough time. After that I went to chill with this girl, didn't bring a condom so nothing real serious happened. Stupid. I've been waiting for shit to go down, and it turns out so was she so thats good to know for next time. Woke up and brought the car home since I didn't want to drive after drinking. Mom didn't ask too many questions which was nice. Just slept off my exhaustion til like 1 this afternoon. But im so tired again now. I think I may have come down with mono, my sister has it, and I just have a terrible head cold, real stuffed up, my nose, ears, and my head hurts a bit, we'll see. Hopefully I get better soon. This cold house wont help.
I have been having a lot of religion talks lately. A really good one with my friend hanna, and a bad one with my boss lol, he wont listen to anything, I don't really understand the whole religion thing so much, imparticular right now christianity and judaism. Too many holes.
On to the title. I named it that because its a lyric from a song but it is something that relates to two parts of my life right now. One: If u listened to the song ud understand but you wont right now but because I am currently hooking up with this girl who I think wants more, and I don't, at least not right now. and Two: because I am considered a "nice guy" an image that I dont want to get rid of, an image that is true to my personality, but its not what girls want, I am considered and I quote a, "cute, hott, gentleman", and thats all I am. Not that I have trouble getting girls really but, the nice guy thing does not work in my favor, its more a friend attribute if you know what I'm saying.
Last but not least, my ex imed me today which was actually pretty surprising and really nice. I do actually think about her a lot oddly enough, Its been over a year, but she was everything that I want, and I have not found that again, I just feel so much like I would date her again in an instant, but I shouldn't nor should I make her make a decision like that, what if I hurt her again? That would be terrible, really. So Im tired of typing and Im going to bed, just wanted to get all of that out there. Hope nobody actually reads this. Later.

Tell me im only dreaming, tell me hes just sleeping

2007-11-04T22:48:00.000-08:00

Another one of those days I guess. Can't really get enough of them. I'm trying to type and listen to music at the same time and its not working to well lol. So, I woke up as usual, ate way to much for breakfast, had a bad first half of my work out and a good last half. Went to the library, pretty good library time. I got to thinking about a lot of stuff at the library. Really brought back some old memories of mine, with some strong feelings, really weird. I was thinking about this girl that I was in love with, and I can't tell anymore if I am, but it doesn't matter cause thats not going anywhere anytime. But what matters is how I felt at the peak of my feelings, so much confusion, it was so crazy and they just come rushing back very suddenly and then also very dull, like I know intense the feelings were at the time so I feel it but its just an image of feelings. But, its just crazy thinking of that again, I barely talk to that girl anymore, it really sucks. It sucks how every things changed. The only stable good thing in my life is my work relationships, and my sister. I love the people I work with and I love my sister. Shes always there for me, I had to go spend time with her tonight. My roommates have really just completely lost themselves I feel like. I mean maybe its me but how can I tell? They want to move, they want me to move with them, but I don't want to. I have friends in this house, we would be ditching 4 of our friends, just to move two blocks away, and for what? I personally have nothing to gain by moving, moving is only going to have me lose my dignity as far as I can tell. Ditching friends of mine, fuck that. They say, "its too dirty here," "we'll get more girls if were in a frat." Wow, the two lamest things I think I maybe have ever heard. Maybe I'm just not up on that whole deal. Maybe smoking weed and being in a frat are two really cool things to do. I would join a frat, but to get away from idiots like my friends, not to get girls. Maybe I would get more girls, but thats really a plus. I can get girls now. God damn.
I really am so glad to have my sister. It's the best thing for me right now to have her, family is really great in the end. I don't care if im not so close with my other relatives, my immediate family is really great. Im so glad to have them. I can talk to my mom and my sisters when I need. Its nice. My older sister is smart, and she can give good advice if she is feeling level headed. Who knows when shes level headed though haha. She's pretty sick right now, still there for me though, and I am there if she needs me. Its good. And her roommate is real great too. I hope that my sister doesn't go to grad school in California, I sometimes think I want her to go there so that I can visit her, but fuck that also, I can go there myself, she doesn't need to live there. Her and I will always be best friends.
Life is really such a weird thing for me. I never know really whats going to happen next, very unpredictable life. Last year I would have predicted this year to be better then last, and last year was great. Too bad. This is like a 80% worse year then last year. I have my guitar, I was really inspired to play today, I played so well. I love days like that. Its like I am a god on guitar on days like today, I feel like no one can do better then me on guitar. I think I should be famous or something haha, Its so great. I also think about how one of my roommates who's being a dick can't touch me on guitar, he thinks he can, but he ain't got it. Sorry bro.
I'm glad that I'm talking to this girl right now. She's not the best girl in the world, but shes smart, cute, and interesting. Enough for me to allot some of my time to her. Life is a little easier with someone to hook up with from time to time, it can also be more complicated. I'm bad at deciding when its right to take it to the next level. Whatever, I don't really care, I think its next level time though. I like the next level, its a bit more fun.
I love blogs because on a day like today, I can really just get my thoughts out. Oh life. I have probably said that like 30 times throughout my blogs. Interest in this blog has diminished, I'm going to go to bed. Later blog.

Sundays

2007-10-28T19:55:00.000-07:00

Sundays are the best. I used to hate them because it meant I had to prepare to get back into the swing of things. Not anymore. Sundays are days where my obligations are at a minimum. I mean, today I had to go to the gym and go home, but both aren't so bad. Its not work or school, and I'm taking this Sunday off from school work again. My family is so unreal. Lets just take a snap shot, my parents are divorced, my dad lives in NY, never really see him, good dad though, but he's overly spontaneous, every time I turn around he is either in Mexico or Poland. Such a weirdo, we won't get into that now though. My mom is just conservative, white mother, not spontaneous at all, still unsure of how to keep proper control of a household after the divorce(9 years ago). Its troublesome. My older sister has always just been to stubborn. She laughs too much around friends, and not enough around family. She claims to hate my mom, but I think she's half over it. She doesn't know right from wrong when she's dealing with family though. I love her. My younger sister is just a 5 x worse reflection of my older sister. She hates my mom to no end, and has to live with her so it makes it real hard on her. She's so immature, just like my older sister. Same ways. I know its hard for her to live with my mom, and she's not especially close with me, but we can talk, and my older sister hates her as well. It's real hard for my younger sister. I try to help. Not easy.
Today when I was home, my mom wanted to talk with my sister, me essentially serving as a mediator. I am the only one who can actually talk between all three of them. Tell them how things really are without getting yelled at. Its a good position, and its a hard one. I can't talk to any two of them at the same time however, because they cannot rationalize together, only separately, and even then its difficult, if not impossible. My sister, of course, ended up freaking out during out little meeting. She always thinks my mom is wrong in questioning her...maybe she's questioned to often. Maybe she's just not disciplined properly, but, its impossible to really keep her disciplined. I have no solutions, I just hopefully can serve as someone to comfort each of them when they need it. My mom and younger sister in particular. My older sister is less sensitive, is not especially receptive towards comfort. Life is so weird sometimes.
Seeing my sister so upset really sucks, worries me. As does it worry me when my mom gets upset. When my sister lashed out at my mom is just not possible for my mom to be upset, she can say terrible things, exactly the way my older sister used to. Its obviously a direct reflection. My older sister now just needs to grow up and give help to my mom, just by showing love towards her is enough. Knowing that she has atleast 2 children that appreciate her. I once heard that with each extra kid you have your life becomes progressively unhappier, a sad truth. I would like to at least show my mom that she has some people who appreciate how hard she tries. A solution I just thought up would actually be to send my sister to my fathers more frequently. Get her away from my mom, its much better for the both of them. But my sister, I'm sure, because I was this way, will not always want to go to my dads, she's growing up, needs time with friends on the weekends. Sigh, well see what happens. Haha well I guess I showed some of the negative side of my family, eventually we'll take a view at the idiosyncratic and comedic side of my family. Such a weird set up. I'm such a product of it. From where I came from, I am so surprised at how easy a time I have making friends, getting jobs, working hard in school, I would love to have someone analyze how all that came to by.
The end, Im too tired to write anything else. Peace.

Love, what is love without trust?

2007-10-23T22:13:00.000-07:00

Today was an interesting day, a good day. I know that my blog probably consists of a relatively large array of useless, pessimistic feelings about the current state of my life, but, I'll hopefully throw some good things in there. For one, I exaggerated a bit with that whole pancake ordeal, she did bring back some delicious pancakes, and I do love that girl, shes great. Second, on Sunday I skipped the gym and choose to just rest, nap, and play Halo with my homies. It was really a good time. Just a nice relaxing Sunday, and I had a good time with my house mates. Hm, and third, I went out today with a girl who I never really knew that well and we had a good time, three good things. There we go. I also did really well on the last exam that I recieved. I don't really know where else to go with this paragraph so I'm going to end it.
When thoughts just end like that It reminds me a bit of that song by Jacks Mannequin, where he says "and this is the first verse, its not very long but I'm ready to move on," Im just ready to move on. Good band. Anyway, I figured out what that song One: Twenty-Seven is all about. Its a reference to the first corinthians, chapter 1 verse 27. Very interesting song, I'm definitely not religious at all but the bible is really starting to interest me. I am taking a class now about the New Testament and its really quire interesting. It is written nothing like I expected, and Jesus is depicted nothing like I would have imagined. For example, in the gospel of John, so far the most interesting gospel, Jesus is really extremely pretentious and a bit womanizing. He actually says, "Woman, what concern is that to you..."and she responds, "Do whatever he tells you." and this is speaking to his mom! Its pretty interesting. He's always referring to himself as the best and greatest and is trying to show everyone. It's odd that a faith is based on this man.
The title of this is blog is from a song, and that line always stood out to me. I always thought he was saying 'what is love without drugs?" which is more interesting. But really lets review, what is love without trust? I actually think you can love someone and not trust them, but its not a good type of love. Its not like true love. I guess what is true love without trust. In my visions, true love is someone that you can really always share everything with, special moments, sad, happy, whatever, someone you feel completely at home and comfortable with. A perfect fit. A perfect fit is completely imperfect without trust. Its like trying to tell a mouse to go into a cats mouth. It will fit perfectly, but theres no trust. It's so imperfect in the end. Haha, thats so lame. Thats the lamest analogy I every heard. I really am super lame sometimes. I can't help it. Whatever. I miss highschool a little bit. Highschool would actually be nice for a little while. Working 13 hours a week, not 40, and not needing to study for anything. Sweet life. Real sweet.
I got new strings for my guitar, its great. I play too much Halo, thats great, and now I am officially addicted to coffee, I don't really mind. Life is so interesting sometimes, now I don't think is really one of those times. Its a very rough plateau that Ive reached. Hopefully this weekend it will smooth out, get some good times in Im hoping. I really just need to find out if maybe I can get a day off. I hope Rutgers does real good against WVU. We'll see. Im out, its fuckin hot in this room. Gettin' up early for the gym. Catch you soon.

I never used to do that

2007-10-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to post up another entry for a few days but I get real lazy and don't feel like it a lot. Not unless I think I have something really important to say, but I rarely do. Something I realized this morning is that I just can't think of a way that my life will just pick up again. Lately, I'll just look at it through optimistic eyes, I say, "hey its looking up," or "its going to be the way it was soon," I just don't see it any more. Good thing I'm writing this because I realize if I want things back the way they were I need to be more proactive. I really need another day off, thats key. Work is the main cause of my distance from my friends, the second cause is a whole multitude of things ranging from their own current insecurities to a physical distance between us which makes things difficult with such busy schedules.
Anyway, recently and regretfully I have been using the word fagot. Honestly, I never, ever used to use that word. My friends would use it, along with many other offensive words that they use regularly, but I would not. It's not me. I have no hate towards homosexual people, not at all. Often I would use the word 'gay' with a negative connotation but I couldn't really help it, it's something I took from high school, everyone used it and you catch one to those things. But I just see a correlation between my new current use of this word and my new anger and discomfort with life.
I wish that I could find new friends. Evidently, however, I cannot. My life doesn't really allot for time to search and penetrate a new group. Nor does my selective choice for friends allot for anyone else that I have seen in Rutgers. These friends were surely the best. I was really so glad to have them. Too bad.
This blog was all sparked by a phone call, then a doorbell ring, just for some pancake mix. I just realized that my friends who is picking up the mix, called my other friend first who also lives with me. He wasn't even home. Lets list:
1. He wasn't home
2. She called him first
3. Normally in the past, I would be
4. Borrowed our mix, did not invite me for some
5. The kid who went home, never even told me he was leaving,
6. Neither did my other roommate
Final result is just lameness. So, I'm sitting here typing away. Work, thats really why my real best friends are at work. Maybe instead of getting a day off I should get another job and make more friends there.

How dare I call this love, and not bear my cross till the end!

2007-10-16T17:46:00.000-07:00

I'm at the library, I should be studying but I thought I would relax and get my most up to date thoughts out. Today has been a pretty regular day, went to three of my four classes, no work, ate, went to the gym, whatever. Last night I smoked, and I really rarely smoke, I have been trying to give it up for good, but I guess every once in a while is no big deal. It was like 20 after midnight and my friend called me up(I got caught up playing Halo 3), and forgot to go over to her place to drop off and application to the restaurant where I work. But anyway, of course they were rolling a blunt right when I walked in haha, I'm pretty sure everytime I have been there this year they were about to smoke. Everyone smokes even more then last year now, its weird. For some reason, I feel like smoking is just childish. Personally, I feel like its something that if you do it a few times, you have the experience and you should move away from it. But then why don't I feel the same way about drinking? I like to drink usually twice a week, maybe because its much more socially acceptable? If you smoke weed your a pot head, but if you dont drink your probably not fun. Maybe thats just it, I dont really want to be categorized as either of those. Where I am not however, not smoking, does get me categorized by some as not fun.
Sunday was a good laid back day I guess. Don't have to work sundays, just have to get to the gym after I wake up, and get to the library. Lately, music has been on my mind more. I'm always listening to music if I'm alone, set up the playlist on my iPhone. This one song really strikes me, or really this band has caught my attention for a while now. As Cities Burn is the band, and their song, "One: Twenty-Seven" is one that really gets me thinking, its super emotional, as all of their music is I guess. The line that makes me think is, "...How dare I call this love, and not bear my cross till the end?" What does that even mean? I have been trying to figure it out. I need to listen closer to the rest of the song, then Ill let you know what I've discovered lol. I really really need to get strings for my guitar, I popped one, then popped one on my friends, it sucks not being able to play my baby, my one true love. Thinking about her makes me pretty happy. I spent only 440 dollars to get her, and shes just everything I ever wanted. Any experienced guitar player knows that you can't get anything good for 440, really for under 700 and some maybe go higher then that. But I ended up with a new Schecter C-1 Classic, so beautiful, just has a small chip, so I got a great price on her. Love it. Anyway, I really need to start my work, maybe ill write later tonight. I have really been wanting to write like a book for the longest time, my life from when I was little to now I think has been pretty unique and interesting, not very middle class regular old life, maybe ill write a bit about it, great comedic possibilities haha. Exciting.

Out of Mind Experience

2007-10-14T23:40:00.000-07:00

Out of mind

So lately I have been having these out of body experiences. Really, they're more of out of mind experiences. Ill explain. I am not actually viewing my body from out side(watching myself walk or anything), I am really just watching my mind from another mind, another perspective. This other mind is ignorant to the life I lead, it knows not of my anxieties and experiences like my true mind, it only observes and comments. For example, it will take a look at my life and think out interesting it is to lead that life, how odd and useless life really is. I love this state that I have been occasionally entering into. It only happens for really a few seconds at a time, but that mind is so carefree, its truly easy going and its so simple. It feels nice.
My true state of mind, is filled with questions, anxiety, fear, schedules, thoughts and everything a normal state of mind should be I guess. Life has been different lately, or this semester. I guess you should know that I am a sophmore in college living with 7 of my good friends. First semester of college was so new and exciting. Meeting new people, working hard to get good grades, and partying on the weekends. Everyone was so new and nice and interesting. I got to know so many cool people and we just had a great time together. Second semester was a bit harder. I was bored more often, not too many new people to meet, still loved the old ones, but there may have been some more bumps along the road, no more girl friend, and not much girl around at all. Sucks. But my friends were still there for me and real great. Got a job though to keep my mind off of things, worked a lot, and now Im just working more. Been in love with the same girl, can't tell if I really even like her anymore, don't even really speak with her too often but shes definitely the only girl I have been interested in for over a year now. So now I guess back to the present.
I work 5 days a week at a restaurant and 2 days a week at a work study job. I love work, or at least I guess psychologically I may have had to convince myself that I do since I'm always working. The people I work with are great, makes me really attached to this place, even thought somewhere else I can probably make a lot more money. Well see what happens with that. We're all just always laughing and we go through it all together, thats what so great about work, and my sister works with me, that makes it nice also. I would say that the only person I can be honest with is my sister, I can probably tell her everything, she surely knows more then anyone else about my life. Thats my problem. I need someone else, a best friend, a girl friend, someone I can really be myself, trust and confide in. Its hard. Hm. I have a few good friends but we're growing apart, thats what makes this semester harder and different from the other two. Instead of getting closer were drifting. Its just that lately, our interests, morals, and focuses have changes. We're all looking for the attention of girls, but I'm not looking for a slut, or a girl with a boy friend, my friends morals and interests are different, they're convinced joining a frat would increase their chance of getting girls, I'm convinced joining a frat may make me some better friends. I'm not in search of a girl thats interested in a guy cause he's in a frat, I don't think at least.
I'm always questioning things like that. Maybe I do want a slut, or maybe I need a slut. Maybe I'm just worried that I can't even get with a slut and that scares me, but really I know that I can lol, I'm a good looking guy, and so are both of my main friends I just talked about, we can get girls with out fraternities or they being overly promiscuous. All these things are why I enjoy these out of mind experiences. No worries with that mind, it makes me feel so amazingly care free. Its weird to talk about, or I guess type about. Who knows what I want. Theres so much that no one knows about me, that I dont really share with people, I have never told anyone about most of this. My sister knows about some of it.
The one real absolute love of my life is my guitar. I'm so in love with it. It has a broken string right now which is just the worst thing, but soon well be reunited, lol. I really do just love it though; playing guitar makes me feel so carefree also. Brings back great memories, lets me get my feelings out better then typing them out on blogspot ever could. I know that this blog is pretty broad in topics, long and dragging probably, but I dont care cause its really just for me. I just need to get all of these things out of my mind, maybe one day ill get a more care free mind back, I think soon I will actually. Ill let you know when. I have not always been an anxious and stressed person. Stress works well for me however, I am making money, doing really well in school, and I do still sometimes meet new people, hopefully one of these girls may be someone I can really experience fully.
Its quite ridiculous how the time is flying right now as I type, its already 3:09 and I should be sleeping 2 hours ago but I couldn't fall asleep. It could be the coffee I drank earlier. I need to cut off caffeine. Alright, well honestly, I think Ill end it here until next time. If anyone does read this please go ahead and comment or whatever, I think you can comment haha, I don't really know how this works. I'll be posting again soon I hope.